Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Post NFL-Week 12 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

All over America, people will celebrate Thanksgiving by watching football. And eating. But mostly watching football.

FOXNews will at first be upset that football and eating are No. 1 and 2 on the “list of things to do on Thanksgiving,” until they are reminded that watching football and eating are each inherently American activities.

The Packers will hand the Lions their third-straight loss. Ndamukong Suh will be suspended for two games after he breaks into his “win dance,” which is illegal under the new collective bargaining agreement.

The spirit of Leon Lett will live on as a fumble will be the key play in a Thanksgiving Day game between the Cowboys and Dolphins. Unfortunately for Miami, Lett won’t be around to help set up a gimme field-goal attempt with seconds remaining in the game.

John will be the winner of the Har-bowl as the Ravens will end the 49ers’ eight-game winning streak. The Ravens will improve to 7-1 against teams with a winning record and 1-2 against teams with losing records.

Fortunately for the Ravens, teams with losing records do not make the postseason. At least, not this year.

Bills receiver Stevie Johnson will find out exactly what karma can do in the Bills’ loss to the Jets. The NFL gods frown upon attempted humor in touchdown celebrations. Just ask Chad Ochocinco. That dude is still paying for his dancing transgressions.

Andy Dalton will pick up his seventh win as a rookie starting quarterback in leading the Bengals to a victory over the Browns.

The Browns will fall to 0-2 in the division. Both losses will have been to the Bengals. The Browns will still have to face Baltimore and Pittsburgh twice. The NFL gods do not like Cleveland. Neither does Joakim Noah.

Speaking of karma and the NFL gods, Matt Leinart will suffer a season-ending injury after playing well early in Houston’s win over Jacksonville.

Atlanta quarterback Matt Ryan will have his first game this season with multiple touchdown passes and no interceptions in the Falcons’ win over Minnesota.

Falcons running back Michael Turner will finish four yards shy of out-rushing the entire Vikings team. Which would be impressive if it weren’t for the fact that Minnesota will rush for a mere 64 yards.

The NFC West will break the record for “divisional games that nobody cares about, not even the fans of the teams involved” when the Arizona Patrick Petersons defeat the Rams. I would tell you what the record is but frankly, nobody cares.

The Titans will defeat Tampa Bay to maintain their 4-1 record against teams with a sub-.500 record, thanks to the Broncos’ five-game winning streak.

In a related story, after Week 12, Tebowing will officially mean “winning ugly,” with the key word being “winning.”

The Redskins will end their six-game losing streak with a win over the Seahawks. Three of Washington’s four wins will be against the NFC West. Mike Shanahan will immediately petition the NFL to allow the Redskins to change divisions.

The Bears will fall to 0-1 without Jay Cutler. Sebastian Janikowski will make good on all six of his field goals to prove that he can carry a team, which isn’t much of a surprise, as he weighs 250 pounds.

Before Pittsburgh’s game against the Chiefs, Ben Roethlisberger will claim that he can beat Kansas City with one hand. This statement will not be smack talk, just facts, as he will be playing with a broken thumb on his throwing hand.

After the game, Chiefs quarterback Tyler Palko will wish he had a broken thumb to blame for his three interceptions.

The Panthers will end their 12-game road-losing streak while extending the Colts’ overall losing streak to 12 games, dating back to last year’s playoffs.

Indianapolis will fire their defensive coordinator and demote their second-string quarterback, going with the argument that their main problems this season will have been quarterback play and defense.

The Colts will be half right, but the way they handle the situation will be all wrong.

The Patriots will dominate the Eagles from start to finish. Giants fans will wonder where the team that beat New England was against Philadelphia.

One day later in New Orleans, Giants fans will wonder where the team was, period.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Post NFL-Week 11 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

After week 11, three teams will be on a five-game winning streak. They will all be from the NFC. Two of them will be in the NFC North. The third will be the 49ers.

The Jets will get Tebowed on Thursday night. Tim Tebow will improve to 4-1 as a starter. The Broncos’ strategy of publicly scouting potential quarterbacks to draft in order to motivate Tebow and the Broncos to keep playing well will continue to pay off.

Revis will get so bored by Tebow that he will allow Tebow to run right by him on the Broncos’ gamewinning drive.

Baltimore will hold off a pesky Bengals team to stay ahead of the Steelers in the AFC North. The Bengals will be 6-2 against all teams not Pittsburgh or Baltimore. Unfortunately for Team Marvin Lewis, they still have games remaining against both teams.

Cleveland will beat Jacksonville in the Ben Folds Five Battle Of Who Could Care Less Bowl.

Jacksonville’s 3-7 record after Week 11 would tie for the worst record in the conference, if it wasn’t for those darn Colts, who are 0-10.

Indianapolis would be 0-11 after Week 11, but luckily for the Colts, the Bye is not recognized as a legitimate opponent by the NFL.

Detroit will tell Carolina, “nyah, nyah, my Number 1 overall pick from an SEC school is better than your Number 1 overall pick from an SEC school.”

The SEC: Where Number 1 overall picks happen.

Warren Sapp and Brett Favre will place a friendly wager on the Green Bay – Tampa Bay game, with the loser forced to text pictures of himself to the winner. Fortunately for Brett, Green Bay will win to improve to 10-0.

Miami will continue to distance itself from its Luck-y day with a dominant win over Buffalo.

Buffalo and Miami will continue to travel in opposite directions, as the Dolphins will win their third-straight while the Bills will lose their third-straight.

Carson Palmer will lead the Raiders to their second non-divisional road win of 2011, which will be two more non-divisional road wins than Oakland got in all of 2010.

Keeping with the history of the relationship between early settlers and Native Americans, the Cowboys will destroy the Redskins’…already slim chances of making the playoffs.

After the game, Redskins quarterback DeAngelo Hall will tell the team to cut him because of his poor play. Seeing this as merely a ploy to get off a sinking ship, Washington will not oblige him.

The 49ers will improve to 9-1, which would be the best record in the NFL, if it weren’t for those darn Packers.

Cardinals fans clamoring for John Skelton to be named the permanent starting quarterback will be reminded why he is the backup.

Completing just 6-of-19 passes for 99 yards and three interceptions will do that to you.

Backup to the backup Richard Bartel will play well in relief, leading Cardinals fans to ask for him to be named the permanent starting quarterback.

If Seattle and St. Louis play each other and a berth to the playoffs is not on the line, will anyone care?

The short answer: no.

The long answer: not one bit.

After Week 10’s 130-yard performance, Titans’ running back Chris Johnson will return to the player he once was.

Johnson will rush for 13 yards on 12 carries in a loss to Atlanta, returning to his early 2011-form when he rushed for 24 yards against Jacksonville, 21 against Denver, 18 against Houston and 34 against Indy.

The good news: Chicago will defeat San Diego.

The bad news: Jay Cutler will suffer a possible season-ending thumb injury in the win.

The good news: Cutler will have more time to spend with Kristin Cavallari.

The bad news: Cutler will have more time to spend with Kristin Cavallari.

Statisticians will successfully jinx the New York Giants with their “Eagles have lost five games after leading in the fourth quarter” and their “Giants have won four after trailing in the fourth quarter.” The Eagles will hold on to one of their fourth-quarter leads to defeat their NFC East opponent and move two games behind Dallas and New York.

Kansas City will score in single digits for the fourth time this season. New England will surpass 30 points for the sixth time this season. This will not be a recipe for victory for the Chefs.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Post NFL-Week 10 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those game

The Eagles’ Dream Team Nightmare season will continue with a late loss to Arizona.

Adding insult to injury, the Cardinals will win with their backup quarterback. 

On the road.

On the plus side, the Eagles’ nightmare will continue to be everyone else’s dream.

The quarterback formerly known as Carson Palmer will finally play like the quarterback formerly known as Carson Palmer while leading the Raiders to a win over San Diego with more touchdowns than interceptions for the first time since last December, when he led the Bengals to a win over the Chargers.

After Week 10, Palmer will have three wins in his past 13 games. Two of them will be against San Diego.

The second-highest rusher for the Raiders will pick up 39 yards on the ground.

He will out-rush the best rusher for the Chargers.

If at all possible, the winless Colts will sink to yet another low in their loss to the Jaguars, benching third-string quarterback Curtis Painter for fourth-string quarterback (and Safety Dance fan) Dan Orlovsky.

Atlanta head coach Mike Smith will channel his inner-Belichick and fail on a fourth down attempt at his own 29 in an overtime loss to the Saints.

Drew Brees will then channel his inner-Peyton and lead his team to victory.

Baltimore will fall to 0-2 in games following wins over the Steelers.

The combined record of the two teams to beat the Ravens after they beat the Steelers will be 8-10.

The Giants will suffer a tough loss to the 49ers, falling to 2-2 against the NFC West. Victor Cruz will be told by Manning after the game, “they’re not saying ‘boo,’ they’re saying ‘Cruuuuz.’”

The Giants’ two wins over NFC West opponents will be more than that of Seattle (one), Arizona (one) and St. Louis (zero). Good thing those teams don’t play in the NFC West.

The 49ers will improve to 8-1 with their win over the Giants. The 49ers will have their best record after nine games since 1997, when they also started 8-1.

That year, they finished tied with Green Bay for the best record in the NFC and the Packers defeated San Francisco in the NFC Championship.

In a related story, the Packers will have no problem dispatching the Vikings to improve to 9-0. More and more wives and girlfriends will start to notice Aaron Rodgers and how “cute” he is.

Thus will begin Rodgers’ trip to becoming disliked by the average fan, a la Jeter and Brady. The model girlfriend is next.

The Dolphins will hand Mike Shanahan’s Redskins their fifth-consecutive loss, the longest losing streak in Shanahan’s coaching career.

Reggie Bush will continue his attempt to get back with Kim Kardashian by rushing for a season-high two touchdowns. Since hearing about Kardashian’s marriage troubles, Bush will have 62 carries for 355 yards (5.7 average) and three touchdowns along with 15 receptions for 82 yards in his past five games.

Most people get drunk and drive by their ex’s house at three in the morning to express their love. Reggie Bush just goes on an impressive offensive streak.

The good news for Houston: it will easily handle the Buccaneers to improve to 7-3, the best record in the AFC.

The bad news for Houston: it will now have to rely on Matt Leinart (he of the 70.8 career quarterback rating) to reach the playoffs for the first time in team history.

After Week 10, Tampa Bay will have given up 163 points in its five losses, compared to 70 in its four wins, proving, once and for all, that teams need to outscore their opponents to win games.

Tim Tebow will complete two passes against the Chiefs. For 69 yards. And the Broncos will win.

Which doesn’t say much for Tebow.

But it really doesn’t say much for the Chiefs.

Shades of Super Bowl XXVII as the Cowboys will romp over the Bills.

Unfortunately, Leon Lett will not be around to make a bone-headed play that will be mocked for eternity.

Fortunately, he made two such plays during his career.

The Rams will score 13 points for the second straight game. Usually not a recipe for success, unless you are facing the Browns, who will muster only 12.

Pittsburgh will hold off those pesky Bengals by a touchdown. Steelers will complain about Andy Dalton’s red hair being a distraction. Bengals will merely point to No. 43 in black and yellow.

The Titans will improve to 4-1 against teams with a record under .500, defeating the Panthers. As an added bonus, Chris Johnson will finally end his hold-out before the game and make a triumphant return with 130 yards on 27 carries and a touchdown.

What’s that you say? He’s been playing the entire season? I don’t believe you.

Chicago’s offense will account for one touchdown and three field goals and its quarterback will complete under 50 percent of his passes, but it won’t matter, as Devin Hester and the Bears’ defense will take care of Detroit.

Matthew Stafford will throw to the Bears four times, including two for touchdowns, giving Stafford a quarterback rating of 158.3.

If only Matthew Stafford played for the Bears.

New England will use its patented “no one expects us to win; everyone is down on us; let’s prove them wrong” plan to perfection, battering the Jets in New Jersey.

One New Jersey team will be 0-2 against the Patriots this season. The other is already 1-0.  You would not believe me if I told you which team was which.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Post NFL-Week 9 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those gam

After waking up from a nightmare after Week 8, Philadelphia’s loss to the Bears will make Eagles’ opponents realize Week 8 was just a bad dream.

On the bright side for the Eagles, LeSean McCoy will take over the top spot in the rushing yards category. Unfortunately for the Eagles, McCoy will cement his status as “first-overall-pick-in-2012-who-will-then-have-a-disappointing-season.”

In a related story, Titans running back Chris Johnson will record his second-highest rushing total this season: 64 yards.

After Week 9, Johnson will rank 34th in the NFL with 45.8 yards per game.

Among the many players ahead of him will be none other than Tim Tebow (46.2 yards per game).

Tebow will rush for a career-best 118 yards in a win over the Raiders while he improves his record as a starting quarterback to 3-3. After the game, he will have six touchdowns against just one interception.

Which is more than what can be said for Carson Palmer, who will throw three interceptions against the Broncos to give him 19 touchdowns and 20 picks in his last 12 games with his teams posting a combined record of 2-10. Somewhere, Hue Jackson is updating his resume.

Andy Dalton will lead the Bengals to a victory over Tennessee, giving Dalton a 6-2 record to start his career. His fellow starting rookie quarterbacks Cam Newton (two wins), Christian Ponder (one win) and Blaine Gabbert (one win) will use their bye week to find just the right shade of red to dye their hair.

After watching LSU and Alabama combine for six points in the first half of their slugfest, the two New Jersey teams decide, anything college football can do, pro football can do better.

The Jets will go into halftime with a 3-0 lead over Buffalo. The Giants and Patriots will finish the first two quarters with nary a point.

Both New Jersey teams will go on to record wins against their AFC East opponents. The Giants will improve to 3-0 against the AFC East. In a flashback to Super Bowl XLIV, Eli Manning will throw a desperation pass to No. 85 who will make a great catch to keep the gamewinning drive alive. A clothing company’s attempt to make money off the win falls flat when nobody buys their “5-3” t-shirts.
In a classic Baltimore-Pittsburgh slugfest, Joe Flacco and Ben Roethlisberger will combine to throw for over 600 yards.

It will be the first time since Dec. 29, 2002 that a quarterback from either team throws for over 300 yards against the other (Jeff Blake, Baltimore), and the first time since before the Ravens became the Ravens that both quarterbacks throw for over 300 yards.

Some will say that this ain’t your daddy’s Baltimore-Pittsburgh slugfest.

Yet somehow, strangely, it is.

Chiefs head coach Todd Haley will decide that his seat is too cold. A beatdown by the previously-winless Dolphins in Kansas City will heat that up nicely.

Both Ben Tate and Arian Foster will go over the century mark in rushing yards in the Texans’ win over Cleveland. Tennessee will wish that its two running backs would at least combine for 100 yards.

DeMarco Murray will officially “Wally Pipp” Felix Jones as the Cowboys will defeat the Seahawks. Fantasy Owners who picked up Murray will take a minute to congratulate themselves.

Ok, we’re back.

The 49ers will defeat the Redskins, which would be much more impressive if Washington wasn’t on a three-game losing streak coming into the contest. Before the game, Mike Shanahan will go to a tanning salon and ask for a “John Boehner.”

Green Bay will hold off San Diego to improve to 8-0, the first Super Bowl winning team to open the next season 8-0 since Denver in 1998. That season, the Broncos’ first loss came at the hands of the New York Giants on Dec. 13. The 2011 Packers will face the Giants on Dec. 4. Somewhere, Kent Graham is warming up.

It will take overtime for 1-6 Arizona to defeat 1-6 St. Louis. Ladies and Gentlemen, the NFC West!

Unfortunately for the Colts, they will lose, again, this time to Atlanta.

Fortunately for the Colts, they will be the only winless team in the NFL.

Unfortunately for the Colts, Luck will have nothing to do with that.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Post NFL-Week 8 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Against the Cowboys, the Eagles will play like the Dream Team Vince Young purported them to be.  After Sunday night, the rest of their opponents will start having nightmares.

Three teams shall enter Week 8 without a victory. Two will remain that way after Week 8. There can be only one…Winless.

Team 1 has good receivers but no one to throw them the ball. Team 2 has no receivers and no quarterback to throw them the ball. Team 3 finally has a receiver but its starting quarterback can’t throw him the ball (because of a high ankle sprain).

If you guessed Team 3, you are correct! Recently traded for receiver Brandon Lloyd will show just how bad the other Rams receivers are by leading St. Louis in receptions, receiving yards and receiving touchdowns in his first game with the team. Backup qb AJ Feeley will pick up his first win since the 2007 season and St. Louis will defeat the Saints to pick up their first victory of the season.

