Thursday, December 22, 2011

Post NFL-Week 15 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

The 2011 Chiefs will do their best 1985 Dolphins impersonation, handing the 2011 Packers their first loss in the 2011 calendar year, and the 1972 Dolphins will party like it’s 1999.

The Colts will defeat the Titans for their first victory of the season. The game would have been more interesting if Peyton Manning and Chris Johnson were involved.

Dan Orlovsky will become the first Colts quarterback to lead the team to a victory since Jim Harbaugh in 1997.

That same Jim Harbaugh will become the second Harbaugh to lead his team to a win over the Steelers in 2011 when the 49ers shut the lights out on Pittsburgh.

Literally and figuratively.

The first Harbaugh will watch his Ravens defeated soundly by the Chargers to continue their trend of late season success that will lead to another year of Norv Turner as head coach that will lead to another year of early failure and late season success which will lead to another year of Norv Turner as head coach that will lead…

Thanks to the Colts’ victory, the longest current losing streak will belong to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who will not show up against the Cowboys en route to their eighth-straight loss.

The Bucs will lose their third-straight by at least two touchdowns. Head coach Raheem Morris, who was 35 when the season started, will be 50 after Week 15.

Thanks to the Packers’ loss, the longest current winning streak will be the Patriots and Saints, as each will win their sixth-consecutive game, over Tebow Time and the Vikings, respectively.

Chad Ochocinco will finish one reception shy of his season-high while setting a season-best in touchdown receptions.

Ochocinco will catch one pass for one touchdown.

In the battle of the backups, John Skelton will lead the Cardinals to a their third overtime win in the past seven games, this time defeating Seneca Wallace and the Browns. Arizona will win its fourth-straight to improve to 7-7 and enter Wild Card contention. The trade for Kevin Kolb will look better and better as Skelton will improve to 5-1 as a starter.

Houston’s seven-game winning streak will come to an end at the hands of Cam Newton and the Panthers.

Against the Texans, Panthers offensive coordinator Rob Chudzinski will design a play based on the movie Little Giants.

Coaches for the Buccaneers will be watching football movies all week to get ready for Carolina. But Chudzinski will be too smart for that, going with the Red Seven Hot Route play from Wedding Crashers.

The Lions will score 14 points over the final 7:47, including the go-ahead score on a 98-yard drive, to defeat the Raiders. Ndamukong Suh return from a two-game suspension to block the potential gamewinning kick, marking the second-straight game “Suh” will be mentioned in the same sentence as “kick.”

Reggie Bush will make a bold statement in his wish to get back together with Kim Kardashian, rushing for a career-high 203 yards in the Dolphins’ win over Buffalo.

The Bills were once 5-2. After Week 15, they will be 5-9. During that stretch, quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick will have eight touchdowns and 12 interceptions. His new theme song will be Mo Money, Mo Problems.

The two New Jersey teams will combine to score 29 points. Their two NFC East opponents will combine to score 68 points. It’s not over until the fat lady sings, but she is definitely going through warm ups.

The Seahawks will defeat the Jay Cutler-less Bears to improve to 7-7 and enter the Wild Card equation. Bears coach Lovie Smith will have a tough time figuring out where to put Sam Hurd on the injury list. Does arrest for federal drug charges make a player Doubtful or Questionable?

The Bengals will defeat the Rams to ensure that the AFC North will be the only division in the NFL with three teams above .500. The Rams’ loss will put them in at tie for the worst record in the NFC. Which feat is more impressive? You be the judge.

The Falcons will have no problem with the Jaguars, building a 27-0 halftime lead before coasting to victory. New Jacksonville owner Shahid Khan (no relation to Chaka) will wonder if the team was overpriced at $760 million.

That’s just $190 million per victory!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Post NFL-Week 14 (and 13) Predictions

Predictions made about the previous (two) week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Twelve teams will go 2-0 over Week 13 and 14.

Included in that category will be the Arizona Cardinals.

Which would be a bigger story except that darn Tim Tebow will lead the Broncos to two come-from-behind victories.

After Week 14, sports talk will sound as though Tim Tebow entered his own portal in the movie Being Tim Tebow.

After Denver’s overtime win over Chicago in Week 14, Brian Urhlacher will make a back-handed compliment to Tebow, calling him “a good running back.”

That will be the best hit the Bears defense puts on Tebow all day.

The Falcons will need to score 24 points in the second half of their game against the Panthers to avoid going 0-2 over Week 13 and 14.

In Week 13, Matt Ryan will be outplayed by TJ Yates and Houston will defeat Atlanta.

The Texans will then take down the Bengals to earn their First. Playoff Appearance. Ever.

The Dolphins will defeat the Raiders and then lose to the Dreamgles. The Chiefs will defeat the Bears and then lose to the Jets.

The Raiders and Bears will each go 0-2 over Weeks 13 and 14, yet it will be Miami and Kansas City that will be without head coaches after Week 14.

Chiefs head coach Todd Haley will be axed one year after guiding the team to a 10-6 record and an AFC West title.

The NFL: Where Not For Long and No Faith Lasts happens.

After Week 14, the Eagles will be 5-8.

Which will not be as surprising as the fact that they will still be in contention to win the NFC East.

Thanks to the Cardinals’ win over the Cowboys in Week 13, the Giants’ come-from-behind victory over Dallas in Week 14 puts New York in first-place in the division.

Dallas will give up its third game after leading by more than 10 points in the fourth quarter.

That sound you will hear is Rex Ryan’s chances of a head coaching gig dying an agonizing death after looking like it was going to pull through.

Unless he is elevated to head coach at Dallas, where the bar has been set at “call a timeout to ice your own kicker.”

Tennessee will go 1-0 during Week 13 thanks to the running of Chris Johnson, who will finish with 23 carries for 153 yards and two touchdowns in a win over Buffalo.

Tennessee go 0-1 during Week 14 thanks to the running of Chris Johnson, who will finish with 11 carries for 23 yards and zero touchdowns in a loss to New Orleans.

The Saints will clinch a playoff berth by going 2-0 over Weeks 13 and 14. Drew Brees will earn the Denis Leary award for “Most NyQuil Ads Over A Season.”

The Buccaneers will fall to 4-9 with a 41-14 loss to the Jaguars. It will mark the fifth time this season Tampa Bay will have given up 35 or more points and lost. In 2010, when the Bucs finished 10-6, TB gave up 35 or more points just twice, going 1-1 in those two games.

Further proof that limiting the other team’s scoring is the best way to win.

The Packers will improve to 13-0 with a nail-biter against the Giants and a blowout of the Raiders.

In two losses over Weeks 13 and 14, Oakland quarterback Carson Palmer will go 44-for-83 for 518 yards, three touchdowns and five interceptions. Through seven games with the Raiders, Palmer will have nine touchdowns and 13 interceptions.

“Just Win, Baby” becomes “Just Don’t Throw It To The Other Team, Please.”

The Chargers will win twice to pull within two games of first-place in the AFC West, which will officially be called the cat-like Norv Turner’s eighth life.

The Bills will fall to 5-8 after being demolished by the Fighting Norv-ses in Week 14. Buffalo will be very upset after the game, but not half as upset as the Patriots, who will look back on their Week 3 loss to the Bills incredulously.

Speaking of upset, Tom Brady and offensive coordinator Bill O’Brien will do their best “Jersey Shore argument” routine late in the Patriots’ win over Washington.

GTL, boys. GTL.

The 49ers will shut out the Rams and then lose to the Cardinals, clinching a playoff berth in the process. San Francisco will have lost two of its past three games. The 49ers will breathe a sigh of relief once they realize that unlike every other division in the NFL, the NFC West has just one team over .500.

The Jets will get back on track with a pair of dominating performances over the Redskins and the Chiefs, which would look more impressive if it weren’t for the fat that it came against the Redskins and the Chiefs.

Mike Shanahan’s squad will fall to 4-9. He will be post his second-straight losing year for the first time in his career as a head coach while coaching the team for a full season.

Dan Snyder will be mad. You won’t like Dan Snyder when he’s mad. You probably won’t like Dan Snyder when he’s not mad either. He is not very likeable.

The Rams will fall to 2-10. Steve Spagnuolo will make a heck of a defensive coordinator for some team next year.

