Thursday, September 19, 2013

Post NFL Week 2 Predictions

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Predictions on NFL Week 2 (based on the results of NFL Week 2)

Raise your hands if you believe Miami will be undefeated and tied with New England for first-place in the AFC East after two weeks.

Put your hand down, Colin Kaepernick.

One week after the AFC Kanye’s Kid goes 0-fer, the NFC East will go 0-fer.

For the second-straight week, the Bucs will lose on a last second field goal. Silver lining: this time, the offense will be to blame, not the defense!

Josh Freeman will have a bad week. First word will come out that he missed the team photo, then was not voted team captain and that he blames head coach Greg Schiano and will likely ask for a trade. Then he will show other teams what kind of quarterback he can be for them by going 9-of-22 for 125 yards. Somewhere, Tim Tebow is modeling the Tampa Bay uniform.

The Browns will muster a mere six points in a loss to the Ravens (who will muster a mere 14 points), and then will UPS starting running back Trent Richardson to the Colts.

The NFL will finally know what it means to be let down byCleveland, as it will no longer be able to use his clip in its commercial forFantasy Football.

Manning Bowl IV will be decisively won by Peyton and the Broncos. On the plus side for Eli and the Giants, they will find out that their problem is not David Wilson’s fumble-itis – it’s the whole offense!

For the second time in as many weeks, a night game on NBC will be delayed because of weather. For the second time in as many games between the two teams, the Seahawks will trounce the 49ers at home. For the second time, period, San Francisco quarterback Colin Kaepernick will be rendered ineffectual.

The Jaguars will rush for just 34 yards (on 19 carries) in a loss to the Raiders. They will be ranked 32nd (out of 32) in total offense. Somewhere, Tim Tebow is modeling the new Jacksonville uniform.

After week 2, a report will come out saying that the Jaguars were among four teams the NFL is looking at to move to Los Angeles. So THAT’S why Tebow was hanging out at USC!

After two weeks, the Steelers offense will be ranked 31st in the League, which will surprise everybody.

Reports will come out that Pittsburgh offensive coordinator Todd Haley is not getting along with his offensive players, while will surprise nobody.

Andy Reid will avenge the sweep his Eagles suffered to the Cowboys last year by beating the Cowboys with his new team, the Chiefs. If Kansas City were in the NFC East, it would be in first place after week 2.

The Chargers will prove without a shadow of a doubt that the best defense is a good offense, as the Fighting Phillip Riverses will more than double Andy Reid’s former team (and week 3 matchup) in possession time (40:17 to 19:43), en route to victory.

To Philadelphia’s credit, the offense, in under 20 minutes of work, will score 30 points. Unfortunately, the defense, in over 40 minutes of work, will give up 33 points.

MOMENT THAT GRINDED MY GEARS ENOUGH TO WRITE ABOUT IT (in letter form)
Dear Chip Kelly,

You are a smart guy. You know football. Your teams at Oregon did very, very well, running and gunning teams right out of Phil Knight’s living room. It worked, because your athletes were better than most of the teams you faced, so even a tired Oregon defense was better than the rested offense of BeatenBy80Points University. You are trying to bring that fastpaced, no-huddle offense to the NFL. But there are two issues with this. One, all NFL teams have essentially the same level of talent (some just don’t know how to use said talent). Two, NFL players are not 18-22 year olds. Some of them are really, really old – like 35. So when your offense consistently gets on and off the field in under four minutes – your longest drive on Sunday was 3:41, a number San Diego surpassed on six separate drives – your defense is going to get tired. And this defense, with an average starting age of 25.1, is going to be mighty tired towards the end of games, especially when they’ve been on the field for 40 minutes. And in close games, if the other team’s defense is not as tired as yours, you can bet they’ll be better able to make at least one key stop – something your defense was unable to do against the Chargers. I’m not saying that you should change your offense, I’m saying you should mix it up. Go fast for two drives, then slow it down for a third. Go fast for a drive, then slow for the next two. You think your defense is tired now? Wait until the 14th, 15th and 16th games of the season – something you never had to deal with at college.

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