Monday, January 14, 2013

Balls Of Gold

I’ll admit it – I was hoping the Texans-Patriots game would end before the Golden Globes kicked off. There was even a part of me that was a little bummed I missed the red carpets, because who doesn’t like looking at pretty ladies and handsome gentlemen all decked out and then making fun of every little thing that they do? So when the Patriots wrapped up their berth to the AFC Championship at 6:55 pm, I waited a beat so that I could seem manly, then switched over to NBC.

In what amounts to be a direct rip off of Bill Simmons’ Draft Diaries, here is my Golden Globes, umm, Journal. Get ready for a healthy dose of snark.

7:59 pm (ET) The Today show folk are getting their final thoughts in as the voice-in-the-background guy counts us down to the beginning of the Globes. Matt Lauer essentially has to shout to be heard over the voice-in-the-background guy. “I wonder if they know that we can hear that guy,” says my wife. Ever the professional, Lauer counts down the final five seconds with voice-in-the-background guy. This is already a fun show.

8:00 pm (ET) Amy Poehler and Tina Fey come out, and they look great. You don’t think Poehler looking awesome has anything to do with her recent breakup with Will Arnett, do you? For that matter, Arnett looks pretty good too lately. Nah, probably a coincidence.

8:03 pm (ET) Poehler with a zinger about Kathryn Bigelow’s marriage to James Cameron. Joaquim Phoenix looks like he doesn’t get it. He also looks like he doesn’t know where he is.

8:04 pm (ET) Cut to Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, then a strange cut to Mel Gibson and Jodie Foster. Are we supposed to look at Gibson and Foster as a happy couple? For that matter, with all the flack that Gibson gets for his anti-Jewish rants, shouldn’t Foster and Robert Downey, Jr. get some of the shrapnel? I think it’s great to give people second (or third, or fourth) chances, but it certainly doesn’t appear that Gibson feels he has ever done any wrong and it makes Foster/Downey Jr. look like they are as blind to Gibson’s issues as he is.

8:05 pm (ET) Back to fun and tomfoolery. Fey and Poehler are already better than Anne Hathaway and James Franco. And they just made sure to point that out.

8:08 pm (ET) Fey and Poehler  make a joke about Daniel Day-Lewis, who plays along. Who knew he had a sense of humor?!

8:12 pm (ET) Kerry Washington gets as close to a Golden Globe as she ever will, accepting on Maggie Smith’s behalf.

8:19 pm (ET) With all these great actors on the stage as Game Chance gets an award, the only one I focus on is the smallest one. Boy, Doyle from Gilmore Girls is short. Like, really small. He actually co-wrote Game Change. Also, I just found out his real name is Danny Strong.

8:20 pm (ET) Hey Game Change guy: leave the jokes to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Actually, anyone who’s not a professional comedian – leave the jokes at home. It’s just embarrassing for the rest of us. And not Michael Scott embarrassing that makes us laugh. Just embarrassing.

8:22 pm (ET) Julianne Moore makes an inside joke that falls predictably flat, as she is the only one who gets it. She then gets music-ed off the stage. Which is BS. The Game Change guy got at least two more minutes.

8:29 pm (ET) Good move bringing out the Hollywood Foreign Press President on the early side of the broadcast. Usually they bring the presidents out near the end in what amounts to a “time to not pay attention for a few minutes.” And she’s funny!! That’s also a first.

8:35 pm (ET) Either Salma Hayek and Paul Rudd decided to go on strike for a bigger pay day or there was a malfunction with the teleprompter. So finally someone just starts showing clips of TV Series – Drama. Good thing Rudd is so damn likeable (and Hayek is so damn hot) – they totally pull it off!

By the way, if 10 years ago I told you that Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis was going to co-star in a series of commercials with Paul Rudd, and was actually going to come out being as likeable as Rudd, you would have laughed me out of the room.

8:41 pm (ET) A promo for NBC’s Deception comes on. Or as I like to call it, ABC’s Revenge but on NBC. God Bless the originality of Hollywood!

8:42 pm (ET) Tony Mendez can break Americans out of Iran but he can’t handle talking to a group of Hollywood people. And apparently he has never used a microphone before in his life. That was cool to see him, but painful to watch.

8:45 pm (ET) Anyone else think that Jason Statham was hitting on J Lo? Not cool, bro. Plus, she only goes for guys 20 years younger who dance.

8:47 pm (ET) No surprise, the music guy gets music-ed off. Know your place bro.

8:48 pm (ET) If Adele doesn’t win best song, I give up on the Hollywood Press. She wins! And then her accent promptly makes me think that she should totally say, “ello, guvnor.”

8:52 pm (ET) For the third time, the Sophie Vergara-Diet Pepsi-Wedding commercial plays. That’s about three times too many.

8:54 pm (ET) Keifer Sutherland and Jessica Alba come out to present. I feel like the announcer should say, “One is a Golden Globe nominee. The other is hot. You decided which title belongs to which actor.”

8:56 At one point, they should have Fey/Poehler win the award as their character. It’s a funny bit though. Well played, ladies. Well played.

8:58 pm (ET) Kevin Costner thanks people from Romania. I would have gone with Norway.

9:00 pm (ET) Bill Clinton comes out to present Lincoln. He gets a standing ovation. He is then upstaged by Amy Poehler and Tina Fey. Fey’s “Bill Rodham Clinton” goes completely unnoticed by the room.

9:02 pm (ET) Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig are awesome. It really makes a difference to have people with experience performing live on stage. Tommy Lee Jones is not impressed. McKayla Maroney – you’ve been served.

9:06 pm (ET) Jennifer Lawrence (heretofore known as J-Law) has a great acceptance speech. In a few weeks, when we find out Bradley Cooper is dating J-Law, he will officially join the "guys I want to hate but can't because they seem cool" club.

I hate those guys.

9:12 pm (ET) Jamie Foxx comes out. Who else thought he was going to say a certain word? Tarantino, of course. What did you think I meant?

9:18 pm (ET) Fourth time for the Sofia Vergara-Diet Pepsi-Wedding commercial. Oh, now I get it!

9:21 pm (ET) Robert Pattinson seems as boring in person as he does in his movies.

9:24 pm (ET) Quentin Tarantino wins for Best Writer. He says the N word exactly zero times.

9:26 pm (ET) We go from Tarantino to Jeremy Irons. My head is spinning.

9:27 pm (ET) How many kids is Lucy Liu hiding under her dress?

9:32 pm (ET) Stallone and Schwarzenegger present best foreign film. The winner, some guy from Austria, is easier to understand than either of them.

9:35 pm (ET) Claire Danes has the crazy eyes.

9:45 pm (ET) Brave wins best animated. The director wraps up his speech thisclose to getting music-ed off.

9:52 pm (ET) Pretty sure that’s the first time Lena Dunham has ever walked in heels.

9:53 pm (ET) Lena Dunham starts her speech by calling Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Zooey Deschanel old. I mean the first three, sure, but Zooey Deschanel is like my age!

9:58 pm (ET) Tina Fey with an awesome zinger about Taylor Swift. Poehler and Fey not pulling punches, which I enjoy. What I do not enjoy, is that we do not get to see Taylor Swift’s reaction to said joke. Damn you, NBC!

10:00 pm (ET) I didn’t get Robert Downey Jr.’s hamster joke. I’m guessing most of the room didn’t either.

10:05 pm (ET) I think Jodie Foster had the same stuff that Robert Downey, Jr. did. What did they put in those hamsters?!

10:09 Mel Gibson looks as confused as the rest of us.

10:12 Jodie Foster wraps up. I’m sure her speech was meaningful and powerful, but I didn’t get a word of it. I feel dumb, smart, weird, normal, refreshed and exhausted all at the same time.

My assumption was that Foster was basically saying her life has been a reality show since she got into showbiz, and that it's a very lonely existence. Which certainly went over well with the Hollywood crowd, but  left us "normal" folk (i.e. the fans) a little confused. I mean, isn't fame part of the showbiz lifestyle? And didn't you choose to go into showbiz? I get that it must be hard to have your every action photographed and plastered over tabloids/newspapers/websites, but I'm guessing people who are living paycheck to paycheck would welcome dealing with paparazzi if it meant they were set financially. And besides, when is the last time we saw Jodie Foster in any tabloid/newspaper/website? Other than today, which is a direct result of her speech at the Golden Globes. My head is spinning again.

I saw that people are upset with Foster did not straight out saying, "I am gay." Which also confused me, because I thought it was a universally known fact that she was gay. Does she really need to
tell us what we already know? And if she's feeling so lonely, maybe she should open up about her life, let us all in a little bit. We've been fans of yours for a long time, Jodie. We won't bite. I promise.

10:17 pm (ET) I actually pumped my fist when Ben Affleck was named Best Director. What a great movie Argo was. I would like to ask the Hollywood gods to make sure that Affleck and Garner stay together. They seem like a normal couple, which is rare even for normal couples.

10:18 pm (ET) The troops are mentioned for the first time tonight. Who’s directing this thing, Mitt Romney?!

10:21 pm (ET) I see Fallon and Leno, and I'm reminded of Jimmy Kimmel’s joke: "you know, Jay Leno used to be a comedian!” I know the networks use these award shows to pump their own shows/actors, but couldn’t they have just used Fallon? He, unlike Jay, is actually funny.

10:22 pm (ET) Oh good, Lena Dunham gets another chance to practice walking in heels.

10:23 pm (ET) Me: Who is that behind Lena Dunham? Looks like a younger Amanda Peet.

My wife: Oh that’s Brian Williams’ daughter.

Me: Oh. How about that.

10:26 pm (ET) Fifth time they are showing the Sofia Vergara-Diet Pepsi-Wedding commercial. Nope, I was wrong. I don’t get it at all.

10:29 pm (ET) Christian Bale comes out to present Silver Linings Playbook. I wonder if he knows he’s referring to American football, and not, you know, footie football.

10:31 pm (ET) I gotta say, Hugh Jackman does a great Australian accent.

10:35 pm (ET) It occurs to me that since the opening of the show, we’ve only seen Tina Fey and Amy Poehler a handful of times. Which is a kush gig for them, but a bummer for us.

10:36 pm (ET)The Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas has an ad with models taking pictures with a bunch of puppies and kitties and bunnies. Then a model takes a bunny and puts it outside the hotel, and the tagline is “just the right amount of wrong.” So did that one bunny make it the wrong amount of wrong? I’m very confused.

10:38 pm (ET) Jeremy Renner is dreamy. Oh wait is this thing on?

10:39 pm (ET) Jeremy Renner swears. Mel Gibson looks confused again.

10:39:30 It occurs to me that the presenters for Best Film are actors who previously worked with the nominees’ directors. Jeremy Renner – Kathryn Bigelow – Hurt Locker. Christian Bale – David O. Russell – The Fighter. Liev Schreiber – Ang Lee – Taking Woodstock. The only two that did not work with the director in question was Bill Clinton (duh) for Steven Spielberg, and Josh Brolin and Wes Anderson. And yes, I just spent 15 minutes searching IMDB to see which movie Brolin worked on that Anderson directed.

10:40 pm (ET) Of the five movies nominated for Best Comedy-Musical, are any of them actually a comedy? I feel like Les Mis won simply because it’s the only movie that qualifies as either a musical or a comedy. All the other movies seem more like dramas with funny elements. The HFPA should really look into that.

10:43 pm (ET) My dog is running in his sleep. I wonder if you can burn calories that way? If so, sign me up for that!

10:45 pm (ET) An ad for Silver Linings Playbook comes on, featuring a number of scenes with Bradley Cooper and J-Law face to face. My thought: boy I hope both of them have good breath when filming those scenes.

10:47 pm (ET) My dog just farted. He is the king of SBDs.

10:49 pm (ET) KATHRYN BIGELOW IS 61 YEARS OLD. MIND – BLOWN.

10:50 pm (ET) George Clooney is announcing the Best Actor nominations. The look on Denzel's face said: "I know I'm not winning let's get this stupid thing over with."

10:52 pm (ET) Daniel Day-Lewis is getting music-ed off. I give up.

10:54 pm (ET) Number six for Sofia Vergara-Diet Pepsi-Wedding commercial. I was hoping for the Golden Globes orchestra to music the commercial off, but no such luck.

10:57 pm (ET) Argo wins in an upset over Lincoln! Argo is the Butler of the Golden Globes, if Hayward's shot had gone in.

10:59 pm (ET) Is this the first awards show that finished before 11pm? I guess there was a method to the orchestra’s madness. Well played, music-off director. Well played.

11:00 pm (ET) Seth MacFarlane has some big shoes to live up to. Well actually some small shoes, but there are two pairs, so that makes them big. Either way, the bar has been set Seth – make sure you bring your A game to the Oscars.

CORRECTION
My father out-pop-cultured me and pointed out that Ben Affleck's wife is in fact, Jennifer Garner, and not Amy Garner. No idea where Amy came from. I blame Jodie Foster's speech (which didn't occur until after I wrote that particular comment, but still).

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