Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Post-NFL Championship Round Predictions

Predictions made prior to the NFL Championship Round based on the results of those games

The Giants and Patriots will party like it’s 2007.

The Giants will yet again defeat an NFC South team before taking down the No. 1 seed before defeating the No. 2 seed in overtime on a Lawrence Tynes field goal.

This time, however, Tynes will not cause heart palpitations for Giants fans by missing two possible gamewinners.

The 49ers will lose thanks to the a pair of giveaways by the son of White Sox GM Ken Williams.

Somewhere nearby, Oakland A’s GM Billy Beane is nodding knowingly.

To add insult to injury, 49ers fans everywhere will be forced to miss Ted Ginn, Jr.

Ford will continue to believe that we really believe that those are “real” people doing “real” interviews with “real” media asking “real” questions.

I mean, really?

Receivers not named Vernon and/or Davis will catch nine passes for 84 yards.

Ho hum, another Urban Meyer quarterback will short-arm passes and run better than he throws.

For the second straight year, Baltimore’s season will end thanks to a dropped pass on what should have been an easy completion by a veteran receiver.

Billy Cundiff will miss a relatively easy 32-yard field goal with seconds remaining in the contest to give the game to the Patriots.

Scott Norwood will be heard yelling at the tv, “even I could have made that”!

Vegas will set the over/under at 100 for the number of jokes made referring to Ray-Lewis-murdering-or-standing-by-while-someone-else-murders-Billy-Cundiff.

(Take the over).

The Harbaugh brothers will both bow out of the playoffs and a field goal will decide each game.

Har-bro in law Tom Crean's Indiana Hoosiers will defeat Penn State, so the day won't be a total loss.

On the same day Seal and Heidi Klum will announce their breakup, Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari will announce they are having a baby.

Yet Rick Santorum will still believe that gay people are ruining the sanctity of marriage.

After Championship weekend, no meaningful football will be played until the Super Bowl.

In a related story, the Pro Bowl is next week.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Post-NFL Divisional Round Predictions

Predictions made prior to the NFL Divisional Round based on the results of those games

The angels that helped Denver reach the Divisional Round will step away, believing that the Broncos will be able to defeat the Patriots on their own.

They won’t.

Led by the Godless Heathen Bill Belichick, the Patriots’ win over the Fightin’ Tebows will force many to acknowledge that sometimes the dude in red on their left shoulder has some good ideas.

Alex Smith will twice lead the 49ers on fourth-quarter comebacks in a win over New Orleans.

New Orleans will finish the season with an average score of 26.8 points in games played outside compared to an average score of 38.6 in games played inside.

The Saints’ fans will ask them to take their indoor voice outside.

Vernon Davis will haul in the (second) gamewinning touchdown for the 49ers, giving San Francisco yet another Catch by a tight end that wins a playoff game. Somewhere, David Tyree is shaking his head.

Vernon Davis will insert himself into the discussion of Jimaarob Gramzalezski, creating Vernjimaarob Gramzalezdavski.

In the end, the North will prevail over the South, again, as Baltimore will defeat the Texans to improve to 3-2 against the AFC South this season.

Joe Flacco will beg to dilfer, but he will say he is nothing like former Ravens quarterback, whose name escapes me.

The Ravens will improve to 9-0 at home. Which is good, because they were just 4-4 on the road in 2011-12.

In a related story, Baltimore will have to travel to New England to face the Patriots in the AFC Championship.

The Giants will improve to 2-0 in rematches in the playoffs against teams that beat them 38-35 in the regular season in the past five seasons.

The Packers will become the only home team to lose over the weekend.

To add insult to injury, Green Bay will not have taken out the discount double-check insurance on their Super Bowl chances.

Fans who bought into the Green Bay franchise will immediately ask for their money back.

State Farm will immediately ask for its commercials back.

Actor and fake-Indiana native Rob Lowe will become the 1,194th NFL Insider.

ESPN will immediately hire him to work on Sunday NFL Countdown.

He will not be the worst commentator on that show.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Post NFL-Wild Card Predictions

Predictions based about the Wild Card Weekend based on the results of those games.

The Falcons’ defense will outscore the Falcons’ offense, 2-0.

Good score for a staff softball game. Not so much for playoff football.

The Giants offense will outscore the Falcons’ offense, 24-0.

Good score for pretty much any game.

The Texans will defeat the Bengals for zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Oh man, how embarrassing. Let me try again.

Two rookies will square off as Cincinnati will fall to the Texans zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I give up.

Houston will win its first-ever playoff contest, which will be the most interesting thing about the game.

The Saints will erase the embarrassment of losing to a 7-9 team in the playoffs by defeating the Lions.

Detroit’s defense will let its offense down by allowing Drew Brees to throw for three touchdowns and more than 450 yards.

The Lions will look in to signing the rest of the Decepticons to shore up their porous defense.

Anti-Tim Tebowians (Tebowites? Tebowgers?) will have a hard time coming up with more reasons why Tebow stinks after he throws for 316 yards and two touchdowns and runs for another TD in the Broncos’ wild card game against the Steelers.

Most popular criticisms will be: Broncos’ supporting cast was the reason for Tebow’s success, not Tebow; Tebow played great but he still stinks; the Steelers’ are old and banged up and they lost more than the Broncos won.

In the end, however, Tebow will help the Broncos defeat the Steelers in overtime with an 80-yard touchdown pass.

In overtime, Tebow Time will last 11 seconds.

Good length of time for a gamewinning score. Bad for pretty much everything else.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Post NFL-Weeks 16 and 17 Predictions

Predictions made about the previous (two) week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

In consecutive weeks, the New York Giants will eliminate the Eagles and Cowboys while effectively knocking the Jets out of playoff contention.

Or as Giants fans refer to it: Christmas.

In fact, everyone will refer to that two week stretch as Christmas, although some will be upset that they aren’t calling it the Holidays, and others will be upset with the some for calling it Holidays instead of Christmas.

In the battle for New Jersey, the Giants will force Rex Ryan to eat his words after the game, only to find out that he will have already eaten his words, as he is a growing boy who is also big boned.

The Cowboys will play like their game against the Eagles in Week 16 means absolutely nothing to their playoff chances.

In a related story, the Cowboys’ game against the Eagles in Week 16 will mean absolutely nothing to Dallas’ playoff chances.

In the Giants’ game against the Cowboys, they will not be saying “boo,” they will be saying, “Cruuuz.” And also “boo.” It is the Cowboys, after all.

If Jerry Jones’ face could show emotion, it will be extreme disappointment.

The Colts will almost win themselves out of the Andrew Luck sweepstakes before they come back to their senses and fall in the season finale to gain some Luck.

St. Louis will also finish 2-14, but will miss out on the No. 1 overall pick, making the Rams double-losers.

Houston and Denver will back into the playoffs on three-game losing streaks.

Houston and Denver will be the only playoff teams to enter the tournament on a losing streak.

Houston and Denver will each host their first round playoff games.

The NFL: where No Frigging Logic happens

Chris Johnson will finish the season with only four 100-yard games. He will average 39.4 yards per game in his other 12 contests. Yet he will reach 1,000 yards for the season, proving once and for all how meaningless that statistic is.

Kyle Orton will prove how much better of a quarterback he is than the man who replaced him in Denver, Tim Tebow, by leading the Chiefs to a win over the Broncos in the final game of the season.

The score will be 7-3, meaning Orton is exactly four-points better than Tebow.

The Patriots will find themselves trailing in each of their final two games before coming back to win each contest to take the top seed in the AFC.

After Week 17, the Patriots will be 64-16 (.800) in the last five seasons. During that time, New England is 2-3 (.400) in the playoffs with a grand total of zero Super Bowls.

I’m just sayin’.

Miami will finish its season 6-3, with two of its losses during that stretch by three or fewer points.

They would have made it into the playoffs if it weren’t for that darn 0-7 start.

Tampa Bay started its season 4-2.

It would have made the playoffs and head coach Raheem Morris would still have a job if it weren’t for that darn 0-10 finish.

After starting the season 4-1, including a win over New England, the Bills will finish the season 2-9 and enlist the help of Scooby Doo to find out who stole their mojo.

If the thief is the same guy who took Andy Roddick’s mojo in 2005, Buffalo probably won’t have any luck finding him.

After finishing the season on a six-game losing streak, Cleveland fans will talk about the fact that the Browns are going to a Bowl.

It just won’t be the Super Bowl. But it will be a Bowl.

The AFC North will be the only division with three winning teams. All three of those teams will make the playoffs.

In 16 games with the Bengals, Andy Dalton will finish the season with 20 touchdowns and 13 interceptions.

Which will be three fewer interceptions than Carson Palmer will throw in 10 games with the Raiders.

Oakland will set the NFL record for most penalties in a season. Raiders fans will be quoted as saying, “yawn.”

San Diego began its season 4-1. San Diego will end its season 4-1.

It would have made the playoffs if it weren’t for that darn 0-6 stretch during the middle of the season.

Apparently Chargers owner Dean Spanos has will remember 8-2 and not 0-6, as Norv Turner will stay on as head coach.

John Skelton will finish the season 6-2 as a starter. John Skelton’s 2011 salary is 1/28th that of Kevin Kolb , who will finish the season 2-6.

The NFL: where No Frigging Logic happens

Jacksonville will win just enough games to lose out on the Andrew Luck sweepstakes.

Redskins offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan will declare that the Redskins will win the NFC East in 2012.

Rex Grossman made a similar declaration prior to the 2011 season.

I wonder how that worked out for them?

Packers backup quarterback Matt Flynn will throw for 480 yards and six touchdowns in Green Bay’s win over Detroit in the final game of the season.

Coming soon to a terrible team near you: a quarterback with two starts under his belt and a 123.0 qb rating in those two games.

Detroit’s reward for making the playoffs for the first time: a trip to New Orleans to face a Saints squad that defeated the Lions 31-17 in Week 13.

Apparently General Managers are now at fault for season-ending injuries to franchise quarterbacks, as Chicago will join Indianapolis in releasing its GM from his duties.

Jay Cutler’s confidence will now reach new levels when he realizes the power he holds.

The Vikings will win just three games, lose their star running back to an ACL injury that might keep him out part of next season, and to add insult to injury, defensive end Jared Allen will have a full quarter against a sieve of an offensive line to break the single-season sack record but will not.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2011 Minnesota Vikings!

The Falcons will go 3-1 down the stretch to finish the season 10-6. Atlanta finish 6-2 at home, which would be great, except they will to travel to the 9-7 Giants in the first round of the playoffs.

Baltimore and Pittsburgh will finish in a tie for first-place in the AFC North but the Ravens will have the tiebreaker, meaning 12-4 Pittsburgh will have travel to 8-8 Denver in the first round of the playoffs.

The NFL: where No Effing Logic happens

Ravens will clinch the second seed, a first-round bye and the first home playoff game in the fourth-season of the Harbaugh era.

If the Harbaugh family was at all competitive, John’s younger brother Jim will be able to say that he achieved the second seed, a first-round bye and a home playoff game in his first season at San Francisco.

Good thing they are not competitive.

Drew Brees will surpass Dan Marino’s single-season passing yardage total with 5,476 on the year. It would be more impressive if Tom Brady (5,235) didn’t do the same and Matthew Stafford didn’t throw for over 5,000 yards in 2011.

The quarterbacks who will rank 1-5 in the NFL in passing yardage will all make the playoffs.

Two running backs who will finish in the top-five in rushing yardage will not make the playoffs.

Arena Football will contact the NFL to talk about a possible merger.

Cam Newton’s Panthers will finish fourth in the NFC in scoring offense. Unfortunately for Cam and Carolina, the Panthers will be the only NFC team to score over 400 points and give up over 400 points.

For the second straight year, Seattle will finish 7-9.

This time, however, the Seahawks will not make the playoffs and they certainly will not host a playoff game.

The NFL: where No Freaking Logic happens