Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Post NFL-Week 6 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

The Packers will remain undefeated.

The Colts will remain defeated.

The Packers are the first Super Bowl winning team since the 2007 Colts to start their next season 6-0. Somewhere, probably in Indiana, Colts fans are remembering those days fondly.

Aaron Rodgers will lead the Packers to 24 points in the first two quarters and then use the second half to practice his acting skills. A source close to Rodgers will divulge that the Green Bay quarterback is hoping to Wally Pipp Peyton Manning out of the commercial business.

Curtis Painter will do everything he can to remain Indianapolis’ backup quarterback in 2012. In a related story, the Colts will lose to the Bengals.

Cincinnati rookie quarterback Andy Dalton will begin his NFL career 4-2. The other two starting rookie quarterbacks will have two wins combined.

The 49ers will defeat the Lions in a battle of surprise teams. Unfortunately, According To Jim will take the spotlight from what will be a great, back-and-forth game. Fortunately, Jim Belushi will not be involved.

For the first time in recorded history, a man will say of another man, “I guess I shook his hand too hard.”

The Steelers will make an easy win over the Jaguars look hard.

The Browns will rush for 65 yards in a loss to the Raiders. After an apparent season-ending injury to Oakland quarterback Jason Campbell, backup Kyle Boller will play so well that the team will mortgage its future for Carson Palmer.

In a loss to the Falcons, Cam Newton will have the worst game of his young NFL career with zero touchdowns, three interceptions and a 44.6 quarterback rating.

Rex Grossman will lead Philadelphia to victory over the Redskins. He will wish he had a 44.6 rating against the Eagles.

Ryan Seacrest is already practicing his opening line for the season’s hot new show: “This……is Redskins Quarterback!”

Going into week 6, the Bears were ranked top five in the NFL in sacks given up and the Vikings were among the league leaders in sacks. So of course, Donovan McNabb will be sacked five times and Jay Cutler will be sacked just once.

The Vikings’ Donovan McNabb era will end with a whimper. Similar to how the Brett Favre era ended. Veteran quarterbacks looking to prolong their NFL careers will make a note to selves: do not sign with the Vikings. Unless they offer money.

The New York Giants will defeat the only team that actually plays in New York, the Buffalo Bills.

The New York Jets will defeat the Dolphins. After the game, Rex Ryan will say, “See? I told you we would win the Super Bowl.”

Rex Ryan isn’t crazy. His mother had him tested.

Ray Rice will out-rush the entire Texans team and Baltimore will beat Houston. The Texans will fall to 3-3 overall, a half-game behind the division leader, the Titans, who are 3-2, marking the worst record for a division leader in the NFL. Ladies and gentlemen, the AFC South!

The Buccaneers will rebound from the shellacking they received from the 49ers and defeat the Saints in a mini-upset. New Orleans head coach Sean Payton will prove that sideline injuries are not just for 84-year old Big Ten coaches.

Tom Brady will prove he’s no Samson by leading the Patriots to victory over the Cowboys despite receiving a haircut before the game.

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