Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Post NFL-Week 7 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

A Pizza Hut commercial starring the football player formerly known as Reggie Bush will include the line, “I can’t believe I’m here with my fantasy football draft pick Reggie Bush.” NFL Fans will add, “I can’t believe anyone was dumb enough to draft Reggie Bush.” NFL Fans’ wives/girlfriends will throw in, “I think he and Kim Kardashian were a cute couple.”

The weakness of this week’s NFL schedule will almost make fans switch over to watch the World Series.


Those fans who do switch over to the World Series will hear the voice of Joe Buck, remember how much they dislike him and switch back to the Seahawks – Browns game, which will keep fans captivated with the classic “will they or won’t they” story line. As in, “will they or won’t they” combine for more than 10 points.

They won’t.

In their game against the Colts, the Saints will also go with the “will they or won’t they” story line, as in “will they or won’t they" post more points in the first quarter alone than 14 teams will in an entire game.

They will.

The Saints will whup Indianapolis so badly that even Steve Spurrier will criticize Sean Payton for running up the score.

John Beck replaces Rex Grossman and will lead the Redskins to a loss against Carolina. Mike Shanahan’s Annual Quarterback Carousel is in full swing!

Christian Ponder will acquit himself well in a loss to the Packers, as he will throw for 219 yards and two touchdowns while keeping the Vikings in the game. Charles Woodson will intercept Ponder twice. Charles Woodson will officially be named Worst Welcome Wagon Ever.

Phillip Rivers will suffer a brain lapse late in the Chargers’ loss to the Jets, throwing the ball out of bounds on fourth down. No confirmation on reports that someone on the Jets' sidelines was heard saying “Confundo” right before Rivers’ errant throw.

The Bears will defeat the Buccaneers in a football game at Wembley Stadium in England. Fans expecting The Beautiful Game will be sorely disappointed, on many levels.

Carson Palmer will make his triumphant return to football, throwing a touchdown pass to Brandon Flowers in the Raiders game against Kansas City.

Unfortunately, Flowers plays for the Chiefs.

After Week 7, Palmer will have thrown 16 touchdowns and 17 interceptions in his last 11 games and his teams will have a combined record of 2-9. The Raiders could end up giving the Bengals two first round draft picks for him. Somewhere, Al Davis still thinks it was a steal.

After Week 7, Tim Tebow detractors will say that he went just 13-of-27 for the game and the Broncos’ offense did nothing for 54:37 minutes.

Tebow supporters will counter with his two touchdown passes, his 85 rushing yards, his successful two-point conversion and, most important, the fact that he led his team to a come-from-behind victory over the Dolphins.

Tebow detractors will scoff and point out that the Dolphins are terrible.

Tebow supporters will agree that the Dolphins are, in fact, terrible.

Afterwards, both groups will go out for scones, because who doesn’t like a nice, warm scone?

Houston will defeat Tennessee to improve to 3-0 against teams with a record of .500 or worse. Unfortunately for the Texans, they are just 1-3 against teams with a record above .500. Fortunately for Houston, they are the only team in their division with a record above .500. Unfortunately for the Texans, they have the worst record of any of the division leaders.

Matt Ryan will play through a tough injury to lead the Falcons to a win over Detroit. After the loss, Atlanta head coach Mike Smith will be very careful while shaking Lions’ head coach Jim Schwartz’s hand. That dude’s got the crazy eyes.

The rematch of Super Bowl XLIII won’t be much of a match, at all, as the Steelers will soundly defeat the Cardinals. Arizona will fall to 1-5 and yet will not be in last place in its division. Thank goodness for St. Louis!

The Dallas Cowboys will ride Tony Romo to victory over the winless Rams. Correction: the Dallas Cowboys will ride Tony Romo’s ability to hand off to DeMarco Murray to victory over the winless Rams.

There will be a rash of back injuries from fantasy owners who keep patting themselves on the back after picking up Murray prior to Week 7.

