Thursday, October 3, 2013

Post NFL Week 4 Predictions

Predictions based on the results of Week 4

After week four, the NFC East will have four victories between the four teams.

After week four, five teams will have four victories by themselves.

After week four, Kansas City will be one of those 4-0 teams, including three wins against NFC East opponents, which is one win shy of the win total of the entire NFC East.

Cut to the 0-4 Giants chanting, “so you’re saying there’s a chance!”

No.

No there’s not.

Only one NFC East team will win during week four, as the Redskins will get off the schneid with a victory over the Raiders.

Even Mike Shanahan won’t have it in his heart to feel his usual extra happiness at beating the team that once fired him after just a year and four games.

Not to be outdone, the AFC North will also see just one of its teams win a game, and that was only because two of its teams played each other.

If you predicted that the lone AFC North team to win during week 4 would be the Cleveland Browns, then get thee to a lottery.

The Broncos will hang 52 on the Eagles.

No letter for Chip Kelly this week – the Broncos are really, really good. Like, best in the NFL good. Like, so good that their season will most certainly end…with a Manning pick or a Welker drop in a crucial moment late in the fourth quarter of a playoff game.

After week 4, the Eagles will be second in the League in total offense and first in rushing, which is great.

After week 4, the Eagles will be last in the League in opponent’s yards per game and second to last in opponent’s points per game. They will also be second to last in opponent’s passing yards per game and 26th in opponent’s rushing yards per game.

Good thing Philadelphia fans are so forgiving!

In the battle of defeateds, the Vikings will pick up their first win of the season while dropping the Steelers to 0-4.

After the game, Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger will make the statement, “Right now, you could say we’re the worst team in the League.”

Nice try Ben, but the pollsters aren’t going to rank you below Jacksonville in the Downy for Clowney sweepstakes. The nerve of the guy, trying to sway the voters.

After failing to convince anyone that he supports Josh Freeman, Tampa Bay head coach Greg Schiano will finally realize that he has no other option but make the move to rookie quarterback Mike Glennon.

Here are Freeman’s 2013 game-by-game stats that got him benched:
at New York Jets (L): 15-31, 48.4 CMP%, 210 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, 67.9 QBR
vs. New Orleans (L): 9-22, 40.9 CMP%, 125 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, 56.1 QBR
at New England (L): 19-41, 46.3 CMP%, 236 yards, 1 INT, 54.5 QBR

Here is Glennon’s line against the Cardinals:
vs. Arizona (L): 24-43, 55.8 CMP%, 193 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT, 55.7 QBR

See? Totally different.

For the second straight week, the almost but not quite Super Bowl contender Texans will face a real Super Bowl contender.

For the second straight week, the Texans will lose.

Seattle cornerback Richard Sherman’s pick six will tie the game, as the Seahawks will win in overtime. Great. Now there will be NO shutting this guy up.

Thank goodness the Texans will next play….the San Francisco 49ers. Oh. Well.

Pre-prediction of a prediction for the week 5 predictions: for the third straight week, the Texans will lose.

MOMENT THAT GRINDED MY GEARS ENOUGH TO WRITE ABOUT IT (in letter form)
Dear Al Davis,

This is not a letter about something that grinded my gears, it’s a letter of apology. Because I’m sorry, sir. Five years ago, almost to the day, you fired a young up-and-coming coach. You held what we all called a bizarre press conference conducted by an old man whose sanity had obviously gotten off at the last stop. During the conference, you called this coach you just fired “a flat-out liar” and a “professional liar” and that he “conned me like he conned [the media].” You also said that this coach objected to drafting JaMarcus Russell, and we all know how that pick panned out.

Ok, so maybe your sanity had indeed left you at that point, but you were right about one thing: Lane Kiffin had to go, and that's why you fired him. We all thought you were nuts. You were nuts, but we all thought that you firing Kiffin was just more evidence of your nuttiness. We all thought this was another Mike Shanahan situation: young coach who does decently well, but not well enough to suit you and then you axe him and he goes on to have a successful career. Both Shanahan and Kiffin had improved the Raiders by two wins their first year and each were 1-3 their second season when you decided to fire them. Shanahan went on to a great career with Denver and now Washington. We all assumed the same would happen with Kiffin. Turns out, you were the only one who could see what was going on. After you fired him, he was hired at Tennessee, where he tried to prove that then-Florida head coach Urban Meyer was a cheater (in retrospect, he might have been was right). Then Pete Carroll left USC for Seattle and Kiffin took the Trojans’ gig faster than you could say “NCAA Violations,” even trying to take some of his Tennessee recruits in the process. Kiffin did ok at USC, despite dealing with limits in scholarships due to NCAA sanctions, but not well enough, and he was fired literally hours after a loss to Arizona State.

So Mr. Davis, I’m sorry for doubting you. You obviously saw something in Kiffin that the rest of us did not, something behind that baby face of his that told you he was perhaps not a great coach, and perhaps not a great person. So that was one thing that you were right about in your later years.

Actually, that might have been the only thing you were right about in your later years.

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