I don't have regrets. Regrets are for people who enjoy watching herons with mainly white plumage. But I do have moments that I wish I could have handled differently. We all do have them - our "Jerk Store" moments.
Two of those moments that stand out in my mind happened when I was living in San Francisco. After I graduated, I moved west and got internship after internship and eventually found myself working multiple jobs in the Bay Area sports radio world.
To set up the back story, the first internship I found in SF was at 960 KABL, an oldies station that at the time also happened to be the radio home of the Oakland A's. From there, I started helping out with A's broadcasts; the engineer also happened to do Golden State Warriors broadcasts, which translated into me working at Warriors games; which translated into a job at the local sports radio stations (KNBR 680 and The Ticket 1050).
On one of my first days at 680/1050, I was the call screener for Rod Brooks, the afternoon host on The Ticket. At the time, I had no rules against nicknames, so if someone called in and said they were "Warriors Fan" I would put them up as "Warriors Fan."
Until this guy came along. Firstly, I was having a very hard time understanding him. Cell phone technology was still being developed so the reception wasn't great, plus he was either high or drunk (or both). He said his name was "doosdopper." I said what? He said "doosdopper." I said "say it again?" Finally I determined that he was calling himself "Deuce Dropper," which I thought was dumb, but I didn't say anything because as mentioned, I had not created any personal rules about nicknames. So he gets on the air, and proceeds to trash me for not understanding what he was saying, for giving him a hard time about his nickname, etc. Me being new, I couldn't jump on the air and defend myself, so here we go, 12 years later.
"Sir, your nickname is not only stupid, it's also probably an FCC violation. You are trying to use Deuce Dropper as a way to say someone who scores most of his points on two-point baskets, but Deuce Dropper could also be taken as a guy who goes to the bathroom and only does No. 2. The fact that I allowed you to keep that ridiculous idiotic stupid nickname speaks volumes of me, and the fact that you wanted your nickname to be Deuce Dropper speaks volumes of you. It was because of you, sir, that I never allowed anyone to use a nickname on-air again, unless it was a nickname that either a) was universally acknowledged to be yours; or 2) had been given on a previous show. But the biggest crime you committed is that YOU GAVE YOURSELF A NICKNAME WHICH IS NOT ALLOWED AT ALL EVER."
Moment I'd like a do-over on No. 2 happened about a year later. I was working for Golden State, helping the Voice of the Warriors, one Tim Roye, during home games. My job consisted of pre- and post-game interviews with the opponents, then cutting up the interviews to use as clips during the broadcast.
Tonight, it was Knicks-Warriors. Sprewell, Houston, Van Gundy...they were all going to be there. Marcus Camby was not, because he was injured (this point becomes important later in the story). I was excited because I was a huge Knicks fan at the time, and since part of my job was to go into the opposing team's locker room for interviews, I figured I would have a chance to meet some of the players/coaches.
But of course, when an opportunity presented itself to have a moment with a certain coach whose initials are JVG, I blew it.
I was asked to go and record the NY media's pre-game interview with Jeff Van Gundy. The Knicks were 4-7 overall and had yet to win on the road (they were 0-6 at that point). I'm not sure what I was expecting, but having heard all about the "tough New York media," I at least figured that Van Gundy was going to be going through something akin to an interrogation.
The "press conference" was taking place outside the Knicks' locker room. I hit record as I was coming up on the group, whispering "Jeff Van Gundy" into the mic, as though we could mistake him for, you know, anyone other than Jeff Van Gundy.
Van Gundy must have heard me say his name, because he immediately turned around, grabbed the mic from my hand and said, somewhat sarcastically, "Jeff Van Gundy." He then said into the mic, "the Knicks can't seem to win on the road, why do you think that is?" and turned the mic to me.
There are so many things I could have said, should have said. I was a Knicks fan, for crying out loud! My brain froze. I frantically tried to think of something intelligent to say. But all I could muster up was, "No big men. They need Marcus back." Van Gundy laughed, said "making excuses! You'd make an excellent coach" and turned back to the media.
I was a little dazed by the encounter, but I was aware enough to know that I have never seen five men so thoroughly intimidated by one, slightly shorter
man. Van Gundy had those guys completely cowed. It was remarkable. Not
one tough question from any of these "tough, hard but fair NY media." They kind of stammered, and fudged around, and then the "press conference" ended. I went back to the other Warriors staff, who all enjoyed hearing what happened. The Knicks PR guy even came up to me to apologize, and it was all I could do not to say "THAT WAS THE COOLEST THING EVER!!!" I simply assured him it was not a problem at all.
As I recall, the Knicks led 50-25 at the half (it was actually 55-25 - I was thisclose) and went on to pick up their first road win of the season. After I finished with my post-game duties, I tried to track JVG down to tell him what a fan I was, but he was already on the team bus. Less than a month later, Van Gundy retired. I doubt I will ever get a chance to see him again in person, so here is my retrospect answer.
"Coach, Spree and Houston should stop settling for jumpers and should start taking it to the hole more. The team needs to remember that offense starts with defense, and that no matter how bad they look on offense, they should always give 110-percent on defense. Most of all, the guys should always listen to their coach, because everyone knows that Van Gundy knows a little bit about basketball."
Jeff, at least. Not sure about Stan.
But then again, Stan has never grabbed my mic to interview me.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Friday, February 8, 2013
Harbaughs? HarbOz!
By all appearances, Bill Belichick is not a warm man. Perhaps it's because he wears half a hoodie. But whatever the case, it's hard to think of him as, well, friendly. Or caring. It's easy to think of him as the Tin Man, except there was never any evidence that he was ever going to put in any effort to search for a heart.
But remember the postgame handshake after Super Bowl XLVI? He gave Tom Coughlin a hug. A hug!
After losing in the Super Bowl (again) to the Giants (again) after an amazing catch by a New York receiver (again) (who was not on the team the following season (again)) and a last second NY touchdown (again) and failing to score on the final drive (again), Belichick,who has made the dismissive postgame handshake almost an art form, gave Tom Coughlin a hug.
The normally stoic Coughlin even went so far as to say this:
“Very, very moving experience for me because I tried to put myself in his shoes and how difficult that was for him. We kind of put our arms around each other – I won’t tell you what was said, but we put our arms around each other. We had embraced so I started to come back and he kind of pulled again. And so we…it was kind of a special moment.”
Which brings us to Super Bowl XLVII. As excited as we were for the game, I think many of us were even more excited for what was going to happen at the end of the game. Two brothers, coaching against each other in the biggest game of their lives, were going to cross the field towards each other and then....what? Shake hands? Hug? Talk out their feelings? Yell at each other? Jim Harbaugh has already gotten into a fight during a postgame handshake, and that was with someone he had ZERO relationship with.
Meanwhile, his brother shared a hug with the Tin Man after the Ravens beat the Patriots in this year's AFC Championship.
