Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Post-NFL Week 4 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

After Week 4, only two teams will be undefeated. They will each have a young quarterback, a solid receiving corps and a hard-hitting, fast and opportunistic defense. One of them will be the defending Super Bowl Champions. The other will be the Lions. That sound you will hear will be so quiet you will be able to hear a pin drop.

The Bills’ win over the Patriots and the fact that a game with the Eagles is looming means Buffalo will fall to the Bengals in a classic trap game. The victory for Cincinnati means that Andy Dalton begins his NFL career 2-2. Raise your hand if you thought Dalton would have the best record of any of the rookie starting quarterbacks. Put your hand down, Andy.

Two NFC East teams will separate themselves from the rest of the division. They will not be the Eagles or the Cowboys.

After Week 4, America’s Dream Team will be a combined 3-5

Tony Romo detractors will finally get off the schneid.

Tony Romo fans will remember the good times when Romo fought through injury to lead his team to victory. Romo detractors refer to that two-week stretch as: “the dark days.”

The 49ers will be in first-place in the NFC West with a 3-1 record after Week 4. They will be the only team in their division to have scored more points than they have given up. Jim Harbaugh will have to think for a minute when asked the question, “which is tougher, the Pac-12 or the NFC West”?

The Cowboys will hold a 24-point lead and lose. The Eagles will hold a 20-point lead and lose. The Jacksonville Jaguars and St. Louis Rams will still be waiting to score 20 points in a game.

After Week 4, the Jaguars will be last in the NFL in scoring, averaging 9.8 points per game. After Week 4, the Jaguars will have the same record as the Philadelphia Eagles.

The Eagles’ decision to make Michael Vick the starter and trade Kevin Kolb to the Cardinals will turn out to be a win for both teams. Literally. After four games, each team will have a win.

Against New Orleans, Jacksonville rookie quarterback Blaine Gabbert will finish with a 51.3 quarterback rating. Unfortunately, the Jaguars will trail St. Louis, Minnesota, Miami and Indianapolis in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. Fortunately for Gabbert, even if the Jaguars get the No. 1 overall pick in next year’s NFL Draft, they probably won’t take Luck. Probably.

The Jets and Ravens will prove the best offense is a good defense.

The defenses of the Jets and Ravens will combine to outscore their combined offenses, 35-13.

Correction: the Jets and Ravens will prove that their best offense IS their defense.

Joe Flacco and Mark Sanchez will combine to go 21-for-66 for 282 yards and two interceptions and four fumbles lost. For the first time in recorded history, the words, “try to play more like Trent Dilfer” will be uttered.

The quarterback formerly known as Matt Cassell will lead the Chiefs to a victory over the Vikings.

Donovan McNabb will play well enough to keep his job, but poorly enough to keep Minnesota winless.

After watching the game, former filmmaker Spike Lee will decide to make a movie based on Kansas City’s head coach, entitled: Todd Haley: Makin’ Friends.

The Falcons will lead by 20-points and hold on to defeat the Seahawks. Seattle fans will take heart that Tavaris Jackson can play well enough for his team to lose only by two.

Arian Foster will return from a hamstring injury to rush for 155 yards and one touchdown as Houston will defeat Pittsburgh. That sound you will hear after the game is millions of fantasy football owners dropping Texans’ backup running back Ben Tate.

The Packers will become the first team since the 2007 Giants to start the next season 4-0 after winning the Super Bowl. Aaron Rodgers’ performance will spark multiple “who is the best quarterback in the NFL today” arguments around the water coolers on Monday. Kyle Orton’s performance…yawn…I’m sorry, what were we talking about?

After getting sacked 13 times in the first three games, Jay Cutler will wise up and ask his former ex Kristin Cavallari for her advice. She recommends that he hand off to that Forte guy. The result will be a career day for Forte and a win for the Bears.

The Miami Dolphins will lose to the Chargers to fall to 0-4. Head coach Tony Sparano still believes his team has a chance to win the AFC East. After an investigation, it is proven that his glasses are not, in fact, “Dolphins-colored.” They’re just prescription.

The Patriots will defeat the Raiders in the Black Hole. The “eff-you” mentality will be key in New England’s dominant victory. That, and two Jason Campbell interceptions.

Patriots’ defensive lineman Vince Wilfork will pick off his second pass of the season. Chris Berman will be able to rest easy, knowing that he has his “rumbling, bumbling, stumbling” highlight. Now, if only he can throw in a “back, back, back, back, gone!” somewhere...

Curtis Painter will have his best game as an NFL quarterback in the Colts’ loss to the Buccaneers. Painter’s performance will not make Indy fans forget about Peyton Manning. Or Andrew Luck. But his performance will make Indy fans forget about that Kerry guy.

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