Thursday, February 24, 2011

Even More Museful Thoughtings

Gadhafi blames Bin Laden for the revolution in Libya. I'll be honest, I never figured that when he kept talking about "foreign intelligence services," he was actually referring to al Qaeda. Does he think that somehow America will be on his side now? Like we're going go with the "enemy of my enemy is my friend" philosophy?
Ahmadinejad says Egyptians and Libyans are right to throw off their oppressors. He apparently doesn't feel the same way for Iranians. Does he think that we don't know he's oppressing is own people? Maybe he thinks we listen to what he says but don't know anything about what he does. I wonder if he's even heard of the internet.

I think the problem with both these guys are their yes-men. Although I'm not quite sure what other answer Gadhafi or Ahmadinejad would accept that would allow the yes-men to remain alive.

With all the craziness going on this week, unrest in the Midwest, lack of peace in the Middle East, NBA trades up the yin-yang, it's easy to confuse stories. For example, Libya just sent Gadhafi, a 2011 protected first round pick and 1 mil in cash to Iran for Ahmadinejad and the Tea Party traded Palin, Bachmann, Glenn Beck, two first-rounders and cash to the Republicans for Huckabee.

Wait, what are we talking about again?

For non-celebrities, such as myself, if someone follows us on twitter, are we required to follow them back? If it's not required, is it considered poor form not to follow them? If you do not follow someone who follows you, how long do they need follow you before dropping you because you were the jerk who didn't follow them back?

So far I have had three celebrities, well one celebrity and two Sports Illustrated writers, but for the purposes of this blog I will refer to them as celebrities, respond to my tweets. So I got that going for me. Which is nice. One thing I notice about twitter, celebrities are just as funny as the rest of us, in that more often than not they aren't really funny.

Which is kind of funny.

According to, one of the definitions of Factoid is: "something fictitious or unsubstantiated that is presented as fact, devised especially to gain publicity and accepted because of constant repetition."

What that means is that the word Factoid is itself a Factoid.

Which is also funny.

I should be a celebrity - I think I have just a high a percentage of funny to unfunny posts as anyone famous.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Douche And Doucher

After watching part of LeBron's "Decision," I thought to myself, "man that is just about the douchiest thing that any player could do. He just broke up with his girlfriend of seven years, Cleveland, on national television. Nothing could ever top this monstrosity of douchiness."

Famous last words on my part, because we have a new Douche Challenger: Carmelo Anthony!!

Carmelo's wife, LaLa Vasquez, the former MTV veejay, allegedly wanted to move to LA or New York so that she could further her career. So Carmelo asked for a trade. I didn't agree with his request at the time - he was on a good team that just two years prior was in the Western Conference Finals. I can't think of any other reason why Carmelo would want to leave the Nuggets, so I'm going to go on the assumption that it was because of his wife. Which I think is ridiculous. I would never make a career move like that because of LaLa Vasquez. Mostly because my wife won't let me.

But Carmelo only wanted to go to only to teams in LA or New York. Which began a nine-month ordeal where Carmelo went through the motions during games, the team was in limbo, other players were involved in trade talk, until finally he got his wish and was sent to the Knicks.

So let's go to the tape.

LeBron's "Decision" was an awful stab in the back to Cleveland, a city that has faced its fair share of suffering. There is a certain art to leaving a team, and he basically decided to go modern and throw feces on canvas. Douchy? Undoubtedly.

Carmelo told the team to trade him but then tied their hands in terms of where they could trade him. Obviously they wanted to get fair market value for him, but there were only four teams in the markets Carmelo wanted to go to, and really only one team that he actually wanted to play for. He eventually got his wish after dragging Denver around, even at one point saying that he might sign an extension with the Nuggets. This ranks very high on the Douche meter.

The Douchey Winner? I'm going to have to go with...Carmelo! LeBron's "Decision," as douchey as it was, lasted one hour. Carmelo's jaunt down "trade-me alley" took nine months. Congratulations to the new Douche in town!

Now some may think that my vitriol towards LeBron/Carmelo has to do with their leaving their original team. Not so. I have no problem with either one of them going to a new team, for whatever reasons. My issue is that they aren't being honest with us.

Carmelo, every true man understands completely that when your wife wants something, you do your best to get it for her. Why not come out and say "listen, my wife wants to have an acting career, and to do that we need to be in either LA or New York." Sure, we'll all mock you derisively for doing whatever your wife tells you to, but that's only because it makes us feel better about our own lots in life - look at the big and powerful NBA star, doing what his wife tells him to do, just like I do what my wife tells me to do!

LeBron, everyone who has ever played a pickup game or has friends certainly understands why you would want to play with your good buddies Wade and Bosh. And certainly no one is disputing that Miami is more fun than Cleveland. So why not come out and say "hey, I've wanted to play with Wade and Bosh since the Olympics, we are all in the prime of our careers, I think we can compete for championships and have fun while doing it." Sure Cleveland will be angry with you, but you wouldn't have faced the backlash that you received from the rest of the NBA-loving world.

I guess what I'm saying is, just be honest with us. Tell us the real reason you're leaving. Don't jerk us around, tell us one thing and then the opposite thing the next day. We're not stupid, we're fans. Sports is a microcosm of life, and we see ourselves in some of the things athletes do. There's nothing wrong with being a regular guy and giving in to your wife's wishes. We all get wanting to play with your buddies in Miami. Just be straight with us.

Then perhaps I'll take you both out of the running for Douche Champion.

That is, until you demand your next trade.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

How Do You Like Them Apples? Seriously, Eat An Apple.

Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter have all taken shots at Michelle Obama lately. For breast feeding and food. Which makes me wonder which one of the four has a breast complex and which ones have an eating complex. You would think it would be easy to figure that out, but the answers may surprise you. And me. Actually I don't think I want to figure it out.

Michelle Obama has an initiative to try and get Americans to eat better. A noble cause, by anyone's estimation. But conservatives and right-wing pundits have decided that what Mrs. Obama is really trying to do is take over the country. She wants to tell everyone how to live their lives, how to raise their kids, she is going to make laws that dictate what we eat and how much we eat and who is she to tell us how to live our lives anyway.

That monster, how dare she.

The only problem is, that's not Michelle Obama's goal at all. Her goal is merely to get us to eat better, exercise more, get healthier. We get healthier, we cut down on hospital visits, we cut down on medical bills, we all save money.

But conservatives don't want us to believe that. They want us to believe that the president and his wife are trying to take over America. They like to deal in fear, giving the most ignorant among us their thoughts and opinions as though they were actual facts. They want people to believe that Michelle Obama is trying to tell them how to live their lives. All she wants is for people to lead healthy, happy lives.

Rush Limbaugh recently made it a point of saying that Mrs. Obama is not practicing what she preaches because she had ribs for dinner once. The fact that Limbaugh, who I think it is safe to say is four times the size of Mrs. Obama, is criticizing her eating habits is funny by itself. It shows that he really has no idea how to diet (if you couldn't tell that already by looking at him). Michelle Obama does not want people to cut out of their diet foods that aren't good for them. She has even said that ice cream is delicious and she doesn't want to give it up. All she is saying is that instead of seven straight days of McDonalds, break it up with a salad. She is saying let's teach our kids now how to maintain healthy, balanced diets. Enjoy the occasional ice cream, but don't make it a daily habit. Go to McDonald's or Burger King every once in a while, but make sure it's not an every day occurrence.

And to the Palins, Bachmanns, Coulters: what do you have against eating healthy? Note: Limbaugh was left out of that question for obvious reasons. Other than him, the other three are fairly thin. Are they all mad that they didn't have this idea first? Whatever the case, I really hope that people see these ridiculous comments for what they really are - ridiculous comments with no foundation in fact.

Chew on that, America.

Friday, February 18, 2011

The Return Of Museful Thoughtings

The other day for no reason at all I was thinking about the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. I remembered how Goldilocks thought one porridge was too hot, the other too cold, two of the chairs were too big, one bed was too hard and one bed was too soft. Then it occurred to me that Goldilocks was a real pain in the ass.

Can you imagine dating Goldilocks? Nothing you do would ever be good enough. Your Valentine's Day plans would either be not romantic enough or way too sappy. You would either not make decisions enough or you would always get your own way. You don't listen to her or you never talk to her.

That sounds suspiciously like most women. I guess we're all dating Goldilocks. I wonder which bear I am.

Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann seem to love criticizing Michelle Obama no matter what she says or does. Their big issue seems to be that they don't want their government to tell people how to live their lives. I guess if either one of them gets elected to the White House (God forbid), they will be the substitute teachers of presidents. They won't teach us anything, they won't tell us to do anything, they'll just sit in the front of the class and make sure no one gets hurt.

Except that I'm pretty sure if either one of them gets elected to the White House (God forbid), they will go out of their way to tell us how to live our lives, which coincidentally will be the way they live their lives.

The other day at work I was going to the bathroom into the urinal. I finished up and walked to the sink to wash my hands. One of my co-workers immediately called me out for not flushing the urinal. Instead of just owning up to it, I started to go into some spiel about how the handle of a toilet is the germiest thing in a bathroom. Which was something someone had told me in high school. Except that what they had told me was that the handles of toilets in public restrooms were the cleanest part of the bathroom.

Note: according to the story I found online, the bathroom door handles and the toilet seat are the cleanest parts of the bathroom. So there you go.

Anyways, I started to make something up about how I always wash my hands after using the urinal but before flushing. Which meant I had to wash my hands and then flush. Which meant I would then have to wash my hands again. In the only smart move of the whole situation, I grabbed a paper towel and used that to flush the urinal. I could have saved five minutes of my life by simply saying, "you're right, I totally forgot to flush, that was dumb of me," but instead I went the scenic route, which, as always, takes a lot longer and is never scenic.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Three Wise Men

In the last month or so, three men left posts they had held for between 20 and 30 years. Most people think these stories are unrelated, but not me. Here are my predictions for the next year:

Jerry Sloan will become president of Egypt. He will fix the country's economy by using the "Pick and Roll." Despite the fact that everyone understands the philosophy of the "Pick and Roll," no one quite gets how it works so effectively. But it does, time and time again.

Regis Philbin will take over as head coach of the Utah Jazz and will be flummoxed by the fact that everyone on the team is, in fact, already a millionaire. He will call a friend, who will convince him to bring in a lifeline in the way of an aging Chauncey Billups, but that doesn't work and he will be fired and replaced by Meredith Viera, who is also coaching the Lakers but nobody seems to mind.

Finally, coming soon to ABC: "Live with Kelly and Mubarak"! They will banter about life in the Big Apple, where you go for the best bagel and what is the best way to oppress a people for more than 30 years without being invaded by the world's superpowers!

Speaking of Mubarak, is that not the epitome of staying at the party for too long? I'll bet all of his friends knew that he and Egypt were about to break up, but Mubarak just wouldn't listen to reason. "No no, Egypt loves me and I love Egypt, nothing will ever come between us." He really believed it too. Must have been tough to be a friend of Mubarak and listen to him talk about how Egypt is taking lessons from a male tennis instructor, and how Egypt doesn't own a raquet but rents one from the instructor. But now that Egypt broke up with him, he can't handle it. Now he's blaming outside sources. It's not Egypt who is breaking up with me, it's "international pressures," and "I will not submit to any international pressures." I see the future for Mubarak and Egypt, and it has "restraining order" written all over it.

Monday, February 7, 2011

A Roethlisberger With Everything

"I feel like I let the city of Pittsburgh down - the fans, my coaches, my teammates. It's not a good feeling." The words of Ben Roethlisberger after Superbowl XLV.

"I'd like to begin by expressing gratitude to the thorough investigation process in Georgia. The prosecutor's decision not to bring charges, I know without a doubt, is the right conclusion. I don't intend to discuss any details related to the events of Georgia. I'm happy to put this behind me and move forward. I'm truly sorry for the disappointment and negative attention I brought to my family, my teammates, coaches, the Rooneys and the NFL." The words of Ben Roethlisberger after the court in Georgia decided not to press charges.

After losing a football game, Big Ben apologized immediately. After (allegedly) assaulting a 20-year-old girl, Big Ben thanked the courts for not pressing charges before he apologized. Ben, you certainly "let the city of Pittsburgh down" - but how you played in Superbowl XLV was not a factor in that at all.

Someone brought up Michael Vick, and how I give him a pass but I don't do the same for Roethlisberger. I say - Michael Vick went to prison, served his time, paid his dues and is now trying to be a better person by working with the Humane Society and talking to inner-city kids. Roethlisberger's punishment was a six-game suspension that was reduced to four games. Vick also served a two-game suspension after signing his deal with the Eagles. Oh but Big Ben had to answer questions throughout the season from members of the media about what happened in Georgia. So that must have been really hard on him.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I do not like Roethlisberger. I like the Steelers, with the exception of him. I have a man-crush on Mike Tomlin. I think Troy Polamalu is awesome. Max Starks and Mike Pouncey are Gators. The organization, from the owner to the coaches to (most of) the players, are solid. But Roethlisberger is another matter. He always seemed arrogant. Riding his motorcycle without a helmet. The girl in Lake Tahoe. The girl in Georgia. All of those actions said "I'm better than everyone else," which didn't seem very Steeler-esque.

Maybe he was always this way, but we didn't really know about it because he went to Miami of Ohio. Even his early years with the Steelers, he was kind of in the background, allowing Cowher, Bettis, et al. to serve as the face of the franchise. My guess, however, is that he wasn't always that way, but the early success he and his team had went to his head. He started to think he was invincible, that he deserved to get everything and anything he wanted. He reached the top, then was knocked down because of his own actions. Now he is saying all the right things, but that won't mean much unless he does all the right things.

Big Ben has shown himself to be a giant d-bag. But then I read the words of someone who has been through worse than Roethlisberger:

"I hope to leave a legacy that kid scan look back on and say, 'ok here's a guy who rose to the top, fell dramatically and rose again. And despite everything that he went through he had the ability ot keep pressing forward, stay persistent and make the most out of a bad situation that he created.' The only thing I hope is that people give me the opportunity when they look back and say, 'ok here's a guy who made a mistake and bounced back from it.' I hope they give me the benefit of the doubt at the end of the day because God gave me a second chance, and I think everybody else should."

You know who said that? Michael Vick. And he's right. Everyone deserves a second chance, even giant d-bags like Roethlisberger. So here is your second chance Ben, not just from me but from every NFL fan everywhere. For our sake, for your sake - don't screw it up.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

More Museful Thoughtings

Watching Community from last week, I remember how much fun Dungeons and Dragons was.

Yes, I played. And I had fun. So suck it.

Earlier this week, Howard Stern talked about a poll in either the NY Daily News or the NY Post, and although I can't remember what the question in the poll was, there were three options, one being yes to the question, one being no to the question, the other "I Don't Know." Eight perent of the responders hit "I Don't Know." Howard thought it was ludicrous that people didn't know how they felt about this issue. I think a) it's nuts that "I Don't Know" was an answer, usually polls go with "I Don't Care" as the third option, and 2) if people don't know how they feel about a certain issue, why do they feel the need to even respond to the poll? What a monumental waste of time.

The fact that "Miley Cyrus Gets Tattoo No. 5" is news disturbs me.

I'm not sure who I am pulling for in Superbowl XLV. I am not a huge fan of Roethlisberger, even though he's a heck of a quarterback, but I like Mike Tomlin and the Steelers organization. And if the Steelers win, Big Ben will have as many Superbowl victories as Tom Brady. I like Brady more than I like Roethlisberger, despite Mr. Gisele's haircut.

I do like Rodgers and Charles Woodson (my favorite Heisman winner of all time) and the other Packers, and if the Packers win then Rodgers will have as many Superbowl victories as Brett Fav-ruh, who I always thought was kind of overrated as a quarterback. And also a bit of a douche. So if Rodgers is tied with Fav-ruh in Superbowl wins, that seems like as good a reason as any to pull for a team. So I guess I am rooting for the Packers.

We can all rest easy now, knowing who I am pulling for in Superbowl XLV. Go Pack Go!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Twittering Away My Soul

I joined twitter the other day. Not really sure why. I think it's because Howard Stern said he was joining. I wish there was a much more involved reason for signing up, but I'm pretty sure that's about it. As I was in the process of signing up, I liked the idea of twitter - I could send tweets to famous people and they would read them and find them witty, funny and charming. Then we would become the best of friends.

Then I made the mistake of joining twitter. Yes, I have responded to tweets of famous people. I crafted witty, funny and charming tweets and sent them to said famous people. To this date, I have not received one single response from any of them. Ok, ego bruised.

I didn't know how people got followers on twitter, but I soon realized that by sending tweets to famous people, others see the tweets and realize how witty, funny and charming they are, and then follow you. In the first couple days, I picked up 11 followers! How exciting.

I now have four.

Apparently, twitterers follow and unfollow about as often as Lindsay Lohan goes in and out of rehab.

See? Witty, funny and charming.

So not only am I not best friends with any famous people, I also am losing followers faster than Mubarak. I mean, 11 followers isn't even a lot to begin with, but now I have four?! I'll admit, that stings a little.

But I am American, so I will not give up. I will still send tweets, I will still imagine that a famous person will see how witty, funny and charming I am, and I will still believe that at some point we will become the best of friends.

And if that doesn't work out, there's always Facebook.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Museful Thoughtings

It must be really difficult to be a dog when it snows. My dog has the hardest time finding a place to do his business. He is used to grass and bushes and trees, but when it snows, all he has is white and cold. He gets very confused, going to places he usually uses, pauses like he's going to handle his business, looks up at me accusingly, like I did something to cause this white cold stuff, then keeps going to try and find a spot.

I feel a little guilty finding the whole ordeal hilarious.

He also is very sensitive after a haircut, especially in the caboosal area. Our theory is that once the hair is gone from that area, he feels wind hitting it, he feels cold hitting it, and it really bothers him. He has to do the butt-wipe walk constantly to try and make himself feel better.

I feel a little guilty finding the whole ordeal hilarious.

My dog has a great life. He is well taken care of and very loved. He is treated like a member of the family, which he is. So when something happens that makes me laugh, I feel a little guilty finding the whole ordeal hilarious, but then I think screw him, he is better taken care of than I am.