Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Importance Of Being Oscar

In honor of the Oscars, here is a joke I came up with. All by myself. No writers or anything. Just me.

A comedian tweeted: "Difference btween men+woman during sex? Men=going to a party. Women=having a party at their house and worried about spills."

Amusing, right? But wait, that wasn't the joke. Here's what I sent him (the actual aforementioned joke):

Difference between men and women during sex? Men are happy just to be nominated. Women want the award.

Boom! Funny, clever, true and topical! Four-tool joke! The comedian who originally tweeted did not respond. Screw all of his followers who sent him not-as-funny jokes, because they caused him to miss the best one - mine!

Back to the Oscars! It's a big deal. Huge event. Not just for celebrities attending and the nominees, but also for those of us watching at home. Much more fun for the latter group, because we can make fun of everyone and everything that happens during the show!

I unfortunately missed half of the Oscars beause of work. But I give you a timeline of what I did from the time I left work until the end of the broadcast.

7:30pm: leave event. Not thrilled that I am going to have driven four hours to work for three. Especially since I'm missing the opening of the Oscars. Not that I am expecting a lot from Hathaway/Franco, but it could be a win-win for us viewers. Either it's a train wreck and fun to talk about, or it's funny and fun to talk about. Stupid work.

8:02: pass a cop car on side of the road. Speedometer says I'm going 76 (in a 65), GPS says I'm going 73. I decide to stick with GPS. Trying to figure out what I would say to cop if I get pulled over. "You see officer, ever since Watson dominated Jeopardy, I figure computers are taking over so I may as well listen to my GPS."

8:07: call parents, they are hosting an Oscar party. Mom is dumbfounded that the male A-list stars are all short. Her friend informs her proudly that George Clooney really is 6-2! I'm sure his mother is very proud. Well, at least someone's mother is proud.

8:24: pass another cop, this time don't even pretend to slow, as I have my "GPS told me I was going 73" arguement ready to go. slow down one minute later when I remember that a GPS sent Michael Scott and Dwight Shrute into a lake, and also my argument is ridiculous.

8:30: Oscars start. I am still at least an hour away. Now listening to Geektime. Not really sure why.

9:30: make it home in one piece. Hungry, so going to eat leftover fajitas. But my wife tells me James Franco is in a dress. Gotta check that out. That was mildly amusing - saw the Charlie Sheen joke coming a mile away. Still, it made me chuckle. That dude is insane. I hear Gaddafi thinks Sheen is a genius and is now suing Libya for 320 million. Maybe we could get Gaddafi to take over for Sheen on Two and a Half Men.

9:40: no surprise, Christian Bale wins Best Supporting Actor. Didn't see The Fighter, my wife went to see it with her folks without me, then proceeded to tell me over and over again how good it was. Bale gives a website a free plug, hears a few boos in the audience. So it's ok to promote the maker of whatever dress/tux you're wearing, but you can't give out a website? Seems a little double-standardy.

10:00: doing stuff for work, watching Oscars and listening to my wife at the same time. Who says men can't multitask? Wait, what did my wife just say? Backtracking in my head to figure it out. Crap, what were we just talking about? Hathaway just made a joke about her screw ups being a drinking game - wife is distracted by that. Saved!

10:30: don't understand how Christopher Nolan wasn't nominated for Best Director. I haven't seen Inception, but I've heard it's amazing, and it received Best Picture nomination. I would say the Oscars hates British people, but The King's Speech won damn near everything.

11:00: really like how the Oscars did the "those who are gone" segment. Instead of having those embarrassing moments where the former make-up artist whom no one has ever heard of gets very little in the way of applause while well-known actors who passed away are cheered, they have Celine Dion singing to ensure that no one claps until the whole montage is over. Genius move on the Academy's part, and long overdue.

11:30: Natalie Portman looks amazing. Wow. I thought she was great in Beautiful Girls, and she has only gotten better. Probably not going to see Black Swan - seems a little dark for my tastes. I don't get to see many movies, so when I do, I certainly don't want to be depressed. That would be a giant waste of the 100 dollars it costs per movie viewing. But back to Portman, if you just look at her face, she doesn't even look pregnant. Which makes me think that perhaps she is not as unhealthily skinny as some other Hollywood stars are.

Midnight: Oscars finally end. I think the Oscars is the Left Coast's revenge on the East Coast for every sporting event being based on East Coast time. For us, it's midnight. For them, it's 9:00 p.m. That's not fair. I don't care that the first slate of NFL games starts at 10:00 a.m. on a Sunday in California. King's Speech was the only movie I saw of the nominees, and it was amazing. Would have been cool if Inception won though. Might have been enough to convince my wife to see it with me.

Recap: Oscars are fun to watch, but exhausting because it ends so late. My wife feels that the day after the Super Bowl should be a national holiday, and I agree, but I think it should be the same for the Oscars. I'm pretty sure that's what all those people in Wisconsin are protesting.

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