Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Post-NFL Week 3 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Week three will be all about ending streaks. The Bills will end 15-game losing streak against the Patriots. The Lions will end a 13-game losing streak at the Metrodome. The Giants will end a six-game losing streak against the Eagles. The Raiders will end a five-game losing streak to non-division opponents. The Buccaneers will end a five-game losing streak to the Falcons. The Gramatica brothers will be relevant for the first time in five years.

Unconfirmed reports say Bill tore his ACL while celebrating the news that he and his brother were cast in a Bud Light commercial.

Two quarterbacks, a sixth-round draft choice and a seventh-round draft choice, will go toe-to-toe as the Bills will come from behind to defeat the Patriots. Somewhere, former No. 1 overall pick JaMarcus Russell is studying hard to get his degree.

Seriously, JaMarcus Russell returned to LSU to get his degree.

Mel Kiper Jr. still thinks that JaMarcus Russell will be the next John Elway. Todd McShay continues to be in awe of JaMarcus Russell. Al Davis doesn’t know who JaMarcus Russell is.

In Kiper Jr. and McShay’s defense, most NFL teams aren’t much smarter. In Davis’ defense, he’s Al Davis.

Late in the second half of its loss to Detroit, Minnesota will offer further proof that chicks do indeed dig the Longwell.

However, chicks will not dig the fact that with the game on the line, Minnesota’s coaching staff will choose to leave one defender covering the best receiver in the NFL, Calvin Johnson.

Wide receiver Steve Smith’s return will pay immediate dividends. Not for the Eagles, but for the Giants, who will go on to defeat Vince Young’s Dream Team in Philly.

The Giants’ coaching staff will design a defense for Michael Vick and the Eagles based on Tom Coughlin’s favorite song, which as everyone knows, is Hit ‘Em High by B Real, Coolio, Busta Rhymes and Method Man.

“If you can hit ‘em high, hit ‘em high, hit ‘em high. If you can hit ‘em low, hit ‘em low, hit ‘em low.”

After using the chorus as a mantra leading up to the Eagles game, the song will remain in the Giants’ heads for at least a week. Maybe two. It’s damn catchy.

The Ravens will score 21 points in the first quarter in a blowout victory over the Rams. At 0-3, the Rams are still in playoff contention. Ladies and gentlemen, the NFC West!

The Texans will come thisclose to beating the Saints in New Orleans. The defenses for each team will come thisclose to making any kind of impact on the game.

The Packers will become the first Super Bowl winner to start the next season 3-0 since the 2007 Giants. Greg Jennings’ twitter feed will blow up with fans asking him not to shoot himself in the foot, literally or figuratively.

In a game that has zero playoff implications whatsoever, the Panthers will defeat the Jaguars.

In a game that has playoff implications only because it’s the NFC West, the Seahawks will defeat the Cardinals.

The Bengals and the 49ers will do their best baseball impersonation. Just like their MLB counterparts, neither team will reach the playoffs. Also like their MLB counterparts, neither team will do much of anything offensively.

The Colts will play well enough to lose to the Steelers.

The performances of Curtis Painter and Kerry Collins will cause everyone watching the game to say, “I could throw better than that.” And they would be correct.

The Titans will defeat the Broncos in Tennessee. In a game featuring running back Chris Johnson, Denver’s Willis McGahee will be the game’s leading rusher with 52 yards. Fantasy owners will joke that they should have picked McGahee with the No. 1 overall pick. Although right now, Chris Johnson owners would be stoked to have McGahee’s numbers (54 carries, 156 yards, 2.9 average, one touchdown).

Those numbers don’t speak well for Willis McGahee. But they really don’t speak well for Chris Johnson.

Ryan Mathews has a career day to lead the Chargers to a win over the GreatJobButWhoAreTheChefs. Mathews’ 2010 fantasy owners will wonder where that production was last season. Mathews’ 2010 fantasy owners are still not bitter.

Tony Romo will put in another gutty performance to lead the Cowboys to victory. Romo’s disappointed detractors will ask him to go to Mexico on his bye week so they can criticize him again.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Post-NFL Week 2 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Week 2
Kristin Cavallari is hired by the Saints as a defensive consultant; the result is six sacks for New Orleans on Jay Cutler. Her need to get back at her ex sated, Cavallari pulls a Costanza and retires from the NFL.

Jennifer Lopez debuts her new commercial, I mean song, and millions of NFL fans say: “wait, isn’t that the lady who used to date Marc Anthony?”

Apparently, NFL fans are also fans Hawthorne, Man On Fire and Big Night.

Raiders and Bills will end up as the most fun game of the day. You heard it here first.

Cam Newton and the Panthers will lose on the same weekend as the Auburn Tigers. This is not a coincidence. It’s karma.

The Jets will put a whupping on Jacksonville. The Blaine Gabbert era will begin. The Luke McKown era will go down as the shortest era, ever. Somewhere next to a telephone, David Garrard is laughing.

Donovan McNabb will return to his 2002 form. In 2002, McNabb went 26-of-49 for 243 yards as Tampa Bay won the NFC Championship, 27-10. In 2011, McNabb will also lead his team to a loss to the Bucs.

The Colts will fall to 0-2.

The Patriots will again run just enough to set up the passing attack, which will actually include Chad Ochocinco. As he is no longer missing in action, he decides after the game not to rename himself Chuck Norris.

The Rams and Giants will play their game despite missing a combined 67 players to injury.

