Thursday, September 4, 2014

My AFC Gues- I Mean, Predictions

Here are my AFC predictions. They too are probably wrong. (click here for my NFC predictions)

AFC East
Patriots: Too easy.
Dolphins: Won’t make the playoffs but will be the second-best team in the division. Because…why not?
Jets: Time to let go of the Michael Vick dog scandal. Man did his time. At a certain point, we have to move on. HAHAHAHAHAHA who am I kidding these are human beings I’m talking about!
Bills: Buffalo is Livin on a Prayer, hoping to give fans Another Reason to Believe, but in the end the team will go down in a Blaze of Glory.

AFC North
Steelers: Mike Tomlin might not be the best coach in the NFL, but he’s still the coolest.
Ravens: Remind me again why you let Anquan Boldin go?
Bengals: Won the Division last year despite finishing with second-best divisional record. No more Jay Gruden, no more Mike Zimmer, no more first-place in AFC North.
Browns: I don’t know if it’s true, but my favorite story about Cleveland is the guy who wrote into his will that he wanted some Browns players to carry his casket so that they could let him down one last time. That. Is. Brilliant. I will not google it because I want to believe it’s true.

AFC South
Colts: Return of Reggie Wayne, plus Hakeem Nicks, plus Andrew Luck...that offense is going to be stacked. You’ll notice I didn’t mention Trent Richardson.
Texans: If only because it’s going to be a lot of fun to watch Watt and Clowney terrorize offensive lines and quarterbacks. At least quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick knows that his backup is a rookie former Rutgers QB who…what’s that you say? Houston head coach Bill O’Brien brought in Ryan Mallett, whom he worked with in New England, and Mallett is now the No. 2 QB? Oh.
Titans: Chris Johnson might be addition by subtraction.
Jaguars: Blake Bortles will be starting quarterback by week three. You heard it hear…not first. Buncha people have said that already.

AFC West
Broncos: Welker out four games means the offense will hum along at 99% capacity. Which is still 100% better than pretty much all other offenses.
Chargers: QB Class of 2004 will have a bounce back year. Not J.P Losman, Matt Schaub, Luke McCown, Craig Krenzel, Andy Hall, Josh Harris, Jim Sorgi, Jeff Smoker, John Navarre, Cody Pickett, Casey Bramlet, Matt Mauck, B.J. Symons or Bradlee Van Pelt. The other three guys.
Chiefs: Going out on a limb – Andy Reid will pull an Andy Reid and not live up to expectations. Ok, not going out on that much of a limb. They’ll still make the playoffs though.
Raiders: Here are the top five quarterbacks taken in last year’s NFL Draft: Blake Bortles (3rd overall), Johnny Manziel (22nd), Teddy Bridgewater (32nd), Derek Carr (36th), Jimmy Garoppolo (62nd). Raise your hand if you thought that Carr would be the only rookie QB to be named starter. Put your hand down, David.

Six playoff teams: Patriots, Steelers, Colts, Broncos, Chargers, Chiefs

AFC Championship: Broncos-Patriots (Let’s be honest, if we don’t get this game, we’ll all be a little disappointed. Make it happen, football god Roger Goodell!!)

AFC Champions: Patriots

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