The Jaguars will prove to the Ravens that in football, just as in cards, four three’s always beats one seven.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Post NFL-Week 6 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

The Packers will remain undefeated.

The Colts will remain defeated.

The Packers are the first Super Bowl winning team since the 2007 Colts to start their next season 6-0. Somewhere, probably in Indiana, Colts fans are remembering those days fondly.

Aaron Rodgers will lead the Packers to 24 points in the first two quarters and then use the second half to practice his acting skills. A source close to Rodgers will divulge that the Green Bay quarterback is hoping to Wally Pipp Peyton Manning out of the commercial business.

Curtis Painter will do everything he can to remain Indianapolis’ backup quarterback in 2012. In a related story, the Colts will lose to the Bengals.

Cincinnati rookie quarterback Andy Dalton will begin his NFL career 4-2. The other two starting rookie quarterbacks will have two wins combined.

The 49ers will defeat the Lions in a battle of surprise teams. Unfortunately, According To Jim will take the spotlight from what will be a great, back-and-forth game. Fortunately, Jim Belushi will not be involved.

For the first time in recorded history, a man will say of another man, “I guess I shook his hand too hard.”

The Steelers will make an easy win over the Jaguars look hard.

The Browns will rush for 65 yards in a loss to the Raiders. After an apparent season-ending injury to Oakland quarterback Jason Campbell, backup Kyle Boller will play so well that the team will mortgage its future for Carson Palmer.

In a loss to the Falcons, Cam Newton will have the worst game of his young NFL career with zero touchdowns, three interceptions and a 44.6 quarterback rating.

Rex Grossman will lead Philadelphia to victory over the Redskins. He will wish he had a 44.6 rating against the Eagles.

Ryan Seacrest is already practicing his opening line for the season’s hot new show: “This……is Redskins Quarterback!”

Going into week 6, the Bears were ranked top five in the NFL in sacks given up and the Vikings were among the league leaders in sacks. So of course, Donovan McNabb will be sacked five times and Jay Cutler will be sacked just once.

The Vikings’ Donovan McNabb era will end with a whimper. Similar to how the Brett Favre era ended. Veteran quarterbacks looking to prolong their NFL careers will make a note to selves: do not sign with the Vikings. Unless they offer money.

The New York Giants will defeat the only team that actually plays in New York, the Buffalo Bills.

The New York Jets will defeat the Dolphins. After the game, Rex Ryan will say, “See? I told you we would win the Super Bowl.”

Rex Ryan isn’t crazy. His mother had him tested.

Ray Rice will out-rush the entire Texans team and Baltimore will beat Houston. The Texans will fall to 3-3 overall, a half-game behind the division leader, the Titans, who are 3-2, marking the worst record for a division leader in the NFL. Ladies and gentlemen, the AFC South!

The Buccaneers will rebound from the shellacking they received from the 49ers and defeat the Saints in a mini-upset. New Orleans head coach Sean Payton will prove that sideline injuries are not just for 84-year old Big Ten coaches.

Tom Brady will prove he’s no Samson by leading the Patriots to victory over the Cowboys despite receiving a haircut before the game.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Post NFL-Week 5 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

The Indianapolis Colts will snatch defeat from the claws of victory.

Two separate leads of 17 points will disappear as the Chefs come back to defeat the PeytonManningless Colts. Matt Cassell and Todd Haley will have apparently kissed and made up. At least for this week.

The Eagles will remain in the media spotlight by losing.

The Bills will remain out of the media spotlight by winning.

Vince Young’s “Dream Team” will be officially renamed “Bad Dream.” The 1992 USA Basketball team will call the 1972 Miami Dolphins to ask how they celebrate when the last undefeated NFL team loses.

The Giants will do what the Giants do best, losing to an inferior team. The Seahawks will do what they do best, winning a game they should never have won.

Victor Cruz’s upcoming book will be called Even More Than Just The Catch. It will be followed by a sequel, Still More Than Just The Catch.

The Seahawks’ Brandon Browner will also write a book, entitled I Got Your Catch Right Here.

Let’s play, The Rookie Game! Three rookies will start for their respective teams in week five. You pick the winner! Rookie A will go 16-of-31 for 224 yards, two touchdowns and one interception. Rookie B will throw for 179 yards along with two touchdowns and one interception on 21-of-33 passing. Rookie C will finish the game 15-of-28 for 221 yards and a touchdown.

Rookie A (Cam Newton) will fall to 1-4 on the season with a loss to the Saints. Rookie C’s (Blaine Gabbert) will also fall to 1-4 after a loss to Rookie B, our winner, Andy Dalton!

In a related story, Dalton’s Cincinnati Bengals will pick up their third win of the season, one more than the other two rookie starting qbs’ wins combined. Somewhere, Carson Palmer is thinking, “I did NOT see this coming.”

New Orleans’ Drew Brees appreciates what Cam Newton had to say about him. Brees will also appreciate the fact that the Panthers defense will allow him to throw for 359 yards and two touchdowns in the Saints’ victory.

After giving up an average of 3.5 sacks per game in their first four contests, the Steelers sign former Steeler offensive lineman Max Starks prior to game five. The result: only one sack by the Titans as Ben Roethlisberger eclipses his season total of touchdown passes (three) with five against Tennessee.

Tebow Time will start in Denver with a roar against the Chargers. Well, not a roar, as the Broncos will lose, but not a whimper either.

Tebow Time will start in Denver with an inquisitive growl.

Broncos fans will be thrilled to find out that Tebow is now their starting quarterback. At least for this week. And probably next week too, as Denver has a bye.

Both the 49ers and Lions will prove their mettle by defeating solid teams in the Buccaneers and the Bears.

After week five, two teams will have scored 48 points in one game. If you had heard prior to the season that those teams would be Detroit and San Francisco, you would have said, “1995 called, it wants its Lions and 49ers back.”

You would have made that joke because you were aware that in 1995, the Lions were first in yards and second in points and the 49ers were first in points and second in yards.

Green Bay will become the first Super Bowl winning team to open its next season 5-0 since the 2007 Colts.
The Packers will also improve to 2-0 in their last two games at Atlanta, including last year’s playoffs. Green Bay will join New Orleans as the only two teams to pin two losses against Matt Ryan at home. This will not stop sports gabbers from bringing up Ryan’s home record every chance they get.

Prior to their game against Arizona, the Vikings will look at their 0-4 record and say, “if only we had a running back who could lead us to victory over the Cardinals by setting season-highs in carries (29), yards (122) and touchdowns (three).” If only, indeed.

BenJarvis Green-Ellis, not Tom Brady, will lead the Patriots to a win over the visiting Jets. After the game, NYJ will rank 26th in the NFL in rushing defense. If it’s any consolation to their fans, the Jets will be 28th in total yards per game after week five.

Al Davis is not quite the Gipper, but the Raiders will win one for him anyway. All of his recent iffy draft picks and free-agent signings will suddenly be looked upon as genius. At least for this week.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Post-NFL Week 4 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

After Week 4, only two teams will be undefeated. They will each have a young quarterback, a solid receiving corps and a hard-hitting, fast and opportunistic defense. One of them will be the defending Super Bowl Champions. The other will be the Lions. That sound you will hear will be so quiet you will be able to hear a pin drop.

The Bills’ win over the Patriots and the fact that a game with the Eagles is looming means Buffalo will fall to the Bengals in a classic trap game. The victory for Cincinnati means that Andy Dalton begins his NFL career 2-2. Raise your hand if you thought Dalton would have the best record of any of the rookie starting quarterbacks. Put your hand down, Andy.

Two NFC East teams will separate themselves from the rest of the division. They will not be the Eagles or the Cowboys.

After Week 4, America’s Dream Team will be a combined 3-5

Tony Romo detractors will finally get off the schneid.

