Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games
All over America, people will celebrate Thanksgiving by watching football. And eating. But mostly watching football.
FOXNews will at first be upset that football and eating are No. 1 and 2 on the “list of things to do on Thanksgiving,” until they are reminded that watching football and eating are each inherently American activities.
The Packers will hand the Lions their third-straight loss. Ndamukong Suh will be suspended for two games after he breaks into his “win dance,” which is illegal under the new collective bargaining agreement.
The spirit of Leon Lett will live on as a fumble will be the key play in a Thanksgiving Day game between the Cowboys and Dolphins. Unfortunately for Miami, Lett won’t be around to help set up a gimme field-goal attempt with seconds remaining in the game.
John will be the winner of the Har-bowl as the Ravens will end the 49ers’ eight-game winning streak. The Ravens will improve to 7-1 against teams with a winning record and 1-2 against teams with losing records.
Fortunately for the Ravens, teams with losing records do not make the postseason. At least, not this year.
Bills receiver Stevie Johnson will find out exactly what karma can do in the Bills’ loss to the Jets. The NFL gods frown upon attempted humor in touchdown celebrations. Just ask Chad Ochocinco. That dude is still paying for his dancing transgressions.
Andy Dalton will pick up his seventh win as a rookie starting quarterback in leading the Bengals to a victory over the Browns.
The Browns will fall to 0-2 in the division. Both losses will have been to the Bengals. The Browns will still have to face Baltimore and Pittsburgh twice. The NFL gods do not like Cleveland. Neither does Joakim Noah.
Speaking of karma and the NFL gods, Matt Leinart will suffer a season-ending injury after playing well early in Houston’s win over Jacksonville.
Atlanta quarterback Matt Ryan will have his first game this season with multiple touchdown passes and no interceptions in the Falcons’ win over Minnesota.
Falcons running back Michael Turner will finish four yards shy of out-rushing the entire Vikings team. Which would be impressive if it weren’t for the fact that Minnesota will rush for a mere 64 yards.
The NFC West will break the record for “divisional games that nobody cares about, not even the fans of the teams involved” when the Arizona Patrick Petersons defeat the Rams. I would tell you what the record is but frankly, nobody cares.
The Titans will defeat Tampa Bay to maintain their 4-1 record against teams with a sub-.500 record, thanks to the Broncos’ five-game winning streak.
In a related story, after Week 12, Tebowing will officially mean “winning ugly,” with the key word being “winning.”
The Redskins will end their six-game losing streak with a win over the Seahawks. Three of Washington’s four wins will be against the NFC West. Mike Shanahan will immediately petition the NFL to allow the Redskins to change divisions.
The Bears will fall to 0-1 without Jay Cutler. Sebastian Janikowski will make good on all six of his field goals to prove that he can carry a team, which isn’t much of a surprise, as he weighs 250 pounds.
Before Pittsburgh’s game against the Chiefs, Ben Roethlisberger will claim that he can beat Kansas City with one hand. This statement will not be smack talk, just facts, as he will be playing with a broken thumb on his throwing hand.
After the game, Chiefs quarterback Tyler Palko will wish he had a broken thumb to blame for his three interceptions.
The Panthers will end their 12-game road-losing streak while extending the Colts’ overall losing streak to 12 games, dating back to last year’s playoffs.
Indianapolis will fire their defensive coordinator and demote their second-string quarterback, going with the argument that their main problems this season will have been quarterback play and defense.
The Colts will be half right, but the way they handle the situation will be all wrong.
The Patriots will dominate the Eagles from start to finish. Giants fans will wonder where the team that beat New England was against Philadelphia.
One day later in New Orleans, Giants fans will wonder where the team was, period.