Despite the Giants’ win over the Rams, New York fans will chant the name of everyone’s favorite backup, Tim Tebow.

With the Ravens coming up in Week 3, the Rams will be forced to endure a week of hearing about the percentage chance 0-3 teams have at making the playoffs and the list of 0-3 teams that bounced back to make the playoffs.

Tom Coughlin’s challenge percentage and streak will move into Ted Williams and Joe DiMaggio territory. Someone on Monday Night Football will go with the overused and unfunny “Tom Coughlin is old but he understands technology” joke.

Teams that were thinking about hiring Todd Haley as offensive coordinator after the season decide to go a different direction after the Chiefs’ offense is shutdown by the Lions.

Detroit fans across the world will break out the team jerseys that have been hidden in their closets the last 10 years.

The Jets, Bills and Patriots are a combined 6-0. The Miami Dolphins are 0-2. One of these teams is not like the others.

The Dolphins are looking into realignment with the BIG EAST, as they feel that would give them a better chance to get into a BCS Bowl. The BIG EAST is excited that Miami is coming back to the fold, until they find out it’s the Dolphins and not the Hurricanes.

After two games, the 2010 NFC Playoff teams will be a combined 6-6. Not to be outdone, the 2010 AFC Playoff teams will also be a combined 6-6.

Denver will rebound and beat Cincinnati, but Bengals fans will feel better about their team’s future than Broncos fans.

A former Rutgers player will be the best player on the field in the Titans – Ravens matchup. But it won’t be Ray Rice. Or Jason McCourty. You were thinking it was going to be Jason McCourty, weren’t you.

Matt Ryan will improve to 21-2 at home in the regular season. Green Bay Packers fans prefer the other side of that statistic, which is that Matt Ryan is 0-1 at home in the playoffs.

Dallas Cowboys receiver Jesse Holley will make a key play down the stretch and then spend 20 minutes with his arms raised to the sky, breaking Michael Irvin’s record of 18 minutes.

Tony Romo will prove his haters wrong by playing through an injury. Tony Romo’s haters will then criticize him for jeopardizing his career by playing through injury.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Post-NFL Week 1 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games.

Week 1

Kyle Orton will do enough to keep his starting job with Denver, but not enough to quiet the people who would rather see his high-profile backup taking the snaps.

I’m referring, of course, to Brady Quinn.

Cam Newton will show people why he was the Heisman Trophy winner and the No. 1 overall pick. He will also remind people that he is still a rookie.

No matter who wins the Jets-Cowboys game, the winning team’s fans will read too much into the victory and the losing team’s fans will not read enough into the loss.

Tony Romo will again prove that he is not, as of yet, an elite quarterback.

The anti-Eli Manning calls will get a wee bit louder.

Since the NFL instituted the Thursday Night Season Opener in 2002, only twice have both teams in the contest reached the playoffs (2002 and 2004). On three occasions neither squad made the playoffs (2003, 2006 and 2009). Four times saw just one team reach the playoffs. Last season the Vikings fell to New Orleans in the Thursday Night Season Opener and finished 6-10. This year’s Thursday Night Season Opener will be close; the loser will not reach the playoffs.

Thursday Night Openers
2010: NO 14 – Min 9 (NO made playoffs)
2009: Pit 13 – Ten 10 (neither made playoffs)
2008: NYG 16 – Was 7 (NYG made playoffs)
2007: Ind 41 – NO 10 (Ind made playoffs)
2006: Pit 28 – Mia 17 (neither made playoffs)
2005: NE 30 – Oak 20 (NE made playoffs)
2004: NE 27 – Ind 24 (both made playoffs)
2003: Was 16 – NYJ 13 (neither made playoffs)
2002: SF 16 – NYG 13 (both made playoffs)

The Bears will remind people that they, in fact, won the NFC North last season, and it is theirs until it is taken from their cold, dead hands.

The Detroit Lions will defeat Tampa Bay in the battle of: team that will come close to a playoff berth but ultimately fall short (previously known as the Houston Texans).

The Texans are in more of a desperation mode than the Peyton-less Colts. Their game against Indianapolis is a must-win game for Houston, which will rise to the occasion to keep Coach Kubiak off the hot seat, at least for now.

Cleveland and Cincinnati will still play their game, even though nobody outside of Ohio cares.

Michael Vick and the Eagles won’t be perfect but they will beat the Rams. St. Louis will show that it’s not quite ready to play with the big boys.

Jim Harbaugh will again lead an upset over Pete Carroll’s team. Ted Ginn Jr. will electrify with his return abilities. Ted Ginn Jr. won’t see the light of day as a wide receiver.

Baltimore will open up its offense against Pittsburgh. The game will feature an NFL-record 20 first-quarter fights.

Tom Brady and the Patriots will do most of their damage against the Dolphins through the air, with enough running to keep Miami’s defense honest. But the Patriots’ defense will make Chad Henne look like a Pro Bowl quarterback to the point where during Broncos-Raiders, Denver fans will start chanting Henne’s name.

The Chiefs will provide evidence that last season was a one-hit wonder.

The Raiders will continue to be dysfunctional, undisciplined, wild and kind of fun to watch. They are the guilty pleasure of the NFL.

Donovan McNabb will make Minnesota fans miss the days of Tavaris Jackson.

Tavaris Jackson will make Seattle fans miss the days of Matt Hasselbeck

Matt Hasselbeck will make Tennessee fans miss the days of Kerry Collins.

Kerry Collins will, well, you know.