Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Post NFL-Week 7 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

A Pizza Hut commercial starring the football player formerly known as Reggie Bush will include the line, “I can’t believe I’m here with my fantasy football draft pick Reggie Bush.” NFL Fans will add, “I can’t believe anyone was dumb enough to draft Reggie Bush.” NFL Fans’ wives/girlfriends will throw in, “I think he and Kim Kardashian were a cute couple.”

The weakness of this week’s NFL schedule will almost make fans switch over to watch the World Series.


Those fans who do switch over to the World Series will hear the voice of Joe Buck, remember how much they dislike him and switch back to the Seahawks – Browns game, which will keep fans captivated with the classic “will they or won’t they” story line. As in, “will they or won’t they” combine for more than 10 points.

They won’t.

In their game against the Colts, the Saints will also go with the “will they or won’t they” story line, as in “will they or won’t they" post more points in the first quarter alone than 14 teams will in an entire game.

They will.

The Saints will whup Indianapolis so badly that even Steve Spurrier will criticize Sean Payton for running up the score.

John Beck replaces Rex Grossman and will lead the Redskins to a loss against Carolina. Mike Shanahan’s Annual Quarterback Carousel is in full swing!

Christian Ponder will acquit himself well in a loss to the Packers, as he will throw for 219 yards and two touchdowns while keeping the Vikings in the game. Charles Woodson will intercept Ponder twice. Charles Woodson will officially be named Worst Welcome Wagon Ever.

Phillip Rivers will suffer a brain lapse late in the Chargers’ loss to the Jets, throwing the ball out of bounds on fourth down. No confirmation on reports that someone on the Jets' sidelines was heard saying “Confundo” right before Rivers’ errant throw.

The Bears will defeat the Buccaneers in a football game at Wembley Stadium in England. Fans expecting The Beautiful Game will be sorely disappointed, on many levels.

Carson Palmer will make his triumphant return to football, throwing a touchdown pass to Brandon Flowers in the Raiders game against Kansas City.

Unfortunately, Flowers plays for the Chiefs.

After Week 7, Palmer will have thrown 16 touchdowns and 17 interceptions in his last 11 games and his teams will have a combined record of 2-9. The Raiders could end up giving the Bengals two first round draft picks for him. Somewhere, Al Davis still thinks it was a steal.

After Week 7, Tim Tebow detractors will say that he went just 13-of-27 for the game and the Broncos’ offense did nothing for 54:37 minutes.

Tebow supporters will counter with his two touchdown passes, his 85 rushing yards, his successful two-point conversion and, most important, the fact that he led his team to a come-from-behind victory over the Dolphins.

Tebow detractors will scoff and point out that the Dolphins are terrible.

Tebow supporters will agree that the Dolphins are, in fact, terrible.

Afterwards, both groups will go out for scones, because who doesn’t like a nice, warm scone?

Houston will defeat Tennessee to improve to 3-0 against teams with a record of .500 or worse. Unfortunately for the Texans, they are just 1-3 against teams with a record above .500. Fortunately for Houston, they are the only team in their division with a record above .500. Unfortunately for the Texans, they have the worst record of any of the division leaders.

Matt Ryan will play through a tough injury to lead the Falcons to a win over Detroit. After the loss, Atlanta head coach Mike Smith will be very careful while shaking Lions’ head coach Jim Schwartz’s hand. That dude’s got the crazy eyes.

The rematch of Super Bowl XLIII won’t be much of a match, at all, as the Steelers will soundly defeat the Cardinals. Arizona will fall to 1-5 and yet will not be in last place in its division. Thank goodness for St. Louis!

The Dallas Cowboys will ride Tony Romo to victory over the winless Rams. Correction: the Dallas Cowboys will ride Tony Romo’s ability to hand off to DeMarco Murray to victory over the winless Rams.

There will be a rash of back injuries from fantasy owners who keep patting themselves on the back after picking up Murray prior to Week 7.

The Jaguars will prove to the Ravens that in football, just as in cards, four three’s always beats one seven.

No comments: