Wednesday, March 23, 2011

A Dictator By Many Other Names

People think it's weird that the Libyan leader has multiple spellings of his name, but I say it's genius. When he gets captured, he'll say "you've got the wrong guy! you're looking for Gadhafi - I'm Gaddafi. That other guy is a real douche." Then if he gets caught again, he'll say "I'm not Gadhafi, I'm Khaddafi! Who told you to look for Gadhafi? Oh man, that Gaddafi is such a prankster. You're actually looking for Qaddafi." Then cut to an American solidier eating a candy bar, and the voiceover says "not overthrowing a dictator for a while? Eat a Snickers!"

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Gator Nation

You can't tell me that it's not all about the Gators. Even the NCAA Selection Committee thinks the Gators are what America is watching. Thanks to the Gators' win tonight, they now face either UCLA or Michigan State on Saturday. UF beat UCLA twice en route to consecutive nat'l champs, in the finals in 2005-06 and in the Final Four in 2006-07. Florida lost to MSU in Billy D's first Finals appearance but won last year when the Spartans were ranked No. 2 in the nation.

If they happen to win their next game, the Gators could face BYU and Jimmer Fredette. Last year, BYU took down Florida in double overtime in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. Should they prove victorious in that contest, Florida could face Kansas State, which fell to the Gators earlier this season when KSU was ranked No. 6 in the country.

I know the NCAA Selection Committee likes to make pairings that create story lines, but all of that seems a bit much, unless it is as I claim, that it's all about the Gators!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The Loo(sers)

Okay people. I know we have discussed this before, but apparently some of you weren't listening. Because I still see you making the same mistakes you made before, and there is no reason for that. We have been over this and over this, and I expect better from all of you.

I am speaking, of course, of public bathroom etiquette. Many people have written about the unwritten rules of public restrooms, which means that the rules are no longer unwritten, which means the must be followed!

Rule 1: Wash your hands, especially if you use the stall. I'm fairly certain that was never an unwritten rule. In fact, it shouldn't even have to be a rule. A) it's courteous and 2) it's just common-freaking-sense. This goes further than thinking your S doesn't stink - not washing your hands means you think your S isn't even S. If you are going No. 1, you should wash your hands as well, but if you don't, we will not look at you with the same level of disgust as when you don't wash your hands after using the stall.

Rule 2: If you are going No. 1 while in a stall, and you happen to have a little splatter, clean it up. Again, shouldn't even be a rule. A) it's courteous and 2) it's common-freaking-sense.

Rule 3: Flush. Fairly simple concept. Also shouldn't even be a rule, because A) it's courteous and 2) it's common-freaking-sense.

Rule 4: If possible, when using a urinal make sure you give yourself at least one urinal between you and anyone else using a urinal. If not possible, make sure you keep eyes either on the wall or looking into the urinal.

Rule 4(a): Rule 2 also applies when using a stall. Whenever possible, make sure one empty stall is between you and another stall-user. This applies to both men and women.

NOTE: My wife, who is a woman, assures me that this rule is more often than not followed by her sex.

Rule 5: There is never a reason to be on your cell phone while using urinal or stall. In fact, cell phones should never be used while at the urinal. The only time a cell phone can be used in a public restroom is if you are in a stall, and that is only for playing video games and/or using the internet.

You would think the use of a cell phone in a public restroom would never happen, but sadly, it does. Quite often, as it turns out. What possible conversation is so important that you can't tell the other person that you need to take a break? Do you tell the other person what you are doing? Why even take or make a phone call if you know that you have to use the bathroom shortly?

Rule 6: Use your hands to guide the stream while using a urinal. You might think that you can go "look ma, no hands" style, but I assure you, your aim isn't as good as you think it is.

Rule 7: Talking incessantly to other people in the restroom while using urinal or in stall is frowned upon. If you decide to disregard this rule, understand that the other person is allowed to answer in grunts and/or one-word sentences.

Rule 8: Make sure the paper towels you use to dry yourself are placed in the trash can. Not on the floor, not in the sink, not on the counter top - in the trash can. If you want to pretend your Michael Jordan and go with the fade-away shot, be prepared to meekly go and pick up the paper when it lands on the floor. I'm pretty sure your mother wouldn't even pick that up for you, and the cleaning staff is not your mother.

The other day, while in a fairly large public restroom, a man decided to use the urinal right next to me despite the fact that there were many open urinals all over the room, including on the opposite side of the wall. Then he proceeded to place his elbows on the top of the dividers to either side of his urinal, including the one inbetween the urinal where I was and his.

Rule 9: Break two rules at one time, you lose your public restroom privileges for a week.

A few days later, I walk into a public restroom and I hear someone talking. At first I think I am hearing something from outside, but then I realize that someone is in the stall, talking on his cell phone. As I am finishing my business at the urinal, the man comes out of the stall (still on the phone), and walks right out of the restroom. Doesn't flush, doesn't wash his hands and was talking on his phone.

Rule 10: Break three or more rules at one time, banned from public restrooms for the rest of your life, with the exception of port-a-potties, because they are disgusting already no matter what you do to (or in) them.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Importance Of Being Oscar

In honor of the Oscars, here is a joke I came up with. All by myself. No writers or anything. Just me.

A comedian tweeted: "Difference btween men+woman during sex? Men=going to a party. Women=having a party at their house and worried about spills."

Amusing, right? But wait, that wasn't the joke. Here's what I sent him (the actual aforementioned joke):

Difference between men and women during sex? Men are happy just to be nominated. Women want the award.

Boom! Funny, clever, true and topical! Four-tool joke! The comedian who originally tweeted did not respond. Screw all of his followers who sent him not-as-funny jokes, because they caused him to miss the best one - mine!

Back to the Oscars! It's a big deal. Huge event. Not just for celebrities attending and the nominees, but also for those of us watching at home. Much more fun for the latter group, because we can make fun of everyone and everything that happens during the show!

I unfortunately missed half of the Oscars beause of work. But I give you a timeline of what I did from the time I left work until the end of the broadcast.

7:30pm: leave event. Not thrilled that I am going to have driven four hours to work for three. Especially since I'm missing the opening of the Oscars. Not that I am expecting a lot from Hathaway/Franco, but it could be a win-win for us viewers. Either it's a train wreck and fun to talk about, or it's funny and fun to talk about. Stupid work.

8:02: pass a cop car on side of the road. Speedometer says I'm going 76 (in a 65), GPS says I'm going 73. I decide to stick with GPS. Trying to figure out what I would say to cop if I get pulled over. "You see officer, ever since Watson dominated Jeopardy, I figure computers are taking over so I may as well listen to my GPS."

8:07: call parents, they are hosting an Oscar party. Mom is dumbfounded that the male A-list stars are all short. Her friend informs her proudly that George Clooney really is 6-2! I'm sure his mother is very proud. Well, at least someone's mother is proud.

8:24: pass another cop, this time don't even pretend to slow, as I have my "GPS told me I was going 73" arguement ready to go. slow down one minute later when I remember that a GPS sent Michael Scott and Dwight Shrute into a lake, and also my argument is ridiculous.

8:30: Oscars start. I am still at least an hour away. Now listening to Geektime. Not really sure why.

9:30: make it home in one piece. Hungry, so going to eat leftover fajitas. But my wife tells me James Franco is in a dress. Gotta check that out. That was mildly amusing - saw the Charlie Sheen joke coming a mile away. Still, it made me chuckle. That dude is insane. I hear Gaddafi thinks Sheen is a genius and is now suing Libya for 320 million. Maybe we could get Gaddafi to take over for Sheen on Two and a Half Men.

9:40: no surprise, Christian Bale wins Best Supporting Actor. Didn't see The Fighter, my wife went to see it with her folks without me, then proceeded to tell me over and over again how good it was. Bale gives a website a free plug, hears a few boos in the audience. So it's ok to promote the maker of whatever dress/tux you're wearing, but you can't give out a website? Seems a little double-standardy.

10:00: doing stuff for work, watching Oscars and listening to my wife at the same time. Who says men can't multitask? Wait, what did my wife just say? Backtracking in my head to figure it out. Crap, what were we just talking about? Hathaway just made a joke about her screw ups being a drinking game - wife is distracted by that. Saved!

10:30: don't understand how Christopher Nolan wasn't nominated for Best Director. I haven't seen Inception, but I've heard it's amazing, and it received Best Picture nomination. I would say the Oscars hates British people, but The King's Speech won damn near everything.

11:00: really like how the Oscars did the "those who are gone" segment. Instead of having those embarrassing moments where the former make-up artist whom no one has ever heard of gets very little in the way of applause while well-known actors who passed away are cheered, they have Celine Dion singing to ensure that no one claps until the whole montage is over. Genius move on the Academy's part, and long overdue.

11:30: Natalie Portman looks amazing. Wow. I thought she was great in Beautiful Girls, and she has only gotten better. Probably not going to see Black Swan - seems a little dark for my tastes. I don't get to see many movies, so when I do, I certainly don't want to be depressed. That would be a giant waste of the 100 dollars it costs per movie viewing. But back to Portman, if you just look at her face, she doesn't even look pregnant. Which makes me think that perhaps she is not as unhealthily skinny as some other Hollywood stars are.

Midnight: Oscars finally end. I think the Oscars is the Left Coast's revenge on the East Coast for every sporting event being based on East Coast time. For us, it's midnight. For them, it's 9:00 p.m. That's not fair. I don't care that the first slate of NFL games starts at 10:00 a.m. on a Sunday in California. King's Speech was the only movie I saw of the nominees, and it was amazing. Would have been cool if Inception won though. Might have been enough to convince my wife to see it with me.

Recap: Oscars are fun to watch, but exhausting because it ends so late. My wife feels that the day after the Super Bowl should be a national holiday, and I agree, but I think it should be the same for the Oscars. I'm pretty sure that's what all those people in Wisconsin are protesting.