Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Post-NFL Week 8 Predictions

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 8 based on the results of those games

And we're back. Now that I've been able to get past Taylor Swift's break up to....sorry it's still too soon. Let's just move on before I have another breakdown.

The Cowboys will have the rare come-from-behind loss, and the Giants will hold on for the even rarer unable-to-hold-the-lead victory.

Tony Romo will prove to be the best quarterback the Giants could ever ask for.

The Cowboys will have three receivers with 100-yard games for the first time since 1963. After the game, Jason Pierre-Paul will say that the Giants D played great. Rasheed Wallace will scoff and say, "Stats don't lie."

Greg Schiano will ignore the old saying "never trust a man with two first names," and 214 all-purpose yards later, Doug Martin will lead the Bucs to victory over the Vikings.

Entering Week 8, Cam Newton has never won a game in which he threw at least one interception. He will throw two against Chicago. After Week 8, Cam Newton will have never won a game in which he threw at least one interception.

The Indians will defeat the Padres in interleague play, 7-6. Wait, that can't be right.

You knew it was coming eventually. I'm referring, of course, to the Chargers' losing streak after a solid start that made people think Norv Turner had gotten over the hump of starting the season slow. After a 3-1 start, San Diego will drop their third-straight with a loss to the Browns. 

Good 'ol Norv - you can always count on him!

The Lions will continue their season-long trend of games that end with one team holding a one-possession lead. They will also improve to 2-0 against Alfred Hitchcock this season.

The Packers will record their 28th-straight game without a 100-yard rusher, including playoffs. They will improve to 23-5 during that stretch with a win over the Jaguars.

The Jaguars...well, it really doesn't matter if they have a 100-yard rusher or not. They're still the Jaguars.

After Week 8, Andrew Luck and Peyton Manning will each be 4-3. No one will be wondering if the Colts made the right decision. They will simply be wondering why Jim Irsay tweets so much. He's like a machine!

The Rams will take a 7-0 lead over the Patriots. That will make New England mad. You don't want to see New England mad. Especially in England. 

Rob Gronkowski will do the best. touchdown dance. ever. I would say that Ochocinco should take note, except he'll never see the field again, much less the end zone.

Not to give away the outcome of the game, but suffice to say, the calls for Tim Tebow will start getting louder after the Dolphins-Jets game. Ok, I totally gave away the outcome of the game.

The Alfred Hitchcock battle will go to the Falcons. After the game, Michael Vick will attempt to take attention away from himself and put it on...himself. No longer will the story be about Michael Vick owning a dog. The story will be about Michael Vick trying to reverse-jinx himself into remaining the starting quarterback.

The Steelers uniforms will be so ugly as to throw the Redskins all out of whack. Standing next to players in bumblebee uniforms will only make Mike Tomlin look even cooler.

In other words, Tomlin's plan will be a win-win.

The Chiefs will actually have to make the decision to go with Brady Quinn or Matt Cassel.

The Chiefs will actually make the decision to go with Brady Quinn. After going 2-for-4 for one yard with one interception against the Raiders, Quinn will then be replaced by Cassel after being diagnosed with what the team will call "a head injury." Romeo Crennell will be spotted getting rid of some sort of blunt object.

The 49ers will put a beatdown on the Cardinals. The 1972 Dolphins will need physical proof that Arizona was once undefeated this season.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Post NFL-Week 7 Predic...

I was going to make my Post NFL week 7 predictions. I really was. I sat down, all prepared to look into the future to tell you how last week's NFL games were going to play out.

But then I saw the news. Something so shocking, so upsetting, that I knew I would never be able to predict the past.

Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy broke up.

I couldn't believe what I was reading. A 22-year-old superstar musician and a high school senior couldn't make a relationship last past three months. If they couldn't make it work, what hope do the rest of us have?

Swift reacted the way any 22-year-old superstar who has allegedly broken up 12 times in the past four years: she cried on national television. It was like the exact opposite of Tom Cruise jumping on a couch proclaiming his love for Scientology Katie Holmes.

But what if Swift had planned this all along? What if she realized early in her career that she wrote better songs when she was sad? What if all of her dating was her way of getting the best out of herself? If she was a guy, would we be praising her for being liked to all of these A-list people?

So many questions, so few answers. So the predictions will be off this week, while I try to wrap my brain around this horrible news. And in a few weeks, when Swift begins dating again, and then a few months later when she breaks up, these feelings will come back again. That is my lone prediction for today.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Post NFL-Week 6 Predictions

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 6 based on the results of those games

David Akers will have a dream where he's kicking at Giants Stadium*, where he's 18-of-31 all-time.

