Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Post NFL-Week 9 Predictions



Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those gam

After waking up from a nightmare after Week 8, Philadelphia’s loss to the Bears will make Eagles’ opponents realize Week 8 was just a bad dream.

On the bright side for the Eagles, LeSean McCoy will take over the top spot in the rushing yards category. Unfortunately for the Eagles, McCoy will cement his status as “first-overall-pick-in-2012-who-will-then-have-a-disappointing-season.”

In a related story, Titans running back Chris Johnson will record his second-highest rushing total this season: 64 yards.

After Week 9, Johnson will rank 34th in the NFL with 45.8 yards per game.

Among the many players ahead of him will be none other than Tim Tebow (46.2 yards per game).

Tebow will rush for a career-best 118 yards in a win over the Raiders while he improves his record as a starting quarterback to 3-3. After the game, he will have six touchdowns against just one interception.

Which is more than what can be said for Carson Palmer, who will throw three interceptions against the Broncos to give him 19 touchdowns and 20 picks in his last 12 games with his teams posting a combined record of 2-10. Somewhere, Hue Jackson is updating his resume.

Andy Dalton will lead the Bengals to a victory over Tennessee, giving Dalton a 6-2 record to start his career. His fellow starting rookie quarterbacks Cam Newton (two wins), Christian Ponder (one win) and Blaine Gabbert (one win) will use their bye week to find just the right shade of red to dye their hair.

After watching LSU and Alabama combine for six points in the first half of their slugfest, the two New Jersey teams decide, anything college football can do, pro football can do better.

The Jets will go into halftime with a 3-0 lead over Buffalo. The Giants and Patriots will finish the first two quarters with nary a point.

Both New Jersey teams will go on to record wins against their AFC East opponents. The Giants will improve to 3-0 against the AFC East. In a flashback to Super Bowl XLIV, Eli Manning will throw a desperation pass to No. 85 who will make a great catch to keep the gamewinning drive alive. A clothing company’s attempt to make money off the win falls flat when nobody buys their “5-3” t-shirts.
In a classic Baltimore-Pittsburgh slugfest, Joe Flacco and Ben Roethlisberger will combine to throw for over 600 yards.

It will be the first time since Dec. 29, 2002 that a quarterback from either team throws for over 300 yards against the other (Jeff Blake, Baltimore), and the first time since before the Ravens became the Ravens that both quarterbacks throw for over 300 yards.

Some will say that this ain’t your daddy’s Baltimore-Pittsburgh slugfest.

Yet somehow, strangely, it is.

Chiefs head coach Todd Haley will decide that his seat is too cold. A beatdown by the previously-winless Dolphins in Kansas City will heat that up nicely.

Both Ben Tate and Arian Foster will go over the century mark in rushing yards in the Texans’ win over Cleveland. Tennessee will wish that its two running backs would at least combine for 100 yards.

DeMarco Murray will officially “Wally Pipp” Felix Jones as the Cowboys will defeat the Seahawks. Fantasy Owners who picked up Murray will take a minute to congratulate themselves.

Ok, we’re back.

The 49ers will defeat the Redskins, which would be much more impressive if Washington wasn’t on a three-game losing streak coming into the contest. Before the game, Mike Shanahan will go to a tanning salon and ask for a “John Boehner.”

Green Bay will hold off San Diego to improve to 8-0, the first Super Bowl winning team to open the next season 8-0 since Denver in 1998. That season, the Broncos’ first loss came at the hands of the New York Giants on Dec. 13. The 2011 Packers will face the Giants on Dec. 4. Somewhere, Kent Graham is warming up.

It will take overtime for 1-6 Arizona to defeat 1-6 St. Louis. Ladies and Gentlemen, the NFC West!

Unfortunately for the Colts, they will lose, again, this time to Atlanta.

Fortunately for the Colts, they will be the only winless team in the NFL.

Unfortunately for the Colts, Luck will have nothing to do with that.

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