TRL's Rants

Post-NFL Championship Round Predictions

2012-01-25T20:41:00.001-08:00

Predictions made prior to the NFL Championship Round based on the results of those games

The Giants and Patriots will party like it’s 2007.

The Giants will yet again defeat an NFC South team before taking down the No. 1 seed before defeating the No. 2 seed in overtime on a Lawrence Tynes field goal.

This time, however, Tynes will not cause heart palpitations for Giants fans by missing two possible gamewinners.

The 49ers will lose thanks to the a pair of giveaways by the son of White Sox GM Ken Williams.

Somewhere nearby, Oakland A’s GM Billy Beane is nodding knowingly.

To add insult to injury, 49ers fans everywhere will be forced to miss Ted Ginn, Jr.

Ford will continue to believe that we really believe that those are “real” people doing “real” interviews with “real” media asking “real” questions.

I mean, really?

Receivers not named Vernon and/or Davis will catch nine passes for 84 yards.

Ho hum, another Urban Meyer quarterback will short-arm passes and run better than he throws.

For the second straight year, Baltimore’s season will end thanks to a dropped pass on what should have been an easy completion by a veteran receiver.

Billy Cundiff will miss a relatively easy 32-yard field goal with seconds remaining in the contest to give the game to the Patriots.

Scott Norwood will be heard yelling at the tv, “even I could have made that”!

Vegas will set the over/under at 100 for the number of jokes made referring to Ray-Lewis-murdering-or-standing-by-while-someone-else-murders-Billy-Cundiff.

(Take the over).

The Harbaugh brothers will both bow out of the playoffs and a field goal will decide each game.

Har-bro in law Tom Crean's Indiana Hoosiers will defeat Penn State, so the day won't be a total loss.

On the same day Seal and Heidi Klum will announce their breakup, Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari will announce they are having a baby.

Yet Rick Santorum will still believe that gay people are ruining the sanctity of marriage.

After Championship weekend, no meaningful football will be played until the Super Bowl.

In a related story, the Pro Bowl is next week.

Post-NFL Divisional Round Predictions

2012-01-19T14:05:00.001-08:00

Predictions made prior to the NFL Divisional Round based on the results of those games

The angels that helped Denver reach the Divisional Round will step away, believing that the Broncos will be able to defeat the Patriots on their own.

They won’t.

Led by the Godless Heathen Bill Belichick, the Patriots’ win over the Fightin’ Tebows will force many to acknowledge that sometimes the dude in red on their left shoulder has some good ideas.

Alex Smith will twice lead the 49ers on fourth-quarter comebacks in a win over New Orleans.

New Orleans will finish the season with an average score of 26.8 points in games played outside compared to an average score of 38.6 in games played inside.

The Saints’ fans will ask them to take their indoor voice outside.

Vernon Davis will haul in the (second) gamewinning touchdown for the 49ers, giving San Francisco yet another Catch by a tight end that wins a playoff game. Somewhere, David Tyree is shaking his head.

Vernon Davis will insert himself into the discussion of Jimaarob Gramzalezski, creating Vernjimaarob Gramzalezdavski.

In the end, the North will prevail over the South, again, as Baltimore will defeat the Texans to improve to 3-2 against the AFC South this season.

Joe Flacco will beg to dilfer, but he will say he is nothing like former Ravens quarterback, whose name escapes me.

The Ravens will improve to 9-0 at home. Which is good, because they were just 4-4 on the road in 2011-12.

In a related story, Baltimore will have to travel to New England to face the Patriots in the AFC Championship.

The Giants will improve to 2-0 in rematches in the playoffs against teams that beat them 38-35 in the regular season in the past five seasons.

The Packers will become the only home team to lose over the weekend.

To add insult to injury, Green Bay will not have taken out the discount double-check insurance on their Super Bowl chances.

Fans who bought into the Green Bay franchise will immediately ask for their money back.

State Farm will immediately ask for its commercials back.

Actor and fake-Indiana native Rob Lowe will become the 1,194^th NFL Insider.

ESPN will immediately hire him to work on Sunday NFL Countdown.

He will not be the worst commentator on that show.

Post NFL-Wild Card Predictions

2012-01-11T20:57:00.001-08:00

Predictions based about the Wild Card Weekend based on the results of those games.

The Falcons’ defense will outscore the Falcons’ offense, 2-0.

Good score for a staff softball game. Not so much for playoff football.

The Giants offense will outscore the Falcons’ offense, 24-0.

Good score for pretty much any game.

The Texans will defeat the Bengals for zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Oh man, how embarrassing. Let me try again.

Two rookies will square off as Cincinnati will fall to the Texans zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I give up.

Houston will win its first-ever playoff contest, which will be the most interesting thing about the game.

The Saints will erase the embarrassment of losing to a 7-9 team in the playoffs by defeating the Lions.

Detroit’s defense will let its offense down by allowing Drew Brees to throw for three touchdowns and more than 450 yards.

The Lions will look in to signing the rest of the Decepticons to shore up their porous defense.

Anti-Tim Tebowians (Tebowites? Tebowgers?) will have a hard time coming up with more reasons why Tebow stinks after he throws for 316 yards and two touchdowns and runs for another TD in the Broncos’ wild card game against the Steelers.

Most popular criticisms will be: Broncos’ supporting cast was the reason for Tebow’s success, not Tebow; Tebow played great but he still stinks; the Steelers’ are old and banged up and they lost more than the Broncos won.

In the end, however, Tebow will help the Broncos defeat the Steelers in overtime with an 80-yard touchdown pass.

In overtime, Tebow Time will last 11 seconds.

Good length of time for a gamewinning score. Bad for pretty much everything else.

Post NFL-Weeks 16 and 17 Predictions

2012-01-03T19:53:00.000-08:00

Predictions made about the previous (two) week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

In consecutive weeks, the New York Giants will eliminate the Eagles and Cowboys while effectively knocking the Jets out of playoff contention.

Or as Giants fans refer to it: Christmas.

In fact, everyone will refer to that two week stretch as Christmas, although some will be upset that they aren’t calling it the Holidays, and others will be upset with the some for calling it Holidays instead of Christmas.

In the battle for New Jersey, the Giants will force Rex Ryan to eat his words after the game, only to find out that he will have already eaten his words, as he is a growing boy who is also big boned.

The Cowboys will play like their game against the Eagles in Week 16 means absolutely nothing to their playoff chances.

In a related story, the Cowboys’ game against the Eagles in Week 16 will mean absolutely nothing to Dallas’ playoff chances.

In the Giants’ game against the Cowboys, they will not be saying “boo,” they will be saying, “Cruuuz.” And also “boo.” It is the Cowboys, after all.

If Jerry Jones’ face could show emotion, it will be extreme disappointment.

The Colts will almost win themselves out of the Andrew Luck sweepstakes before they come back to their senses and fall in the season finale to gain some Luck.

St. Louis will also finish 2-14, but will miss out on the No. 1 overall pick, making the Rams double-losers.

Houston and Denver will back into the playoffs on three-game losing streaks.

Houston and Denver will be the only playoff teams to enter the tournament on a losing streak.

Houston and Denver will each host their first round playoff games.

The NFL: where No Frigging Logic happens

Chris Johnson will finish the season with only four 100-yard games. He will average 39.4 yards per game in his other 12 contests. Yet he will reach 1,000 yards for the season, proving once and for all how meaningless that statistic is.

Kyle Orton will prove how much better of a quarterback he is than the man who replaced him in Denver, Tim Tebow, by leading the Chiefs to a win over the Broncos in the final game of the season.

The score will be 7-3, meaning Orton is exactly four-points better than Tebow.

The Patriots will find themselves trailing in each of their final two games before coming back to win each contest to take the top seed in the AFC.

After Week 17, the Patriots will be 64-16 (.800) in the last five seasons. During that time, New England is 2-3 (.400) in the playoffs with a grand total of zero Super Bowls.

I’m just sayin’.

Miami will finish its season 6-3, with two of its losses during that stretch by three or fewer points.

They would have made it into the playoffs if it weren’t for that darn 0-7 start.

Tampa Bay started its season 4-2.

It would have made the playoffs and head coach Raheem Morris would still have a job if it weren’t for that darn 0-10 finish.

After starting the season 4-1, including a win over New England, the Bills will finish the season 2-9 and enlist the help of Scooby Doo to find out who stole their mojo.

If the thief is the same guy who took Andy Roddick’s mojo in 2005, Buffalo probably won’t have any luck finding him.

After finishing the season on a six-game losing streak, Cleveland fans will talk about the fact that the Browns are going to a Bowl.

It just won’t be the Super Bowl. But it will be a Bowl.

The AFC North will be the only division with three winning teams. All three of those teams will make the playoffs.

In 16 games with the Bengals, Andy Dalton will finish the season with 20 touchdowns and 13 interceptions.

Which will be three fewer interceptions than Carson Palmer will throw in 10 games with the Raiders.

Oakland will set the NFL record for most penalties in a season. Raiders fans will be quoted as saying, “yawn.”

San Diego began its season 4-1. San Diego will end its season 4-1.

It would have made the playoffs if it weren’t for that darn 0-6 stretch during the middle of the season.

Apparently Chargers owner Dean Spanos has will remember 8-2 and not 0-6, as Norv Turner will stay on as head coach.

John Skelton will finish the season 6-2 as a starter. John Skelton’s 2011 salary is 1/28^th that of Kevin Kolb , who will finish the season 2-6.

The NFL: where No Frigging Logic happens

Jacksonville will win just enough games to lose out on the Andrew Luck sweepstakes.

Redskins offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan will declare that the Redskins will win the NFC East in 2012.

Rex Grossman made a similar declaration prior to the 2011 season.

I wonder how that worked out for them?

Packers backup quarterback Matt Flynn will throw for 480 yards and six touchdowns in Green Bay’s win over Detroit in the final game of the season.

Coming soon to a terrible team near you: a quarterback with two starts under his belt and a 123.0 qb rating in those two games.

Detroit’s reward for making the playoffs for the first time: a trip to New Orleans to face a Saints squad that defeated the Lions 31-17 in Week 13.

Apparently General Managers are now at fault for season-ending injuries to franchise quarterbacks, as Chicago will join Indianapolis in releasing its GM from his duties.

Jay Cutler’s confidence will now reach new levels when he realizes the power he holds.

The Vikings will win just three games, lose their star running back to an ACL injury that might keep him out part of next season, and to add insult to injury, defensive end Jared Allen will have a full quarter against a sieve of an offensive line to break the single-season sack record but will not.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2011 Minnesota Vikings!

The Falcons will go 3-1 down the stretch to finish the season 10-6. Atlanta finish 6-2 at home, which would be great, except they will to travel to the 9-7 Giants in the first round of the playoffs.

Baltimore and Pittsburgh will finish in a tie for first-place in the AFC North but the Ravens will have the tiebreaker, meaning 12-4 Pittsburgh will have travel to 8-8 Denver in the first round of the playoffs.

The NFL: where No Effing Logic happens

Ravens will clinch the second seed, a first-round bye and the first home playoff game in the fourth-season of the Harbaugh era.

If the Harbaugh family was at all competitive, John’s younger brother Jim will be able to say that he achieved the second seed, a first-round bye and a home playoff game in his first season at San Francisco.

Good thing they are not competitive.

Drew Brees will surpass Dan Marino’s single-season passing yardage total with 5,476 on the year. It would be more impressive if Tom Brady (5,235) didn’t do the same and Matthew Stafford didn’t throw for over 5,000 yards in 2011.

The quarterbacks who will rank 1-5 in the NFL in passing yardage will all make the playoffs.

Two running backs who will finish in the top-five in rushing yardage will not make the playoffs.

Arena Football will contact the NFL to talk about a possible merger.

Cam Newton’s Panthers will finish fourth in the NFC in scoring offense. Unfortunately for Cam and Carolina, the Panthers will be the only NFC team to score over 400 points and give up over 400 points.

For the second straight year, Seattle will finish 7-9.

This time, however, the Seahawks will not make the playoffs and they certainly will not host a playoff game.

The NFL: where No Freaking Logic happens

Post NFL-Week 15 Predictions

2011-12-22T10:44:00.001-08:00

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

The 2011 Chiefs will do their best 1985 Dolphins impersonation, handing the 2011 Packers their first loss in the 2011 calendar year, and the 1972 Dolphins will party like it’s 1999.

The Colts will defeat the Titans for their first victory of the season. The game would have been more interesting if Peyton Manning and Chris Johnson were involved.

Dan Orlovsky will become the first Colts quarterback to lead the team to a victory since Jim Harbaugh in 1997.

That same Jim Harbaugh will become the second Harbaugh to lead his team to a win over the Steelers in 2011 when the 49ers shut the lights out on Pittsburgh.

Literally and figuratively.

The first Harbaugh will watch his Ravens defeated soundly by the Chargers to continue their trend of late season success that will lead to another year of Norv Turner as head coach that will lead to another year of early failure and late season success which will lead to another year of Norv Turner as head coach that will lead…

Thanks to the Colts’ victory, the longest current losing streak will belong to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who will not show up against the Cowboys en route to their eighth-straight loss.

The Bucs will lose their third-straight by at least two touchdowns. Head coach Raheem Morris, who was 35 when the season started, will be 50 after Week 15.

Thanks to the Packers’ loss, the longest current winning streak will be the Patriots and Saints, as each will win their sixth-consecutive game, over Tebow Time and the Vikings, respectively.

Chad Ochocinco will finish one reception shy of his season-high while setting a season-best in touchdown receptions.

Ochocinco will catch one pass for one touchdown.

In the battle of the backups, John Skelton will lead the Cardinals to a their third overtime win in the past seven games, this time defeating Seneca Wallace and the Browns. Arizona will win its fourth-straight to improve to 7-7 and enter Wild Card contention. The trade for Kevin Kolb will look better and better as Skelton will improve to 5-1 as a starter.

Houston’s seven-game winning streak will come to an end at the hands of Cam Newton and the Panthers.

Against the Texans, Panthers offensive coordinator Rob Chudzinski will design a play based on the movie Little Giants.

Coaches for the Buccaneers will be watching football movies all week to get ready for Carolina. But Chudzinski will be too smart for that, going with the Red Seven Hot Route play from Wedding Crashers.

The Lions will score 14 points over the final 7:47, including the go-ahead score on a 98-yard drive, to defeat the Raiders. Ndamukong Suh return from a two-game suspension to block the potential gamewinning kick, marking the second-straight game “Suh” will be mentioned in the same sentence as “kick.”

Reggie Bush will make a bold statement in his wish to get back together with Kim Kardashian, rushing for a career-high 203 yards in the Dolphins’ win over Buffalo.

The Bills were once 5-2. After Week 15, they will be 5-9. During that stretch, quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick will have eight touchdowns and 12 interceptions. His new theme song will be Mo Money, Mo Problems.

The two New Jersey teams will combine to score 29 points. Their two NFC East opponents will combine to score 68 points. It’s not over until the fat lady sings, but she is definitely going through warm ups.

The Seahawks will defeat the Jay Cutler-less Bears to improve to 7-7 and enter the Wild Card equation. Bears coach Lovie Smith will have a tough time figuring out where to put Sam Hurd on the injury list. Does arrest for federal drug charges make a player Doubtful or Questionable?

The Bengals will defeat the Rams to ensure that the AFC North will be the only division in the NFL with three teams above .500. The Rams’ loss will put them in at tie for the worst record in the NFC. Which feat is more impressive? You be the judge.

The Falcons will have no problem with the Jaguars, building a 27-0 halftime lead before coasting to victory. New Jacksonville owner Shahid Khan (no relation to Chaka) will wonder if the team was overpriced at $760 million.

That’s just $190 million per victory!

Post NFL-Week 14 (and 13) Predictions

2011-12-13T14:25:00.000-08:00

Predictions made about the previous (two) week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Twelve teams will go 2-0 over Week 13 and 14.

Included in that category will be the Arizona Cardinals.

Which would be a bigger story except that darn Tim Tebow will lead the Broncos to two come-from-behind victories.

After Week 14, sports talk will sound as though Tim Tebow entered his own portal in the movie Being Tim Tebow.

After Denver’s overtime win over Chicago in Week 14, Brian Urhlacher will make a back-handed compliment to Tebow, calling him “a good running back.”

That will be the best hit the Bears defense puts on Tebow all day.

The Falcons will need to score 24 points in the second half of their game against the Panthers to avoid going 0-2 over Week 13 and 14.

In Week 13, Matt Ryan will be outplayed by TJ Yates and Houston will defeat Atlanta.

The Texans will then take down the Bengals to earn their First. Playoff Appearance. Ever.

The Dolphins will defeat the Raiders and then lose to the Dreamgles. The Chiefs will defeat the Bears and then lose to the Jets.

The Raiders and Bears will each go 0-2 over Weeks 13 and 14, yet it will be Miami and Kansas City that will be without head coaches after Week 14.

Chiefs head coach Todd Haley will be axed one year after guiding the team to a 10-6 record and an AFC West title.

The NFL: Where Not For Long and No Faith Lasts happens.

After Week 14, the Eagles will be 5-8.

Which will not be as surprising as the fact that they will still be in contention to win the NFC East.

Thanks to the Cardinals’ win over the Cowboys in Week 13, the Giants’ come-from-behind victory over Dallas in Week 14 puts New York in first-place in the division.

Dallas will give up its third game after leading by more than 10 points in the fourth quarter.

That sound you will hear is Rex Ryan’s chances of a head coaching gig dying an agonizing death after looking like it was going to pull through.

Unless he is elevated to head coach at Dallas, where the bar has been set at “call a timeout to ice your own kicker.”

Tennessee will go 1-0 during Week 13 thanks to the running of Chris Johnson, who will finish with 23 carries for 153 yards and two touchdowns in a win over Buffalo.

Tennessee go 0-1 during Week 14 thanks to the running of Chris Johnson, who will finish with 11 carries for 23 yards and zero touchdowns in a loss to New Orleans.

The Saints will clinch a playoff berth by going 2-0 over Weeks 13 and 14. Drew Brees will earn the Denis Leary award for “Most NyQuil Ads Over A Season.”

The Buccaneers will fall to 4-9 with a 41-14 loss to the Jaguars. It will mark the fifth time this season Tampa Bay will have given up 35 or more points and lost. In 2010, when the Bucs finished 10-6, TB gave up 35 or more points just twice, going 1-1 in those two games.

Further proof that limiting the other team’s scoring is the best way to win.

The Packers will improve to 13-0 with a nail-biter against the Giants and a blowout of the Raiders.

In two losses over Weeks 13 and 14, Oakland quarterback Carson Palmer will go 44-for-83 for 518 yards, three touchdowns and five interceptions. Through seven games with the Raiders, Palmer will have nine touchdowns and 13 interceptions.

“Just Win, Baby” becomes “Just Don’t Throw It To The Other Team, Please.”

The Chargers will win twice to pull within two games of first-place in the AFC West, which will officially be called the cat-like Norv Turner’s eighth life.

The Bills will fall to 5-8 after being demolished by the Fighting Norv-ses in Week 14. Buffalo will be very upset after the game, but not half as upset as the Patriots, who will look back on their Week 3 loss to the Bills incredulously.

Speaking of upset, Tom Brady and offensive coordinator Bill O’Brien will do their best “Jersey Shore argument” routine late in the Patriots’ win over Washington.

GTL, boys. GTL.

The 49ers will shut out the Rams and then lose to the Cardinals, clinching a playoff berth in the process. San Francisco will have lost two of its past three games. The 49ers will breathe a sigh of relief once they realize that unlike every other division in the NFL, the NFC West has just one team over .500.

The Jets will get back on track with a pair of dominating performances over the Redskins and the Chiefs, which would look more impressive if it weren’t for the fat that it came against the Redskins and the Chiefs.

Mike Shanahan’s squad will fall to 4-9. He will be post his second-straight losing year for the first time in his career as a head coach while coaching the team for a full season.

Dan Snyder will be mad. You won’t like Dan Snyder when he’s mad. You probably won’t like Dan Snyder when he’s not mad either. He is not very likeable.

The Rams will fall to 2-10. Steve Spagnuolo will make a heck of a defensive coordinator for some team next year.

Seattle will go 2-0 to improve to 6-7. Just like the pickle-juice craze of 2000, NFL teams will see the success of Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch and start purchasing skittles in bulk.

Victory will always taste better than the rainbow.

The Browns will go 0-2 over Weeks 13 and 14. Colt McCoy will suffer a concussion during Cleveland’s loss to Pittsburgh and of course, Steelers linebacker James Harrison will be blamed.

Harrison will have an alibi though – he will be hitting Colt McCoy in the head at the time of the incident.

The Lions will go 1-1 and the Vikings will lose both games during Weeks 13 and 14. Since Minnesota played in the NFC Championship in 2009, Detroit will be 14-15 while Minnesota will be 8-21.

The curse of Fav-rah continues.

Ray Rice’s running will push the Ravens to wins in Weeks 13 and 14, as he will finish the two games with 307 yards on 55 carries with two touchdowns.

Ray Rice’s running will allow Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco to do what Joe Flacco does best, which is hand off to Ray Rice.

The Colts will fall to 0-13. The football gods, aka NFL fans, frown upon teams that don’t fight for an undefeated season.

Are you there, Green Bay? It’s us, NFL Fans.

Post NFL-Week 12 Predictions

2011-11-30T14:00:00.000-08:00

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

All over America, people will celebrate Thanksgiving by watching football. And eating. But mostly watching football.

FOXNews will at first be upset that football and eating are No. 1 and 2 on the “list of things to do on Thanksgiving,” until they are reminded that watching football and eating are each inherently American activities.

The Packers will hand the Lions their third-straight loss. Ndamukong Suh will be suspended for two games after he breaks into his “win dance,” which is illegal under the new collective bargaining agreement.

The spirit of Leon Lett will live on as a fumble will be the key play in a Thanksgiving Day game between the Cowboys and Dolphins. Unfortunately for Miami, Lett won’t be around to help set up a gimme field-goal attempt with seconds remaining in the game.

John will be the winner of the Har-bowl as the Ravens will end the 49ers’ eight-game winning streak. The Ravens will improve to 7-1 against teams with a winning record and 1-2 against teams with losing records.

Fortunately for the Ravens, teams with losing records do not make the postseason. At least, not this year.

Bills receiver Stevie Johnson will find out exactly what karma can do in the Bills’ loss to the Jets. The NFL gods frown upon attempted humor in touchdown celebrations. Just ask Chad Ochocinco. That dude is still paying for his dancing transgressions.

Andy Dalton will pick up his seventh win as a rookie starting quarterback in leading the Bengals to a victory over the Browns.

The Browns will fall to 0-2 in the division. Both losses will have been to the Bengals. The Browns will still have to face Baltimore and Pittsburgh twice. The NFL gods do not like Cleveland. Neither does Joakim Noah.

Speaking of karma and the NFL gods, Matt Leinart will suffer a season-ending injury after playing well early in Houston’s win over Jacksonville.

Atlanta quarterback Matt Ryan will have his first game this season with multiple touchdown passes and no interceptions in the Falcons’ win over Minnesota.

Falcons running back Michael Turner will finish four yards shy of out-rushing the entire Vikings team. Which would be impressive if it weren’t for the fact that Minnesota will rush for a mere 64 yards.

The NFC West will break the record for “divisional games that nobody cares about, not even the fans of the teams involved” when the Arizona Patrick Petersons defeat the Rams. I would tell you what the record is but frankly, nobody cares.

The Titans will defeat Tampa Bay to maintain their 4-1 record against teams with a sub-.500 record, thanks to the Broncos’ five-game winning streak.

In a related story, after Week 12, Tebowing will officially mean “winning ugly,” with the key word being “winning.”

The Redskins will end their six-game losing streak with a win over the Seahawks. Three of Washington’s four wins will be against the NFC West. Mike Shanahan will immediately petition the NFL to allow the Redskins to change divisions.

