Friday, February 18, 2011

The Return Of Museful Thoughtings

The other day for no reason at all I was thinking about the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. I remembered how Goldilocks thought one porridge was too hot, the other too cold, two of the chairs were too big, one bed was too hard and one bed was too soft. Then it occurred to me that Goldilocks was a real pain in the ass.

Can you imagine dating Goldilocks? Nothing you do would ever be good enough. Your Valentine's Day plans would either be not romantic enough or way too sappy. You would either not make decisions enough or you would always get your own way. You don't listen to her or you never talk to her.

That sounds suspiciously like most women. I guess we're all dating Goldilocks. I wonder which bear I am.

Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann seem to love criticizing Michelle Obama no matter what she says or does. Their big issue seems to be that they don't want their government to tell people how to live their lives. I guess if either one of them gets elected to the White House (God forbid), they will be the substitute teachers of presidents. They won't teach us anything, they won't tell us to do anything, they'll just sit in the front of the class and make sure no one gets hurt.

Except that I'm pretty sure if either one of them gets elected to the White House (God forbid), they will go out of their way to tell us how to live our lives, which coincidentally will be the way they live their lives.

The other day at work I was going to the bathroom into the urinal. I finished up and walked to the sink to wash my hands. One of my co-workers immediately called me out for not flushing the urinal. Instead of just owning up to it, I started to go into some spiel about how the handle of a toilet is the germiest thing in a bathroom. Which was something someone had told me in high school. Except that what they had told me was that the handles of toilets in public restrooms were the cleanest part of the bathroom.

Note: according to the story I found online, the bathroom door handles and the toilet seat are the cleanest parts of the bathroom. So there you go.

Anyways, I started to make something up about how I always wash my hands after using the urinal but before flushing. Which meant I had to wash my hands and then flush. Which meant I would then have to wash my hands again. In the only smart move of the whole situation, I grabbed a paper towel and used that to flush the urinal. I could have saved five minutes of my life by simply saying, "you're right, I totally forgot to flush, that was dumb of me," but instead I went the scenic route, which, as always, takes a lot longer and is never scenic.

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