Tony Romo fans will remember the good times when Romo fought through injury to lead his team to victory. Romo detractors refer to that two-week stretch as: “the dark days.”

The 49ers will be in first-place in the NFC West with a 3-1 record after Week 4. They will be the only team in their division to have scored more points than they have given up. Jim Harbaugh will have to think for a minute when asked the question, “which is tougher, the Pac-12 or the NFC West”?

The Cowboys will hold a 24-point lead and lose. The Eagles will hold a 20-point lead and lose. The Jacksonville Jaguars and St. Louis Rams will still be waiting to score 20 points in a game.

After Week 4, the Jaguars will be last in the NFL in scoring, averaging 9.8 points per game. After Week 4, the Jaguars will have the same record as the Philadelphia Eagles.

The Eagles’ decision to make Michael Vick the starter and trade Kevin Kolb to the Cardinals will turn out to be a win for both teams. Literally. After four games, each team will have a win.

Against New Orleans, Jacksonville rookie quarterback Blaine Gabbert will finish with a 51.3 quarterback rating. Unfortunately, the Jaguars will trail St. Louis, Minnesota, Miami and Indianapolis in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. Fortunately for Gabbert, even if the Jaguars get the No. 1 overall pick in next year’s NFL Draft, they probably won’t take Luck. Probably.

The Jets and Ravens will prove the best offense is a good defense.

The defenses of the Jets and Ravens will combine to outscore their combined offenses, 35-13.

Correction: the Jets and Ravens will prove that their best offense IS their defense.

Joe Flacco and Mark Sanchez will combine to go 21-for-66 for 282 yards and two interceptions and four fumbles lost. For the first time in recorded history, the words, “try to play more like Trent Dilfer” will be uttered.

The quarterback formerly known as Matt Cassell will lead the Chiefs to a victory over the Vikings.

Donovan McNabb will play well enough to keep his job, but poorly enough to keep Minnesota winless.

After watching the game, former filmmaker Spike Lee will decide to make a movie based on Kansas City’s head coach, entitled: Todd Haley: Makin’ Friends.

The Falcons will lead by 20-points and hold on to defeat the Seahawks. Seattle fans will take heart that Tavaris Jackson can play well enough for his team to lose only by two.

Arian Foster will return from a hamstring injury to rush for 155 yards and one touchdown as Houston will defeat Pittsburgh. That sound you will hear after the game is millions of fantasy football owners dropping Texans’ backup running back Ben Tate.

The Packers will become the first team since the 2007 Giants to start the next season 4-0 after winning the Super Bowl. Aaron Rodgers’ performance will spark multiple “who is the best quarterback in the NFL today” arguments around the water coolers on Monday. Kyle Orton’s performance…yawn…I’m sorry, what were we talking about?

After getting sacked 13 times in the first three games, Jay Cutler will wise up and ask his former ex Kristin Cavallari for her advice. She recommends that he hand off to that Forte guy. The result will be a career day for Forte and a win for the Bears.

The Miami Dolphins will lose to the Chargers to fall to 0-4. Head coach Tony Sparano still believes his team has a chance to win the AFC East. After an investigation, it is proven that his glasses are not, in fact, “Dolphins-colored.” They’re just prescription.

The Patriots will defeat the Raiders in the Black Hole. The “eff-you” mentality will be key in New England’s dominant victory. That, and two Jason Campbell interceptions.

Patriots’ defensive lineman Vince Wilfork will pick off his second pass of the season. Chris Berman will be able to rest easy, knowing that he has his “rumbling, bumbling, stumbling” highlight. Now, if only he can throw in a “back, back, back, back, gone!” somewhere...

Curtis Painter will have his best game as an NFL quarterback in the Colts’ loss to the Buccaneers. Painter’s performance will not make Indy fans forget about Peyton Manning. Or Andrew Luck. But his performance will make Indy fans forget about that Kerry guy.