Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Post NFL-Week 4 Predictions

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 4 based on the results of those games

For the first time in the history of ever, referees will be given a standing ovation.

The referees won't make an extraordinarily good call to cause this celebration.

They will simply show up.

The end of the first game back will be very similar to the end of the game that brought the officials back in the first place, in that a hail mary will sail towards the end zone with the game on the line.

Actually, two hail marys will sail towards the end zone with the game on the line, and they will sail right on by the end zone out of bounds. Ladies and gentlemen, your Cleveland Browns!

Brandon Weeden will throw for 320 yards against the Ravens, the third-straight game the Baltimore defense will have allowed the opposing quarterback to pass for more than 300 yards.

Baltimore gave up three 300-yard passing games all of last season. 

Somewhere, Colt McCoy is saying, "yeah, I probably couldn't have done that."

The Ravens will still win, proving once again that God hates Cleveland.

Somewhere in Los Angeles, 2,400 miles from Cleveland, Drew Carey is nodding sadly.

Leading by one, in a fourth-and-one situation at the Falcons' 45 with just over a minute remaining, the Panthers will put its faith in a defense that will have already given up a 49-yard TD pass and a 60-yard TD pass, rather than a quarterback who will have 96 yards on eight carries already in the game (9.6 yards per carry).

The Panthers will do everything by the book: punt and down the ball at the one-yard line with 1:09 remaining.

They will still lose.

Investigation is ongoing whether God hates all locations that start with the letter "C."

The Patriots will score more points in the fourth quarter than the Bills will during the entire game.

But on the bright side for Buffalo, 100 million-dollar man Mario Williams will have a tackle for loss. So there's that.

After the game, an embarrassing photo of Brandon Lloyd will make the rounds across the internet.

He will be caught smiling as he scores a touchdown, and everyone knows how Bill Belichick feels about smiling. Sadly, Brandon Lloyd will never be heard from again.

After week four, two NFC North teams will be 3-1, while the other two will be 2-2 and 1-3, respectively.

This will not be a surprise.

The two 3-1 teams will be Minnesota and Chicago, with Green Bay at 2-2* and Detroit at 1-3.


*-Shouldbe3-1butreplacementrefsignoredanoffensivepassinterferenceandgreenbaydidnotknocktheball downeventhoughtheyshouldhavebecausethat'swhatyouaretrainedtodoinhailmarysituations.

The New Orleans-Green Bay game will be decided by three kicks in the space of one play. Saints kicker Garret Hartly will make a 43-yarder, line up for a 53-yarder and miss a 48-yarder, all in one play.

After week 4, New Orleans will be 0-4 and Arizona will be 4-0.

So it looks like the Mayans will be correct. That stinks.

The Chargers will be a very un-Norm-al 3-1 after the first four games of the season.

Peyton Manning will do a great Peyton Manning impersonation while leading the Broncos to a dominant win over the Raiders.

In 2010, Oakland was last in the NFL in penalties per game (9.2). The team finished 8-8.

In 2011, Oakland was last in the NFL in penalties per game (10.2). The team finished 8-8.

After week 4 in 2012, Oakland will be second in the NFL in penalties per game (4.8). The team will be 1-3.

Somewhere, Al Davis is spitting in the face of "discipline."

The Rams will defeat the Seahawks. Karma, Seattle. Seattle, Karma.

Seahawks receiver Golden Tate will finish with one catch for seven yards.

It will be much harder for him to get open when he is unable to shove defenders out of the way.

Somewhere, all Green Bay fans just said that same exact thing.

San Francisco will go all JJ Abrams-Revolution on the Jets, sending them into a tailspin into what will inevitably be an explosion.

Can't wait!

Somehow, miraculously, NYJ will be 2-2 after its loss to the 49ers.

Somehow Tim Tebow is to blame/praise.

The Giants will do everything they can to give Lawrence Tynes an opportunity to fail.

And fail he shall. Twice. Two times the heartbreak!

The Texans will defeat the Titans to quietly improve to 4-0.

On the bright spot for Tennessee, Chris Johnson will have more rushing yards against Houston (141) than in his previous four games combined (113).

The Bengals will win their third straight, defeating Jacksonville.

Cincinnati's three wins were against teams with a combined three wins. Cincinnati's one loss was against a team with three wins. Ladies and gentlemen, your Cincinnati Bengals!

The Cowboys will fall to da Bears on MNF, dropping to 14-12 at Jerry World since it opened in 2009.

Take away Dallas' 6-2 record in Jerry World's inaugural season, and the team will be 8-10 at home over the past three seasons after week 4.

Jerry can take solace that it's not the stadium, it's the team. They don't think much of the stadium.

Tampa Bay will find itself trailing Washington, 21-3, before storming back to take a 22-21 lead, before forgetting to play defense for the final 1:42 of the game, before losing said game by two.

Since their head coach's decision to bust up the line on the final play against the Giants, the Bucs are 0-2, with both losses coming to NFC East teams.

Karma, Greg Schiano. Greg Schiano, Karma.

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