The Bears will fall to 0-1 without Jay Cutler. Sebastian Janikowski will make good on all six of his field goals to prove that he can carry a team, which isn’t much of a surprise, as he weighs 250 pounds.

Before Pittsburgh’s game against the Chiefs, Ben Roethlisberger will claim that he can beat Kansas City with one hand. This statement will not be smack talk, just facts, as he will be playing with a broken thumb on his throwing hand.

After the game, Chiefs quarterback Tyler Palko will wish he had a broken thumb to blame for his three interceptions.

The Panthers will end their 12-game road-losing streak while extending the Colts’ overall losing streak to 12 games, dating back to last year’s playoffs.

Indianapolis will fire their defensive coordinator and demote their second-string quarterback, going with the argument that their main problems this season will have been quarterback play and defense.

The Colts will be half right, but the way they handle the situation will be all wrong.

The Patriots will dominate the Eagles from start to finish. Giants fans will wonder where the team that beat New England was against Philadelphia.

One day later in New Orleans, Giants fans will wonder where the team was, period.

Post NFL-Week 11 Predictions

2011-11-22T13:34:00.000-08:00

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

After week 11, three teams will be on a five-game winning streak. They will all be from the NFC. Two of them will be in the NFC North. The third will be the 49ers.

The Jets will get Tebowed on Thursday night. Tim Tebow will improve to 4-1 as a starter. The Broncos’ strategy of publicly scouting potential quarterbacks to draft in order to motivate Tebow and the Broncos to keep playing well will continue to pay off.

Revis will get so bored by Tebow that he will allow Tebow to run right by him on the Broncos’ gamewinning drive.

Baltimore will hold off a pesky Bengals team to stay ahead of the Steelers in the AFC North. The Bengals will be 6-2 against all teams not Pittsburgh or Baltimore. Unfortunately for Team Marvin Lewis, they still have games remaining against both teams.

Cleveland will beat Jacksonville in the Ben Folds Five Battle Of Who Could Care Less Bowl.

Jacksonville’s 3-7 record after Week 11 would tie for the worst record in the conference, if it wasn’t for those darn Colts, who are 0-10.

Indianapolis would be 0-11 after Week 11, but luckily for the Colts, the Bye is not recognized as a legitimate opponent by the NFL.

Detroit will tell Carolina, “nyah, nyah, my Number 1 overall pick from an SEC school is better than your Number 1 overall pick from an SEC school.”

The SEC: Where Number 1 overall picks happen.

Warren Sapp and Brett Favre will place a friendly wager on the Green Bay – Tampa Bay game, with the loser forced to text pictures of himself to the winner. Fortunately for Brett, Green Bay will win to improve to 10-0.

Miami will continue to distance itself from its Luck-y day with a dominant win over Buffalo.

Buffalo and Miami will continue to travel in opposite directions, as the Dolphins will win their third-straight while the Bills will lose their third-straight.

Carson Palmer will lead the Raiders to their second non-divisional road win of 2011, which will be two more non-divisional road wins than Oakland got in all of 2010.

Keeping with the history of the relationship between early settlers and Native Americans, the Cowboys will destroy the Redskins’…already slim chances of making the playoffs.

After the game, Redskins quarterback DeAngelo Hall will tell the team to cut him because of his poor play. Seeing this as merely a ploy to get off a sinking ship, Washington will not oblige him.

The 49ers will improve to 9-1, which would be the best record in the NFL, if it weren’t for those darn Packers.

Cardinals fans clamoring for John Skelton to be named the permanent starting quarterback will be reminded why he is the backup.

Completing just 6-of-19 passes for 99 yards and three interceptions will do that to you.

Backup to the backup Richard Bartel will play well in relief, leading Cardinals fans to ask for him to be named the permanent starting quarterback.

If Seattle and St. Louis play each other and a berth to the playoffs is not on the line, will anyone care?

The short answer: no.

The long answer: not one bit.

After Week 10’s 130-yard performance, Titans’ running back Chris Johnson will return to the player he once was.

Johnson will rush for 13 yards on 12 carries in a loss to Atlanta, returning to his early 2011-form when he rushed for 24 yards against Jacksonville, 21 against Denver, 18 against Houston and 34 against Indy.

The good news: Chicago will defeat San Diego.

The bad news: Jay Cutler will suffer a possible season-ending thumb injury in the win.

The good news: Cutler will have more time to spend with Kristin Cavallari.

The bad news: Cutler will have more time to spend with Kristin Cavallari.

Statisticians will successfully jinx the New York Giants with their “Eagles have lost five games after leading in the fourth quarter” and their “Giants have won four after trailing in the fourth quarter.” The Eagles will hold on to one of their fourth-quarter leads to defeat their NFC East opponent and move two games behind Dallas and New York.

Kansas City will score in single digits for the fourth time this season. New England will surpass 30 points for the sixth time this season. This will not be a recipe for victory for the Chefs.

Post NFL-Week 10 Predictions

2011-11-15T16:06:00.000-08:00

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those game

The Eagles’ ~~~~Dream~~ Team~~ Nightmare season will continue with a late loss to Arizona.

Adding insult to injury, the Cardinals will win with their backup quarterback.

On the road.

On the plus side, the Eagles’ nightmare will continue to be everyone else’s dream.

The quarterback formerly known as Carson Palmer will finally play like the quarterback formerly known as Carson Palmer while leading the Raiders to a win over San Diego with more touchdowns than interceptions for the first time since last December, when he led the Bengals to a win over the Chargers.

After Week 10, Palmer will have three wins in his past 13 games. Two of them will be against San Diego.

The second-highest rusher for the Raiders will pick up 39 yards on the ground.

He will out-rush the best rusher for the Chargers.

If at all possible, the winless Colts will sink to yet another low in their loss to the Jaguars, benching third-string quarterback Curtis Painter for fourth-string quarterback (and Safety Dance fan) Dan Orlovsky.

Atlanta head coach Mike Smith will channel his inner-Belichick and fail on a fourth down attempt at his own 29 in an overtime loss to the Saints.

Drew Brees will then channel his inner-Peyton and lead his team to victory.

Baltimore will fall to 0-2 in games following wins over the Steelers.

The combined record of the two teams to beat the Ravens after they beat the Steelers will be 8-10.

The Giants will suffer a tough loss to the 49ers, falling to 2-2 against the NFC West. Victor Cruz will be told by Manning after the game, “they’re not saying ‘boo,’ they’re saying ‘Cruuuuz.’”

The Giants’ two wins over NFC West opponents will be more than that of Seattle (one), Arizona (one) and St. Louis (zero). Good thing those teams don’t play in the NFC West.

The 49ers will improve to 8-1 with their win over the Giants. The 49ers will have their best record after nine games since 1997, when they also started 8-1.

That year, they finished tied with Green Bay for the best record in the NFC and the Packers defeated San Francisco in the NFC Championship.

In a related story, the Packers will have no problem dispatching the Vikings to improve to 9-0. More and more wives and girlfriends will start to notice Aaron Rodgers and how “cute” he is.

Thus will begin Rodgers’ trip to becoming disliked by the average fan, a la Jeter and Brady. The model girlfriend is next.

The Dolphins will hand Mike Shanahan’s Redskins their fifth-consecutive loss, the longest losing streak in Shanahan’s coaching career.

Reggie Bush will continue his attempt to get back with Kim Kardashian by rushing for a season-high two touchdowns. Since hearing about Kardashian’s marriage troubles, Bush will have 62 carries for 355 yards (5.7 average) and three touchdowns along with 15 receptions for 82 yards in his past five games.

Most people get drunk and drive by their ex’s house at three in the morning to express their love. Reggie Bush just goes on an impressive offensive streak.

The good news for Houston: it will easily handle the Buccaneers to improve to 7-3, the best record in the AFC.

The bad news for Houston: it will now have to rely on Matt Leinart (he of the 70.8 career quarterback rating) to reach the playoffs for the first time in team history.

After Week 10, Tampa Bay will have given up 163 points in its five losses, compared to 70 in its four wins, proving, once and for all, that teams need to outscore their opponents to win games.