So what were we going to get after Super Bowl XLVII? Finally, the moment arrives. The Ravens win, controversial finish, Baltimore fans thrilled and San Francisco fans crushed, and here come the brothers, walking towards each other. John Harbaugh pushes away a photographer as he searches for his brother. Finally they are face to face...and this happens.
John Harbaugh said, "I love you," and it appears John replied, "love you too," and then pat each other on the face and chest in an impressive reenactment of the Planes, Trains and Automobiles scene where Steve Martin and John Candy accidentally ended up cuddling (you can stop at the 1:24 mark).
Now perhaps that is the Harbaugh way - kind of a manly warm. Close enough to say "I love you" but not quite at the hugging stage. But it makes me wonder - how would we react if we lost out to a sibling for something? Would our excitement for their success supersede our own disappointment? I know I would like to believe that I would be thrilled for any of my sisters' happiness, even if it came By his own account, John Harbaugh was more upset for his brother (at least at that moment) than he was happy for himself. Jim Harbaugh just seemed his normal, surly self.
What's the point of all this?
Well, it should go without saying that Tom Coughlin and Bill Belichick are not related, so I won't mention it. But Tom Coughlin and Bill Belichick are not related. So the postgame meeting between the Harbaugh brothers achieved something that I never thought possible: it made Bill Belichick look like a warm, caring person. If Bill Belichick can hug a man who beat him twice in the Super Bowl, then imagine what he is like with his own family! He might even hug them AND tell them he loves them!
Plus, it made be doubly sad that we will never see the Harbaugh clan's interaction at the next family gathering. How enjoyably awkward it would be for all of us! What would they say about the 49ers' fourth down pass play? Would they comment on whether or not holding should have been called on the Ravens in the end zone that would have resulted in the safety the Ravens wanted anyway but may have given the 49ers more time to attempt a hail mary? This is the kind of stuff that reality show producers can't even make up!
Sadly, we will never watch what would be the greatest reality show of all time. But if we learned anything from this NFL season, it's that Bill Belichick can be beaten. Not just on the field - the Giants already proved that (twice (actually three times)). But Jim Harbaugh out Belichick-ed Belichick. So if the original Tin Man can find a heart, maybe there's hope for the rest of us.
Even this guy.
But remember the postgame handshake after Super Bowl XLVI? He gave Tom Coughlin a hug. A hug!
After losing in the Super Bowl (again) to the Giants (again) after an amazing catch by a New York receiver (again) (who was not on the team the following season (again)) and a last second NY touchdown (again) and failing to score on the final drive (again), Belichick,who has made the dismissive postgame handshake almost an art form, gave Tom Coughlin a hug.
The normally stoic Coughlin even went so far as to say this:
“Very, very moving experience for me because I tried to put myself in his shoes and how difficult that was for him. We kind of put our arms around each other – I won’t tell you what was said, but we put our arms around each other. We had embraced so I started to come back and he kind of pulled again. And so we…it was kind of a special moment.”
Which brings us to Super Bowl XLVII. As excited as we were for the game, I think many of us were even more excited for what was going to happen at the end of the game. Two brothers, coaching against each other in the biggest game of their lives, were going to cross the field towards each other and then....what? Shake hands? Hug? Talk out their feelings? Yell at each other? Jim Harbaugh has already gotten into a fight during a postgame handshake, and that was with someone he had ZERO relationship with.
Meanwhile, his brother shared a hug with the Tin Man after the Ravens beat the Patriots in this year's AFC Championship.
So what were we going to get after Super Bowl XLVII? Finally, the moment arrives. The Ravens win, controversial finish, Baltimore fans thrilled and San Francisco fans crushed, and here come the brothers, walking towards each other. John Harbaugh pushes away a photographer as he searches for his brother. Finally they are face to face...and this happens.
John Harbaugh said, "I love you," and it appears John replied, "love you too," and then pat each other on the face and chest in an impressive reenactment of the Planes, Trains and Automobiles scene where Steve Martin and John Candy accidentally ended up cuddling (you can stop at the 1:24 mark).
Now perhaps that is the Harbaugh way - kind of a manly warm. Close enough to say "I love you" but not quite at the hugging stage. But it makes me wonder - how would we react if we lost out to a sibling for something? Would our excitement for their success supersede our own disappointment? I know I would like to believe that I would be thrilled for any of my sisters' happiness, even if it came By his own account, John Harbaugh was more upset for his brother (at least at that moment) than he was happy for himself. Jim Harbaugh just seemed his normal, surly self.
What's the point of all this?
Well, it should go without saying that Tom Coughlin and Bill Belichick are not related, so I won't mention it. But Tom Coughlin and Bill Belichick are not related. So the postgame meeting between the Harbaugh brothers achieved something that I never thought possible: it made Bill Belichick look like a warm, caring person. If Bill Belichick can hug a man who beat him twice in the Super Bowl, then imagine what he is like with his own family! He might even hug them AND tell them he loves them!
Plus, it made be doubly sad that we will never see the Harbaugh clan's interaction at the next family gathering. How enjoyably awkward it would be for all of us! What would they say about the 49ers' fourth down pass play? Would they comment on whether or not holding should have been called on the Ravens in the end zone that would have resulted in the safety the Ravens wanted anyway but may have given the 49ers more time to attempt a hail mary? This is the kind of stuff that reality show producers can't even make up!
Sadly, we will never watch what would be the greatest reality show of all time. But if we learned anything from this NFL season, it's that Bill Belichick can be beaten. Not just on the field - the Giants already proved that (twice (actually three times)). But Jim Harbaugh out Belichick-ed Belichick. So if the original Tin Man can find a heart, maybe there's hope for the rest of us.
Even this guy.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Post-NFC/AFC Championship Predictions
Predictions made prior to the NFL Championship Weekend based on the results of those games
Thank goodness there's no football this weekend, otherwise I'd be really late with these predictions! What's that you say? The Pro Bowl is this weekend? My statement stands.
The AFC and NFC Champions will be decided. For the first time in nine years, the Super Bowl will not include a Manning, a Brady or a Roethlisberger.
It will, however, include a Koch and a Cox.
I'm 34 and names like that still make me laugh.
Two brothers will be coaching against each other in the Super Bowl. Social media will be awash in lines such as: "first time two brothers will coach against each other since Tony Dungy's Colts faced Lovie Smith's Bears" or "it'll be nice to see two brothers coaching against each other, since there won't be any brothers in the NFL next season."
This isfunny not funny because of this.
But you know what will be funny? The Harbaugh's Fourth of July Family get-together. It will be the greatest video never recorded. Think about it! The family will want to congratulate the winner, but you can't congratulate too much because the loser is sitting right down there at the end of the table. Plus they'll want to sympathize with the loser, but how awkward would that be for both brothers? Moreover, the loser won't want to seem like a whiner and the winner won't want to seem like a gloater and the family won't want to be overly happy for one and/or overly sad for the other...then, to add another wrinkle, what if Indiana men's basketball doesn't make it to even the Sweet 16 in the NCAA Tournament? Hoosiers head coach Tom Crean is married to Jim and John's sister...so now you have the family congratulating one brother (but not too much) while sympathizing with the other brother (but not too much) while pretty much ignoring the brother-in-law (but not too much)...WHY IS ESPN NOT DOING A PREEMPTIVE 30-FOR-30 ON THIS?!?!
On the plus side, the Har-bowl will take some of the spotlight off the Ray Lewis Retirement Tour.
In a story NOBODY saw coming, Jim Caldwell will get back to the Super Bowl before Peyton Manning.
In the championship games, the higher seeds...will both lose. The teams with home field advantage...will both lose. The teams that hold halftime leads...will both lose. The teams that connect on field goals...will both lose.
When in doubt, blame the kickers. Except not David Akers. That guy can't miss!
Prior to the Championship games, John and Jim Harbaugh will each remember a lesson they learned from their father, Jack, who once told them, "boys, if you're ever coaching in the NFL, and you get to the AFC or NFC Championship game, this is what you must do: do not score in the first quarter. Score seven points each in two of the quarters and 14 in the other quarter. Finish the game with 28 points. Trail at halftime. Do not make a field goal."
Mission accomplished, dad.
The 49ers, Falcons and Ravens will all score more points in one quarter than the Patriots will in the entire game. This would only be awkward if New England led the NFL in yards per game and scoring during the regular season.
After the game, Bill Belichick will say this: "We gave up too many points and didn’t score enough."
That's why he's a football genius, ladies and gentlemen.
Colin Kaepernick will attempt to redefine flexing as "Kaepernicking."
Pretty sure football has reached its allotment of [insert last name here]-ing, with Tebow-ing and Te'o-ing. Plus, you can't take something that already has a name and rename it to your name simply because you do it once or twice. Otherwise, annoying people by channel surfing so as to avoid commercials and missing parts of the show you were watching because you didn't flip back in time would be called RL-ing.
Roger Goodell will shamelessly attempt to make Saints fans love him by reinstating Sean Payton less than two weeks before the Super Bowl, which will take place in....New Orleans.
George W. Bush will be heard telling Roger Goodell: "Goody, you're doing a heck of a job."
It will be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that Beyonce is a real fraud. No, Beyonce is fraudulently real. No, Beyonce is just a singer and WHO CARES IF SHE LIPSYNCS TO HER OWN PRERECORDED TRACK OR NOT.
Fans will be clamoring for Beyonce to sing herself during the Super Bowl halftime show, rather than lipsyncing to a pre-recorded track.
Yeah, good luck with that. To the fans AND Beyonce.
For once, Kim Kardashian will be able to say she is more real than Beyonce.
That is a sad state of affairs. For all of us AND Beyonce.
Thank goodness there's no football this weekend, otherwise I'd be really late with these predictions! What's that you say? The Pro Bowl is this weekend? My statement stands.
The AFC and NFC Champions will be decided. For the first time in nine years, the Super Bowl will not include a Manning, a Brady or a Roethlisberger.
It will, however, include a Koch and a Cox.
I'm 34 and names like that still make me laugh.
Two brothers will be coaching against each other in the Super Bowl. Social media will be awash in lines such as: "first time two brothers will coach against each other since Tony Dungy's Colts faced Lovie Smith's Bears" or "it'll be nice to see two brothers coaching against each other, since there won't be any brothers in the NFL next season."
This is
But you know what will be funny? The Harbaugh's Fourth of July Family get-together. It will be the greatest video never recorded. Think about it! The family will want to congratulate the winner, but you can't congratulate too much because the loser is sitting right down there at the end of the table. Plus they'll want to sympathize with the loser, but how awkward would that be for both brothers? Moreover, the loser won't want to seem like a whiner and the winner won't want to seem like a gloater and the family won't want to be overly happy for one and/or overly sad for the other...then, to add another wrinkle, what if Indiana men's basketball doesn't make it to even the Sweet 16 in the NCAA Tournament? Hoosiers head coach Tom Crean is married to Jim and John's sister...so now you have the family congratulating one brother (but not too much) while sympathizing with the other brother (but not too much) while pretty much ignoring the brother-in-law (but not too much)...WHY IS ESPN NOT DOING A PREEMPTIVE 30-FOR-30 ON THIS?!?!
On the plus side, the Har-bowl will take some of the spotlight off the Ray Lewis Retirement Tour.
In a story NOBODY saw coming, Jim Caldwell will get back to the Super Bowl before Peyton Manning.
In the championship games, the higher seeds...will both lose. The teams with home field advantage...will both lose. The teams that hold halftime leads...will both lose. The teams that connect on field goals...will both lose.
When in doubt, blame the kickers. Except not David Akers. That guy can't miss!
Prior to the Championship games, John and Jim Harbaugh will each remember a lesson they learned from their father, Jack, who once told them, "boys, if you're ever coaching in the NFL, and you get to the AFC or NFC Championship game, this is what you must do: do not score in the first quarter. Score seven points each in two of the quarters and 14 in the other quarter. Finish the game with 28 points. Trail at halftime. Do not make a field goal."
Mission accomplished, dad.
The 49ers, Falcons and Ravens will all score more points in one quarter than the Patriots will in the entire game. This would only be awkward if New England led the NFL in yards per game and scoring during the regular season.
After the game, Bill Belichick will say this: "We gave up too many points and didn’t score enough."
That's why he's a football genius, ladies and gentlemen.
Colin Kaepernick will attempt to redefine flexing as "Kaepernicking."
Pretty sure football has reached its allotment of [insert last name here]-ing, with Tebow-ing and Te'o-ing. Plus, you can't take something that already has a name and rename it to your name simply because you do it once or twice. Otherwise, annoying people by channel surfing so as to avoid commercials and missing parts of the show you were watching because you didn't flip back in time would be called RL-ing.
Roger Goodell will shamelessly attempt to make Saints fans love him by reinstating Sean Payton less than two weeks before the Super Bowl, which will take place in....New Orleans.
George W. Bush will be heard telling Roger Goodell: "Goody, you're doing a heck of a job."
It will be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that Beyonce is a real fraud. No, Beyonce is fraudulently real. No, Beyonce is just a singer and WHO CARES IF SHE LIPSYNCS TO HER OWN PRERECORDED TRACK OR NOT.
Fans will be clamoring for Beyonce to sing herself during the Super Bowl halftime show, rather than lipsyncing to a pre-recorded track.
Yeah, good luck with that. To the fans AND Beyonce.
For once, Kim Kardashian will be able to say she is more real than Beyonce.
That is a sad state of affairs. For all of us AND Beyonce.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
The Full Manti
This post was supposed to be about the NFL Playoffs (remember them?). It was going to be an eloquent piece about how I went into the playoffs rooting for Peyton Manning but then got invited to the Ray Lewis Retirement party; how I was sure that Green Bay was going to the Super Bowl but then I thought a New England - San Francisco game would be amazing (except that my wife doesn't want Jim Harbaugh anywhere near SB XLVII and neither do I).
But then Wednesday afternoon happened. Deadspin went hogwild on the Manti Te'o girlfriend-died-of-leukemia-and-I'm-playing-for-her story and tore it to shreds. By about 6pm on Wednesday, every major magazine/newspaper/website had the story and twitter had been Te'o-ed.
Here are a few of the happy people at 6:30pm on Wednesday: Notre Dame haters (let's talk about Manti Te'o and Notre Dame!) and Lance Armstrong (please talk about Mani Te'o and Notre Dame!)
Here are a few of the unhappy people at 6:30pm on Wednesday: Manti Te'o (for obvious reasons), Notre Dame (again, obvious reasons), Notre Dame fans (do I really have to say it again?), President Obama (wait, what about my gun regulations?), Oprah Winfrey (wait, what about my interview with Lance Armstrong?).
But it was too late. The Deadspin Te'o story, as extraordinary and unbelievable as it was, had become an avalanche.
The story about Te'o's girlfriend was that he met her last year during the Notre Dame-Stanford game, they began an online/over the phone relationship, she was hit by a car, no she had leukemia, no she was hit by a car and then in the hospital the doctors discovered she had leukemia, Te'o would spend hours with her on the phone while she was in the hospital, but then she succumbed and passed away in September, around the same time he found out his grandmother had passed away (nobody really sure which came first - as Deadspin points out, conflicting reports here). The grandmother part of the story is true. The girlfriend part - all of it - is false. She never existed.
The way Notre Dame and Te'o spin it, he was the victim of a malicious hoax, a kind of catfish, which apparently is now a term. I honestly don't know if I used it correctly.
Notre Dame released a statement saying it had found out Te'o's girlfriend never existed on Dec. 26, that the linebacker was the victim of a hoax, but that it was his story to tell, not the school's. Te'o claimed that he never actually met this girl (whose name was Lennay Kekua), that their relationship was over the phone and online. Te'o's parents stated in September that Kekua had visited Te'o in Hawaii on occasion, but perhaps she never actually showed up to any of their rendezvous.
According to the various media reports, Te'o and Kekua met after the Notre Dame-Stanford game in November of 2009 and exchanged digits. They were friends for a few years, she would travel to Hawaii to visit him from time to time, and then in early 2012 they became a couple. She was then involved in a car crash...at some point (as Deadspin points out, conflicting reports here), diagnosed with leukemia and passed away in September. But Deadspin also puts a pin in that bubble, showing how Te'o and Kekua actually met over twitter in October of 2011 and became a couple in January 2012.
Ok so let's say that Te'o, in fact, never met Kekua. Let's say that he saw some girl after the ND-Stanford game, he was attracted to her but he never actually got a chance to speak to her, and somehow they connected when he was back in South Bend and they became close friends and eventually a couple. Let's say he met some girl over twitter in October of 2011, they exchanged email address/phone numbers and then became close friends and eventually a couple.
Either way, online/phone relationships do happen. I should know, because that's how I fell in love with my (now) wife. We knew of each other, but had never actually met, when I was in San Francisco and she was in DC. We struck up a conversation over AIM (remember that? me either.), which then progressed to phone conversations, which then progressed to meeting each other, which then progressed to now. I was lucky though - my wife actually exists.
But one issue (of many) is that two and a half years is a long time to go without ever meeting, especially when your dad is telling reporters that Te'o and Kekua met at various times in Hawaii. Wouldn't you have told your dad if you had been stood up by this person that you are apparently so close to?
There are so many issues and just not enough time. Just search "Manti Te'o" or #MantiTeo on twitter and you'll get all the questions you desire, and some you'd probably rather have never seen. But one issue I would like to mention is the fact that Notre Dame sat on this story for almost a month. I understand that the school felt it was Te'o's story to tell, but shouldn't they have advised him to stay in front of the story?
My suggestion would have been for Notre Dame to put out a short release, maybe a paragraph long, that says something to the effect of: "It has come to our attention that Manti Te'o was the victim of an awful hoax regarding his girlfriend, Lennay Kekua. We believe that someone played a cruel joke on Manti by creating and then pretending to be Lennay. Notre Dame is investigating the matter." You then release the story on Monday, Jan. 7, at about 3pm. Oh, is that the day of the BCS Championship? Never even occurred to me. (In fact, Notre Dame put out basically that release, but only after the Deadspin article came out.)
Had the school put out a statement on the day of the championship, the story would have had about five hours to go around the interwebs. Once the game starts, doesn't that become the story? If Notre Dame wins, Te'o can simply say, "yes I was the victim of a hoax, it's very sad that people feel the need to do things like this, but right now I'm just thinking about my teammates, coaches and fans." If Notre Dame loses, Te'o can simply say, "yes I was the victim of a hoax, it's very sad that people feel the need to do things like this, but right now I'm just thinking about my teammates, coaches and fans." (In fact, that's basically what Te'o said in response to the Deadspin article.)
Te'o might very well be innocent in all of this. Perhaps he really is the victim of an awful hoax that went on for almost three years. According to the Deadspin article, the man behind the hoax, Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, also played the same practical joke on other people before going after Te'o. But with so many inconsistencies in Te'o's story, many feel that he was involved somehow. But then the issue becomes motive - why would he do that? The theory goes that Te'o wanted to get himself more publicity, wanted to be placed among the pantheon of former Notre Dame football players, but is that enough of a reason to continually lie about a fake girlfriend? Did he want the Heisman Trophy that badly that he thought having a fake dead girlfriend would help him win? Was he so embarrassed that he had never actually met his girlfriend that he kept going with the story to save face?
Unfortunately, I'm sure we'll never find out the real story. Te'o is reportedly going to be interviewed by ESPN, but we probably won't find out the truth, the hoax truth and nothing but the truth until he goes on Oprah. Hey look, she's smiling again!
IN CLOSING
Not to make the story about me, but I would like to point out that I beat professional funny man Michael Schur to a joke. You may have seen his name in such shows as Saturday Night Live, The Office and Parks and Recreation.
Here's my tweet, posted at 4:59pm ET.
I feel like this #MantiTeo story is the Tim Burton equivalent of "you don't know my girlfriend, she's from Canada." @sportspickle
Here's his tweet, posted at 5:55pm ET.
Te'o really took the "my girlfriend lives in Canada" gambit to a whole new level.
ALMOST ONE HOUR DIFFERENCE.
That means I win. And I don't want to hear the whole, "he has 61,608 followers, you have 40" spin. Seriously, I don't want to hear it. Please stop pointing it out. It makes me sad.
But then Wednesday afternoon happened. Deadspin went hogwild on the Manti Te'o girlfriend-died-of-leukemia-and-I'm-playing-for-her story and tore it to shreds. By about 6pm on Wednesday, every major magazine/newspaper/website had the story and twitter had been Te'o-ed.
Here are a few of the happy people at 6:30pm on Wednesday: Notre Dame haters (let's talk about Manti Te'o and Notre Dame!) and Lance Armstrong (please talk about Mani Te'o and Notre Dame!)
Here are a few of the unhappy people at 6:30pm on Wednesday: Manti Te'o (for obvious reasons), Notre Dame (again, obvious reasons), Notre Dame fans (do I really have to say it again?), President Obama (wait, what about my gun regulations?), Oprah Winfrey (wait, what about my interview with Lance Armstrong?).
But it was too late. The Deadspin Te'o story, as extraordinary and unbelievable as it was, had become an avalanche.
The story about Te'o's girlfriend was that he met her last year during the Notre Dame-Stanford game, they began an online/over the phone relationship, she was hit by a car, no she had leukemia, no she was hit by a car and then in the hospital the doctors discovered she had leukemia, Te'o would spend hours with her on the phone while she was in the hospital, but then she succumbed and passed away in September, around the same time he found out his grandmother had passed away (nobody really sure which came first - as Deadspin points out, conflicting reports here). The grandmother part of the story is true. The girlfriend part - all of it - is false. She never existed.
The way Notre Dame and Te'o spin it, he was the victim of a malicious hoax, a kind of catfish, which apparently is now a term. I honestly don't know if I used it correctly.
Notre Dame released a statement saying it had found out Te'o's girlfriend never existed on Dec. 26, that the linebacker was the victim of a hoax, but that it was his story to tell, not the school's. Te'o claimed that he never actually met this girl (whose name was Lennay Kekua), that their relationship was over the phone and online. Te'o's parents stated in September that Kekua had visited Te'o in Hawaii on occasion, but perhaps she never actually showed up to any of their rendezvous.
According to the various media reports, Te'o and Kekua met after the Notre Dame-Stanford game in November of 2009 and exchanged digits. They were friends for a few years, she would travel to Hawaii to visit him from time to time, and then in early 2012 they became a couple. She was then involved in a car crash...at some point (as Deadspin points out, conflicting reports here), diagnosed with leukemia and passed away in September. But Deadspin also puts a pin in that bubble, showing how Te'o and Kekua actually met over twitter in October of 2011 and became a couple in January 2012.
Ok so let's say that Te'o, in fact, never met Kekua. Let's say that he saw some girl after the ND-Stanford game, he was attracted to her but he never actually got a chance to speak to her, and somehow they connected when he was back in South Bend and they became close friends and eventually a couple. Let's say he met some girl over twitter in October of 2011, they exchanged email address/phone numbers and then became close friends and eventually a couple.
Either way, online/phone relationships do happen. I should know, because that's how I fell in love with my (now) wife. We knew of each other, but had never actually met, when I was in San Francisco and she was in DC. We struck up a conversation over AIM (remember that? me either.), which then progressed to phone conversations, which then progressed to meeting each other, which then progressed to now. I was lucky though - my wife actually exists.
But one issue (of many) is that two and a half years is a long time to go without ever meeting, especially when your dad is telling reporters that Te'o and Kekua met at various times in Hawaii. Wouldn't you have told your dad if you had been stood up by this person that you are apparently so close to?
There are so many issues and just not enough time. Just search "Manti Te'o" or #MantiTeo on twitter and you'll get all the questions you desire, and some you'd probably rather have never seen. But one issue I would like to mention is the fact that Notre Dame sat on this story for almost a month. I understand that the school felt it was Te'o's story to tell, but shouldn't they have advised him to stay in front of the story?
My suggestion would have been for Notre Dame to put out a short release, maybe a paragraph long, that says something to the effect of: "It has come to our attention that Manti Te'o was the victim of an awful hoax regarding his girlfriend, Lennay Kekua. We believe that someone played a cruel joke on Manti by creating and then pretending to be Lennay. Notre Dame is investigating the matter." You then release the story on Monday, Jan. 7, at about 3pm. Oh, is that the day of the BCS Championship? Never even occurred to me. (In fact, Notre Dame put out basically that release, but only after the Deadspin article came out.)
Had the school put out a statement on the day of the championship, the story would have had about five hours to go around the interwebs. Once the game starts, doesn't that become the story? If Notre Dame wins, Te'o can simply say, "yes I was the victim of a hoax, it's very sad that people feel the need to do things like this, but right now I'm just thinking about my teammates, coaches and fans." If Notre Dame loses, Te'o can simply say, "yes I was the victim of a hoax, it's very sad that people feel the need to do things like this, but right now I'm just thinking about my teammates, coaches and fans." (In fact, that's basically what Te'o said in response to the Deadspin article.)
Te'o might very well be innocent in all of this. Perhaps he really is the victim of an awful hoax that went on for almost three years. According to the Deadspin article, the man behind the hoax, Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, also played the same practical joke on other people before going after Te'o. But with so many inconsistencies in Te'o's story, many feel that he was involved somehow. But then the issue becomes motive - why would he do that? The theory goes that Te'o wanted to get himself more publicity, wanted to be placed among the pantheon of former Notre Dame football players, but is that enough of a reason to continually lie about a fake girlfriend? Did he want the Heisman Trophy that badly that he thought having a fake dead girlfriend would help him win? Was he so embarrassed that he had never actually met his girlfriend that he kept going with the story to save face?
Unfortunately, I'm sure we'll never find out the real story. Te'o is reportedly going to be interviewed by ESPN, but we probably won't find out the truth, the hoax truth and nothing but the truth until he goes on Oprah. Hey look, she's smiling again!
IN CLOSING
Not to make the story about me, but I would like to point out that I beat professional funny man Michael Schur to a joke. You may have seen his name in such shows as Saturday Night Live, The Office and Parks and Recreation.
Here's my tweet, posted at 4:59pm ET.
Here's his tweet, posted at 5:55pm ET.
ALMOST ONE HOUR DIFFERENCE.
That means I win. And I don't want to hear the whole, "he has 61,608 followers, you have 40" spin. Seriously, I don't want to hear it. Please stop pointing it out. It makes me sad.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Balls Of Gold
I’ll admit it – I was hoping the Texans-Patriots game would
end before the Golden Globes kicked off. There was even a part of me that was a
little bummed I missed the red carpets, because who doesn’t like looking at
pretty ladies and handsome gentlemen all decked out and then making fun of
every little thing that they do? So when the Patriots wrapped up their berth to
the AFC Championship at 6:55 pm, I waited a beat so that I could seem manly,
then switched over to NBC.
In what amounts to be a direct rip off of Bill Simmons’
Draft Diaries, here is my Golden Globes, umm, Journal. Get ready for a healthy
dose of snark.
7:59 pm (ET) The Today show folk are getting their final thoughts in
as the voice-in-the-background guy counts us down to the beginning of the Globes.
Matt Lauer essentially has to shout to be heard over the
voice-in-the-background guy. “I wonder if they know that we can hear that guy,”
says my wife. Ever the professional, Lauer counts down the final five seconds
with voice-in-the-background guy. This is already a fun show.
8:00 pm (ET) Amy Poehler and Tina Fey come out, and they
look great. You don’t think Poehler looking awesome has anything to do with her
recent breakup with Will Arnett, do you? For that matter, Arnett looks pretty
good too lately. Nah, probably a coincidence.
8:03 pm (ET) Poehler with a zinger about Kathryn Bigelow’s
marriage to James Cameron. Joaquim Phoenix looks like he doesn’t get it. He
also looks like he doesn’t know where he is.
8:04 pm (ET) Cut to Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, then a
strange cut to Mel Gibson and Jodie Foster. Are we supposed to look at Gibson
and Foster as a happy couple? For that matter, with all the flack that Gibson
gets for his anti-Jewish rants, shouldn’t Foster and Robert Downey, Jr. get
some of the shrapnel? I think it’s great to give people second (or third, or
fourth) chances, but it certainly doesn’t appear that Gibson feels he has ever
done any wrong and it makes Foster/Downey Jr. look like they are as blind to
Gibson’s issues as he is.
8:05 pm (ET) Back to fun and tomfoolery. Fey and Poehler are
already better than Anne Hathaway and James Franco. And they just made sure to
point that out.
8:08 pm (ET) Fey and Poehler make a joke about Daniel Day-Lewis, who plays along. Who
knew he had a sense of humor?!
8:12 pm (ET) Kerry Washington gets as close to a Golden
Globe as she ever will, accepting on Maggie Smith’s behalf.
8:19 pm (ET) With all these great actors on the stage as
Game Chance gets an award, the only one I focus on is the smallest one. Boy,
Doyle from Gilmore Girls is short. Like, really small. He actually co-wrote
Game Change. Also, I just found out his real name is Danny Strong.
8:20 pm (ET) Hey Game Change guy: leave the jokes to Tina
Fey and Amy Poehler. Actually, anyone who’s not a professional comedian – leave
the jokes at home. It’s just embarrassing for the rest of us. And not Michael
Scott embarrassing that makes us laugh. Just embarrassing.
8:22 pm (ET) Julianne Moore makes an inside joke that falls
predictably flat, as she is the only one who gets it. She then gets music-ed
off the stage. Which is BS. The Game Change guy got at least two more minutes.
8:29 pm (ET) Good move bringing out the Hollywood Foreign
Press President on the early side of the broadcast. Usually they bring the
presidents out near the end in what amounts to a “time to not pay attention for
a few minutes.” And she’s funny!! That’s also a first.
8:35 pm (ET) Either Salma Hayek and Paul Rudd decided to go
on strike for a bigger pay day or there was a malfunction with the
teleprompter. So finally someone just starts showing clips of TV Series –
Drama. Good thing Rudd is so damn likeable (and Hayek is so damn hot) – they
totally pull it off!
By the way, if 10 years ago I told you that Ravens
linebacker Ray Lewis was going to co-star in a series of commercials with Paul
Rudd, and was actually going to come out being as likeable as Rudd, you would
have laughed me out of the room.
8:41 pm (ET) A promo for NBC’s Deception comes on. Or as I
like to call it, ABC’s Revenge but on NBC. God Bless the originality of
Hollywood!
8:42 pm (ET) Tony Mendez can break Americans out of Iran but
he can’t handle talking to a group of Hollywood people. And apparently he has
never used a microphone before in his life. That was cool to see him, but
painful to watch.
8:45 pm (ET) Anyone else think that Jason Statham was
hitting on J Lo? Not cool, bro. Plus, she only goes for guys 20 years younger
who dance.
8:47 pm (ET) No surprise, the music guy gets music-ed off.
Know your place bro.
8:48 pm (ET) If Adele doesn’t win best song, I give up on
the Hollywood Press. She wins! And then her accent promptly makes me think that
she should totally say, “ello, guvnor.”
8:52 pm (ET) For the third time, the Sophie Vergara-Diet
Pepsi-Wedding commercial plays. That’s about three times too many.
8:54 pm (ET) Keifer Sutherland and Jessica Alba come out to present.
I feel like the announcer should say, “One is a Golden Globe nominee. The other
is hot. You decided which title belongs to which actor.”
8:56 At one point, they should have Fey/Poehler win the
award as their character. It’s a funny bit though. Well played, ladies. Well
played.
8:58 pm (ET) Kevin Costner thanks people from Romania. I
would have gone with Norway.
9:00 pm (ET) Bill Clinton comes out to present Lincoln. He
gets a standing ovation. He is then upstaged by Amy Poehler and Tina Fey. Fey’s
“Bill Rodham Clinton” goes completely unnoticed by the room.
9:02 pm (ET) Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig are awesome. It
really makes a difference to have people with experience performing live on
stage. Tommy Lee Jones is not impressed. McKayla Maroney – you’ve been served.
9:06 pm (ET) Jennifer Lawrence (heretofore known as J-Law)
has a great acceptance speech. In a few weeks, when we find out Bradley Cooper
is dating J-Law, he will officially join the "guys I want to hate but
can't because they seem cool" club.
I hate those guys.
9:12 pm (ET) Jamie Foxx comes out. Who else thought he was
going to say a certain word? Tarantino, of course. What did you think I meant?
9:18 pm (ET) Fourth time for the Sofia Vergara-Diet
Pepsi-Wedding commercial. Oh, now I get it!
9:21 pm (ET) Robert Pattinson seems as boring in person as
he does in his movies.
9:24 pm (ET) Quentin Tarantino wins for Best Writer. He says
the N word exactly zero times.
9:26 pm (ET) We go from Tarantino to Jeremy Irons. My head
is spinning.
9:27 pm (ET) How many kids is Lucy Liu hiding under her
dress?
9:32 pm (ET) Stallone and Schwarzenegger present best
foreign film. The winner, some guy from Austria, is easier to understand than
either of them.
9:35 pm (ET) Claire Danes has the crazy eyes.
9:45 pm (ET) Brave wins best animated. The director wraps up
his speech thisclose to getting music-ed off.
9:52 pm (ET) Pretty sure that’s the first time Lena Dunham
has ever walked in heels.
9:53 pm (ET) Lena Dunham starts her speech by calling Tina
Fey, Amy Poehler, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Zooey Deschanel old. I mean the first
three, sure, but Zooey Deschanel is like my age!
9:58 pm (ET) Tina Fey with an awesome zinger about Taylor
Swift. Poehler and Fey not pulling punches, which I enjoy. What I do not enjoy,
is that we do not get to see Taylor Swift’s reaction to said joke. Damn you,
NBC!
10:00 pm (ET) I didn’t get Robert Downey Jr.’s hamster joke.
I’m guessing most of the room didn’t either.
10:05 pm (ET) I think Jodie Foster had the same stuff that
Robert Downey, Jr. did. What did they put in those hamsters?!
10:09 Mel Gibson looks as confused as the rest of us.
10:12 Jodie Foster wraps up. I’m sure her speech was
meaningful and powerful, but I didn’t get a word of it. I feel dumb, smart,
weird, normal, refreshed and exhausted all at the same time.
My assumption was that Foster was basically saying her life has been a reality show since she got into showbiz, and that it's a very lonely existence. Which certainly went over well with the Hollywood crowd, but left us "normal" folk (i.e. the fans) a little confused. I mean, isn't fame part of the showbiz lifestyle? And didn't you choose to go into showbiz? I get that it must be hard to have your every action photographed and plastered over tabloids/newspapers/websites, but I'm guessing people who are living paycheck to paycheck would welcome dealing with paparazzi if it meant they were set financially. And besides, when is the last time we saw Jodie Foster in any tabloid/newspaper/website? Other than today, which is a direct result of her speech at the Golden Globes. My head is spinning again.
I saw that people are upset with Foster did not straight out saying, "I am gay." Which also confused me, because I thought it was a universally known fact that she was gay. Does she really need to
tell us what we already know? And if she's feeling so lonely, maybe she should open up about her life, let us all in a little bit. We've been fans of yours for a long time, Jodie. We won't bite. I promise.
My assumption was that Foster was basically saying her life has been a reality show since she got into showbiz, and that it's a very lonely existence. Which certainly went over well with the Hollywood crowd, but left us "normal" folk (i.e. the fans) a little confused. I mean, isn't fame part of the showbiz lifestyle? And didn't you choose to go into showbiz? I get that it must be hard to have your every action photographed and plastered over tabloids/newspapers/websites, but I'm guessing people who are living paycheck to paycheck would welcome dealing with paparazzi if it meant they were set financially. And besides, when is the last time we saw Jodie Foster in any tabloid/newspaper/website? Other than today, which is a direct result of her speech at the Golden Globes. My head is spinning again.
I saw that people are upset with Foster did not straight out saying, "I am gay." Which also confused me, because I thought it was a universally known fact that she was gay. Does she really need to
tell us what we already know? And if she's feeling so lonely, maybe she should open up about her life, let us all in a little bit. We've been fans of yours for a long time, Jodie. We won't bite. I promise.
10:17 pm (ET) I actually pumped my fist when Ben Affleck was
named Best Director. What a great movie Argo was. I would like to ask the
Hollywood gods to make sure that Affleck and Garner stay together. They seem
like a normal couple, which is rare even for normal couples.
10:18 pm (ET) The troops are mentioned for the first time
tonight. Who’s directing this thing, Mitt Romney?!
10:21 pm (ET) I see Fallon and Leno, and I'm reminded of Jimmy
Kimmel’s joke: "you know, Jay Leno used to be a comedian!” I know the
networks use these award shows to pump their own shows/actors, but couldn’t
they have just used Fallon? He, unlike Jay, is actually funny.
10:22 pm (ET) Oh good, Lena Dunham gets another chance to
practice walking in heels.
10:23 pm (ET) Me: Who is that behind Lena Dunham? Looks like
a younger Amanda Peet.
My wife: Oh that’s Brian Williams’ daughter.
Me: Oh. How about that.
10:26 pm (ET) Fifth time they are showing the Sofia
Vergara-Diet Pepsi-Wedding commercial. Nope, I was wrong. I don’t get it at
all.
10:29 pm (ET) Christian Bale comes out to present Silver
Linings Playbook. I wonder if he knows he’s referring to American football, and
not, you know, footie football.
10:31 pm (ET) I gotta say, Hugh Jackman does a great
Australian accent.
10:35 pm (ET) It occurs to me that since the opening of the
show, we’ve only seen Tina Fey and Amy Poehler a handful of times. Which is a
kush gig for them, but a bummer for us.
10:36 pm (ET)The Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas has an ad with models
taking pictures with a bunch of puppies and kitties and bunnies. Then a model
takes a bunny and puts it outside the hotel, and the tagline is “just the right
amount of wrong.” So did that one bunny make it the wrong amount of wrong? I’m
very confused.
10:38 pm (ET) Jeremy Renner is dreamy. Oh wait is this thing
on?
10:39 pm (ET) Jeremy Renner swears. Mel Gibson looks
confused again.
10:39:30 It occurs to me that the presenters for Best Film
are actors who previously worked with the nominees’ directors. Jeremy Renner –
Kathryn Bigelow – Hurt Locker. Christian Bale – David O. Russell – The Fighter. Liev
Schreiber – Ang Lee – Taking Woodstock. The only two that did not work with the
director in question was Bill Clinton (duh) for Steven Spielberg, and Josh
Brolin and Wes Anderson. And yes, I just spent 15 minutes searching IMDB to see
which movie Brolin worked on that Anderson directed.
10:40 pm (ET) Of the five movies nominated for Best
Comedy-Musical, are any of them actually a comedy? I feel like Les Mis won
simply because it’s the only movie that qualifies as either a musical or a
comedy. All the other movies seem more like dramas with funny elements. The
HFPA should really look into that.
10:43 pm (ET) My dog is running in his sleep. I wonder if
you can burn calories that way? If so, sign me up for that!
10:45 pm (ET) An ad for Silver Linings Playbook comes on,
featuring a number of scenes with Bradley Cooper and J-Law face to face. My
thought: boy I hope both of them have good breath when filming those scenes.
10:47 pm (ET) My dog just farted. He is the king of SBDs.
10:49 pm (ET) KATHRYN BIGELOW IS 61 YEARS OLD. MIND – BLOWN.
10:50 pm (ET) George Clooney is announcing the Best Actor
nominations. The look on Denzel's face said: "I know I'm not winning let's
get this stupid thing over with."
10:52 pm (ET) Daniel Day-Lewis is getting music-ed off. I
give up.
10:54 pm (ET) Number six for Sofia Vergara-Diet
Pepsi-Wedding commercial. I was hoping for the Golden Globes orchestra to music
the commercial off, but no such luck.
10:57 pm (ET) Argo wins in an upset over Lincoln! Argo is
the Butler of the Golden Globes, if Hayward's shot had gone in.
10:59 pm (ET) Is this the first awards show that finished
before 11pm? I guess there was a method to the orchestra’s madness. Well
played, music-off director. Well played.
11:00 pm (ET) Seth MacFarlane has some big shoes to live up
to. Well actually some small shoes, but there are two pairs, so that makes them
big. Either way, the bar has been set Seth – make sure you bring your A game to
the Oscars.
CORRECTION
My father out-pop-cultured me and pointed out that Ben Affleck's wife is in fact, Jennifer Garner, and not Amy Garner. No idea where Amy came from. I blame Jodie Foster's speech (which didn't occur until after I wrote that particular comment, but still).
CORRECTION
My father out-pop-cultured me and pointed out that Ben Affleck's wife is in fact, Jennifer Garner, and not Amy Garner. No idea where Amy came from. I blame Jodie Foster's speech (which didn't occur until after I wrote that particular comment, but still).
