Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Post-NFL Week 17 Predictions

Predictions made prior to the NFL Week 17 based on the results of those games

Five teams will enter week 17 fighting for two playoff spots.

In true Giants fashion, they will dismantle the Eagles, remind their fans and the rest of the NFL how good they can be, and promptly miss out on the postseason.

The Giants playoff hopes will come down to the game between the Lions and the Bears.

There's a joke about the Wizard of Oz here, somewhere.

Roger Goodell's nefarious plan to make us pay attention to the NFC North will come to fruition, as FOX will carry Eagles-Giants, then Bears-Lions, and finally Packers-Vikings.

I've got it! Roger Goodell turned down the lead role in Oz: The Great and Powerful because he felt he was being typecast.

So to recap:

The Bears will eliminate the Giants (from the playoffs) with a win over the Lions

The Vikings will eliminate the Bears (from the playoffs) and Love Smith (from his job) with a win over the Packers.

Tony Romo will eliminate the Cowboys (from the playoffs) and himself (from any notion that he is a clutch player) with three INTs in a loss to the Redskins, including the game-ender with three minutes remaining.

On the plus side, the Redskins will name Romo co-MVP, along with Alfred Morris, of their win over Dallas.

We've missed you, fourth-quarter Tony. Good to have you back.

RGIII will make it 3-for-3 for rookie quarterbacks winning on the final weekend of the NFL season and making the playoffs, joining Andrew Luck (Indy) and Russell Wilson (Seattle).

One of those three rookies will tie Peyton Manning's rookie mark of 26 passing TDs. It's not the one you think.

I'll give you a hint. It's Russell Wilson.

Somewhere in Seattle, Matt Flynn is thinking, "I knew I should have gone to Miami!"

The Dolphins will close out their season with a shutout loss to the Patriots.

Somewhere in Miami, Joe Philbin is thinking, "I knew I should have hidden Flynn in my trunk when I came to Miami!"

Adrian Peterson will finish thisclose to breaking Eric Dickerson's single-season rushing record. And by thisclose, I mean nine yards. Cue a slew of jokes about "the whole nine yards."

The Packers will finish as one of two teams that will not have a single 100-yard rusher the entire season. San Diego will be the other. Adrian Peterson by himself will finish with 10 100+-yard games.

Even Arizona, which will fire its coach and GM after a loss to the 49ers, will finish the season with two 100-yard games from LaRod Stephens-Howling, who will finish with a League-low 357 rushing yards.

The Packers' motto: If at first you don't succeed, pass, pass again.

The Jets and Bills seasons will result in one fired GM (Jets), one fired head coach (Bills), one fired offensive coordinator (Jets) and one new president (Bills).

Ladies and Gentlemen, your NY/NJ NFL AFC teams!

Two teams will come into week 17 in first-place in the AFC and NFC, respectively.

One will lose and drop to third-place. The other will lose and remain in first.

The NFL: Where Parity Happens.

The Falcons will become the first team to finish in first-place and be able to legitimately say, "nobody believes in us!"

Because, well, frankly, nobody believes in them.

The Bengals and Ravens will sit most of their starters in a game that Cincinnati will eventually win. In his attempt to regain "Toughest Commissioner" status from Roger Goodell (his term), aka "Worst Commissioner" (everyone else's term), David Stern will fine both teams.

In the process of their loss to the Panthers, the Saints will raise their season total to 7,042 yards allowed, breaking the old record of 6,793 (1981 Baltimore Colts).

Sean Payton, Joe Vitt, Mickey Loomis and Tom Benson will have to sit down when they hear that an anonymous Saints player has made a comment to the press. They will breathe more easily when they find out that the anonymous Saints player was simply saying that Steve Spagnuolo should be fired.

Peyton Manning and Tom Brady will do Peyton Manning and Tom Brady things, and the entire NFL world will keep its fingers crossed for a Denver-New England AFC Championship.

If the Chargers and Raiders play a football game with zero point zero playoff implications, will anyone care?

No comments: