Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Post-NFL Week 2 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Week 2
Kristin Cavallari is hired by the Saints as a defensive consultant; the result is six sacks for New Orleans on Jay Cutler. Her need to get back at her ex sated, Cavallari pulls a Costanza and retires from the NFL.

Jennifer Lopez debuts her new commercial, I mean song, and millions of NFL fans say: “wait, isn’t that the lady who used to date Marc Anthony?”

Apparently, NFL fans are also fans Hawthorne, Man On Fire and Big Night.

Raiders and Bills will end up as the most fun game of the day. You heard it here first.

Cam Newton and the Panthers will lose on the same weekend as the Auburn Tigers. This is not a coincidence. It’s karma.

The Jets will put a whupping on Jacksonville. The Blaine Gabbert era will begin. The Luke McKown era will go down as the shortest era, ever. Somewhere next to a telephone, David Garrard is laughing.

Donovan McNabb will return to his 2002 form. In 2002, McNabb went 26-of-49 for 243 yards as Tampa Bay won the NFC Championship, 27-10. In 2011, McNabb will also lead his team to a loss to the Bucs.

The Colts will fall to 0-2.

The Patriots will again run just enough to set up the passing attack, which will actually include Chad Ochocinco. As he is no longer missing in action, he decides after the game not to rename himself Chuck Norris.

The Rams and Giants will play their game despite missing a combined 67 players to injury.

Despite the Giants’ win over the Rams, New York fans will chant the name of everyone’s favorite backup, Tim Tebow.

With the Ravens coming up in Week 3, the Rams will be forced to endure a week of hearing about the percentage chance 0-3 teams have at making the playoffs and the list of 0-3 teams that bounced back to make the playoffs.

Tom Coughlin’s challenge percentage and streak will move into Ted Williams and Joe DiMaggio territory. Someone on Monday Night Football will go with the overused and unfunny “Tom Coughlin is old but he understands technology” joke.

Teams that were thinking about hiring Todd Haley as offensive coordinator after the season decide to go a different direction after the Chiefs’ offense is shutdown by the Lions.

Detroit fans across the world will break out the team jerseys that have been hidden in their closets the last 10 years.

The Jets, Bills and Patriots are a combined 6-0. The Miami Dolphins are 0-2. One of these teams is not like the others.

The Dolphins are looking into realignment with the BIG EAST, as they feel that would give them a better chance to get into a BCS Bowl. The BIG EAST is excited that Miami is coming back to the fold, until they find out it’s the Dolphins and not the Hurricanes.

After two games, the 2010 NFC Playoff teams will be a combined 6-6. Not to be outdone, the 2010 AFC Playoff teams will also be a combined 6-6.

Denver will rebound and beat Cincinnati, but Bengals fans will feel better about their team’s future than Broncos fans.

A former Rutgers player will be the best player on the field in the Titans – Ravens matchup. But it won’t be Ray Rice. Or Jason McCourty. You were thinking it was going to be Jason McCourty, weren’t you.

Matt Ryan will improve to 21-2 at home in the regular season. Green Bay Packers fans prefer the other side of that statistic, which is that Matt Ryan is 0-1 at home in the playoffs.

Dallas Cowboys receiver Jesse Holley will make a key play down the stretch and then spend 20 minutes with his arms raised to the sky, breaking Michael Irvin’s record of 18 minutes.

Tony Romo will prove his haters wrong by playing through an injury. Tony Romo’s haters will then criticize him for jeopardizing his career by playing through injury.

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