Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Post NFL-Week 5 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

The Indianapolis Colts will snatch defeat from the claws of victory.

Two separate leads of 17 points will disappear as the Chefs come back to defeat the PeytonManningless Colts. Matt Cassell and Todd Haley will have apparently kissed and made up. At least for this week.

The Eagles will remain in the media spotlight by losing.

The Bills will remain out of the media spotlight by winning.

Vince Young’s “Dream Team” will be officially renamed “Bad Dream.” The 1992 USA Basketball team will call the 1972 Miami Dolphins to ask how they celebrate when the last undefeated NFL team loses.

The Giants will do what the Giants do best, losing to an inferior team. The Seahawks will do what they do best, winning a game they should never have won.

Victor Cruz’s upcoming book will be called Even More Than Just The Catch. It will be followed by a sequel, Still More Than Just The Catch.

The Seahawks’ Brandon Browner will also write a book, entitled I Got Your Catch Right Here.

Let’s play, The Rookie Game! Three rookies will start for their respective teams in week five. You pick the winner! Rookie A will go 16-of-31 for 224 yards, two touchdowns and one interception. Rookie B will throw for 179 yards along with two touchdowns and one interception on 21-of-33 passing. Rookie C will finish the game 15-of-28 for 221 yards and a touchdown.

Rookie A (Cam Newton) will fall to 1-4 on the season with a loss to the Saints. Rookie C’s (Blaine Gabbert) will also fall to 1-4 after a loss to Rookie B, our winner, Andy Dalton!

In a related story, Dalton’s Cincinnati Bengals will pick up their third win of the season, one more than the other two rookie starting qbs’ wins combined. Somewhere, Carson Palmer is thinking, “I did NOT see this coming.”

New Orleans’ Drew Brees appreciates what Cam Newton had to say about him. Brees will also appreciate the fact that the Panthers defense will allow him to throw for 359 yards and two touchdowns in the Saints’ victory.

After giving up an average of 3.5 sacks per game in their first four contests, the Steelers sign former Steeler offensive lineman Max Starks prior to game five. The result: only one sack by the Titans as Ben Roethlisberger eclipses his season total of touchdown passes (three) with five against Tennessee.

Tebow Time will start in Denver with a roar against the Chargers. Well, not a roar, as the Broncos will lose, but not a whimper either.

Tebow Time will start in Denver with an inquisitive growl.

Broncos fans will be thrilled to find out that Tebow is now their starting quarterback. At least for this week. And probably next week too, as Denver has a bye.

Both the 49ers and Lions will prove their mettle by defeating solid teams in the Buccaneers and the Bears.

After week five, two teams will have scored 48 points in one game. If you had heard prior to the season that those teams would be Detroit and San Francisco, you would have said, “1995 called, it wants its Lions and 49ers back.”

You would have made that joke because you were aware that in 1995, the Lions were first in yards and second in points and the 49ers were first in points and second in yards.

Green Bay will become the first Super Bowl winning team to open its next season 5-0 since the 2007 Colts.
The Packers will also improve to 2-0 in their last two games at Atlanta, including last year’s playoffs. Green Bay will join New Orleans as the only two teams to pin two losses against Matt Ryan at home. This will not stop sports gabbers from bringing up Ryan’s home record every chance they get.

Prior to their game against Arizona, the Vikings will look at their 0-4 record and say, “if only we had a running back who could lead us to victory over the Cardinals by setting season-highs in carries (29), yards (122) and touchdowns (three).” If only, indeed.

BenJarvis Green-Ellis, not Tom Brady, will lead the Patriots to a win over the visiting Jets. After the game, NYJ will rank 26th in the NFL in rushing defense. If it’s any consolation to their fans, the Jets will be 28th in total yards per game after week five.

Al Davis is not quite the Gipper, but the Raiders will win one for him anyway. All of his recent iffy draft picks and free-agent signings will suddenly be looked upon as genius. At least for this week.

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