Seattle will go 2-0 to improve to 6-7. Just like the pickle-juice craze of 2000, NFL teams will see the success of Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch and start purchasing skittles in bulk.

Victory will always taste better than the rainbow.

The Browns will go 0-2 over Weeks 13 and 14. Colt McCoy will suffer a concussion during Cleveland’s loss to Pittsburgh and of course, Steelers linebacker James Harrison will be blamed.

Harrison will have an alibi though – he will be hitting Colt McCoy in the head at the time of the incident.

The Lions will go 1-1 and the Vikings will lose both games during Weeks 13 and 14. Since Minnesota played in the NFC Championship in 2009, Detroit will be 14-15 while Minnesota will be 8-21.

The curse of Fav-rah continues.

Ray Rice’s running will push the Ravens to wins in Weeks 13 and 14, as he will finish the two games with 307 yards on 55 carries with two touchdowns.

Ray Rice’s running will allow Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco to do what Joe Flacco does best, which is hand off to Ray Rice.

The Colts will fall to 0-13. The football gods, aka NFL fans, frown upon teams that don’t fight for an undefeated season.

Are you there, Green Bay? It’s us, NFL Fans.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Post NFL-Week 12 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

All over America, people will celebrate Thanksgiving by watching football. And eating. But mostly watching football.

FOXNews will at first be upset that football and eating are No. 1 and 2 on the “list of things to do on Thanksgiving,” until they are reminded that watching football and eating are each inherently American activities.

The Packers will hand the Lions their third-straight loss. Ndamukong Suh will be suspended for two games after he breaks into his “win dance,” which is illegal under the new collective bargaining agreement.

The spirit of Leon Lett will live on as a fumble will be the key play in a Thanksgiving Day game between the Cowboys and Dolphins. Unfortunately for Miami, Lett won’t be around to help set up a gimme field-goal attempt with seconds remaining in the game.

John will be the winner of the Har-bowl as the Ravens will end the 49ers’ eight-game winning streak. The Ravens will improve to 7-1 against teams with a winning record and 1-2 against teams with losing records.

Fortunately for the Ravens, teams with losing records do not make the postseason. At least, not this year.

Bills receiver Stevie Johnson will find out exactly what karma can do in the Bills’ loss to the Jets. The NFL gods frown upon attempted humor in touchdown celebrations. Just ask Chad Ochocinco. That dude is still paying for his dancing transgressions.

Andy Dalton will pick up his seventh win as a rookie starting quarterback in leading the Bengals to a victory over the Browns.

The Browns will fall to 0-2 in the division. Both losses will have been to the Bengals. The Browns will still have to face Baltimore and Pittsburgh twice. The NFL gods do not like Cleveland. Neither does Joakim Noah.

Speaking of karma and the NFL gods, Matt Leinart will suffer a season-ending injury after playing well early in Houston’s win over Jacksonville.

Atlanta quarterback Matt Ryan will have his first game this season with multiple touchdown passes and no interceptions in the Falcons’ win over Minnesota.

Falcons running back Michael Turner will finish four yards shy of out-rushing the entire Vikings team. Which would be impressive if it weren’t for the fact that Minnesota will rush for a mere 64 yards.

The NFC West will break the record for “divisional games that nobody cares about, not even the fans of the teams involved” when the Arizona Patrick Petersons defeat the Rams. I would tell you what the record is but frankly, nobody cares.

The Titans will defeat Tampa Bay to maintain their 4-1 record against teams with a sub-.500 record, thanks to the Broncos’ five-game winning streak.

In a related story, after Week 12, Tebowing will officially mean “winning ugly,” with the key word being “winning.”

The Redskins will end their six-game losing streak with a win over the Seahawks. Three of Washington’s four wins will be against the NFC West. Mike Shanahan will immediately petition the NFL to allow the Redskins to change divisions.

The Bears will fall to 0-1 without Jay Cutler. Sebastian Janikowski will make good on all six of his field goals to prove that he can carry a team, which isn’t much of a surprise, as he weighs 250 pounds.

Before Pittsburgh’s game against the Chiefs, Ben Roethlisberger will claim that he can beat Kansas City with one hand. This statement will not be smack talk, just facts, as he will be playing with a broken thumb on his throwing hand.

After the game, Chiefs quarterback Tyler Palko will wish he had a broken thumb to blame for his three interceptions.

The Panthers will end their 12-game road-losing streak while extending the Colts’ overall losing streak to 12 games, dating back to last year’s playoffs.

Indianapolis will fire their defensive coordinator and demote their second-string quarterback, going with the argument that their main problems this season will have been quarterback play and defense.

The Colts will be half right, but the way they handle the situation will be all wrong.

The Patriots will dominate the Eagles from start to finish. Giants fans will wonder where the team that beat New England was against Philadelphia.

One day later in New Orleans, Giants fans will wonder where the team was, period.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Post NFL-Week 11 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

After week 11, three teams will be on a five-game winning streak. They will all be from the NFC. Two of them will be in the NFC North. The third will be the 49ers.

The Jets will get Tebowed on Thursday night. Tim Tebow will improve to 4-1 as a starter. The Broncos’ strategy of publicly scouting potential quarterbacks to draft in order to motivate Tebow and the Broncos to keep playing well will continue to pay off.

Revis will get so bored by Tebow that he will allow Tebow to run right by him on the Broncos’ gamewinning drive.

Baltimore will hold off a pesky Bengals team to stay ahead of the Steelers in the AFC North. The Bengals will be 6-2 against all teams not Pittsburgh or Baltimore. Unfortunately for Team Marvin Lewis, they still have games remaining against both teams.

Cleveland will beat Jacksonville in the Ben Folds Five Battle Of Who Could Care Less Bowl.

Jacksonville’s 3-7 record after Week 11 would tie for the worst record in the conference, if it wasn’t for those darn Colts, who are 0-10.

Indianapolis would be 0-11 after Week 11, but luckily for the Colts, the Bye is not recognized as a legitimate opponent by the NFL.

Detroit will tell Carolina, “nyah, nyah, my Number 1 overall pick from an SEC school is better than your Number 1 overall pick from an SEC school.”

The SEC: Where Number 1 overall picks happen.

Warren Sapp and Brett Favre will place a friendly wager on the Green Bay – Tampa Bay game, with the loser forced to text pictures of himself to the winner. Fortunately for Brett, Green Bay will win to improve to 10-0.

Miami will continue to distance itself from its Luck-y day with a dominant win over Buffalo.

Buffalo and Miami will continue to travel in opposite directions, as the Dolphins will win their third-straight while the Bills will lose their third-straight.

Carson Palmer will lead the Raiders to their second non-divisional road win of 2011, which will be two more non-divisional road wins than Oakland got in all of 2010.

Keeping with the history of the relationship between early settlers and Native Americans, the Cowboys will destroy the Redskins’…already slim chances of making the playoffs.

After the game, Redskins quarterback DeAngelo Hall will tell the team to cut him because of his poor play. Seeing this as merely a ploy to get off a sinking ship, Washington will not oblige him.

The 49ers will improve to 9-1, which would be the best record in the NFL, if it weren’t for those darn Packers.

Cardinals fans clamoring for John Skelton to be named the permanent starting quarterback will be reminded why he is the backup.

Completing just 6-of-19 passes for 99 yards and three interceptions will do that to you.

Backup to the backup Richard Bartel will play well in relief, leading Cardinals fans to ask for him to be named the permanent starting quarterback.

If Seattle and St. Louis play each other and a berth to the playoffs is not on the line, will anyone care?

The short answer: no.

The long answer: not one bit.

After Week 10’s 130-yard performance, Titans’ running back Chris Johnson will return to the player he once was.

Johnson will rush for 13 yards on 12 carries in a loss to Atlanta, returning to his early 2011-form when he rushed for 24 yards against Jacksonville, 21 against Denver, 18 against Houston and 34 against Indy.

The good news: Chicago will defeat San Diego.

The bad news: Jay Cutler will suffer a possible season-ending thumb injury in the win.

The good news: Cutler will have more time to spend with Kristin Cavallari.

The bad news: Cutler will have more time to spend with Kristin Cavallari.

Statisticians will successfully jinx the New York Giants with their “Eagles have lost five games after leading in the fourth quarter” and their “Giants have won four after trailing in the fourth quarter.” The Eagles will hold on to one of their fourth-quarter leads to defeat their NFC East opponent and move two games behind Dallas and New York.

Kansas City will score in single digits for the fourth time this season. New England will surpass 30 points for the sixth time this season. This will not be a recipe for victory for the Chefs.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Post NFL-Week 10 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those game

The Eagles’ Dream Team Nightmare season will continue with a late loss to Arizona.

Adding insult to injury, the Cardinals will win with their backup quarterback. 

On the road.

On the plus side, the Eagles’ nightmare will continue to be everyone else’s dream.

The quarterback formerly known as Carson Palmer will finally play like the quarterback formerly known as Carson Palmer while leading the Raiders to a win over San Diego with more touchdowns than interceptions for the first time since last December, when he led the Bengals to a win over the Chargers.

After Week 10, Palmer will have three wins in his past 13 games. Two of them will be against San Diego.

The second-highest rusher for the Raiders will pick up 39 yards on the ground.

He will out-rush the best rusher for the Chargers.

If at all possible, the winless Colts will sink to yet another low in their loss to the Jaguars, benching third-string quarterback Curtis Painter for fourth-string quarterback (and Safety Dance fan) Dan Orlovsky.

Atlanta head coach Mike Smith will channel his inner-Belichick and fail on a fourth down attempt at his own 29 in an overtime loss to the Saints.

Drew Brees will then channel his inner-Peyton and lead his team to victory.

Baltimore will fall to 0-2 in games following wins over the Steelers.

The combined record of the two teams to beat the Ravens after they beat the Steelers will be 8-10.

The Giants will suffer a tough loss to the 49ers, falling to 2-2 against the NFC West. Victor Cruz will be told by Manning after the game, “they’re not saying ‘boo,’ they’re saying ‘Cruuuuz.’”

The Giants’ two wins over NFC West opponents will be more than that of Seattle (one), Arizona (one) and St. Louis (zero). Good thing those teams don’t play in the NFC West.

The 49ers will improve to 8-1 with their win over the Giants. The 49ers will have their best record after nine games since 1997, when they also started 8-1.

That year, they finished tied with Green Bay for the best record in the NFC and the Packers defeated San Francisco in the NFC Championship.

In a related story, the Packers will have no problem dispatching the Vikings to improve to 9-0. More and more wives and girlfriends will start to notice Aaron Rodgers and how “cute” he is.

Thus will begin Rodgers’ trip to becoming disliked by the average fan, a la Jeter and Brady. The model girlfriend is next.

The Dolphins will hand Mike Shanahan’s Redskins their fifth-consecutive loss, the longest losing streak in Shanahan’s coaching career.

Reggie Bush will continue his attempt to get back with Kim Kardashian by rushing for a season-high two touchdowns. Since hearing about Kardashian’s marriage troubles, Bush will have 62 carries for 355 yards (5.7 average) and three touchdowns along with 15 receptions for 82 yards in his past five games.

Most people get drunk and drive by their ex’s house at three in the morning to express their love. Reggie Bush just goes on an impressive offensive streak.

The good news for Houston: it will easily handle the Buccaneers to improve to 7-3, the best record in the AFC.

The bad news for Houston: it will now have to rely on Matt Leinart (he of the 70.8 career quarterback rating) to reach the playoffs for the first time in team history.

After Week 10, Tampa Bay will have given up 163 points in its five losses, compared to 70 in its four wins, proving, once and for all, that teams need to outscore their opponents to win games.

Tim Tebow will complete two passes against the Chiefs. For 69 yards. And the Broncos will win.

Which doesn’t say much for Tebow.

But it really doesn’t say much for the Chiefs.

Shades of Super Bowl XXVII as the Cowboys will romp over the Bills.

Unfortunately, Leon Lett will not be around to make a bone-headed play that will be mocked for eternity.

Fortunately, he made two such plays during his career.

The Rams will score 13 points for the second straight game. Usually not a recipe for success, unless you are facing the Browns, who will muster only 12.

Pittsburgh will hold off those pesky Bengals by a touchdown. Steelers will complain about Andy Dalton’s red hair being a distraction. Bengals will merely point to No. 43 in black and yellow.

The Titans will improve to 4-1 against teams with a record under .500, defeating the Panthers. As an added bonus, Chris Johnson will finally end his hold-out before the game and make a triumphant return with 130 yards on 27 carries and a touchdown.

What’s that you say? He’s been playing the entire season? I don’t believe you.

Chicago’s offense will account for one touchdown and three field goals and its quarterback will complete under 50 percent of his passes, but it won’t matter, as Devin Hester and the Bears’ defense will take care of Detroit.

Matthew Stafford will throw to the Bears four times, including two for touchdowns, giving Stafford a quarterback rating of 158.3.

If only Matthew Stafford played for the Bears.

New England will use its patented “no one expects us to win; everyone is down on us; let’s prove them wrong” plan to perfection, battering the Jets in New Jersey.

One New Jersey team will be 0-2 against the Patriots this season. The other is already 1-0.  You would not believe me if I told you which team was which.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Post NFL-Week 9 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those gam

After waking up from a nightmare after Week 8, Philadelphia’s loss to the Bears will make Eagles’ opponents realize Week 8 was just a bad dream.

On the bright side for the Eagles, LeSean McCoy will take over the top spot in the rushing yards category. Unfortunately for the Eagles, McCoy will cement his status as “first-overall-pick-in-2012-who-will-then-have-a-disappointing-season.”

In a related story, Titans running back Chris Johnson will record his second-highest rushing total this season: 64 yards.

After Week 9, Johnson will rank 34th in the NFL with 45.8 yards per game.

Among the many players ahead of him will be none other than Tim Tebow (46.2 yards per game).

Tebow will rush for a career-best 118 yards in a win over the Raiders while he improves his record as a starting quarterback to 3-3. After the game, he will have six touchdowns against just one interception.

Which is more than what can be said for Carson Palmer, who will throw three interceptions against the Broncos to give him 19 touchdowns and 20 picks in his last 12 games with his teams posting a combined record of 2-10. Somewhere, Hue Jackson is updating his resume.

Andy Dalton will lead the Bengals to a victory over Tennessee, giving Dalton a 6-2 record to start his career. His fellow starting rookie quarterbacks Cam Newton (two wins), Christian Ponder (one win) and Blaine Gabbert (one win) will use their bye week to find just the right shade of red to dye their hair.

After watching LSU and Alabama combine for six points in the first half of their slugfest, the two New Jersey teams decide, anything college football can do, pro football can do better.

The Jets will go into halftime with a 3-0 lead over Buffalo. The Giants and Patriots will finish the first two quarters with nary a point.

Both New Jersey teams will go on to record wins against their AFC East opponents. The Giants will improve to 3-0 against the AFC East. In a flashback to Super Bowl XLIV, Eli Manning will throw a desperation pass to No. 85 who will make a great catch to keep the gamewinning drive alive. A clothing company’s attempt to make money off the win falls flat when nobody buys their “5-3” t-shirts.
In a classic Baltimore-Pittsburgh slugfest, Joe Flacco and Ben Roethlisberger will combine to throw for over 600 yards.

It will be the first time since Dec. 29, 2002 that a quarterback from either team throws for over 300 yards against the other (Jeff Blake, Baltimore), and the first time since before the Ravens became the Ravens that both quarterbacks throw for over 300 yards.

Some will say that this ain’t your daddy’s Baltimore-Pittsburgh slugfest.

Yet somehow, strangely, it is.

Chiefs head coach Todd Haley will decide that his seat is too cold. A beatdown by the previously-winless Dolphins in Kansas City will heat that up nicely.

Both Ben Tate and Arian Foster will go over the century mark in rushing yards in the Texans’ win over Cleveland. Tennessee will wish that its two running backs would at least combine for 100 yards.

DeMarco Murray will officially “Wally Pipp” Felix Jones as the Cowboys will defeat the Seahawks. Fantasy Owners who picked up Murray will take a minute to congratulate themselves.

Ok, we’re back.

The 49ers will defeat the Redskins, which would be much more impressive if Washington wasn’t on a three-game losing streak coming into the contest. Before the game, Mike Shanahan will go to a tanning salon and ask for a “John Boehner.”

Green Bay will hold off San Diego to improve to 8-0, the first Super Bowl winning team to open the next season 8-0 since Denver in 1998. That season, the Broncos’ first loss came at the hands of the New York Giants on Dec. 13. The 2011 Packers will face the Giants on Dec. 4. Somewhere, Kent Graham is warming up.

It will take overtime for 1-6 Arizona to defeat 1-6 St. Louis. Ladies and Gentlemen, the NFC West!

Unfortunately for the Colts, they will lose, again, this time to Atlanta.

Fortunately for the Colts, they will be the only winless team in the NFL.

Unfortunately for the Colts, Luck will have nothing to do with that.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Post NFL-Week 8 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Against the Cowboys, the Eagles will play like the Dream Team Vince Young purported them to be.  After Sunday night, the rest of their opponents will start having nightmares.

Three teams shall enter Week 8 without a victory. Two will remain that way after Week 8. There can be only one…Winless.

Team 1 has good receivers but no one to throw them the ball. Team 2 has no receivers and no quarterback to throw them the ball. Team 3 finally has a receiver but its starting quarterback can’t throw him the ball (because of a high ankle sprain).

If you guessed Team 3, you are correct! Recently traded for receiver Brandon Lloyd will show just how bad the other Rams receivers are by leading St. Louis in receptions, receiving yards and receiving touchdowns in his first game with the team. Backup qb AJ Feeley will pick up his first win since the 2007 season and St. Louis will defeat the Saints to pick up their first victory of the season.

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa will retire immediately after the game, recognizing that helping the Rams to a victory is an achievement he will never be able to surpass.

Rams head coach Steve Spagnuolo will point out to his team that the St. Louis Cardinals were 10.5 games out of a Wild Card spot with five weeks to play and they went on to win the World Series, so being five games back with 10 weeks to play is nothing. His motivational tool successful, Spagnuolo's Rams will go out and surprise the Saints.

Unfortunately for Spagnuolo, Tony Bennett will take down Ian Hunter to maintain his five-game lead over the Rams.

That is to say, the NFC West-leading San Francisco 49ers will improve to 6-1 with a victory over Cleveland. SF will match last year’s wins total with nine games to play.

The Colts (Team 1) will remain winless after getting blown out by Tennessee. The Titans thank their lucky stars they are in the AFC South. Four games against Jacksonville (2-6) and Indy (0-8)?! Sign me up!

The Titans’ Chris Johnson (14 carries, 34 yards) will be outrushed by Javon Ringer (14 carries, 60 yards). Which wouldn’t be a big deal except that Ringer is also a Titan. Ringer is already planning to hold out for 53.5 million next training camp.

Unfortunately for the Giants, they will do what they always do: play poorly after the bye week. Fortunately for New York, its Week 8 opponent is Miami (Team 2), which means that playing poorly just means a close win instead of a blow out. Running back Brandon Jacobs will finally get consistent playing time and prove he belongs…on the sideline.

Tim Tebow will go back to pass but will have to evade the rush after Tim Tebow will miss his block. Tebow will then pass to Tim Tebow, who won't be able to get his hands on the ball and it will be intercepted by the Lions. On the ensuing drive, Tim Tebow will get zero pressure on Detroit quarterback Matthew Stafford and linebacker Tim Tebow will bite on the play fake, leaving cornerback Tim Tebow one-on-one against the best receiver in football, Calvin Johnson, who will beat Tebow for a touchdown.

At least, that is what we will assume after hearing all the blame heaped on Tebow after the Broncos are crushed by Detroit.

The Ravens will come back from a 24-6 halftime deficit to defeat the Cardinals. Before the game, Joe Flacco will be told in no uncertain terms that he was given a shiny new receiver to throw to and if he doesn’t want the new receiver then the team will take that receiver back. Anquan Boldin will then rack up seven receptions for 145 yards, his highest-yards total as a Raven. Flacco will still have to serve in timeout after the game.

Houston will improve to 4-0 against teams with a record under .500 (and 5-3 overall) by defeating the Jaguars. Not coincidentally, the other teams in the Texans’ division will be a combined 6-17 after Week 8. Everyone will circle Nov. 13 and Jan. 1 on their calendars for the matchups between the Jaguars and Colts, who will be a combined 2-14 after Week 8. Indianapolis would be thrilled to finish the season 2-14. Ladies and gentlemen, the AFC South!

Buffalo and Washington will square off in Canada. Despite being within an hour of the Canadian border, the Bills are still American and hence not required by law to be nice. Buffalo will prove to be rude hosts and shut out a Mike Shanahan-coached team for the first time, well, ever.

Carolina’s Cam Newton will fall to 1-1 against other starting rookie quarterbacks as Minnesota’s Christian Ponder will match Donovan McNabb’s win total as a Vikings quarterback.

Meanwhile, Cincinnati’s Andy Dalton will quietly improve to 5-2 as a starter with a win at Seattle. Dalton’s five wins will be more than Newton (two), Ponder (one) and the Jaguars Blaine Gabbert (one) combined.

Since their win over New Orleans in last year’s playoff game they never should have been in let alone hosted, the Seahawks are 2-6. Karma is a powerful force.

Philip Rivers’ late minute struggles will continue as the Chefs will escape with a victory over San Diego. The game will feature eight combined turnovers. Todd Haley will be thankful his beard hides all his colorful language from TV cameras.

The game of the week will feature the Steelers and the Patriots. New England fans will cry foul after Hair Polamalu breaks the rules to help Pittsburgh get a late safety. Pittsburgh fans will merely say, “Spygate says what”?

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Post NFL-Week 7 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

A Pizza Hut commercial starring the football player formerly known as Reggie Bush will include the line, “I can’t believe I’m here with my fantasy football draft pick Reggie Bush.” NFL Fans will add, “I can’t believe anyone was dumb enough to draft Reggie Bush.” NFL Fans’ wives/girlfriends will throw in, “I think he and Kim Kardashian were a cute couple.”

The weakness of this week’s NFL schedule will almost make fans switch over to watch the World Series.


Those fans who do switch over to the World Series will hear the voice of Joe Buck, remember how much they dislike him and switch back to the Seahawks – Browns game, which will keep fans captivated with the classic “will they or won’t they” story line. As in, “will they or won’t they” combine for more than 10 points.

They won’t.

In their game against the Colts, the Saints will also go with the “will they or won’t they” story line, as in “will they or won’t they" post more points in the first quarter alone than 14 teams will in an entire game.

They will.

The Saints will whup Indianapolis so badly that even Steve Spurrier will criticize Sean Payton for running up the score.

John Beck replaces Rex Grossman and will lead the Redskins to a loss against Carolina. Mike Shanahan’s Annual Quarterback Carousel is in full swing!

Christian Ponder will acquit himself well in a loss to the Packers, as he will throw for 219 yards and two touchdowns while keeping the Vikings in the game. Charles Woodson will intercept Ponder twice. Charles Woodson will officially be named Worst Welcome Wagon Ever.

Phillip Rivers will suffer a brain lapse late in the Chargers’ loss to the Jets, throwing the ball out of bounds on fourth down. No confirmation on reports that someone on the Jets' sidelines was heard saying “Confundo” right before Rivers’ errant throw.

The Bears will defeat the Buccaneers in a football game at Wembley Stadium in England. Fans expecting The Beautiful Game will be sorely disappointed, on many levels.

Carson Palmer will make his triumphant return to football, throwing a touchdown pass to Brandon Flowers in the Raiders game against Kansas City.

Unfortunately, Flowers plays for the Chiefs.

After Week 7, Palmer will have thrown 16 touchdowns and 17 interceptions in his last 11 games and his teams will have a combined record of 2-9. The Raiders could end up giving the Bengals two first round draft picks for him. Somewhere, Al Davis still thinks it was a steal.

After Week 7, Tim Tebow detractors will say that he went just 13-of-27 for the game and the Broncos’ offense did nothing for 54:37 minutes.

Tebow supporters will counter with his two touchdown passes, his 85 rushing yards, his successful two-point conversion and, most important, the fact that he led his team to a come-from-behind victory over the Dolphins.

Tebow detractors will scoff and point out that the Dolphins are terrible.

Tebow supporters will agree that the Dolphins are, in fact, terrible.

Afterwards, both groups will go out for scones, because who doesn’t like a nice, warm scone?

Houston will defeat Tennessee to improve to 3-0 against teams with a record of .500 or worse. Unfortunately for the Texans, they are just 1-3 against teams with a record above .500. Fortunately for Houston, they are the only team in their division with a record above .500. Unfortunately for the Texans, they have the worst record of any of the division leaders.

Matt Ryan will play through a tough injury to lead the Falcons to a win over Detroit. After the loss, Atlanta head coach Mike Smith will be very careful while shaking Lions’ head coach Jim Schwartz’s hand. That dude’s got the crazy eyes.

The rematch of Super Bowl XLIII won’t be much of a match, at all, as the Steelers will soundly defeat the Cardinals. Arizona will fall to 1-5 and yet will not be in last place in its division. Thank goodness for St. Louis!

The Dallas Cowboys will ride Tony Romo to victory over the winless Rams. Correction: the Dallas Cowboys will ride Tony Romo’s ability to hand off to DeMarco Murray to victory over the winless Rams.

There will be a rash of back injuries from fantasy owners who keep patting themselves on the back after picking up Murray prior to Week 7.

The Jaguars will prove to the Ravens that in football, just as in cards, four three’s always beats one seven.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Post NFL-Week 6 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

The Packers will remain undefeated.

The Colts will remain defeated.

The Packers are the first Super Bowl winning team since the 2007 Colts to start their next season 6-0. Somewhere, probably in Indiana, Colts fans are remembering those days fondly.

Aaron Rodgers will lead the Packers to 24 points in the first two quarters and then use the second half to practice his acting skills. A source close to Rodgers will divulge that the Green Bay quarterback is hoping to Wally Pipp Peyton Manning out of the commercial business.

Curtis Painter will do everything he can to remain Indianapolis’ backup quarterback in 2012. In a related story, the Colts will lose to the Bengals.

Cincinnati rookie quarterback Andy Dalton will begin his NFL career 4-2. The other two starting rookie quarterbacks will have two wins combined.

The 49ers will defeat the Lions in a battle of surprise teams. Unfortunately, According To Jim will take the spotlight from what will be a great, back-and-forth game. Fortunately, Jim Belushi will not be involved.

For the first time in recorded history, a man will say of another man, “I guess I shook his hand too hard.”

The Steelers will make an easy win over the Jaguars look hard.

The Browns will rush for 65 yards in a loss to the Raiders. After an apparent season-ending injury to Oakland quarterback Jason Campbell, backup Kyle Boller will play so well that the team will mortgage its future for Carson Palmer.

In a loss to the Falcons, Cam Newton will have the worst game of his young NFL career with zero touchdowns, three interceptions and a 44.6 quarterback rating.

Rex Grossman will lead Philadelphia to victory over the Redskins. He will wish he had a 44.6 rating against the Eagles.

Ryan Seacrest is already practicing his opening line for the season’s hot new show: “This……is Redskins Quarterback!”

Going into week 6, the Bears were ranked top five in the NFL in sacks given up and the Vikings were among the league leaders in sacks. So of course, Donovan McNabb will be sacked five times and Jay Cutler will be sacked just once.

The Vikings’ Donovan McNabb era will end with a whimper. Similar to how the Brett Favre era ended. Veteran quarterbacks looking to prolong their NFL careers will make a note to selves: do not sign with the Vikings. Unless they offer money.

The New York Giants will defeat the only team that actually plays in New York, the Buffalo Bills.

The New York Jets will defeat the Dolphins. After the game, Rex Ryan will say, “See? I told you we would win the Super Bowl.”

Rex Ryan isn’t crazy. His mother had him tested.

Ray Rice will out-rush the entire Texans team and Baltimore will beat Houston. The Texans will fall to 3-3 overall, a half-game behind the division leader, the Titans, who are 3-2, marking the worst record for a division leader in the NFL. Ladies and gentlemen, the AFC South!

The Buccaneers will rebound from the shellacking they received from the 49ers and defeat the Saints in a mini-upset. New Orleans head coach Sean Payton will prove that sideline injuries are not just for 84-year old Big Ten coaches.

Tom Brady will prove he’s no Samson by leading the Patriots to victory over the Cowboys despite receiving a haircut before the game.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Post NFL-Week 5 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

The Indianapolis Colts will snatch defeat from the claws of victory.

Two separate leads of 17 points will disappear as the Chefs come back to defeat the PeytonManningless Colts. Matt Cassell and Todd Haley will have apparently kissed and made up. At least for this week.

The Eagles will remain in the media spotlight by losing.

The Bills will remain out of the media spotlight by winning.

Vince Young’s “Dream Team” will be officially renamed “Bad Dream.” The 1992 USA Basketball team will call the 1972 Miami Dolphins to ask how they celebrate when the last undefeated NFL team loses.

The Giants will do what the Giants do best, losing to an inferior team. The Seahawks will do what they do best, winning a game they should never have won.

Victor Cruz’s upcoming book will be called Even More Than Just The Catch. It will be followed by a sequel, Still More Than Just The Catch.

The Seahawks’ Brandon Browner will also write a book, entitled I Got Your Catch Right Here.

Let’s play, The Rookie Game! Three rookies will start for their respective teams in week five. You pick the winner! Rookie A will go 16-of-31 for 224 yards, two touchdowns and one interception. Rookie B will throw for 179 yards along with two touchdowns and one interception on 21-of-33 passing. Rookie C will finish the game 15-of-28 for 221 yards and a touchdown.

Rookie A (Cam Newton) will fall to 1-4 on the season with a loss to the Saints. Rookie C’s (Blaine Gabbert) will also fall to 1-4 after a loss to Rookie B, our winner, Andy Dalton!

In a related story, Dalton’s Cincinnati Bengals will pick up their third win of the season, one more than the other two rookie starting qbs’ wins combined. Somewhere, Carson Palmer is thinking, “I did NOT see this coming.”

New Orleans’ Drew Brees appreciates what Cam Newton had to say about him. Brees will also appreciate the fact that the Panthers defense will allow him to throw for 359 yards and two touchdowns in the Saints’ victory.

After giving up an average of 3.5 sacks per game in their first four contests, the Steelers sign former Steeler offensive lineman Max Starks prior to game five. The result: only one sack by the Titans as Ben Roethlisberger eclipses his season total of touchdown passes (three) with five against Tennessee.

Tebow Time will start in Denver with a roar against the Chargers. Well, not a roar, as the Broncos will lose, but not a whimper either.

Tebow Time will start in Denver with an inquisitive growl.

Broncos fans will be thrilled to find out that Tebow is now their starting quarterback. At least for this week. And probably next week too, as Denver has a bye.

Both the 49ers and Lions will prove their mettle by defeating solid teams in the Buccaneers and the Bears.

After week five, two teams will have scored 48 points in one game. If you had heard prior to the season that those teams would be Detroit and San Francisco, you would have said, “1995 called, it wants its Lions and 49ers back.”

You would have made that joke because you were aware that in 1995, the Lions were first in yards and second in points and the 49ers were first in points and second in yards.

Green Bay will become the first Super Bowl winning team to open its next season 5-0 since the 2007 Colts.
The Packers will also improve to 2-0 in their last two games at Atlanta, including last year’s playoffs. Green Bay will join New Orleans as the only two teams to pin two losses against Matt Ryan at home. This will not stop sports gabbers from bringing up Ryan’s home record every chance they get.

Prior to their game against Arizona, the Vikings will look at their 0-4 record and say, “if only we had a running back who could lead us to victory over the Cardinals by setting season-highs in carries (29), yards (122) and touchdowns (three).” If only, indeed.

BenJarvis Green-Ellis, not Tom Brady, will lead the Patriots to a win over the visiting Jets. After the game, NYJ will rank 26th in the NFL in rushing defense. If it’s any consolation to their fans, the Jets will be 28th in total yards per game after week five.

Al Davis is not quite the Gipper, but the Raiders will win one for him anyway. All of his recent iffy draft picks and free-agent signings will suddenly be looked upon as genius. At least for this week.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Post-NFL Week 4 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

After Week 4, only two teams will be undefeated. They will each have a young quarterback, a solid receiving corps and a hard-hitting, fast and opportunistic defense. One of them will be the defending Super Bowl Champions. The other will be the Lions. That sound you will hear will be so quiet you will be able to hear a pin drop.

The Bills’ win over the Patriots and the fact that a game with the Eagles is looming means Buffalo will fall to the Bengals in a classic trap game. The victory for Cincinnati means that Andy Dalton begins his NFL career 2-2. Raise your hand if you thought Dalton would have the best record of any of the rookie starting quarterbacks. Put your hand down, Andy.

Two NFC East teams will separate themselves from the rest of the division. They will not be the Eagles or the Cowboys.

After Week 4, America’s Dream Team will be a combined 3-5

Tony Romo detractors will finally get off the schneid.

Tony Romo fans will remember the good times when Romo fought through injury to lead his team to victory. Romo detractors refer to that two-week stretch as: “the dark days.”

The 49ers will be in first-place in the NFC West with a 3-1 record after Week 4. They will be the only team in their division to have scored more points than they have given up. Jim Harbaugh will have to think for a minute when asked the question, “which is tougher, the Pac-12 or the NFC West”?

The Cowboys will hold a 24-point lead and lose. The Eagles will hold a 20-point lead and lose. The Jacksonville Jaguars and St. Louis Rams will still be waiting to score 20 points in a game.

After Week 4, the Jaguars will be last in the NFL in scoring, averaging 9.8 points per game. After Week 4, the Jaguars will have the same record as the Philadelphia Eagles.

The Eagles’ decision to make Michael Vick the starter and trade Kevin Kolb to the Cardinals will turn out to be a win for both teams. Literally. After four games, each team will have a win.

Against New Orleans, Jacksonville rookie quarterback Blaine Gabbert will finish with a 51.3 quarterback rating. Unfortunately, the Jaguars will trail St. Louis, Minnesota, Miami and Indianapolis in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. Fortunately for Gabbert, even if the Jaguars get the No. 1 overall pick in next year’s NFL Draft, they probably won’t take Luck. Probably.

The Jets and Ravens will prove the best offense is a good defense.

The defenses of the Jets and Ravens will combine to outscore their combined offenses, 35-13.

Correction: the Jets and Ravens will prove that their best offense IS their defense.

Joe Flacco and Mark Sanchez will combine to go 21-for-66 for 282 yards and two interceptions and four fumbles lost. For the first time in recorded history, the words, “try to play more like Trent Dilfer” will be uttered.

The quarterback formerly known as Matt Cassell will lead the Chiefs to a victory over the Vikings.

Donovan McNabb will play well enough to keep his job, but poorly enough to keep Minnesota winless.

After watching the game, former filmmaker Spike Lee will decide to make a movie based on Kansas City’s head coach, entitled: Todd Haley: Makin’ Friends.

The Falcons will lead by 20-points and hold on to defeat the Seahawks. Seattle fans will take heart that Tavaris Jackson can play well enough for his team to lose only by two.

Arian Foster will return from a hamstring injury to rush for 155 yards and one touchdown as Houston will defeat Pittsburgh. That sound you will hear after the game is millions of fantasy football owners dropping Texans’ backup running back Ben Tate.

The Packers will become the first team since the 2007 Giants to start the next season 4-0 after winning the Super Bowl. Aaron Rodgers’ performance will spark multiple “who is the best quarterback in the NFL today” arguments around the water coolers on Monday. Kyle Orton’s performance…yawn…I’m sorry, what were we talking about?

After getting sacked 13 times in the first three games, Jay Cutler will wise up and ask his former ex Kristin Cavallari for her advice. She recommends that he hand off to that Forte guy. The result will be a career day for Forte and a win for the Bears.

The Miami Dolphins will lose to the Chargers to fall to 0-4. Head coach Tony Sparano still believes his team has a chance to win the AFC East. After an investigation, it is proven that his glasses are not, in fact, “Dolphins-colored.” They’re just prescription.

The Patriots will defeat the Raiders in the Black Hole. The “eff-you” mentality will be key in New England’s dominant victory. That, and two Jason Campbell interceptions.

Patriots’ defensive lineman Vince Wilfork will pick off his second pass of the season. Chris Berman will be able to rest easy, knowing that he has his “rumbling, bumbling, stumbling” highlight. Now, if only he can throw in a “back, back, back, back, gone!” somewhere...

Curtis Painter will have his best game as an NFL quarterback in the Colts’ loss to the Buccaneers. Painter’s performance will not make Indy fans forget about Peyton Manning. Or Andrew Luck. But his performance will make Indy fans forget about that Kerry guy.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Post-NFL Week 3 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Week three will be all about ending streaks. The Bills will end 15-game losing streak against the Patriots. The Lions will end a 13-game losing streak at the Metrodome. The Giants will end a six-game losing streak against the Eagles. The Raiders will end a five-game losing streak to non-division opponents. The Buccaneers will end a five-game losing streak to the Falcons. The Gramatica brothers will be relevant for the first time in five years.

Unconfirmed reports say Bill tore his ACL while celebrating the news that he and his brother were cast in a Bud Light commercial.

Two quarterbacks, a sixth-round draft choice and a seventh-round draft choice, will go toe-to-toe as the Bills will come from behind to defeat the Patriots. Somewhere, former No. 1 overall pick JaMarcus Russell is studying hard to get his degree.

Seriously, JaMarcus Russell returned to LSU to get his degree.

Mel Kiper Jr. still thinks that JaMarcus Russell will be the next John Elway. Todd McShay continues to be in awe of JaMarcus Russell. Al Davis doesn’t know who JaMarcus Russell is.

In Kiper Jr. and McShay’s defense, most NFL teams aren’t much smarter. In Davis’ defense, he’s Al Davis.

Late in the second half of its loss to Detroit, Minnesota will offer further proof that chicks do indeed dig the Longwell.

However, chicks will not dig the fact that with the game on the line, Minnesota’s coaching staff will choose to leave one defender covering the best receiver in the NFL, Calvin Johnson.

Wide receiver Steve Smith’s return will pay immediate dividends. Not for the Eagles, but for the Giants, who will go on to defeat Vince Young’s Dream Team in Philly.

The Giants’ coaching staff will design a defense for Michael Vick and the Eagles based on Tom Coughlin’s favorite song, which as everyone knows, is Hit ‘Em High by B Real, Coolio, Busta Rhymes and Method Man.

“If you can hit ‘em high, hit ‘em high, hit ‘em high. If you can hit ‘em low, hit ‘em low, hit ‘em low.”

After using the chorus as a mantra leading up to the Eagles game, the song will remain in the Giants’ heads for at least a week. Maybe two. It’s damn catchy.

The Ravens will score 21 points in the first quarter in a blowout victory over the Rams. At 0-3, the Rams are still in playoff contention. Ladies and gentlemen, the NFC West!

The Texans will come thisclose to beating the Saints in New Orleans. The defenses for each team will come thisclose to making any kind of impact on the game.

The Packers will become the first Super Bowl winner to start the next season 3-0 since the 2007 Giants. Greg Jennings’ twitter feed will blow up with fans asking him not to shoot himself in the foot, literally or figuratively.

In a game that has zero playoff implications whatsoever, the Panthers will defeat the Jaguars.

In a game that has playoff implications only because it’s the NFC West, the Seahawks will defeat the Cardinals.

The Bengals and the 49ers will do their best baseball impersonation. Just like their MLB counterparts, neither team will reach the playoffs. Also like their MLB counterparts, neither team will do much of anything offensively.

The Colts will play well enough to lose to the Steelers.

The performances of Curtis Painter and Kerry Collins will cause everyone watching the game to say, “I could throw better than that.” And they would be correct.

The Titans will defeat the Broncos in Tennessee. In a game featuring running back Chris Johnson, Denver’s Willis McGahee will be the game’s leading rusher with 52 yards. Fantasy owners will joke that they should have picked McGahee with the No. 1 overall pick. Although right now, Chris Johnson owners would be stoked to have McGahee’s numbers (54 carries, 156 yards, 2.9 average, one touchdown).

Those numbers don’t speak well for Willis McGahee. But they really don’t speak well for Chris Johnson.

Ryan Mathews has a career day to lead the Chargers to a win over the GreatJobButWhoAreTheChefs. Mathews’ 2010 fantasy owners will wonder where that production was last season. Mathews’ 2010 fantasy owners are still not bitter.

Tony Romo will put in another gutty performance to lead the Cowboys to victory. Romo’s disappointed detractors will ask him to go to Mexico on his bye week so they can criticize him again.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Post-NFL Week 2 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Week 2
Kristin Cavallari is hired by the Saints as a defensive consultant; the result is six sacks for New Orleans on Jay Cutler. Her need to get back at her ex sated, Cavallari pulls a Costanza and retires from the NFL.

Jennifer Lopez debuts her new commercial, I mean song, and millions of NFL fans say: “wait, isn’t that the lady who used to date Marc Anthony?”

Apparently, NFL fans are also fans Hawthorne, Man On Fire and Big Night.

Raiders and Bills will end up as the most fun game of the day. You heard it here first.

Cam Newton and the Panthers will lose on the same weekend as the Auburn Tigers. This is not a coincidence. It’s karma.

The Jets will put a whupping on Jacksonville. The Blaine Gabbert era will begin. The Luke McKown era will go down as the shortest era, ever. Somewhere next to a telephone, David Garrard is laughing.

Donovan McNabb will return to his 2002 form. In 2002, McNabb went 26-of-49 for 243 yards as Tampa Bay won the NFC Championship, 27-10. In 2011, McNabb will also lead his team to a loss to the Bucs.

The Colts will fall to 0-2.

The Patriots will again run just enough to set up the passing attack, which will actually include Chad Ochocinco. As he is no longer missing in action, he decides after the game not to rename himself Chuck Norris.

The Rams and Giants will play their game despite missing a combined 67 players to injury.

Despite the Giants’ win over the Rams, New York fans will chant the name of everyone’s favorite backup, Tim Tebow.

With the Ravens coming up in Week 3, the Rams will be forced to endure a week of hearing about the percentage chance 0-3 teams have at making the playoffs and the list of 0-3 teams that bounced back to make the playoffs.

Tom Coughlin’s challenge percentage and streak will move into Ted Williams and Joe DiMaggio territory. Someone on Monday Night Football will go with the overused and unfunny “Tom Coughlin is old but he understands technology” joke.

Teams that were thinking about hiring Todd Haley as offensive coordinator after the season decide to go a different direction after the Chiefs’ offense is shutdown by the Lions.

Detroit fans across the world will break out the team jerseys that have been hidden in their closets the last 10 years.

The Jets, Bills and Patriots are a combined 6-0. The Miami Dolphins are 0-2. One of these teams is not like the others.

The Dolphins are looking into realignment with the BIG EAST, as they feel that would give them a better chance to get into a BCS Bowl. The BIG EAST is excited that Miami is coming back to the fold, until they find out it’s the Dolphins and not the Hurricanes.

After two games, the 2010 NFC Playoff teams will be a combined 6-6. Not to be outdone, the 2010 AFC Playoff teams will also be a combined 6-6.

Denver will rebound and beat Cincinnati, but Bengals fans will feel better about their team’s future than Broncos fans.

A former Rutgers player will be the best player on the field in the Titans – Ravens matchup. But it won’t be Ray Rice. Or Jason McCourty. You were thinking it was going to be Jason McCourty, weren’t you.

Matt Ryan will improve to 21-2 at home in the regular season. Green Bay Packers fans prefer the other side of that statistic, which is that Matt Ryan is 0-1 at home in the playoffs.

Dallas Cowboys receiver Jesse Holley will make a key play down the stretch and then spend 20 minutes with his arms raised to the sky, breaking Michael Irvin’s record of 18 minutes.

Tony Romo will prove his haters wrong by playing through an injury. Tony Romo’s haters will then criticize him for jeopardizing his career by playing through injury.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Post-NFL Week 1 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games.

Week 1

Kyle Orton will do enough to keep his starting job with Denver, but not enough to quiet the people who would rather see his high-profile backup taking the snaps.

I’m referring, of course, to Brady Quinn.

Cam Newton will show people why he was the Heisman Trophy winner and the No. 1 overall pick. He will also remind people that he is still a rookie.

No matter who wins the Jets-Cowboys game, the winning team’s fans will read too much into the victory and the losing team’s fans will not read enough into the loss.

Tony Romo will again prove that he is not, as of yet, an elite quarterback.

The anti-Eli Manning calls will get a wee bit louder.

Since the NFL instituted the Thursday Night Season Opener in 2002, only twice have both teams in the contest reached the playoffs (2002 and 2004). On three occasions neither squad made the playoffs (2003, 2006 and 2009). Four times saw just one team reach the playoffs. Last season the Vikings fell to New Orleans in the Thursday Night Season Opener and finished 6-10. This year’s Thursday Night Season Opener will be close; the loser will not reach the playoffs.

Thursday Night Openers
2010: NO 14 – Min 9 (NO made playoffs)
2009: Pit 13 – Ten 10 (neither made playoffs)
2008: NYG 16 – Was 7 (NYG made playoffs)
2007: Ind 41 – NO 10 (Ind made playoffs)
2006: Pit 28 – Mia 17 (neither made playoffs)
2005: NE 30 – Oak 20 (NE made playoffs)
2004: NE 27 – Ind 24 (both made playoffs)
2003: Was 16 – NYJ 13 (neither made playoffs)
2002: SF 16 – NYG 13 (both made playoffs)

The Bears will remind people that they, in fact, won the NFC North last season, and it is theirs until it is taken from their cold, dead hands.

The Detroit Lions will defeat Tampa Bay in the battle of: team that will come close to a playoff berth but ultimately fall short (previously known as the Houston Texans).

The Texans are in more of a desperation mode than the Peyton-less Colts. Their game against Indianapolis is a must-win game for Houston, which will rise to the occasion to keep Coach Kubiak off the hot seat, at least for now.

Cleveland and Cincinnati will still play their game, even though nobody outside of Ohio cares.

Michael Vick and the Eagles won’t be perfect but they will beat the Rams. St. Louis will show that it’s not quite ready to play with the big boys.

Jim Harbaugh will again lead an upset over Pete Carroll’s team. Ted Ginn Jr. will electrify with his return abilities. Ted Ginn Jr. won’t see the light of day as a wide receiver.

Baltimore will open up its offense against Pittsburgh. The game will feature an NFL-record 20 first-quarter fights.

Tom Brady and the Patriots will do most of their damage against the Dolphins through the air, with enough running to keep Miami’s defense honest. But the Patriots’ defense will make Chad Henne look like a Pro Bowl quarterback to the point where during Broncos-Raiders, Denver fans will start chanting Henne’s name.

The Chiefs will provide evidence that last season was a one-hit wonder.

The Raiders will continue to be dysfunctional, undisciplined, wild and kind of fun to watch. They are the guilty pleasure of the NFL.

Donovan McNabb will make Minnesota fans miss the days of Tavaris Jackson.

Tavaris Jackson will make Seattle fans miss the days of Matt Hasselbeck

Matt Hasselbeck will make Tennessee fans miss the days of Kerry Collins.

Kerry Collins will, well, you know.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Lions and Cards and Bills, Oh My!

I like the NFL commercial where the Detroit Lions fan keeps purchasing items for his daughter with his Lions credit card so that he can win Lions-related prizes. I imagine his face when he gets his credit card bill and realizes the full ramifications of his stupidity.

Then I imagine his wife walks in. Seeing her husband's ashen face, she asks him, "What happened? Did the Lions use a first-round pick to get Terrell Pryor in the supplemental draft?" Wordlessly, he hands her the ridiculously-large bill. She takes one look at it, looks at her husband, looks again at the bill, then faints.

Flash forward two weeks later, the husband is in the house alone, wearing a Charles Rogers No. 80 jersey, the home is completely cleaned out as his wife has divorced him, and all he has left is the memory of being on Ford Field prior to a Lions game.

Who says the NFL stands for No Fun League? Not me!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Walk This Way

I have a confession to make.

No one ever expects something like this to happen to them, but when it does, we tend to make excuses. The usual suspects are: I wasn’t loved enough; they don’t understand me; they don’t listen to me; they don’t give me what I need. But all of these excuses are just that: excuses.

The truth is, I am loved plenty. I am given everything I need and want. I couldn’t ask for a better friend. This is my best friend, who gives me all the attention I need, who never criticizes me or points out my shortcomings, who is always ready to play and who goes out of the way to make me feel better when I am down in the dumps. But I betrayed that friendship.

I took another dog for a walk.


