Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Post NFL-Week 8 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Against the Cowboys, the Eagles will play like the Dream Team Vince Young purported them to be.  After Sunday night, the rest of their opponents will start having nightmares.

Three teams shall enter Week 8 without a victory. Two will remain that way after Week 8. There can be only one…Winless.

Team 1 has good receivers but no one to throw them the ball. Team 2 has no receivers and no quarterback to throw them the ball. Team 3 finally has a receiver but its starting quarterback can’t throw him the ball (because of a high ankle sprain).

If you guessed Team 3, you are correct! Recently traded for receiver Brandon Lloyd will show just how bad the other Rams receivers are by leading St. Louis in receptions, receiving yards and receiving touchdowns in his first game with the team. Backup qb AJ Feeley will pick up his first win since the 2007 season and St. Louis will defeat the Saints to pick up their first victory of the season.

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa will retire immediately after the game, recognizing that helping the Rams to a victory is an achievement he will never be able to surpass.

Rams head coach Steve Spagnuolo will point out to his team that the St. Louis Cardinals were 10.5 games out of a Wild Card spot with five weeks to play and they went on to win the World Series, so being five games back with 10 weeks to play is nothing. His motivational tool successful, Spagnuolo's Rams will go out and surprise the Saints.

Unfortunately for Spagnuolo, Tony Bennett will take down Ian Hunter to maintain his five-game lead over the Rams.

That is to say, the NFC West-leading San Francisco 49ers will improve to 6-1 with a victory over Cleveland. SF will match last year’s wins total with nine games to play.

The Colts (Team 1) will remain winless after getting blown out by Tennessee. The Titans thank their lucky stars they are in the AFC South. Four games against Jacksonville (2-6) and Indy (0-8)?! Sign me up!

The Titans’ Chris Johnson (14 carries, 34 yards) will be outrushed by Javon Ringer (14 carries, 60 yards). Which wouldn’t be a big deal except that Ringer is also a Titan. Ringer is already planning to hold out for 53.5 million next training camp.

Unfortunately for the Giants, they will do what they always do: play poorly after the bye week. Fortunately for New York, its Week 8 opponent is Miami (Team 2), which means that playing poorly just means a close win instead of a blow out. Running back Brandon Jacobs will finally get consistent playing time and prove he belongs…on the sideline.

Tim Tebow will go back to pass but will have to evade the rush after Tim Tebow will miss his block. Tebow will then pass to Tim Tebow, who won't be able to get his hands on the ball and it will be intercepted by the Lions. On the ensuing drive, Tim Tebow will get zero pressure on Detroit quarterback Matthew Stafford and linebacker Tim Tebow will bite on the play fake, leaving cornerback Tim Tebow one-on-one against the best receiver in football, Calvin Johnson, who will beat Tebow for a touchdown.

At least, that is what we will assume after hearing all the blame heaped on Tebow after the Broncos are crushed by Detroit.

The Ravens will come back from a 24-6 halftime deficit to defeat the Cardinals. Before the game, Joe Flacco will be told in no uncertain terms that he was given a shiny new receiver to throw to and if he doesn’t want the new receiver then the team will take that receiver back. Anquan Boldin will then rack up seven receptions for 145 yards, his highest-yards total as a Raven. Flacco will still have to serve in timeout after the game.

Houston will improve to 4-0 against teams with a record under .500 (and 5-3 overall) by defeating the Jaguars. Not coincidentally, the other teams in the Texans’ division will be a combined 6-17 after Week 8. Everyone will circle Nov. 13 and Jan. 1 on their calendars for the matchups between the Jaguars and Colts, who will be a combined 2-14 after Week 8. Indianapolis would be thrilled to finish the season 2-14. Ladies and gentlemen, the AFC South!

Buffalo and Washington will square off in Canada. Despite being within an hour of the Canadian border, the Bills are still American and hence not required by law to be nice. Buffalo will prove to be rude hosts and shut out a Mike Shanahan-coached team for the first time, well, ever.

Carolina’s Cam Newton will fall to 1-1 against other starting rookie quarterbacks as Minnesota’s Christian Ponder will match Donovan McNabb’s win total as a Vikings quarterback.

Meanwhile, Cincinnati’s Andy Dalton will quietly improve to 5-2 as a starter with a win at Seattle. Dalton’s five wins will be more than Newton (two), Ponder (one) and the Jaguars Blaine Gabbert (one) combined.

Since their win over New Orleans in last year’s playoff game they never should have been in let alone hosted, the Seahawks are 2-6. Karma is a powerful force.

Philip Rivers’ late minute struggles will continue as the Chefs will escape with a victory over San Diego. The game will feature eight combined turnovers. Todd Haley will be thankful his beard hides all his colorful language from TV cameras.

The game of the week will feature the Steelers and the Patriots. New England fans will cry foul after Hair Polamalu breaks the rules to help Pittsburgh get a late safety. Pittsburgh fans will merely say, “Spygate says what”?

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