Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Post-NFL Week 2 Predictions

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 2 based on the results of those games

A week ago, Kevin Kolb was the backup quarterback who led his team to an improbable victory.

This week, Kevin Kolb will be the backup quarterback who leads his team to an improbable victory, as the Cardinals will beat the Patriots.

That scream you will hear is the sound of millions upon millions upon millions who picked the Patriots in their suicide pool.

Kolb will again show how much better he is as a starter starting in place of the injured starter than as a starter starting as a starter.

A week ago, the Patriots were the best team in football, the Cowboys were going to be a force to be reckoned with, the Packers and Giants were both d-o-e-n done, Peyton Manning was Peyton Manning and Bill Simmons was upset about his "Seahawks to the Super Bowl" pick.

After week 2, the Patriots will need help, the Cowboys will be back to doing Cowboys things, the Packers and Giants will probably not be d-o-e-n done (status may change based on the results of week 3), Peyton Manning will still be Peyton Manning but just not quite as Peyton Manning as Peyton Manning used to be and Bill Simmons will probably still upset about his Seahawks pick.

Let's be honest, it was a ridiculous pick.

Sibling rivalry will take a weird turn during Monday Night Football. Peyton Manning will watch his brother Eli go 31-of-51 for a career-high 510 yards along with three touchdowns against an NFC South team (the Bucs), and think to himself, "anything he can do I can do better."

The good news is that in his game against an NFC South team (the Falcons), Peyton will indeed do something better than Eli. The bad news is that it won't involve completions, yards or touchdowns.

No, Peyton will see Eli's three first-half interceptions and decide to do him one better, throwing three first-quarter interceptions. In your face, Eli!

A week ago, the Steelers' defense was old and feeble and the Jets offense was flying high.

After week two, the Steelers' defense will still be old (average age of starters: 47 (actually 30.4)) but not nearly as feeble, and the Jets offense will crash and burn.

On the plus side, Tim Tebow will have one run for 22 yards. So there's that.

The 49ers will win the Hand-Slap-Shake Bowl thanks to the play of one Alex Smith.

Hold on, let me check that again. Yes, I did mean Alex Smith.

After wishing the Packers defense good luck before the game, Jay Cutler will be sacked seven times and picked four times, proving once again that no good deed goes unpunished.

Bills running back Fred Jackson will regret telling backup CJ Spiller to put the team on his back after Spiller runs for 123 yards and two touchdowns in Buffalo's win over the Chiefs.

In a related story, Wally Pipp. That is all.

The Bengals will win the Battle of Drew Carey, beating the Browns. 

After the game, Charley Steiner will state that the Bengals are the best team.

In Ohio.

The Colts will beat the Vikings, giving Andrew Luck a victory in his second career start, bettering Peyton Manning's rookie year performance, in which he won in his fifth career start.

What does that mean, you ask?

You tell me, I answer. #Deflect

Not to be outdone, Dolphins rookie quarterback Ryan Tannehill and Seahawks rookie quarterback Russell Wilson will also get wins in their second career starts, over the Raiders and Cowboys, respectively.

So what does that mean, you ask?

If you don't know then I won't tell you, I answer. #Deny

Robert Griffin III and the Redskins will lose to the Rams, but RGIII can still say he won in his first career start, which means...

Which means what, you ask.

Gimme a couple minutes, I say. #Delay

The Saints will lose to the Panthers and fall to 0-2. 

When asked about the team's performance, interim interim head coach (and offensive line coach) Aaron Kromer will say, "hey we ran for 163 yards and Brees was only sacked once, right? So how bad a job could I be doing?!" #Deluded

In their loss to the Texans there will be good news and bad news for the Jaguars. 

The good news: the Jaguars will have more yards rushing than they will passing.

The bad news: the Jaguars will only have 65 yards rushing. #Dreadful

The Chargers will beat the Titans. 

Norv Turner will be 2-0 to start a season for the first time in his 15-year head coaching career. #Dumbfounding

After two games, Titans running back Chris Johnson will be tied for 71st in rushing yards with 21. 

Noted running backs Brandon Wheedon (60th, 31 yards) and Matt Cassell (48th, 45 yards) will have more yards than Johnson. #DONE

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