Thursday, October 18, 2012

Post NFL-Week 6 Predictions

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 6 based on the results of those games

David Akers will have a dream where he's kicking at Giants Stadium*, where he's 18-of-31 all-time.

When he wakes up, he will have missed two field goals in a loss to the Giants.

*I refuse to call Giants Stadium by any other name.

 The Titans' win over the Steelers will coincide with the return of running back Chris Johnson.

Wait, Johnson's been with the team all season?

Johnson will run for a palindrome-ish 91 yards on 19 carries and immediately after the game will proclaim himself to be the greatest running back of all time.

Prior to week 6, Atlanta is No. 1 in the NFL and Oakland is No. 2 in the NFL in penalties per game. Thankfully, the world will be right again after week 6, as the Raiders we know and love will finally show up. Oakland will commit 12 penalties for 110 yards in a loss to the Falcons.

Perhaps this will prove that the Mayans were wrong, after all.

The battle for Ohio will go to...Cleveland! The Browns will give outgoing owner Randy Lerner a going away present with a victory over Cincinnati.

Incoming owner Jimmy Haslam III will be warned not to get used to this.

The Eagles will give up a 10 point lead in an overtime loss to the Lions. After the game, Andy Reid will fire defensive coordinator Juan Castillo, because, you know, defense is the reason behind Michael Vick's 13 turnovers.

After announcing the Castillo firing, Reid will say, "We're six games into the season, and average isn't good enough. I know the potential of our team and insist on maximizing it."

Knowing average isn't good enough, it will be a tough decision, but in the end Reid will probably fire himself, too. That will be a tough conversation.

In one game, Jets running back Shonne Greene will accumulate more rushing yards than he had in his previous four games while leading New York to a win over the Colts.

The Jets will finally roll out their Tim Tebow package, and it will result in two first downs. Not to be outdone, Mark Sanchez will throw for 82 yards. So there's that.

Brady Quinn and the Chiefs (not a band name) will lose to the Bucs. After the game, Romeo Crennel will open up the quarterback competition to Quinn, Matt Cassel and somebody. Anybody. Bueller? Bueller?

The Baltimore Ravens will win and lose on the same day. They will beat the Cowboys, but Ray Lewis will suffer a season-ending injury.

Just when his acting career was starting up, too.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins will look at the Bills' overtime win over the Cardinals, and say, "seriously, Arizona was undefeated before week 5? That team?"

Cardinals backup-turned-starter-turned-backup-turned-starter-now-backup quarterback John Skelton will come off the bench to replace injured backup-turned-starter-turned-backup-turned-starter Kevin Kolb, and will throw a key interception in overtime.

Arizona: Where Backups Become Starters (Become Backups).

After week 6, rookie quarterback Russell Wilson will have led the Seahawks to wins over Aaron Rodgers* and Tom Brady.

You read that right.

*Victory brought to you by the NFL and its Replacement Refs

Wilson also has a win over Tony Romo, but really, who doesn't?

Only three players will rush for over 100 yards during week 6. One of them will be RGIII, who will out-rush the entire Vikings team in a Washington win.

Redskins running backs will combine for 45 yards on 19 carries. RGIII will gain more than three times the amount of yards on six fewer carries.

After the game, Griffin will suggest that maybe he not hand off, you know, ever.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins will toast Green Bay, which will knock Houston from the unbeaten list with a palindrome-ish 42-24 win.

Anytime you can mention palindromes twice in one piece, you have to take it. A Man, A Plan, A Canal, Panama!

Aaron Rodgers will throw for six touchdowns, tying the Packers' all-time record. With all their history, who previously set the record? Bart Starr in the 60s? Brett Fav-ruh in the 90s?

Matt Flynn. Last year. For some reason, this makes me sad.

Down 24-0 at the end of the first half, Peyton Manning. 'Nuff said.

It will officially be time to stop questioning Manning after his performance against the Chargers. Seriously. Stop. Even 80% Peyton Manning is better than 80% of the other NFL quarterbacks.

Broncos wide receiver Eric Decker will stumble and fall on his way to a sure touchdown in the first half. The NFL will open an investigation on Buffalo Wild Wings. The company will shrug its shoulders and say, "you had to be here."

No comments: