Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Post NFL-Week 5 Predictions

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 5 based on the results of those games

The Rams will defeat the Cardinals on Thursday Night Football. After the game, the 1972 Miami Dolphins will be asked if they celebrated Arizona's loss. The Dolphins will reply, "The Cardinals were undefeated?!"

The Fightin' Bradys will defeat the Cardiac Mannings in what will probably be the last matchup between Tom and Peyton. After the game, Tom will tell Peyton, "I hate your younger brother," and Peyton will say, "So do I."

In this week's installment of "When Sibling Rivalry Attacks," the Giants will improve to 3-0 on days when the Denver Broncos lose. In a related story, the Broncos are 2-0 when the Giants lose. When reached for comment, Eli Manning will say, "well of course, I mean that's why Peyton signed with Denver, so that we wouldn't meet in the Super Bowl." When informed that Peyton signed with Denver so that the brothers wouldn't meet until the Super Bowl, a flustered Eli will shout "Baba Booey Baba Booey" and hang up the phone.

Dolphins cornerback Reshad Jones will clinch his team's win over Cincinnati with an interception with 1:22 remaining. He will then do an interview with Jim Rome, who will call Jones "Rashida."

In a related story, Jim Rome's still got it!

In a rare real-life Hollywood ending, with their coach in the hospital battling Leukemia, the Colts will come from behind to defeat a Super Bowl favorite.

All they will need is a little bit of Luck, and a Lil Wayne. I mean, a little Wayne.

In the Chiefs' loss to Baltimore, Jamaal Charles will become the first 100-yard rusher against the Ravens this season, and the first to do so against Baltimore in the regular season since Peyton Hillis last year.

Charles' performance means the last two running backs to rush for 100 yards in a regular season game against the Ravens are both Chiefs.

Something to smile about, right Kansas City? Right?!? STOP BOOING ME!!

Giants, Browns: CRUUUUUUUUZZZZ

'Nuff said.

The battle of Pennsylvania will go to Pittsburgh, with the help of the Philadelphia quarterback.

The battle of "coolest coach" between Mike Tomlin and Andy Reid will officially be labeled as "not a fair contest."

Pop Quiz, hotshot: what will be the bigger story, the Falcons getting to 5-0 or 36-year-old Tony Gonzalez catching 13 passes for 123 yards and a touchdown?

Trick question, none of the above. RGIII! Concussion! Get out of bounds!

For the second-straight year, Carolina will begin its season 1-4.

In the fifth game of his rookie year, Seattle quarterback Russell Wilson will accomplish what it took Cam Newton 11 games to do last season: win three games.

The Bears' Charles Tillman and Lance Briggs will combine to outscore eight teams during week 5. Luckily, one of those teams will NOT be Chicago's offense.

After week 5, two NFC North teams will be 4-1. Raise your hand if you picked Chicago and Minnesota to be those two teams.

That's what I thought, nobody.

In his team's loss to the Vikings, Tennessee running back Chris Johnson will rush for 24 yards on 15 carries with a "long" run of 9 yards, which means he rushed for 14 yards on 14 carries without that "long" run.

With the over/under set at 30-yards for CJ, raise your hand if you picked the under.

That's what I thought, everybody.

The 49ers will run up the Bills.

No joke, San Francisco will destroy Buffalo.

After week 5, the Bills will be giving up an average of 48.3 points in their three losses. They should really sign a big-name defensive player. Maybe someone to shore up the D-line.

The Saints without Sean Payton: 0-4

The Saints with Sean Payton in attendance: 1-0.

Drew Brees will not wait long to break Johnny Unitas' record for consecutive games with a TD pass, accomplishing the feat just over eight minutes into the game. After the record-setting play, those sitting in the luxury suite with Payton will hear him mutter, "Brees would've broken the record in the FIRST minute if I were coach."

With Santonio Holmes and Stephen Hill on the sidelines and out for the season, the Jets will fall to the Texans. When asked about the possibility of signing Plaxico Burress, New York general manager Mike Tannenbaum will say, "why would we want a guy who caught 8 TDs for us last year when we have Chaz Schilens?

TO will send a tweet to the Jets to let them know he's available. It will be a two-front embarrassment to his faded career, because a) they still won't want him, and 2) he will send a tweet to the Jets to let them know he's available.

Actually a three-front embarrassment, because iii) no one will care.

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