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Post-NFL Wildcard Weekend Predictions, Episode V (-4)
Game-by-game predictions made prior to the NFL Wildcard Weekend based on the results of those games
Minnesota-Green Bay
NBC will delay the announcement as long as possible, but eventually will realize that 99.9% of the football watching population already knows and will finally tell said 99.9% of the football population what it already knows, that Vikings quarterback Christian Ponder will not start against the Packers and will be replaced by Joe Webb. You remember Joe Webb, the guy who has thrown for 853 yards in 17 regular season games, with a 57.9 completion percentage, three touchdowns and five interceptions? Yeah, that guy.
Tony Dungy, who works for NBC (not many know this), will immediately spin the injury as a boon for the Vikings, that Webb presents difficult matchup problems for the Packers, almost going as far as to say that the Vikings are better off with Webb than with Ponder.
You remember Webb, the guy who has thrown for 853 yards in 17 regular season games, with a 57.9 completion percentage, three touchdowns and five interceptions? Yeah, that guy.
Dungy will do his best to over-sell Webb so that viewers won't give up on watching the game that held the most promise going into Wildcard Weekend (hence the 8pm Saturday night primetime slot). Five minutes in, Dungy will look like a genius, as Webb and Peterson will matriculate the ball down the field, ending with a Vikings field goal and a 3-0 lead. But eventually, Joe Webb will prove to be the guy who averaged 50.2 yards per game in his regular season career, Aaron Rodgers will prove why run when you can throw and the Packers will win a game that will appear closer than it really was.
I know everyone loves the backup quarterback. He's everyone's favorite player. He's never let you down, he's never thrown a dumb interception in the end zone, he's never stepped out of bounds in the back of the end zone even though there were no defenders anywhere near him. But here's the thing: THERE'S A REASON HE'S THE BACKUP QUARTERBACK.
Do you think the Vikings coaches started Ponder for the entire season because they hate themselves? They started him because they felt he was the quarterback who gave their team the best chance to win (note: I did not say "'better' quarterback").
To put it succinctly, Adrian Peterson ran for 399 yards and two touchdowns in the two games against the Packers with Ponder. With Webb, however, Peterson ran for 99 yards.
You remember Webb, the guy who went 11-of-30 for 180 yards and a meaningless fourth-quarter touchdown in the Wildcard round of the playoffs?
Yeah, that guy.
Minnesota-Green Bay
NBC will delay the announcement as long as possible, but eventually will realize that 99.9% of the football watching population already knows and will finally tell said 99.9% of the football population what it already knows, that Vikings quarterback Christian Ponder will not start against the Packers and will be replaced by Joe Webb. You remember Joe Webb, the guy who has thrown for 853 yards in 17 regular season games, with a 57.9 completion percentage, three touchdowns and five interceptions? Yeah, that guy.
Tony Dungy, who works for NBC (not many know this), will immediately spin the injury as a boon for the Vikings, that Webb presents difficult matchup problems for the Packers, almost going as far as to say that the Vikings are better off with Webb than with Ponder.
You remember Webb, the guy who has thrown for 853 yards in 17 regular season games, with a 57.9 completion percentage, three touchdowns and five interceptions? Yeah, that guy.
Dungy will do his best to over-sell Webb so that viewers won't give up on watching the game that held the most promise going into Wildcard Weekend (hence the 8pm Saturday night primetime slot). Five minutes in, Dungy will look like a genius, as Webb and Peterson will matriculate the ball down the field, ending with a Vikings field goal and a 3-0 lead. But eventually, Joe Webb will prove to be the guy who averaged 50.2 yards per game in his regular season career, Aaron Rodgers will prove why run when you can throw and the Packers will win a game that will appear closer than it really was.
I know everyone loves the backup quarterback. He's everyone's favorite player. He's never let you down, he's never thrown a dumb interception in the end zone, he's never stepped out of bounds in the back of the end zone even though there were no defenders anywhere near him. But here's the thing: THERE'S A REASON HE'S THE BACKUP QUARTERBACK.
Do you think the Vikings coaches started Ponder for the entire season because they hate themselves? They started him because they felt he was the quarterback who gave their team the best chance to win (note: I did not say "'better' quarterback").
To put it succinctly, Adrian Peterson ran for 399 yards and two touchdowns in the two games against the Packers with Ponder. With Webb, however, Peterson ran for 99 yards.
You remember Webb, the guy who went 11-of-30 for 180 yards and a meaningless fourth-quarter touchdown in the Wildcard round of the playoffs?
Yeah, that guy.
Post-NFL Wildcard Weekend Predictions: Episode XVLMNOP
Game-by-game predictions made prior to the NFL Wildcard Weekend based on the results of those games
Indianapolis-Baltimore
Before the Ravens' game against Indy, Roger Goodell will greet Ray Lewis and congratulate him on his impending retirement. They will share a long embrace while having a short conversation. Luckily, our lip readers will be able to catch every word.
Which is more than we can say for Lewis, who won't even be able to catch a football that will hit him right in his arms. And I don't want to hear that "I am coming back from a torn tricep and now I'm wearing Robocop on my arm" excuse.
Roger: Ray, congratulations on an amazing career.
Ray: Thanks, Commish.
Roger: Ray, I need your help.
Ray: Um, ok.
Roger: All the other players are being really mean to me.
Ray: Ok...
Roger: They keep talking about me behind my back.
Ray: Only sometim-
Roger: They are saying really unfair things, like that I don't really care about them.
Ray: Well-
Roger: So will you be my friend?
Ray: What?
Roger: If I can tell people you're my friend, they'll like me again!
Ray: ...
Roger: And you can tell people that you're my friend and that I'm cool, and then everyone will like me again!
Ray: I dunno...
Roger: Puh-leeese?! I'll give you an exclusive interview next year for your gig on ESPN!
Ray: Promise?
Roger: Swear on Paul Tagliabue's grave!
Ray: Wait a min-
Roger: Thanks Ray, byee!
Indianapolis-Baltimore
Before the Ravens' game against Indy, Roger Goodell will greet Ray Lewis and congratulate him on his impending retirement. They will share a long embrace while having a short conversation. Luckily, our lip readers will be able to catch every word.
Which is more than we can say for Lewis, who won't even be able to catch a football that will hit him right in his arms. And I don't want to hear that "I am coming back from a torn tricep and now I'm wearing Robocop on my arm" excuse.
Roger: Ray, congratulations on an amazing career.
Ray: Thanks, Commish.
Roger: Ray, I need your help.
Ray: Um, ok.
Roger: All the other players are being really mean to me.
Ray: Ok...
Roger: They keep talking about me behind my back.
Ray: Only sometim-
Roger: They are saying really unfair things, like that I don't really care about them.
Ray: Well-
Roger: So will you be my friend?
Ray: What?
Roger: If I can tell people you're my friend, they'll like me again!
Ray: ...
Roger: And you can tell people that you're my friend and that I'm cool, and then everyone will like me again!
Ray: I dunno...
Roger: Puh-leeese?! I'll give you an exclusive interview next year for your gig on ESPN!
Ray: Promise?
Roger: Swear on Paul Tagliabue's grave!
Ray: Wait a min-
Roger: Thanks Ray, byee!
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