Saturday, January 26, 2013

Post-NFC/AFC Championship Predictions

Predictions made prior to the NFL Championship Weekend based on the results of those games

Thank goodness there's no football this weekend, otherwise I'd be really late with these predictions! What's that you say? The Pro Bowl is this weekend? My statement stands.

The AFC and NFC Champions will be decided. For the first time in nine years, the Super Bowl will not include a Manning, a Brady or a Roethlisberger.

It will, however, include a Koch and a Cox.

I'm 34 and names like that still make me laugh.

Two brothers will be coaching against each other in the Super Bowl. Social media will be awash in lines such as: "first time two brothers will coach against each other since Tony Dungy's Colts faced Lovie Smith's Bears" or "it'll be nice to see two brothers coaching against each other, since there won't be any brothers in the NFL next season."

This is funny not funny because of this.

But you know what will be funny? The Harbaugh's Fourth of July Family get-together. It will be the greatest video never recorded. Think about it! The family will want to congratulate the winner, but you can't congratulate too much because the loser is sitting right down there at the end of the table. Plus they'll want to sympathize with the loser, but how awkward would that be for both brothers? Moreover, the loser won't want to seem like a whiner and the winner won't want to seem like a gloater and the family won't want to be overly happy for one and/or overly sad for the other...then, to add another wrinkle, what if Indiana men's basketball doesn't make it to even the Sweet 16 in the NCAA Tournament? Hoosiers head coach Tom Crean is married to Jim and John's now you have the family congratulating one brother (but not too much) while sympathizing with the other brother (but not too much) while pretty much ignoring the brother-in-law (but not too much)...WHY IS ESPN NOT DOING A PREEMPTIVE 30-FOR-30 ON THIS?!?!

On the plus side, the Har-bowl will take some of the spotlight off the Ray Lewis Retirement Tour.

In a story NOBODY saw coming, Jim Caldwell will get back to the Super Bowl before Peyton Manning.

In the championship games, the higher seeds...will both lose. The teams with home field advantage...will both lose. The teams that hold halftime leads...will both lose. The teams that connect on field goals...will both lose.

When in doubt, blame the kickers. Except not David Akers. That guy can't miss!

Prior to the Championship games, John and Jim Harbaugh will each remember a lesson they learned from their father, Jack, who once told them, "boys, if you're ever coaching in the NFL, and you get to the AFC or NFC Championship game, this is what you must do: do not score in the first quarter. Score seven points each in two of the quarters and 14 in the other quarter. Finish the game with 28 points. Trail at halftime. Do not make a field goal."

Mission accomplished, dad.

The 49ers, Falcons and Ravens will all score more points in one quarter than the Patriots will in the entire game. This would only be awkward if New England led the NFL in yards per game and scoring during the regular season.

After the game, Bill Belichick will say this: "We gave up too many points and didn’t score enough."

That's why he's a football genius, ladies and gentlemen. 

Colin Kaepernick will attempt to redefine flexing as "Kaepernicking."

Pretty sure football has reached its allotment of [insert last name here]-ing, with Tebow-ing and Te'o-ing. Plus, you can't take something that already has a name and rename it to your name simply because you do it once or twice. Otherwise, annoying people by channel surfing so as to avoid commercials and missing parts of the show you were watching because you didn't flip back in time would be called RL-ing.

Roger Goodell will shamelessly attempt to make Saints fans love him by reinstating Sean Payton less than two weeks before the Super Bowl, which will take place in....New Orleans.

George W. Bush will be heard telling Roger Goodell: "Goody, you're doing a heck of a job."

It will be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that Beyonce is a real fraud. No, Beyonce is fraudulently real. No, Beyonce is just a singer and WHO CARES IF SHE LIPSYNCS TO HER OWN PRERECORDED TRACK OR NOT.

Fans will be clamoring for Beyonce to sing herself during the Super Bowl halftime show, rather than lipsyncing to a pre-recorded track.

Yeah, good luck with that. To the fans AND Beyonce.

For once, Kim Kardashian will be able to say she is more real than Beyonce.

That is a sad state of affairs. For all of us AND Beyonce.

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