Monday, January 13, 2014

BALLS OF GOLD


Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are hosting this year's Golden Globes. I feel ready to laugh, so hit me ladies!

8-8:10pm Amy Poehler welcomes all the gay men and women watching the broadcast. I guess that means I’m either gay or a woman. Either way, my wife says it’s an improvement.

Tina and Amy crush. They work the crowd, they tell their jokes, they do their bits, and they just crush. Even the jokes that don’t quite work are amusing and cute. The winning joke of the open: that Gravity proves George Clooney would rather float away and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age. BAZINGA.

Everyone knows Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are funny. At least, I thought everyone knew that. But then I read an article on the Huffington Post that asked if Kat Denning and Beth Behr were the next Amy Poehler and Tina Fey.

The short answer: no.

The long answer: no way.

Sure, Denning and Behr have hosted an awards show together (they just co-hosted the People’s Choice Awards). Sure, they are both attractive. Sure, one is a blonde and one is a brunette. Sure, they are on a TV show together. But that’s where the similarities to Fey and Poehler end. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are funny on their own. They were funny as they came up through the improv ranks, writing AND performing comedic bits. They were funny as they were writing and performing on Saturday Night Live (where Tina Fey was head writer, for crying out loud). They were (and are) funny writing and starring in their NBC hit television shows.

Do you really think Denning and/or Behr write any of the jokes on Two Broke Girls? For that matter, is Two Broke Girls even funny? (Hint: the answer is no). Denning and Behr are actors. They receive whatever lines are written for them and perform them. I watched the open of the People’s Choice Awards, and it was about as you’d expect it. Bleh comedy, performed by two actors who were staring pretty hard at the teleprompter. They looked comfortable on stage, which is a step in the right direction, and they weren’t as bad as Franco/Hathaway, which also was probably the best joke of the open, but that’s as far as it goes.

Denning and Behr are comedic actors. They are good at what they do. But they are not comedians. To compare them to two of the best funniest people of our time is really not fair to either party.

8:11pm Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock are such good actors, you’d think that they could act like they gave a crap about presenting the award for Best Supporting Actress in a Movie.

8:11pm Golden Globes came prepared – there was a guy waiting to help Jennifer Lawrence up the steps.

8:13 pm Can Jennifer Lawrence stop being so damn likable? It's really annoying.

8:13pm Now we’re 2-for-2 with presenters reading in monotones.

8:15pm Apparently there’s someone named Jacqueline Bisset from some movie. Three minutes into her rambling and incoherent speech, she says she’s going to get it together. I don’t have a lot of faith. She did drop some swear words though, and then refused to get off the stage.

8:17pm It always amazes me that people who act in movies are so terrified and uncomfortable speaking live on stage.

8:20pm A commercial starring Giuliana Rancic airs. It’s not very good. I wish I could tell you what it was for. I was distracted by her skinniness.

8:23pm Behind The Candelabra wins for Best Miniseries, and they show Lorne Michaels clapping. I’m not sure why I point that out, other than it seemed strange. Couldn’t go with Matt Damon or someone, I dunno, actually associated with the movie?

8:24pm How did Speaker Boehner get a seat with Michael Douglas? Holy Orange, Batman!

8:25pm ZOE BARTLET WINS AN AWARD!!! And then she swore. And then they tried to music her off the stage. And then she closed by saying it was for her mom. WIN-WIN-WIN-WIN

8:28pm NBC shows clips of stars talking to stars before going to commercials. Seems like a real slap in the face to us normal folk. “Hey look at us, we’re famous celebrities and we’re hobnobbing with other famous celebrities! You know who’s not here? Non-famous people!”

8:35pm The president of the Golden Globes opens his speech with the joke that the President’s Speech is also known as bathroom break. He’s right. Back in a second.

8:36pm Jonah Hill and Margot Robbie (whom I had to google to find out who she was) come up and the teleprompter had the wrong lines. They handled it well. But I think that would be a great bit for future award shows. See what we can get the presenters to say before they realize they’re reading the wrong thing!

8:38pm WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS PAULA PATTON WEARING?! Blurred Lines indeed.

8:39pm I really hope that was Michael Sheen’s daughter sitting with him. (It was. I checked. Also found out that the mom of said daughter is Kate Beckinsale. These are things I now know.)

8:39pm Let’s all take a minute to remember that Bryan Cranston was also in King Of Queens, How I Met Your Mother, and Malcolm In The Middle. Just goes to show, even character actors can act.

8:40pm Paula Patton is back out. Her dress is, um, is…something. It is something.

8:41pm I like how the Golden Globes created a maze for the winners to walk through before getting to the stage. That was a nice touch.

8:43pm Aaron Paul needs just two words to bring the house down. “Yeah bitch” indeed. And isn’t it nice that bitch is a word that can be said on national TV without being bleeped. Bitch bitch bitch.

8:53pm “Everyone just keep drinking, it’ll be over soon.” –Puff Daddy
“We can’t, you already drank all the booze.” –Everybody else

8:55pm Hey, the guys who wrote Spider Man the musical just won a Golden Globe! That’s good, I was worried they would fade into obscurity after their musical bombed.

(at this time I would like to point out that I beat professional comedian Billy Eichner to that joke. I’m pretty sure that means I get his TV show now. Get ready for me to be asking random New Yorkers random questions!)


9:02pm After hearing “Josh Charles, The Good Wife,” Josh Charles immediately gives a kiss to his wife. Which is good.

9:06pm Robert Downey Jr. comes to present. Based on his performance last year, I’m not sure whether I should be nervous or excited. I think I’m both. He doesn’t disappoint.

9:10pm Amy Adams just told the Golden Globes music to eff off. Well, that’s what she meant anyway.

9:14pm Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon would make a cute couple. And the fact that Kevin Bacon knows Miss Golden Globes proves Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon beyond a shadow of a doubt.

9:15pm Is there anything Tina Fey and Amy Poehler can’t make funny? Good lord are they hilarious. No chance in hell that Kat Denning and Beth Behr can do what Fey/Poehler do. It’s unfair to Denning and Behr to hold them to such a lofty status that they will never reach.

9:22pm The lead singer of 30 Seconds To Mars wins for Best Supporting Actor in a movie. Don’t you hate people who are good at everything?

9:28pm Emma Thompson is wonderful in everything she does and I will not say anything about how kooky her presenting was.

9:30pm Spike Jonze didn't take long enough to get to the stage. Totally threw me off.

9:34pm I am way more excited than I should be that Andy Samberg won a Golden Globe. Also kudos to Seth Meyers for his Julia Roberts impression: “Best night ever.”

9:40pm The Golden Globe for best foreign film is being announced. Which means it’s a good time for a break. Being snarky is hard!

9:44pm Melissa McCarthy and Jimmy Fallon try to go with a bit where McCarthy thinks she’s Matt Damon. To give them credit, they’re likeable enough that the bit doesn’t fail spectacularly; it just fails.

The Golden Globes then spends a LOT of time on the career of Woody Allen, who was given the Cecil B. Demille Lifetime Achievement award. Allen is of course too cool to show up for said award. I’ll be honest – I’m not a huge Woody Allen guy. I’ve seen some of his movies, I’ve liked some and not liked others. I’ve heard good things about Blue Jasmine and I look forward to seeing it. He’s certainly had a prolific career and I get why he would receive a Lifetime Achievement award. But for me it’s hard to get past Woody Allen the person to Woody Allen the writer/director. Let's face it: if you make good movies, Hollywood forgives all. “You left your longtime partner for her 20-year-old adopted daughter? Yeah, but Annie Hall! You allegedly molested your own adopted daughter when she was seven? Yeah but Crimes and Misdemeanors! In conclusion, here’s an award!”

I believe next year Roman Polansky will be honored. Can’t wait.

10:20pm Tina Fey with the zinger on Michael Bay. In my opinion, the weakest of the jokes they’ve put out today. Uma Thurman and Chris Evans really bring the funny to the announcement for Best Comedy. Seriously, did the Globes tell the presenters to check personality at the door?

10:22pm Brooklyn 99 is cleaning up! It now has more Golden Globes than Parks and Rec. If I were the creator of Parks and Rec, I’d be pissed.

10:29pm THEY ARE PLAYING LEO OFF THE STAGE. WHEN WILL THIS MADNESS STOP?!?!

10:30pm To announce the clips from 12 Years A Slave, here comes the whitest of all white women, Reese Witherspoon. Solid choice, Golden Globes!

10:31pm As they show clips from 12 Years A Slave, I think this is a good time to point out that Chiwetel Ejiofor also appeared in Love, Actually and Serenity. Also, Salt. Thank you and please drive through.

10:35pm CHRIS HEMSWORTH IS BRITISH?!?!?!

Oh, wait, that’s not a British accent.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH IS CANADIAN?!?!?!

10:41pm American Hustle wins Best Comedy/Musical and immediately my twitter feed is filled with “the worst one of the group just won.” I loved that movie. So everyone else can shut up.

Some people (including Leo) find it weird that Wolf of Wall Street was nominated under Best Musical or Comedy, but I disagree. I think a movie about corruption and Wall Street directed by Martin Scorcese can’t help but be funny! Plus think about it: Gravity can’t be a comedy, because as Robin Quivers and Tina Fey have told us, George Clooney dies. That’s not funny. Captain Phillips might work, but Tom Hanks can’t sing. True fact that I just made up (but also might be true). Then you have Philomena, which stars Dame Judi Dench. The fact that she’s in the movie means it is not comedic and/or musical. She’s a serious actress. Rush involves a guy coming back a horrific car accident. Funny if it’s a cartoon. Not so much if it’s real people. Then finally we get to 12 Years A Slave, which can’t be a comedy for obvious reasons. (Those reasons of course being Brad Pitt and Michael Fassbender.)

10:45pm Amazing thing about all the nominees for Best Actress, Drama? The only one under 40 is 38 (Kate Winslet). And they’re all hot. Especially Dame Judi Dench. In your face, Hollywood.

10:49pm Not only did Chiwetel Ejiofor not win Best Actor, Drama, he lost to Matthew McConaughey. MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY WON AN ACTING AWARD. Chew on that for a bit. Just make sure there’s a bucket available when you vomit.

10:50pm I'd say it's a lifetime achievement award for McConaughey, but what exactly has he achieved? Other than a great McConaughey impression. “All right all right all right.”

10:52pm 12 Years A Slave has one more chance to win an award. I gotta say, it would be kind of messed up if it didn’t win at least one award. And this is coming from a guy who hasn’t seen any of the Best Movie, Drama nominees.

10:57pm 12 Years A Slave wins! Which is good. Would have been weird if it had been shut out. I dunno why. But it would have been.

10:59pm The Golden Globes finishes before 11pm. That’s gotta be some kind of record.

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