Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Post NFL Week 1 Predictions

Predictions on NFL Week 1 based on the results of NFL Week 1

Finally the NFL season will begin! No longer will fans have to read or hear about the perils of the sport and the dangers of concussions – now they will be able to see those perils and dangers, over and over and over again, for 17-straight weeks!

Huzzah!

A number of big games will open the season, and a number of statements will be made.

The Broncos will make the statement that Peyton Manning’s arm is just fine, thank you very much.

The Ravens will make the statement that perhaps in retrospect, Anquan Boldin was a fairly important piece of the offense and worth more than a sixth-round draft choice.

The Ravens receivers – all of them – will total 215 yards on 15 receptions, with one touchdown.

Anquan Boldin – by himself – will total 208 yards on 13 receptions, with one touchdown.

Neither of Baltimore’s sixth-round picks from the 2013 NFL Draft, OL Ryan Jensen (inactive-injury) and DL Kapron Lewis-Moore (Reserve/Non-Football Injury) will play a single down.

The defense that the Ravens were able to rebuild thanks to the $6 million they saved on Boldin’s contract will give up 49 points.

But other than that, the trade will work out perfectly for Baltimore. Eventually.

The Niners will hold off the Packers in a rematch from last year’s playoffs.

The Niners will make the statement that they remain a Super Bowl contender.

The Packers will make the statement that hey, we’re pretty good, but the Niners are excellent, and pretty good is not as good as excellent, even though it's pretty good.

After the game, Niners tight end Vernon Davis will say that he thanks God everyday for Boldin being on his team.

Now we will know – God isn’t Tim Tebow, He’s Trent Baalke, the 49ers General Manager! Good luck competing against that, rest of the NFL.

The Patriots will make a statement that they don’t need to bring back receivers who accounted for 192 receptions, 2,265 yards and 10 touchdowns last year; they will simply plug in new starters, watch them catch 17 balls for 183 yards and two touchdowns in a win over the Bills, rinse, repeat.

The Bills will make a statement that they are still the Bills, doing Bills-like things with Bills-like frequency. A guess at what coach Doug Marrone will tell his team in the fourth quarter when they will be nursing a 21-17 lead:

“We’re going to stay with our no-huddle offense and snap the ball with 20 seconds remaining on the play clock on every play so that we can give the Patriots as much time as possible to come back and win this game!!”

This will be a lesson for us all, but mostly for the Pittsburgh Steelers: when the artist formerly known as Chris Johnson has more than double the rushing yards than you have as a team, it won’t be a good day for you.

Adrian Peterson's first carry of the game will be a statement that he absolutely should have been the No. 1 overall pick in every fantasy football draft.

Adrian Peterson's next 17 carries of the game will be statements that oh crap I shouldn't have drafted him first overall.

On a personal note, I HATE having the No. 1 overall pick. It's way too much pressure. I'd rather have No. 2, let some other schlub take Greg Oden first overall so that I can take Kevin Durant.

Eli Manning will kind of match his brother’s offensive output of seven touchdowns, in as much as Eli will have four touchdowns and three interceptions.

I did say “kind of.”

The Chargers, with their new head coach and coaching staff, will build a 28-7 third-quarter lead over the Texans.

The Texans will come all the way back to win, 31-28.

The more things change, the more they stay the same…


MOMENT THAT GRINDED MY GEARS ENOUGH TO WRITE ABOUT IT (in letter form)

Dear Buffalo Bills Head Coach Doug Marrone,

The Patriots not only have a very good offense, they also have a very fast offense. Also, it’s very good. They’ve been using a no-huddle offense for a while now, long before you and Chip Kelly decided to come to the NFL to “innovate” the game. New England led the league in total offense in 2012; led the league in points per game in 2012; finished with a league-best 1,191 total plays from scrimmage, coming thisclose to breaking the all-time mark of 1,200; averaged 74.4 plays per game, best in the league; have Tom Brady as a quarterback.

SO WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT GIVING THIS TEAM MORE TIME IS A GOOD IDEA?!?!

I understand you have a young team with a rookie starting at qb. Perhaps you felt that this team wasn’t prepared to do anything but the no-huddle, hurry-up offense you’ve been working on. Which is more a knock on you than on your team – you didn’t think that there would come a time where you would have a lead in the fourth quarter and would need to bleed the clock? Did you really think that your offense, plus this young team with its rookie quarterback, would be good enough that you could get first down after first down and touchdown after touchdown?

You will say the right things after the game, that you let the team down, etc. But make sure you use this game for the learning experience that it is – no-huddle, fast-break, hurry-up offenses are great, until they’re not. Then you need the old smashmouth, grind out yards and minutes type of football that wins close games.

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