The first time, I tried to tell myself that, "this is no big deal. We're just friends. This is what friends do." But the second time all I felt was guilt. I knew I was doing the wrong thing. But we were together, he was looking at me with those eyes, a leash was hanging on the wall next to me…sure, I used protection and brought a plastic bag, but I still knew I was cheating. I tried to rationalize that my dog doesn’t let me take him for walks, but that’s just a lie and I knew it. I tried to get the smell off me, but my dog knew. I could tell. He sniffed and sniffed me and I knew he smelled the other dog.

To his credit, he didn’t say anything. He pretends that it doesn’t bother him; that it was no big deal. But I know better. And I feel awful.

I wish I could go back and erase what I did but I know that’s impossible. So now we go on our walks and we play tug-of-war and we maintain this dance of “let’s see who can ignore the elephant in the room the longest,” even though both of us know the elephant is actually a 120-pound lab named Harley.

I think the worst part about this is that now I fantasize about walking them together.

What is wrong with me?!

Friday, August 12, 2011

OPO (Other People's Opinions)

I am a bleeding heart liberal. I have never tried to hide my political beliefs; I would say that many people feel that I am too open with my opinions. Even in disagreement, I try to see the other side's point of view. In arguments, I attempt to keep an open mind and remember that although the other person's opinion differs from mine, it doesn't make said other person any less intelligent.

But after seeing reaction to recent events, I have to wonder if people haven't lost their minds. I know I am supposed to keep an open mind and not judge others for their opinions, but in this situation I just can't. When it comes to this hot topic, there is one - and only one - right answer. The fact that other people don't see it the way I do makes me nervous for the future of our country.

But facts are facts. And the fact is, Sarah Palin is hotter than Michelle Bachmann.

It's not even close. It's not even up for debate. The idea that people feel otherwise shows how bad of a shape our country is in. Not only are we obese, racist, prejudiced and stupid; we're also blind.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I Expose Obama's Nefarious Plan (To Win Re-Election)

President Barack Obama is one crafty SOB.

Not many people are aware of this, but the president has already started his re-election campaign. Many pundits are claiming that his chances of winning in 2012 are bleak because of recent decisions he has made (or not made). These so called “pundits” are more “pun” than “dits,” because the joke is on them. Mr. Obama is not only setting himself up to remain in office, he is also planting the seeds for Democrats to take back the House of Representatives and increase their hold on the Senate. He is doing this under the auspices of “making mistakes” or “giving in to Republican/Tea Party wishes.” But these are carefully crafted strategies that Mr. Obama has put together that will ensure his re-election in 2012. President Barack Obama is indeed one crafty SOB.

During Obama’s three major policy creations, commentators, politicians and voters have criticized the President for not doing enough. Their argument was that he gave too much to the Republicans. He changed his mind to appease those in the middle, the so-called “independents.” He wanted too much bipartisanship. Instead of being a leader and just telling people what to do and how to do it, Obama brought in different opinions and tried to put together policies that truly fit America and its melting pot of people. Apparently, many were upset that he wanted to be President and not Dictator. Republicans, on the other hand, were gleeful that they were foiling Obama’s plan of making the country better.

But what the Republicans did not know is that they were playing right into Obama’s hands. Each time he came up against a Republican roadblock while creating policy, Obama gave a little (a lot) and got back a lot (a little). He was roundly criticized for his unwillingness to make a stand and fight harder for what he wanted. But this was all a part of his nefarious plan to remain in office. Obama gave up on the public option on his health care plan because he would rather have some form of universal health care coverage than none at all. He extended Bush’s tax cuts for two years to make sure that unemployment benefits continued. He again allowed Bush’s tax cuts to stay in place while giving in to Republican (Tea Party) demands that the government cut back on spending in order to raise the debt ceiling.

Each one of these situations has a common theme. Obama has policies he wants to put into place that he feels will make the country better. Republicans fight him on these policies, using key moments to make their stand (unemployment benefits in 2010 and debt ceiling in 2011, to name two). Obama is put between a rock and a hard place and decides to back down on his wishes so that the country survives. Pundits left and right cry out that he is weak and that he is not a leader.

But Obama knows better. He is setting up his campaign strategy to be one of, “I stood in the way of terrible Republican policies and made sure that America kept running. I tried to work with Republicans but they would not work with me. Republicans put their own interests ahead of the country, but not me.” His actions could move Democrats ahead of Republicans on the “we are trying to make America better” pedestal. Obama is taking the hits now because he is willing to sacrifice a small amount of pain to stay in office and put his fellow Democrats back in power.

In a rare moment of honesty from a politician, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell once said that “The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president.” So how can Republicans stop Obama’s dastardly plan to win re-election? Simply put, they must allow Obama to make all the policy changes he wants. Bush’s tax cuts? Gone. Public option health care? Signed, sealed and delivered. Republicans feel that Obama’s policies will ruin America; what better way to get him out of office than to let him shoot himself in the foot?

So you see, Obama’s re-election strategy is win-win. Either he uses Republican’s unwillingness to work with him as a way to get them out of office, or they let all is policies come to fruition as a way to show the American public that Obama is not good for America.

To paraphrase Messrs. Mike D, MCA and Ad-Rock, Obama’s crafty, and he’s just my type.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Racism To The Top

John Galliano said he doesn't remember ever praising Hitler or saying "people like you (Jewish) would be dead," because he says he was drunk and drugged up beyond belief.

Galliano's defense of "it wasn't me, it was the drugs" reminds me of Dr. Richard Kimball's defense of "it wasn't me, it was the one-armed man," in that both are fictional.

His defense does shed light onto how far have we have come as a world when dealing with race issues. The way I look at it, nothing says progress more than the fact that Galliano would rather be perceived as an alcoholic, junkie degenerate than a racist.

Fifty years ago, he would have been an alcoholic, junkie degenerate AND a racist, and he would not mind at all that people perceived him that way. Now he wants us all to believe that he is absolutely NOT a racist, he just can't stay away from drugs or alcohol. In his mind, it is more socially acceptable to be an alcoholic junkie than a racist.

Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

His other reason for why he is not racist is that he is gay, so he "knows how it feels to be discriminated against." That is probably true, but being discriminated against does not stop people from discriminating against others. In fact, being discriminated against may actually lead people to discriminating against others. Like the child who was abused growing up to abuse his/her own kids.

I am reminded of an experience that I had in third grade. I was going to a new school in a new neighborhood, so I was understandably nervous. I didn't know anyone, no one knew me. I walked into class, looked around nervously, and a girl, let's call her Sally, said: “You can sit here next to me.”

It was incredibly nice of her. She certainly did not have to do that, but she welcomed me with open arms and made me feel like I wasn't the new kid. I repaid her kindness by doing the exact opposite to her.

See, I came to find out later that Sally was not one of the cool kids; she was one of the kids the cool kids picked on. I was also one of the kids the cool kids picked on. So when the cool kids made fun of her while I was with them, I of course joined in and teased her with the others. It didn't matter that they teased me as well. I wanted to make them think I was like them, not like her.

I believe my experience can be applied to groups as well. There is always a group that is discriminated against. In America, first it was the Native Americans, then African Americans (who face bigotry even today), then the Jews (ditto), then Irish, Italians and Polish, then Asians, now Muslims and Gays.

Just as I joined the cool kids in teasing Sally, so will discriminated groups discriminate against other discriminated groups.

I know a lot about this subject, because I am a member of the most discriminated group, the White American Males. We are the most discriminated group, in that we are not discriminated against. Which isn't fair at all - we deserve to be discriminated against just like everyone else!

But no, it's always about the blacks and the Jews, the two finalists in: "Who's Been Discriminated Against The Longest," (coming this Fall on FOX). Yet for some reason, many black people don't like Jewish people. Many Irish, Italians and Polish don't seem to like Jews either. And don't even get me started on how they feel about the Gays.

OK, you got me started.

I remember watching an episode of The Daily Show where they showed a clip of a black woman saying that she didn't think gays should have the right to get married, and she is certainly not alone in that thought. There are Irish, Italians, Polish and even Muslims who feel that way. Why would these groups, who themselves were discriminated against, who were told that they weren't good enough, who were not even treated like normal people, then turn around and treat others the way they were treated?

I guess they were doing to others what was done to them.

We have come a long way, though we have a long way to go. If any silver lining comes from Galliano's situation, it's that he does not want to be perceived as a racist. The baby steps we are taking as a nation and a world have brought us to a point where being a racist is thought to be worse than being an alcoholic junkie.

See? Progress!