Monday, August 22, 2011

Lions and Cards and Bills, Oh My!

I like the NFL commercial where the Detroit Lions fan keeps purchasing items for his daughter with his Lions credit card so that he can win Lions-related prizes. I imagine his face when he gets his credit card bill and realizes the full ramifications of his stupidity.

Then I imagine his wife walks in. Seeing her husband's ashen face, she asks him, "What happened? Did the Lions use a first-round pick to get Terrell Pryor in the supplemental draft?" Wordlessly, he hands her the ridiculously-large bill. She takes one look at it, looks at her husband, looks again at the bill, then faints.

Flash forward two weeks later, the husband is in the house alone, wearing a Charles Rogers No. 80 jersey, the home is completely cleaned out as his wife has divorced him, and all he has left is the memory of being on Ford Field prior to a Lions game.

Who says the NFL stands for No Fun League? Not me!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Walk This Way

I have a confession to make.

No one ever expects something like this to happen to them, but when it does, we tend to make excuses. The usual suspects are: I wasn’t loved enough; they don’t understand me; they don’t listen to me; they don’t give me what I need. But all of these excuses are just that: excuses.

The truth is, I am loved plenty. I am given everything I need and want. I couldn’t ask for a better friend. This is my best friend, who gives me all the attention I need, who never criticizes me or points out my shortcomings, who is always ready to play and who goes out of the way to make me feel better when I am down in the dumps. But I betrayed that friendship.

I took another dog for a walk.


The first time, I tried to tell myself that, "this is no big deal. We're just friends. This is what friends do." But the second time all I felt was guilt. I knew I was doing the wrong thing. But we were together, he was looking at me with those eyes, a leash was hanging on the wall next to me…sure, I used protection and brought a plastic bag, but I still knew I was cheating. I tried to rationalize that my dog doesn’t let me take him for walks, but that’s just a lie and I knew it. I tried to get the smell off me, but my dog knew. I could tell. He sniffed and sniffed me and I knew he smelled the other dog.

To his credit, he didn’t say anything. He pretends that it doesn’t bother him; that it was no big deal. But I know better. And I feel awful.

I wish I could go back and erase what I did but I know that’s impossible. So now we go on our walks and we play tug-of-war and we maintain this dance of “let’s see who can ignore the elephant in the room the longest,” even though both of us know the elephant is actually a 120-pound lab named Harley.

I think the worst part about this is that now I fantasize about walking them together.

What is wrong with me?!

Friday, August 12, 2011

OPO (Other People's Opinions)

I am a bleeding heart liberal. I have never tried to hide my political beliefs; I would say that many people feel that I am too open with my opinions. Even in disagreement, I try to see the other side's point of view. In arguments, I attempt to keep an open mind and remember that although the other person's opinion differs from mine, it doesn't make said other person any less intelligent.

But after seeing reaction to recent events, I have to wonder if people haven't lost their minds. I know I am supposed to keep an open mind and not judge others for their opinions, but in this situation I just can't. When it comes to this hot topic, there is one - and only one - right answer. The fact that other people don't see it the way I do makes me nervous for the future of our country.

But facts are facts. And the fact is, Sarah Palin is hotter than Michelle Bachmann.

It's not even close. It's not even up for debate. The idea that people feel otherwise shows how bad of a shape our country is in. Not only are we obese, racist, prejudiced and stupid; we're also blind.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I Expose Obama's Nefarious Plan (To Win Re-Election)

President Barack Obama is one crafty SOB.

Not many people are aware of this, but the president has already started his re-election campaign. Many pundits are claiming that his chances of winning in 2012 are bleak because of recent decisions he has made (or not made). These so called “pundits” are more “pun” than “dits,” because the joke is on them. Mr. Obama is not only setting himself up to remain in office, he is also planting the seeds for Democrats to take back the House of Representatives and increase their hold on the Senate. He is doing this under the auspices of “making mistakes” or “giving in to Republican/Tea Party wishes.” But these are carefully crafted strategies that Mr. Obama has put together that will ensure his re-election in 2012. President Barack Obama is indeed one crafty SOB.

During Obama’s three major policy creations, commentators, politicians and voters have criticized the President for not doing enough. Their argument was that he gave too much to the Republicans. He changed his mind to appease those in the middle, the so-called “independents.” He wanted too much bipartisanship. Instead of being a leader and just telling people what to do and how to do it, Obama brought in different opinions and tried to put together policies that truly fit America and its melting pot of people. Apparently, many were upset that he wanted to be President and not Dictator. Republicans, on the other hand, were gleeful that they were foiling Obama’s plan of making the country better.

But what the Republicans did not know is that they were playing right into Obama’s hands. Each time he came up against a Republican roadblock while creating policy, Obama gave a little (a lot) and got back a lot (a little). He was roundly criticized for his unwillingness to make a stand and fight harder for what he wanted. But this was all a part of his nefarious plan to remain in office. Obama gave up on the public option on his health care plan because he would rather have some form of universal health care coverage than none at all. He extended Bush’s tax cuts for two years to make sure that unemployment benefits continued. He again allowed Bush’s tax cuts to stay in place while giving in to Republican (Tea Party) demands that the government cut back on spending in order to raise the debt ceiling.

Each one of these situations has a common theme. Obama has policies he wants to put into place that he feels will make the country better. Republicans fight him on these policies, using key moments to make their stand (unemployment benefits in 2010 and debt ceiling in 2011, to name two). Obama is put between a rock and a hard place and decides to back down on his wishes so that the country survives. Pundits left and right cry out that he is weak and that he is not a leader.

But Obama knows better. He is setting up his campaign strategy to be one of, “I stood in the way of terrible Republican policies and made sure that America kept running. I tried to work with Republicans but they would not work with me. Republicans put their own interests ahead of the country, but not me.” His actions could move Democrats ahead of Republicans on the “we are trying to make America better” pedestal. Obama is taking the hits now because he is willing to sacrifice a small amount of pain to stay in office and put his fellow Democrats back in power.

In a rare moment of honesty from a politician, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell once said that “The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president.” So how can Republicans stop Obama’s dastardly plan to win re-election? Simply put, they must allow Obama to make all the policy changes he wants. Bush’s tax cuts? Gone. Public option health care? Signed, sealed and delivered. Republicans feel that Obama’s policies will ruin America; what better way to get him out of office than to let him shoot himself in the foot?

So you see, Obama’s re-election strategy is win-win. Either he uses Republican’s unwillingness to work with him as a way to get them out of office, or they let all is policies come to fruition as a way to show the American public that Obama is not good for America.

To paraphrase Messrs. Mike D, MCA and Ad-Rock, Obama’s crafty, and he’s just my type.