Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Post NFL-Week 14 (and 13) Predictions

Predictions made about the previous (two) week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Twelve teams will go 2-0 over Week 13 and 14.

Included in that category will be the Arizona Cardinals.

Which would be a bigger story except that darn Tim Tebow will lead the Broncos to two come-from-behind victories.

After Week 14, sports talk will sound as though Tim Tebow entered his own portal in the movie Being Tim Tebow.

After Denver’s overtime win over Chicago in Week 14, Brian Urhlacher will make a back-handed compliment to Tebow, calling him “a good running back.”

That will be the best hit the Bears defense puts on Tebow all day.

The Falcons will need to score 24 points in the second half of their game against the Panthers to avoid going 0-2 over Week 13 and 14.

In Week 13, Matt Ryan will be outplayed by TJ Yates and Houston will defeat Atlanta.

The Texans will then take down the Bengals to earn their First. Playoff Appearance. Ever.

The Dolphins will defeat the Raiders and then lose to the Dreamgles. The Chiefs will defeat the Bears and then lose to the Jets.

The Raiders and Bears will each go 0-2 over Weeks 13 and 14, yet it will be Miami and Kansas City that will be without head coaches after Week 14.

Chiefs head coach Todd Haley will be axed one year after guiding the team to a 10-6 record and an AFC West title.

The NFL: Where Not For Long and No Faith Lasts happens.

After Week 14, the Eagles will be 5-8.

Which will not be as surprising as the fact that they will still be in contention to win the NFC East.

Thanks to the Cardinals’ win over the Cowboys in Week 13, the Giants’ come-from-behind victory over Dallas in Week 14 puts New York in first-place in the division.

Dallas will give up its third game after leading by more than 10 points in the fourth quarter.

That sound you will hear is Rex Ryan’s chances of a head coaching gig dying an agonizing death after looking like it was going to pull through.

Unless he is elevated to head coach at Dallas, where the bar has been set at “call a timeout to ice your own kicker.”

Tennessee will go 1-0 during Week 13 thanks to the running of Chris Johnson, who will finish with 23 carries for 153 yards and two touchdowns in a win over Buffalo.

Tennessee go 0-1 during Week 14 thanks to the running of Chris Johnson, who will finish with 11 carries for 23 yards and zero touchdowns in a loss to New Orleans.

The Saints will clinch a playoff berth by going 2-0 over Weeks 13 and 14. Drew Brees will earn the Denis Leary award for “Most NyQuil Ads Over A Season.”

The Buccaneers will fall to 4-9 with a 41-14 loss to the Jaguars. It will mark the fifth time this season Tampa Bay will have given up 35 or more points and lost. In 2010, when the Bucs finished 10-6, TB gave up 35 or more points just twice, going 1-1 in those two games.

Further proof that limiting the other team’s scoring is the best way to win.

The Packers will improve to 13-0 with a nail-biter against the Giants and a blowout of the Raiders.

In two losses over Weeks 13 and 14, Oakland quarterback Carson Palmer will go 44-for-83 for 518 yards, three touchdowns and five interceptions. Through seven games with the Raiders, Palmer will have nine touchdowns and 13 interceptions.

“Just Win, Baby” becomes “Just Don’t Throw It To The Other Team, Please.”

The Chargers will win twice to pull within two games of first-place in the AFC West, which will officially be called the cat-like Norv Turner’s eighth life.

The Bills will fall to 5-8 after being demolished by the Fighting Norv-ses in Week 14. Buffalo will be very upset after the game, but not half as upset as the Patriots, who will look back on their Week 3 loss to the Bills incredulously.

Speaking of upset, Tom Brady and offensive coordinator Bill O’Brien will do their best “Jersey Shore argument” routine late in the Patriots’ win over Washington.

GTL, boys. GTL.

The 49ers will shut out the Rams and then lose to the Cardinals, clinching a playoff berth in the process. San Francisco will have lost two of its past three games. The 49ers will breathe a sigh of relief once they realize that unlike every other division in the NFL, the NFC West has just one team over .500.

The Jets will get back on track with a pair of dominating performances over the Redskins and the Chiefs, which would look more impressive if it weren’t for the fat that it came against the Redskins and the Chiefs.

Mike Shanahan’s squad will fall to 4-9. He will be post his second-straight losing year for the first time in his career as a head coach while coaching the team for a full season.

Dan Snyder will be mad. You won’t like Dan Snyder when he’s mad. You probably won’t like Dan Snyder when he’s not mad either. He is not very likeable.

The Rams will fall to 2-10. Steve Spagnuolo will make a heck of a defensive coordinator for some team next year.

Seattle will go 2-0 to improve to 6-7. Just like the pickle-juice craze of 2000, NFL teams will see the success of Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch and start purchasing skittles in bulk.

Victory will always taste better than the rainbow.

The Browns will go 0-2 over Weeks 13 and 14. Colt McCoy will suffer a concussion during Cleveland’s loss to Pittsburgh and of course, Steelers linebacker James Harrison will be blamed.

Harrison will have an alibi though – he will be hitting Colt McCoy in the head at the time of the incident.

The Lions will go 1-1 and the Vikings will lose both games during Weeks 13 and 14. Since Minnesota played in the NFC Championship in 2009, Detroit will be 14-15 while Minnesota will be 8-21.

The curse of Fav-rah continues.

Ray Rice’s running will push the Ravens to wins in Weeks 13 and 14, as he will finish the two games with 307 yards on 55 carries with two touchdowns.

Ray Rice’s running will allow Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco to do what Joe Flacco does best, which is hand off to Ray Rice.

The Colts will fall to 0-13. The football gods, aka NFL fans, frown upon teams that don’t fight for an undefeated season.

Are you there, Green Bay? It’s us, NFL Fans.

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