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa will retire immediately after the game, recognizing that helping the Rams to a victory is an achievement he will never be able to surpass.

Rams head coach Steve Spagnuolo will point out to his team that the St. Louis Cardinals were 10.5 games out of a Wild Card spot with five weeks to play and they went on to win the World Series, so being five games back with 10 weeks to play is nothing. His motivational tool successful, Spagnuolo's Rams will go out and surprise the Saints.

Unfortunately for Spagnuolo, Tony Bennett will take down Ian Hunter to maintain his five-game lead over the Rams.

That is to say, the NFC West-leading San Francisco 49ers will improve to 6-1 with a victory over Cleveland. SF will match last year’s wins total with nine games to play.

The Colts (Team 1) will remain winless after getting blown out by Tennessee. The Titans thank their lucky stars they are in the AFC South. Four games against Jacksonville (2-6) and Indy (0-8)?! Sign me up!

The Titans’ Chris Johnson (14 carries, 34 yards) will be outrushed by Javon Ringer (14 carries, 60 yards). Which wouldn’t be a big deal except that Ringer is also a Titan. Ringer is already planning to hold out for 53.5 million next training camp.

Unfortunately for the Giants, they will do what they always do: play poorly after the bye week. Fortunately for New York, its Week 8 opponent is Miami (Team 2), which means that playing poorly just means a close win instead of a blow out. Running back Brandon Jacobs will finally get consistent playing time and prove he belongs…on the sideline.

Tim Tebow will go back to pass but will have to evade the rush after Tim Tebow will miss his block. Tebow will then pass to Tim Tebow, who won't be able to get his hands on the ball and it will be intercepted by the Lions. On the ensuing drive, Tim Tebow will get zero pressure on Detroit quarterback Matthew Stafford and linebacker Tim Tebow will bite on the play fake, leaving cornerback Tim Tebow one-on-one against the best receiver in football, Calvin Johnson, who will beat Tebow for a touchdown.

At least, that is what we will assume after hearing all the blame heaped on Tebow after the Broncos are crushed by Detroit.

The Ravens will come back from a 24-6 halftime deficit to defeat the Cardinals. Before the game, Joe Flacco will be told in no uncertain terms that he was given a shiny new receiver to throw to and if he doesn’t want the new receiver then the team will take that receiver back. Anquan Boldin will then rack up seven receptions for 145 yards, his highest-yards total as a Raven. Flacco will still have to serve in timeout after the game.

Houston will improve to 4-0 against teams with a record under .500 (and 5-3 overall) by defeating the Jaguars. Not coincidentally, the other teams in the Texans’ division will be a combined 6-17 after Week 8. Everyone will circle Nov. 13 and Jan. 1 on their calendars for the matchups between the Jaguars and Colts, who will be a combined 2-14 after Week 8. Indianapolis would be thrilled to finish the season 2-14. Ladies and gentlemen, the AFC South!

Buffalo and Washington will square off in Canada. Despite being within an hour of the Canadian border, the Bills are still American and hence not required by law to be nice. Buffalo will prove to be rude hosts and shut out a Mike Shanahan-coached team for the first time, well, ever.

Carolina’s Cam Newton will fall to 1-1 against other starting rookie quarterbacks as Minnesota’s Christian Ponder will match Donovan McNabb’s win total as a Vikings quarterback.

Meanwhile, Cincinnati’s Andy Dalton will quietly improve to 5-2 as a starter with a win at Seattle. Dalton’s five wins will be more than Newton (two), Ponder (one) and the Jaguars Blaine Gabbert (one) combined.

Since their win over New Orleans in last year’s playoff game they never should have been in let alone hosted, the Seahawks are 2-6. Karma is a powerful force.

Philip Rivers’ late minute struggles will continue as the Chefs will escape with a victory over San Diego. The game will feature eight combined turnovers. Todd Haley will be thankful his beard hides all his colorful language from TV cameras.

The game of the week will feature the Steelers and the Patriots. New England fans will cry foul after Hair Polamalu breaks the rules to help Pittsburgh get a late safety. Pittsburgh fans will merely say, “Spygate says what”?