Thursday, December 22, 2011

Post NFL-Week 15 Predictions


Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games


The 2011 Chiefs will do their best 1985 Dolphins impersonation, handing the 2011 Packers their first loss in the 2011 calendar year, and the 1972 Dolphins will party like it’s 1999.

The Colts will defeat the Titans for their first victory of the season. The game would have been more interesting if Peyton Manning and Chris Johnson were involved.

Dan Orlovsky will become the first Colts quarterback to lead the team to a victory since Jim Harbaugh in 1997.

That same Jim Harbaugh will become the second Harbaugh to lead his team to a win over the Steelers in 2011 when the 49ers shut the lights out on Pittsburgh.

Literally and figuratively.

The first Harbaugh will watch his Ravens defeated soundly by the Chargers to continue their trend of late season success that will lead to another year of Norv Turner as head coach that will lead to another year of early failure and late season success which will lead to another year of Norv Turner as head coach that will lead…

Thanks to the Colts’ victory, the longest current losing streak will belong to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who will not show up against the Cowboys en route to their eighth-straight loss.

The Bucs will lose their third-straight by at least two touchdowns. Head coach Raheem Morris, who was 35 when the season started, will be 50 after Week 15.

Thanks to the Packers’ loss, the longest current winning streak will be the Patriots and Saints, as each will win their sixth-consecutive game, over Tebow Time and the Vikings, respectively.

Chad Ochocinco will finish one reception shy of his season-high while setting a season-best in touchdown receptions.

Ochocinco will catch one pass for one touchdown.

In the battle of the backups, John Skelton will lead the Cardinals to a their third overtime win in the past seven games, this time defeating Seneca Wallace and the Browns. Arizona will win its fourth-straight to improve to 7-7 and enter Wild Card contention. The trade for Kevin Kolb will look better and better as Skelton will improve to 5-1 as a starter.

Houston’s seven-game winning streak will come to an end at the hands of Cam Newton and the Panthers.

Against the Texans, Panthers offensive coordinator Rob Chudzinski will design a play based on the movie Little Giants.

Coaches for the Buccaneers will be watching football movies all week to get ready for Carolina. But Chudzinski will be too smart for that, going with the Red Seven Hot Route play from Wedding Crashers.

The Lions will score 14 points over the final 7:47, including the go-ahead score on a 98-yard drive, to defeat the Raiders. Ndamukong Suh return from a two-game suspension to block the potential gamewinning kick, marking the second-straight game “Suh” will be mentioned in the same sentence as “kick.”

Reggie Bush will make a bold statement in his wish to get back together with Kim Kardashian, rushing for a career-high 203 yards in the Dolphins’ win over Buffalo.

The Bills were once 5-2. After Week 15, they will be 5-9. During that stretch, quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick will have eight touchdowns and 12 interceptions. His new theme song will be Mo Money, Mo Problems.

The two New Jersey teams will combine to score 29 points. Their two NFC East opponents will combine to score 68 points. It’s not over until the fat lady sings, but she is definitely going through warm ups.

The Seahawks will defeat the Jay Cutler-less Bears to improve to 7-7 and enter the Wild Card equation. Bears coach Lovie Smith will have a tough time figuring out where to put Sam Hurd on the injury list. Does arrest for federal drug charges make a player Doubtful or Questionable?

The Bengals will defeat the Rams to ensure that the AFC North will be the only division in the NFL with three teams above .500. The Rams’ loss will put them in at tie for the worst record in the NFC. Which feat is more impressive? You be the judge.

The Falcons will have no problem with the Jaguars, building a 27-0 halftime lead before coasting to victory. New Jacksonville owner Shahid Khan (no relation to Chaka) will wonder if the team was overpriced at $760 million.

That’s just $190 million per victory!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Post NFL-Week 14 (and 13) Predictions



Predictions made about the previous (two) week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Twelve teams will go 2-0 over Week 13 and 14.

Included in that category will be the Arizona Cardinals.

Which would be a bigger story except that darn Tim Tebow will lead the Broncos to two come-from-behind victories.

After Week 14, sports talk will sound as though Tim Tebow entered his own portal in the movie Being Tim Tebow.

After Denver’s overtime win over Chicago in Week 14, Brian Urhlacher will make a back-handed compliment to Tebow, calling him “a good running back.”

That will be the best hit the Bears defense puts on Tebow all day.

The Falcons will need to score 24 points in the second half of their game against the Panthers to avoid going 0-2 over Week 13 and 14.

In Week 13, Matt Ryan will be outplayed by TJ Yates and Houston will defeat Atlanta.

The Texans will then take down the Bengals to earn their First. Playoff Appearance. Ever.

The Dolphins will defeat the Raiders and then lose to the Dreamgles. The Chiefs will defeat the Bears and then lose to the Jets.

The Raiders and Bears will each go 0-2 over Weeks 13 and 14, yet it will be Miami and Kansas City that will be without head coaches after Week 14.

Chiefs head coach Todd Haley will be axed one year after guiding the team to a 10-6 record and an AFC West title.

The NFL: Where Not For Long and No Faith Lasts happens.

After Week 14, the Eagles will be 5-8.

Which will not be as surprising as the fact that they will still be in contention to win the NFC East.

Thanks to the Cardinals’ win over the Cowboys in Week 13, the Giants’ come-from-behind victory over Dallas in Week 14 puts New York in first-place in the division.

Dallas will give up its third game after leading by more than 10 points in the fourth quarter.

That sound you will hear is Rex Ryan’s chances of a head coaching gig dying an agonizing death after looking like it was going to pull through.

Unless he is elevated to head coach at Dallas, where the bar has been set at “call a timeout to ice your own kicker.”

Tennessee will go 1-0 during Week 13 thanks to the running of Chris Johnson, who will finish with 23 carries for 153 yards and two touchdowns in a win over Buffalo.

Tennessee go 0-1 during Week 14 thanks to the running of Chris Johnson, who will finish with 11 carries for 23 yards and zero touchdowns in a loss to New Orleans.

The Saints will clinch a playoff berth by going 2-0 over Weeks 13 and 14. Drew Brees will earn the Denis Leary award for “Most NyQuil Ads Over A Season.”

The Buccaneers will fall to 4-9 with a 41-14 loss to the Jaguars. It will mark the fifth time this season Tampa Bay will have given up 35 or more points and lost. In 2010, when the Bucs finished 10-6, TB gave up 35 or more points just twice, going 1-1 in those two games.

Further proof that limiting the other team’s scoring is the best way to win.

The Packers will improve to 13-0 with a nail-biter against the Giants and a blowout of the Raiders.

In two losses over Weeks 13 and 14, Oakland quarterback Carson Palmer will go 44-for-83 for 518 yards, three touchdowns and five interceptions. Through seven games with the Raiders, Palmer will have nine touchdowns and 13 interceptions.

“Just Win, Baby” becomes “Just Don’t Throw It To The Other Team, Please.”

The Chargers will win twice to pull within two games of first-place in the AFC West, which will officially be called the cat-like Norv Turner’s eighth life.

The Bills will fall to 5-8 after being demolished by the Fighting Norv-ses in Week 14. Buffalo will be very upset after the game, but not half as upset as the Patriots, who will look back on their Week 3 loss to the Bills incredulously.

Speaking of upset, Tom Brady and offensive coordinator Bill O’Brien will do their best “Jersey Shore argument” routine late in the Patriots’ win over Washington.

GTL, boys. GTL.

The 49ers will shut out the Rams and then lose to the Cardinals, clinching a playoff berth in the process. San Francisco will have lost two of its past three games. The 49ers will breathe a sigh of relief once they realize that unlike every other division in the NFL, the NFC West has just one team over .500.

The Jets will get back on track with a pair of dominating performances over the Redskins and the Chiefs, which would look more impressive if it weren’t for the fat that it came against the Redskins and the Chiefs.

Mike Shanahan’s squad will fall to 4-9. He will be post his second-straight losing year for the first time in his career as a head coach while coaching the team for a full season.

Dan Snyder will be mad. You won’t like Dan Snyder when he’s mad. You probably won’t like Dan Snyder when he’s not mad either. He is not very likeable.

The Rams will fall to 2-10. Steve Spagnuolo will make a heck of a defensive coordinator for some team next year.

Seattle will go 2-0 to improve to 6-7. Just like the pickle-juice craze of 2000, NFL teams will see the success of Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch and start purchasing skittles in bulk.

Victory will always taste better than the rainbow.

The Browns will go 0-2 over Weeks 13 and 14. Colt McCoy will suffer a concussion during Cleveland’s loss to Pittsburgh and of course, Steelers linebacker James Harrison will be blamed.

Harrison will have an alibi though – he will be hitting Colt McCoy in the head at the time of the incident.

The Lions will go 1-1 and the Vikings will lose both games during Weeks 13 and 14. Since Minnesota played in the NFC Championship in 2009, Detroit will be 14-15 while Minnesota will be 8-21.

The curse of Fav-rah continues.

Ray Rice’s running will push the Ravens to wins in Weeks 13 and 14, as he will finish the two games with 307 yards on 55 carries with two touchdowns.

Ray Rice’s running will allow Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco to do what Joe Flacco does best, which is hand off to Ray Rice.

The Colts will fall to 0-13. The football gods, aka NFL fans, frown upon teams that don’t fight for an undefeated season.

Are you there, Green Bay? It’s us, NFL Fans.