When he wakes up, he will have missed two field goals in a loss to the Giants.

*I refuse to call Giants Stadium by any other name.

 The Titans' win over the Steelers will coincide with the return of running back Chris Johnson.

Wait, Johnson's been with the team all season?

Johnson will run for a palindrome-ish 91 yards on 19 carries and immediately after the game will proclaim himself to be the greatest running back of all time.

Prior to week 6, Atlanta is No. 1 in the NFL and Oakland is No. 2 in the NFL in penalties per game. Thankfully, the world will be right again after week 6, as the Raiders we know and love will finally show up. Oakland will commit 12 penalties for 110 yards in a loss to the Falcons.

Perhaps this will prove that the Mayans were wrong, after all.

The battle for Ohio will go to...Cleveland! The Browns will give outgoing owner Randy Lerner a going away present with a victory over Cincinnati.

Incoming owner Jimmy Haslam III will be warned not to get used to this.

The Eagles will give up a 10 point lead in an overtime loss to the Lions. After the game, Andy Reid will fire defensive coordinator Juan Castillo, because, you know, defense is the reason behind Michael Vick's 13 turnovers.

After announcing the Castillo firing, Reid will say, "We're six games into the season, and average isn't good enough. I know the potential of our team and insist on maximizing it."

Knowing average isn't good enough, it will be a tough decision, but in the end Reid will probably fire himself, too. That will be a tough conversation.

In one game, Jets running back Shonne Greene will accumulate more rushing yards than he had in his previous four games while leading New York to a win over the Colts.

The Jets will finally roll out their Tim Tebow package, and it will result in two first downs. Not to be outdone, Mark Sanchez will throw for 82 yards. So there's that.

Brady Quinn and the Chiefs (not a band name) will lose to the Bucs. After the game, Romeo Crennel will open up the quarterback competition to Quinn, Matt Cassel and somebody. Anybody. Bueller? Bueller?

The Baltimore Ravens will win and lose on the same day. They will beat the Cowboys, but Ray Lewis will suffer a season-ending injury.

Just when his acting career was starting up, too.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins will look at the Bills' overtime win over the Cardinals, and say, "seriously, Arizona was undefeated before week 5? That team?"

Cardinals backup-turned-starter-turned-backup-turned-starter-now-backup quarterback John Skelton will come off the bench to replace injured backup-turned-starter-turned-backup-turned-starter Kevin Kolb, and will throw a key interception in overtime.

Arizona: Where Backups Become Starters (Become Backups).

After week 6, rookie quarterback Russell Wilson will have led the Seahawks to wins over Aaron Rodgers* and Tom Brady.

You read that right.

*Victory brought to you by the NFL and its Replacement Refs

Wilson also has a win over Tony Romo, but really, who doesn't?

Only three players will rush for over 100 yards during week 6. One of them will be RGIII, who will out-rush the entire Vikings team in a Washington win.

Redskins running backs will combine for 45 yards on 19 carries. RGIII will gain more than three times the amount of yards on six fewer carries.

After the game, Griffin will suggest that maybe he not hand off, you know, ever.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins will toast Green Bay, which will knock Houston from the unbeaten list with a palindrome-ish 42-24 win.

Anytime you can mention palindromes twice in one piece, you have to take it. A Man, A Plan, A Canal, Panama!

Aaron Rodgers will throw for six touchdowns, tying the Packers' all-time record. With all their history, who previously set the record? Bart Starr in the 60s? Brett Fav-ruh in the 90s?

Matt Flynn. Last year. For some reason, this makes me sad.

Down 24-0 at the end of the first half, Peyton Manning. 'Nuff said.

It will officially be time to stop questioning Manning after his performance against the Chargers. Seriously. Stop. Even 80% Peyton Manning is better than 80% of the other NFL quarterbacks.

Broncos wide receiver Eric Decker will stumble and fall on his way to a sure touchdown in the first half. The NFL will open an investigation on Buffalo Wild Wings. The company will shrug its shoulders and say, "you had to be here."

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Post NFL-Week 5 Predictions

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 5 based on the results of those games

The Rams will defeat the Cardinals on Thursday Night Football. After the game, the 1972 Miami Dolphins will be asked if they celebrated Arizona's loss. The Dolphins will reply, "The Cardinals were undefeated?!"

The Fightin' Bradys will defeat the Cardiac Mannings in what will probably be the last matchup between Tom and Peyton. After the game, Tom will tell Peyton, "I hate your younger brother," and Peyton will say, "So do I."

In this week's installment of "When Sibling Rivalry Attacks," the Giants will improve to 3-0 on days when the Denver Broncos lose. In a related story, the Broncos are 2-0 when the Giants lose. When reached for comment, Eli Manning will say, "well of course, I mean that's why Peyton signed with Denver, so that we wouldn't meet in the Super Bowl." When informed that Peyton signed with Denver so that the brothers wouldn't meet until the Super Bowl, a flustered Eli will shout "Baba Booey Baba Booey" and hang up the phone.

Dolphins cornerback Reshad Jones will clinch his team's win over Cincinnati with an interception with 1:22 remaining. He will then do an interview with Jim Rome, who will call Jones "Rashida."

In a related story, Jim Rome's still got it!

In a rare real-life Hollywood ending, with their coach in the hospital battling Leukemia, the Colts will come from behind to defeat a Super Bowl favorite.

All they will need is a little bit of Luck, and a Lil Wayne. I mean, a little Wayne.

In the Chiefs' loss to Baltimore, Jamaal Charles will become the first 100-yard rusher against the Ravens this season, and the first to do so against Baltimore in the regular season since Peyton Hillis last year.

Charles' performance means the last two running backs to rush for 100 yards in a regular season game against the Ravens are both Chiefs.

Something to smile about, right Kansas City? Right?!? STOP BOOING ME!!

Giants, Browns: CRUUUUUUUUZZZZ

'Nuff said.

The battle of Pennsylvania will go to Pittsburgh, with the help of the Philadelphia quarterback.

The battle of "coolest coach" between Mike Tomlin and Andy Reid will officially be labeled as "not a fair contest."

Pop Quiz, hotshot: what will be the bigger story, the Falcons getting to 5-0 or 36-year-old Tony Gonzalez catching 13 passes for 123 yards and a touchdown?

Trick question, none of the above. RGIII! Concussion! Get out of bounds!

For the second-straight year, Carolina will begin its season 1-4.

In the fifth game of his rookie year, Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson will accomplish what it took Cam Newton 11 games to do last season: win three games.

The Bears' Charles Tillman and Lance Briggs will combine to outscore eight teams during week 5. Luckily, one of those teams will NOT be Chicago's offense.

After week 5, two NFC North teams will be 4-1. Raise your hand if you picked Chicago and Minnesota to be those two teams.

That's what I thought, nobody.

In his team's loss to the Vikings, Tennessee running back Chris Johnson will rush for 24 yards on 15 carries with a "long" run of 9 yards, which means he rushed for 14 yards on 14 carries without that "long" run.

With the over/under set at 30-yards for CJ, raise your hand if you picked the under.

That's what I thought, everybody.

The 49ers will run up the Bills.

No joke, San Francisco will destroy Buffalo.

After week 5, the Bills will be giving up an average of 48.3 points in their three losses. They should really sign a big-name defensive player. Maybe someone to shore up the D-line.

The Saints without Sean Payton: 0-4

The Saints with Sean Payton in attendance: 1-0.

Drew Brees will not wait long to break Johnny Unitas' record for consecutive games with a TD pass, accomplishing the feat just over eight minutes into the game. After the record-setting play, those sitting in the luxury suite with Payton will hear him mutter, "Brees would've broken the record in the FIRST minute if I were coach."

With Santonio Holmes and Stephen Hill on the sidelines and out for the season, the Jets will fall to the Texans. When asked about the possibility of signing Plaxico Burress, New York general manager Mike Tannenbaum will say, "why would we want a guy who caught 8 TDs for us last year when we have Chaz Schilens?

TO will send a tweet to the Jets to let them know he's available. It will be a two-front embarrassment to his faded career, because a) they still won't want him, and 2) he will send a tweet to the Jets to let them know he's available.

Actually a three-front embarrassment, because iii) no one will care.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Post NFL-Week 4 Predictions

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 4 based on the results of those games

For the first time in the history of ever, referees will be given a standing ovation.

The referees won't make an extraordinarily good call to cause this celebration.

They will simply show up.

The end of the first game back will be very similar to the end of the game that brought the officials back in the first place, in that a hail mary will sail towards the end zone with the game on the line.

Actually, two hail marys will sail towards the end zone with the game on the line, and they will sail right on by the end zone out of bounds. Ladies and gentlemen, your Cleveland Browns!

Brandon Weeden will throw for 320 yards against the Ravens, the third-straight game the Baltimore defense will have allowed the opposing quarterback to pass for more than 300 yards.

Baltimore gave up three 300-yard passing games all of last season. 

Somewhere, Colt McCoy is saying, "yeah, I probably couldn't have done that."

The Ravens will still win, proving once again that God hates Cleveland.

Somewhere in Los Angeles, 2,400 miles from Cleveland, Drew Carey is nodding sadly.

Leading by one, in a fourth-and-one situation at the Falcons' 45 with just over a minute remaining, the Panthers will put its faith in a defense that will have already given up a 49-yard TD pass and a 60-yard TD pass, rather than a quarterback who will have 96 yards on eight carries already in the game (9.6 yards per carry).

The Panthers will do everything by the book: punt and down the ball at the one-yard line with 1:09 remaining.

They will still lose.

Investigation is ongoing whether God hates all locations that start with the letter "C."

The Patriots will score more points in the fourth quarter than the Bills will during the entire game.

But on the bright side for Buffalo, 100 million-dollar man Mario Williams will have a tackle for loss. So there's that.

After the game, an embarrassing photo of Brandon Lloyd will make the rounds across the internet.

He will be caught smiling as he scores a touchdown, and everyone knows how Bill Belichick feels about smiling. Sadly, Brandon Lloyd will never be heard from again.

After week four, two NFC North teams will be 3-1, while the other two will be 2-2 and 1-3, respectively.

This will not be a surprise.

The two 3-1 teams will be Minnesota and Chicago, with Green Bay at 2-2* and Detroit at 1-3.

WHAAAATTT?!?!?!?!

*-Shouldbe3-1butreplacementrefsignoredanoffensivepassinterferenceandgreenbaydidnotknocktheball downeventhoughtheyshouldhavebecausethat'swhatyouaretrainedtodoinhailmarysituations.

The New Orleans-Green Bay game will be decided by three kicks in the space of one play. Saints kicker Garret Hartly will make a 43-yarder, line up for a 53-yarder and miss a 48-yarder, all in one play.

After week 4, New Orleans will be 0-4 and Arizona will be 4-0.

So it looks like the Mayans will be correct. That stinks.

The Chargers will be a very un-Norm-al 3-1 after the first four games of the season.

Peyton Manning will do a great Peyton Manning impersonation while leading the Broncos to a dominant win over the Raiders.

In 2010, Oakland was last in the NFL in penalties per game (9.2). The team finished 8-8.

In 2011, Oakland was last in the NFL in penalties per game (10.2). The team finished 8-8.

After week 4 in 2012, Oakland will be second in the NFL in penalties per game (4.8). The team will be 1-3.

Somewhere, Al Davis is spitting in the face of "discipline."

The Rams will defeat the Seahawks. Karma, Seattle. Seattle, Karma.

Seahawks receiver Golden Tate will finish with one catch for seven yards.

It will be much harder for him to get open when he is unable to shove defenders out of the way.

Somewhere, all Green Bay fans just said that same exact thing.

San Francisco will go all JJ Abrams-Revolution on the Jets, sending them into a tailspin into what will inevitably be an explosion.

Can't wait!

Somehow, miraculously, NYJ will be 2-2 after its loss to the 49ers.

Somehow Tim Tebow is to blame/praise.

The Giants will do everything they can to give Lawrence Tynes an opportunity to fail.

And fail he shall. Twice. Two times the heartbreak!

The Texans will defeat the Titans to quietly improve to 4-0.

On the bright spot for Tennessee, Chris Johnson will have more rushing yards against Houston (141) than in his previous four games combined (113).

The Bengals will win their third straight, defeating Jacksonville.

Cincinnati's three wins were against teams with a combined three wins. Cincinnati's one loss was against a team with three wins. Ladies and gentlemen, your Cincinnati Bengals!

The Cowboys will fall to da Bears on MNF, dropping to 14-12 at Jerry World since it opened in 2009.

Take away Dallas' 6-2 record in Jerry World's inaugural season, and the team will be 8-10 at home over the past three seasons after week 4.

Jerry can take solace that it's not the stadium, it's the team. They don't think much of the stadium.

Tampa Bay will find itself trailing Washington, 21-3, before storming back to take a 22-21 lead, before forgetting to play defense for the final 1:42 of the game, before losing said game by two.

Since their head coach's decision to bust up the line on the final play against the Giants, the Bucs are 0-2, with both losses coming to NFC East teams.

Karma, Greg Schiano. Greg Schiano, Karma.