Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Post NFL-Week 10 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those game

The Eagles’ Dream Team Nightmare season will continue with a late loss to Arizona.

Adding insult to injury, the Cardinals will win with their backup quarterback. 

On the road.

On the plus side, the Eagles’ nightmare will continue to be everyone else’s dream.

The quarterback formerly known as Carson Palmer will finally play like the quarterback formerly known as Carson Palmer while leading the Raiders to a win over San Diego with more touchdowns than interceptions for the first time since last December, when he led the Bengals to a win over the Chargers.

After Week 10, Palmer will have three wins in his past 13 games. Two of them will be against San Diego.

The second-highest rusher for the Raiders will pick up 39 yards on the ground.

He will out-rush the best rusher for the Chargers.

If at all possible, the winless Colts will sink to yet another low in their loss to the Jaguars, benching third-string quarterback Curtis Painter for fourth-string quarterback (and Safety Dance fan) Dan Orlovsky.

Atlanta head coach Mike Smith will channel his inner-Belichick and fail on a fourth down attempt at his own 29 in an overtime loss to the Saints.

Drew Brees will then channel his inner-Peyton and lead his team to victory.

Baltimore will fall to 0-2 in games following wins over the Steelers.

The combined record of the two teams to beat the Ravens after they beat the Steelers will be 8-10.

The Giants will suffer a tough loss to the 49ers, falling to 2-2 against the NFC West. Victor Cruz will be told by Manning after the game, “they’re not saying ‘boo,’ they’re saying ‘Cruuuuz.’”

The Giants’ two wins over NFC West opponents will be more than that of Seattle (one), Arizona (one) and St. Louis (zero). Good thing those teams don’t play in the NFC West.

The 49ers will improve to 8-1 with their win over the Giants. The 49ers will have their best record after nine games since 1997, when they also started 8-1.

That year, they finished tied with Green Bay for the best record in the NFC and the Packers defeated San Francisco in the NFC Championship.

In a related story, the Packers will have no problem dispatching the Vikings to improve to 9-0. More and more wives and girlfriends will start to notice Aaron Rodgers and how “cute” he is.

Thus will begin Rodgers’ trip to becoming disliked by the average fan, a la Jeter and Brady. The model girlfriend is next.

The Dolphins will hand Mike Shanahan’s Redskins their fifth-consecutive loss, the longest losing streak in Shanahan’s coaching career.

Reggie Bush will continue his attempt to get back with Kim Kardashian by rushing for a season-high two touchdowns. Since hearing about Kardashian’s marriage troubles, Bush will have 62 carries for 355 yards (5.7 average) and three touchdowns along with 15 receptions for 82 yards in his past five games.

Most people get drunk and drive by their ex’s house at three in the morning to express their love. Reggie Bush just goes on an impressive offensive streak.

The good news for Houston: it will easily handle the Buccaneers to improve to 7-3, the best record in the AFC.

The bad news for Houston: it will now have to rely on Matt Leinart (he of the 70.8 career quarterback rating) to reach the playoffs for the first time in team history.

After Week 10, Tampa Bay will have given up 163 points in its five losses, compared to 70 in its four wins, proving, once and for all, that teams need to outscore their opponents to win games.

Tim Tebow will complete two passes against the Chiefs. For 69 yards. And the Broncos will win.

Which doesn’t say much for Tebow.

But it really doesn’t say much for the Chiefs.

Shades of Super Bowl XXVII as the Cowboys will romp over the Bills.

Unfortunately, Leon Lett will not be around to make a bone-headed play that will be mocked for eternity.

Fortunately, he made two such plays during his career.

The Rams will score 13 points for the second straight game. Usually not a recipe for success, unless you are facing the Browns, who will muster only 12.

Pittsburgh will hold off those pesky Bengals by a touchdown. Steelers will complain about Andy Dalton’s red hair being a distraction. Bengals will merely point to No. 43 in black and yellow.

The Titans will improve to 4-1 against teams with a record under .500, defeating the Panthers. As an added bonus, Chris Johnson will finally end his hold-out before the game and make a triumphant return with 130 yards on 27 carries and a touchdown.

What’s that you say? He’s been playing the entire season? I don’t believe you.

Chicago’s offense will account for one touchdown and three field goals and its quarterback will complete under 50 percent of his passes, but it won’t matter, as Devin Hester and the Bears’ defense will take care of Detroit.

Matthew Stafford will throw to the Bears four times, including two for touchdowns, giving Stafford a quarterback rating of 158.3.

If only Matthew Stafford played for the Bears.

New England will use its patented “no one expects us to win; everyone is down on us; let’s prove them wrong” plan to perfection, battering the Jets in New Jersey.

One New Jersey team will be 0-2 against the Patriots this season. The other is already 1-0.  You would not believe me if I told you which team was which.

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