Tim Tebow will complete two passes against the Chiefs. For 69 yards. And the Broncos will win.

Which doesn’t say much for Tebow.

But it really doesn’t say much for the Chiefs.

Shades of Super Bowl XXVII as the Cowboys will romp over the Bills.

Unfortunately, Leon Lett will not be around to make a bone-headed play that will be mocked for eternity.

Fortunately, he made two such plays during his career.

The Rams will score 13 points for the second straight game. Usually not a recipe for success, unless you are facing the Browns, who will muster only 12.

Pittsburgh will hold off those pesky Bengals by a touchdown. Steelers will complain about Andy Dalton’s red hair being a distraction. Bengals will merely point to No. 43 in black and yellow.

The Titans will improve to 4-1 against teams with a record under .500, defeating the Panthers. As an added bonus, Chris Johnson will finally end his hold-out before the game and make a triumphant return with 130 yards on 27 carries and a touchdown.

What’s that you say? He’s been playing the entire season? I don’t believe you.

Chicago’s offense will account for one touchdown and three field goals and its quarterback will complete under 50 percent of his passes, but it won’t matter, as Devin Hester and the Bears’ defense will take care of Detroit.

Matthew Stafford will throw to the Bears four times, including two for touchdowns, giving Stafford a quarterback rating of 158.3.

If only Matthew Stafford played for the Bears.

New England will use its patented “no one expects us to win; everyone is down on us; let’s prove them wrong” plan to perfection, battering the Jets in New Jersey.

One New Jersey team will be 0-2 against the Patriots this season. The other is already 1-0. You would not believe me if I told you which team was which.

Post NFL-Week 9 Predictions

2011-11-09T14:49:00.000-08:00

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those gam

After waking up from a nightmare after Week 8, Philadelphia’s loss to the Bears will make Eagles’ opponents realize Week 8 was just a bad dream.

On the bright side for the Eagles, LeSean McCoy will take over the top spot in the rushing yards category. Unfortunately for the Eagles, McCoy will cement his status as “first-overall-pick-in-2012-who-will-then-have-a-disappointing-season.”

In a related story, Titans running back Chris Johnson will record his second-highest rushing total this season: 64 yards.

After Week 9, Johnson will rank 34^thin the NFL with 45.8 yards per game.

Among the many players ahead of him will be none other than Tim Tebow (46.2 yards per game).

Tebow will rush for a career-best 118 yards in a win over the Raiders while he improves his record as a starting quarterback to 3-3. After the game, he will have six touchdowns against just one interception.

Which is more than what can be said for Carson Palmer, who will throw three interceptions against the Broncos to give him 19 touchdowns and 20 picks in his last 12 games with his teams posting a combined record of 2-10. Somewhere, Hue Jackson is updating his resume.

Andy Dalton will lead the Bengals to a victory over Tennessee, giving Dalton a 6-2 record to start his career. His fellow starting rookie quarterbacks Cam Newton (two wins), Christian Ponder (one win) and Blaine Gabbert (one win) will use their bye week to find just the right shade of red to dye their hair.

After watching LSU and Alabama combine for six points in the first half of their slugfest, the two New Jersey teams decide, anything college football can do, pro football can do better.

The Jets will go into halftime with a 3-0 lead over Buffalo. The Giants and Patriots will finish the first two quarters with nary a point.

Both New Jersey teams will go on to record wins against their AFC East opponents. The Giants will improve to 3-0 against the AFC East. In a flashback to Super Bowl XLIV, Eli Manning will throw a desperation pass to No. 85 who will make a great catch to keep the gamewinning drive alive. A clothing company’s attempt to make money off the win falls flat when nobody buys their “5-3” t-shirts.

In a classic Baltimore-Pittsburgh slugfest, Joe Flacco and Ben Roethlisberger will combine to throw for over 600 yards.

It will be the first time since Dec. 29, 2002 that a quarterback from either team throws for over 300 yards against the other (Jeff Blake, Baltimore), and the first time since before the Ravens became the Ravens that both quarterbacks throw for over 300 yards.

Some will say that this ain’t your daddy’s Baltimore-Pittsburgh slugfest.

Yet somehow, strangely, it is.

Chiefs head coach Todd Haley will decide that his seat is too cold. A beatdown by the previously-winless Dolphins in Kansas City will heat that up nicely.

Both Ben Tate and Arian Foster will go over the century mark in rushing yards in the Texans’ win over Cleveland. Tennessee will wish that its two running backs would at least combine for 100 yards.

DeMarco Murray will officially “Wally Pipp” Felix Jones as the Cowboys will defeat the Seahawks. Fantasy Owners who picked up Murray will take a minute to congratulate themselves.

Ok, we’re back.

The 49ers will defeat the Redskins, which would be much more impressive if Washington wasn’t on a three-game losing streak coming into the contest. Before the game, Mike Shanahan will go to a tanning salon and ask for a “John Boehner.”

Green Bay will hold off San Diego to improve to 8-0, the first Super Bowl winning team to open the next season 8-0 since Denver in 1998. That season, the Broncos’ first loss came at the hands of the New York Giants on Dec. 13. The 2011 Packers will face the Giants on Dec. 4. Somewhere, Kent Graham is warming up.

It will take overtime for 1-6 Arizona to defeat 1-6 St. Louis. Ladies and Gentlemen, the NFC West!

Unfortunately for the Colts, they will lose, again, this time to Atlanta.

Fortunately for the Colts, they will be the only winless team in the NFL.

Unfortunately for the Colts, Luck will have nothing to do with that.

Post NFL-Week 8 Predictions

2011-11-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Against the Cowboys, the Eagles will play like the Dream Team Vince Young purported them to be. After Sunday night, the rest of their opponents will start having nightmares.

Three teams shall enter Week 8 without a victory. Two will remain that way after Week 8. There can be only one…Winless.

Team 1 has good receivers but no one to throw them the ball. Team 2 has no receivers and no quarterback to throw them the ball. Team 3 finally has a receiver but its starting quarterback can’t throw him the ball (because of a high ankle sprain).

If you guessed Team 3, you are correct! Recently traded for receiver Brandon Lloyd will show just how bad the other Rams receivers are by leading St. Louis in receptions, receiving yards and receiving touchdowns in his first game with the team. Backup qb AJ Feeley will pick up his first win since the 2007 season and St. Louis will defeat the Saints to pick up their first victory of the season.

Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa will retire immediately after the game, recognizing that helping the Rams to a victory is an achievement he will never be able to surpass.

Rams head coach Steve Spagnuolo will point out to his team that the St. Louis Cardinals were 10.5 games out of a Wild Card spot with five weeks to play and they went on to win the World Series, so being five games back with 10 weeks to play is nothing. His motivational tool successful, Spagnuolo's Rams will go out and surprise the Saints.

Unfortunately for Spagnuolo, Tony Bennett will take down Ian Hunter to maintain his five-game lead over the Rams.

That is to say, the NFC West-leading San Francisco 49ers will improve to 6-1 with a victory over Cleveland. SF will match last year’s wins total with nine games to play.

The Colts (Team 1) will remain winless after getting blown out by Tennessee. The Titans thank their lucky stars they are in the AFC South. Four games against Jacksonville (2-6) and Indy (0-8)?! Sign me up!

The Titans’ Chris Johnson (14 carries, 34 yards) will be outrushed by Javon Ringer (14 carries, 60 yards). Which wouldn’t be a big deal except that Ringer is also a Titan. Ringer is already planning to hold out for 53.5 million next training camp.

Unfortunately for the Giants, they will do what they always do: play poorly after the bye week. Fortunately for New York, its Week 8 opponent is Miami (Team 2), which means that playing poorly just means a close win instead of a blow out. Running back Brandon Jacobs will finally get consistent playing time and prove he belongs…on the sideline.

Tim Tebow will go back to pass but will have to evade the rush after Tim Tebow will miss his block. Tebow will then pass to Tim Tebow, who won't be able to get his hands on the ball and it will be intercepted by the Lions. On the ensuing drive, Tim Tebow will get zero pressure on Detroit quarterback Matthew Stafford and linebacker Tim Tebow will bite on the play fake, leaving cornerback Tim Tebow one-on-one against the best receiver in football, Calvin Johnson, who will beat Tebow for a touchdown.

At least, that is what we will assume after hearing all the blame heaped on Tebow after the Broncos are crushed by Detroit.

The Ravens will come back from a 24-6 halftime deficit to defeat the Cardinals. Before the game, Joe Flacco will be told in no uncertain terms that he was given a shiny new receiver to throw to and if he doesn’t want the new receiver then the team will take that receiver back. Anquan Boldin will then rack up seven receptions for 145 yards, his highest-yards total as a Raven. Flacco will still have to serve in timeout after the game.

Houston will improve to 4-0 against teams with a record under .500 (and 5-3 overall) by defeating the Jaguars. Not coincidentally, the other teams in the Texans’ division will be a combined 6-17 after Week 8. Everyone will circle Nov. 13 and Jan. 1 on their calendars for the matchups between the Jaguars and Colts, who will be a combined 2-14 after Week 8. Indianapolis would be thrilled to finish the season 2-14. Ladies and gentlemen, the AFC South!

Buffalo and Washington will square off in Canada. Despite being within an hour of the Canadian border, the Bills are still American and hence not required by law to be nice. Buffalo will prove to be rude hosts and shut out a Mike Shanahan-coached team for the first time, well, ever.

Carolina’s Cam Newton will fall to 1-1 against other starting rookie quarterbacks as Minnesota’s Christian Ponder will match Donovan McNabb’s win total as a Vikings quarterback.

Meanwhile, Cincinnati’s Andy Dalton will quietly improve to 5-2 as a starter with a win at Seattle. Dalton’s five wins will be more than Newton (two), Ponder (one) and the Jaguars Blaine Gabbert (one) combined.

Since their win over New Orleans in last year’s playoff game they never should have been in let alone hosted, the Seahawks are 2-6. Karma is a powerful force.

Philip Rivers’ late minute struggles will continue as the Chefs will escape with a victory over San Diego. The game will feature eight combined turnovers. Todd Haley will be thankful his beard hides all his colorful language from TV cameras.

The game of the week will feature the Steelers and the Patriots. New England fans will cry foul after Hair Polamalu breaks the rules to help Pittsburgh get a late safety. Pittsburgh fans will merely say, “Spygate says what”?

Post NFL-Week 7 Predictions

2011-10-25T12:19:00.000-07:00

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

A Pizza Hut commercial starring the football player formerly known as Reggie Bush will include the line, “I can’t believe I’m here with my fantasy football draft pick Reggie Bush.” NFL Fans will add, “I can’t believe anyone was dumb enough to draft Reggie Bush.” NFL Fans’ wives/girlfriends will throw in, “I think he and Kim Kardashian were a cute couple.”

The weakness of this week’s NFL schedule will almost make fans switch over to watch the World Series.

Almost.

Those fans who do switch over to the World Series will hear the voice of Joe Buck, remember how much they dislike him and switch back to the Seahawks – Browns game, which will keep fans captivated with the classic “will they or won’t they” story line. As in, “will they or won’t they” combine for more than 10 points.

They won’t.

In their game against the Colts, the Saints will also go with the “will they or won’t they” story line, as in “will they or won’t they" post more points in the first quarter alone than 14 teams will in an entire game.

They will.

The Saints will whup Indianapolis so badly that even Steve Spurrier will criticize Sean Payton for running up the score.

John Beck replaces Rex Grossman and will lead the Redskins to a loss against Carolina. Mike Shanahan’s Annual Quarterback Carousel is in full swing!

Christian Ponder will acquit himself well in a loss to the Packers, as he will throw for 219 yards and two touchdowns while keeping the Vikings in the game. Charles Woodson will intercept Ponder twice. Charles Woodson will officially be named Worst Welcome Wagon Ever.

Phillip Rivers will suffer a brain lapse late in the Chargers’ loss to the Jets, throwing the ball out of bounds on fourth down. No confirmation on reports that someone on the Jets' sidelines was heard saying “Confundo” right before Rivers’ errant throw.

The Bears will defeat the Buccaneers in a football game at Wembley Stadium in England. Fans expecting The Beautiful Game will be sorely disappointed, on many levels.

Carson Palmer will make his triumphant return to football, throwing a touchdown pass to Brandon Flowers in the Raiders game against Kansas City.

Unfortunately, Flowers plays for the Chiefs.

After Week 7, Palmer will have thrown 16 touchdowns and 17 interceptions in his last 11 games and his teams will have a combined record of 2-9. The Raiders could end up giving the Bengals two first round draft picks for him. Somewhere, Al Davis still thinks it was a steal.

After Week 7, Tim Tebow detractors will say that he went just 13-of-27 for the game and the Broncos’ offense did nothing for 54:37 minutes.

Tebow supporters will counter with his two touchdown passes, his 85 rushing yards, his successful two-point conversion and, most important, the fact that he led his team to a come-from-behind victory over the Dolphins.

Tebow detractors will scoff and point out that the Dolphins are terrible.

Tebow supporters will agree that the Dolphins are, in fact, terrible.

Afterwards, both groups will go out for scones, because who doesn’t like a nice, warm scone?

Houston will defeat Tennessee to improve to 3-0 against teams with a record of .500 or worse. Unfortunately for the Texans, they are just 1-3 against teams with a record above .500. Fortunately for Houston, they are the only team in their division with a record above .500. Unfortunately for the Texans, they have the worst record of any of the division leaders.

Matt Ryan will play through a tough injury to lead the Falcons to a win over Detroit. After the loss, Atlanta head coach Mike Smith will be very careful while shaking Lions’ head coach Jim Schwartz’s hand. That dude’s got the crazy eyes.

The rematch of Super Bowl XLIII won’t be much of a match, at all, as the Steelers will soundly defeat the Cardinals. Arizona will fall to 1-5 and yet will not be in last place in its division. Thank goodness for St. Louis!

The Dallas Cowboys will ride Tony Romo to victory over the winless Rams. Correction: the Dallas Cowboys will ride Tony Romo’s ability to hand off to DeMarco Murray to victory over the winless Rams.

There will be a rash of back injuries from fantasy owners who keep patting themselves on the back after picking up Murray prior to Week 7.

The Jaguars will prove to the Ravens that in football, just as in cards, four three’s always beats one seven.

Post NFL-Week 6 Predictions

2011-10-18T15:39:00.000-07:00

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

The Packers will remain undefeated.

The Colts will remain defeated.

The Packers are the first Super Bowl winning team since the 2007 Colts to start their next season 6-0. Somewhere, probably in Indiana, Colts fans are remembering those days fondly.

Aaron Rodgers will lead the Packers to 24 points in the first two quarters and then use the second half to practice his acting skills. A source close to Rodgers will divulge that the Green Bay quarterback is hoping to Wally Pipp Peyton Manning out of the commercial business.

Curtis Painter will do everything he can to remain Indianapolis’ backup quarterback in 2012. In a related story, the Colts will lose to the Bengals.

Cincinnati rookie quarterback Andy Dalton will begin his NFL career 4-2. The other two starting rookie quarterbacks will have two wins combined.

The 49ers will defeat the Lions in a battle of surprise teams. Unfortunately, According To Jim will take the spotlight from what will be a great, back-and-forth game. Fortunately, Jim Belushi will not be involved.

For the first time in recorded history, a man will say of another man, “I guess I shook his hand too hard.”

The Steelers will make an easy win over the Jaguars look hard.

The Browns will rush for 65 yards in a loss to the Raiders. After an apparent season-ending injury to Oakland quarterback Jason Campbell, backup Kyle Boller will play so well that the team will mortgage its future for Carson Palmer.

In a loss to the Falcons, Cam Newton will have the worst game of his young NFL career with zero touchdowns, three interceptions and a 44.6 quarterback rating.

Rex Grossman will lead Philadelphia to victory over the Redskins. He will wish he had a 44.6 rating against the Eagles.

Ryan Seacrest is already practicing his opening line for the season’s hot new show: “This……is Redskins Quarterback!”

Going into week 6, the Bears were ranked top five in the NFL in sacks given up and the Vikings were among the league leaders in sacks. So of course, Donovan McNabb will be sacked five times and Jay Cutler will be sacked just once.

The Vikings’ Donovan McNabb era will end with a whimper. Similar to how the Brett Favre era ended. Veteran quarterbacks looking to prolong their NFL careers will make a note to selves: do not sign with the Vikings. Unless they offer money.

The New York Giants will defeat the only team that actually plays in New York, the Buffalo Bills.

The New York Jets will defeat the Dolphins. After the game, Rex Ryan will say, “See? I told you we would win the Super Bowl.”

Rex Ryan isn’t crazy. His mother had him tested.

Ray Rice will out-rush the entire Texans team and Baltimore will beat Houston. The Texans will fall to 3-3 overall, a half-game behind the division leader, the Titans, who are 3-2, marking the worst record for a division leader in the NFL. Ladies and gentlemen, the AFC South!

The Buccaneers will rebound from the shellacking they received from the 49ers and defeat the Saints in a mini-upset. New Orleans head coach Sean Payton will prove that sideline injuries are not just for 84-year old Big Ten coaches.

Tom Brady will prove he’s no Samson by leading the Patriots to victory over the Cowboys despite receiving a haircut before the game.

Post NFL-Week 5 Predictions

2011-10-11T11:24:00.000-07:00

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

The Indianapolis Colts will snatch defeat from the claws of victory.

Two separate leads of 17 points will disappear as the Chefs come back to defeat the PeytonManningless Colts. Matt Cassell and Todd Haley will have apparently kissed and made up. At least for this week.

The Eagles will remain in the media spotlight by losing.

The Bills will remain out of the media spotlight by winning.

Vince Young’s “Dream Team” will be officially renamed “Bad Dream.” The 1992 USA Basketball team will call the 1972 Miami Dolphins to ask how they celebrate when the last undefeated NFL team loses.

The Giants will do what the Giants do best, losing to an inferior team. The Seahawks will do what they do best, winning a game they should never have won.

Victor Cruz’s upcoming book will be called Even More Than Just The Catch. It will be followed by a sequel, Still More Than Just The Catch.

The Seahawks’ Brandon Browner will also write a book, entitled I Got Your Catch Right Here.

Let’s play, The Rookie Game! Three rookies will start for their respective teams in week five. You pick the winner! Rookie A will go 16-of-31 for 224 yards, two touchdowns and one interception. Rookie B will throw for 179 yards along with two touchdowns and one interception on 21-of-33 passing. Rookie C will finish the game 15-of-28 for 221 yards and a touchdown.

Rookie A (Cam Newton) will fall to 1-4 on the season with a loss to the Saints. Rookie C’s (Blaine Gabbert) will also fall to 1-4 after a loss to Rookie B, our winner, Andy Dalton!

In a related story, Dalton’s Cincinnati Bengals will pick up their third win of the season, one more than the other two rookie starting qbs’ wins combined. Somewhere, Carson Palmer is thinking, “I did NOT see this coming.”

New Orleans’ Drew Brees appreciates what Cam Newton had to say about him. Brees will also appreciate the fact that the Panthers defense will allow him to throw for 359 yards and two touchdowns in the Saints’ victory.

After giving up an average of 3.5 sacks per game in their first four contests, the Steelers sign former Steeler offensive lineman Max Starks prior to game five. The result: only one sack by the Titans as Ben Roethlisberger eclipses his season total of touchdown passes (three) with five against Tennessee.

Tebow Time will start in Denver with a roar against the Chargers. Well, not a roar, as the Broncos will lose, but not a whimper either.

Tebow Time will start in Denver with an inquisitive growl.

Broncos fans will be thrilled to find out that Tebow is now their starting quarterback. At least for this week. And probably next week too, as Denver has a bye.

Both the 49ers and Lions will prove their mettle by defeating solid teams in the Buccaneers and the Bears.

After week five, two teams will have scored 48 points in one game. If you had heard prior to the season that those teams would be Detroit and San Francisco, you would have said, “1995 called, it wants its Lions and 49ers back.”

You would have made that joke because you were aware that in 1995, the Lions were first in yards and second in points and the 49ers were first in points and second in yards.

Green Bay will become the first Super Bowl winning team to open its next season 5-0 since the 2007 Colts.
The Packers will also improve to 2-0 in their last two games at Atlanta, including last year’s playoffs. Green Bay will join New Orleans as the only two teams to pin two losses against Matt Ryan at home. This will not stop sports gabbers from bringing up Ryan’s home record every chance they get.

Prior to their game against Arizona, the Vikings will look at their 0-4 record and say, “if only we had a running back who could lead us to victory over the Cardinals by setting season-highs in carries (29), yards (122) and touchdowns (three).” If only, indeed.

BenJarvis Green-Ellis, not Tom Brady, will lead the Patriots to a win over the visiting Jets. After the game, NYJ will rank 26th in the NFL in rushing defense. If it’s any consolation to their fans, the Jets will be 28th in total yards per game after week five.

Al Davis is not quite the Gipper, but the Raiders will win one for him anyway. All of his recent iffy draft picks and free-agent signings will suddenly be looked upon as genius. At least for this week.

Post-NFL Week 4 Predictions

2011-10-04T16:48:00.000-07:00

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

After Week 4, only two teams will be undefeated. They will each have a young quarterback, a solid receiving corps and a hard-hitting, fast and opportunistic defense. One of them will be the defending Super Bowl Champions. The other will be the Lions. That sound you will hear will be so quiet you will be able to hear a pin drop.

The Bills’ win over the Patriots and the fact that a game with the Eagles is looming means Buffalo will fall to the Bengals in a classic trap game. The victory for Cincinnati means that Andy Dalton begins his NFL career 2-2. Raise your hand if you thought Dalton would have the best record of any of the rookie starting quarterbacks. Put your hand down, Andy.

Two NFC East teams will separate themselves from the rest of the division. They will not be the Eagles or the Cowboys.

After Week 4, America’s Dream Team will be a combined 3-5

Tony Romo detractors will finally get off the schneid.

Tony Romo fans will remember the good times when Romo fought through injury to lead his team to victory. Romo detractors refer to that two-week stretch as: “the dark days.”

The 49ers will be in first-place in the NFC West with a 3-1 record after Week 4. They will be the only team in their division to have scored more points than they have given up. Jim Harbaugh will have to think for a minute when asked the question, “which is tougher, the Pac-12 or the NFC West”?

The Cowboys will hold a 24-point lead and lose. The Eagles will hold a 20-point lead and lose. The Jacksonville Jaguars and St. Louis Rams will still be waiting to score 20 points in a game.

After Week 4, the Jaguars will be last in the NFL in scoring, averaging 9.8 points per game. After Week 4, the Jaguars will have the same record as the Philadelphia Eagles.

The Eagles’ decision to make Michael Vick the starter and trade Kevin Kolb to the Cardinals will turn out to be a win for both teams. Literally. After four games, each team will have a win.

Against New Orleans, Jacksonville rookie quarterback Blaine Gabbert will finish with a 51.3 quarterback rating. Unfortunately, the Jaguars will trail St. Louis, Minnesota, Miami and Indianapolis in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. Fortunately for Gabbert, even if the Jaguars get the No. 1 overall pick in next year’s NFL Draft, they probably won’t take Luck. Probably.

The Jets and Ravens will prove the best offense is a good defense.

The defenses of the Jets and Ravens will combine to outscore their combined offenses, 35-13.

Correction: the Jets and Ravens will prove that their best offense IS their defense.

Joe Flacco and Mark Sanchez will combine to go 21-for-66 for 282 yards and two interceptions and four fumbles lost. For the first time in recorded history, the words, “try to play more like Trent Dilfer” will be uttered.

The quarterback formerly known as Matt Cassell will lead the Chiefs to a victory over the Vikings.

Donovan McNabb will play well enough to keep his job, but poorly enough to keep Minnesota winless.

After watching the game, former filmmaker Spike Lee will decide to make a movie based on Kansas City’s head coach, entitled: Todd Haley: Makin’ Friends.

The Falcons will lead by 20-points and hold on to defeat the Seahawks. Seattle fans will take heart that Tavaris Jackson can play well enough for his team to lose only by two.

Arian Foster will return from a hamstring injury to rush for 155 yards and one touchdown as Houston will defeat Pittsburgh. That sound you will hear after the game is millions of fantasy football owners dropping Texans’ backup running back Ben Tate.

The Packers will become the first team since the 2007 Giants to start the next season 4-0 after winning the Super Bowl. Aaron Rodgers’ performance will spark multiple “who is the best quarterback in the NFL today” arguments around the water coolers on Monday. Kyle Orton’s performance…yawn…I’m sorry, what were we talking about?

After getting sacked 13 times in the first three games, Jay Cutler will wise up and ask his former ex Kristin Cavallari for her advice. She recommends that he hand off to that Forte guy. The result will be a career day for Forte and a win for the Bears.

The Miami Dolphins will lose to the Chargers to fall to 0-4. Head coach Tony Sparano still believes his team has a chance to win the AFC East. After an investigation, it is proven that his glasses are not, in fact, “Dolphins-colored.” They’re just prescription.

The Patriots will defeat the Raiders in the Black Hole. The “eff-you” mentality will be key in New England’s dominant victory. That, and two Jason Campbell interceptions.

Patriots’ defensive lineman Vince Wilfork will pick off his second pass of the season. Chris Berman will be able to rest easy, knowing that he has his “rumbling, bumbling, stumbling” highlight. Now, if only he can throw in a “back, back, back, back, gone!” somewhere...

Curtis Painter will have his best game as an NFL quarterback in the Colts’ loss to the Buccaneers. Painter’s performance will not make Indy fans forget about Peyton Manning. Or Andrew Luck. But his performance will make Indy fans forget about that Kerry guy.

Post-NFL Week 3 Predictions

2011-09-27T11:00:00.000-07:00

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Week three will be all about ending streaks. The Bills will end 15-game losing streak against the Patriots. The Lions will end a 13-game losing streak at the Metrodome. The Giants will end a six-game losing streak against the Eagles. The Raiders will end a five-game losing streak to non-division opponents. The Buccaneers will end a five-game losing streak to the Falcons. The Gramatica brothers will be relevant for the first time in five years.

Unconfirmed reports say Bill tore his ACL while celebrating the news that he and his brother were cast in a Bud Light commercial.

Two quarterbacks, a sixth-round draft choice and a seventh-round draft choice, will go toe-to-toe as the Bills will come from behind to defeat the Patriots. Somewhere, former No. 1 overall pick JaMarcus Russell is studying hard to get his degree.

Seriously, JaMarcus Russell returned to LSU to get his degree.

Mel Kiper Jr. still thinks that JaMarcus Russell will be the next John Elway. Todd McShay continues to be in awe of JaMarcus Russell. Al Davis doesn’t know who JaMarcus Russell is.

In Kiper Jr. and McShay’s defense, most NFL teams aren’t much smarter. In Davis’ defense, he’s Al Davis.

Late in the second half of its loss to Detroit, Minnesota will offer further proof that chicks do indeed dig the Longwell.

However, chicks will not dig the fact that with the game on the line, Minnesota’s coaching staff will choose to leave one defender covering the best receiver in the NFL, Calvin Johnson.

Wide receiver Steve Smith’s return will pay immediate dividends. Not for the Eagles, but for the Giants, who will go on to defeat Vince Young’s Dream Team in Philly.

The Giants’ coaching staff will design a defense for Michael Vick and the Eagles based on Tom Coughlin’s favorite song, which as everyone knows, is Hit ‘Em High by B Real, Coolio, Busta Rhymes and Method Man.

“If you can hit ‘em high, hit ‘em high, hit ‘em high. If you can hit ‘em low, hit ‘em low, hit ‘em low.”

After using the chorus as a mantra leading up to the Eagles game, the song will remain in the Giants’ heads for at least a week. Maybe two. It’s damn catchy.

The Ravens will score 21 points in the first quarter in a blowout victory over the Rams. At 0-3, the Rams are still in playoff contention. Ladies and gentlemen, the NFC West!

The Texans will come thisclose to beating the Saints in New Orleans. The defenses for each team will come thisclose to making any kind of impact on the game.

The Packers will become the first Super Bowl winner to start the next season 3-0 since the 2007 Giants. Greg Jennings’ twitter feed will blow up with fans asking him not to shoot himself in the foot, literally or figuratively.

In a game that has zero playoff implications whatsoever, the Panthers will defeat the Jaguars.

In a game that has playoff implications only because it’s the NFC West, the Seahawks will defeat the Cardinals.

The Bengals and the 49ers will do their best baseball impersonation. Just like their MLB counterparts, neither team will reach the playoffs. Also like their MLB counterparts, neither team will do much of anything offensively.

The Colts will play well enough to lose to the Steelers.

The performances of Curtis Painter and Kerry Collins will cause everyone watching the game to say, “I could throw better than that.” And they would be correct.

The Titans will defeat the Broncos in Tennessee. In a game featuring running back Chris Johnson, Denver’s Willis McGahee will be the game’s leading rusher with 52 yards. Fantasy owners will joke that they should have picked McGahee with the No. 1 overall pick. Although right now, Chris Johnson owners would be stoked to have McGahee’s numbers (54 carries, 156 yards, 2.9 average, one touchdown).

Those numbers don’t speak well for Willis McGahee. But they really don’t speak well for Chris Johnson.

Ryan Mathews has a career day to lead the Chargers to a win over the GreatJobButWhoAreTheChefs. Mathews’ 2010 fantasy owners will wonder where that production was last season. Mathews’ 2010 fantasy owners are still not bitter.

Tony Romo will put in another gutty performance to lead the Cowboys to victory. Romo’s disappointed detractors will ask him to go to Mexico on his bye week so they can criticize him again.

Post-NFL Week 2 Predictions

2011-09-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games

Week 2
Kristin Cavallari is hired by the Saints as a defensive consultant; the result is six sacks for New Orleans on Jay Cutler. Her need to get back at her ex sated, Cavallari pulls a Costanza and retires from the NFL.

Jennifer Lopez debuts her new commercial, I mean song, and millions of NFL fans say: “wait, isn’t that the lady who used to date Marc Anthony?”

Apparently, NFL fans are also fans Hawthorne, Man On Fire and Big Night.

Raiders and Bills will end up as the most fun game of the day. You heard it here first.

Cam Newton and the Panthers will lose on the same weekend as the Auburn Tigers. This is not a coincidence. It’s karma.

The Jets will put a whupping on Jacksonville. The Blaine Gabbert era will begin. The Luke McKown era will go down as the shortest era, ever. Somewhere next to a telephone, David Garrard is laughing.

Donovan McNabb will return to his 2002 form. In 2002, McNabb went 26-of-49 for 243 yards as Tampa Bay won the NFC Championship, 27-10. In 2011, McNabb will also lead his team to a loss to the Bucs.

The Colts will fall to 0-2.

The Patriots will again run just enough to set up the passing attack, which will actually include Chad Ochocinco. As he is no longer missing in action, he decides after the game not to rename himself Chuck Norris.

The Rams and Giants will play their game despite missing a combined 67 players to injury.

Despite the Giants’ win over the Rams, New York fans will chant the name of everyone’s favorite backup, Tim Tebow.

With the Ravens coming up in Week 3, the Rams will be forced to endure a week of hearing about the percentage chance 0-3 teams have at making the playoffs and the list of 0-3 teams that bounced back to make the playoffs.

Tom Coughlin’s challenge percentage and streak will move into Ted Williams and Joe DiMaggio territory. Someone on Monday Night Football will go with the overused and unfunny “Tom Coughlin is old but he understands technology” joke.

Teams that were thinking about hiring Todd Haley as offensive coordinator after the season decide to go a different direction after the Chiefs’ offense is shutdown by the Lions.

Detroit fans across the world will break out the team jerseys that have been hidden in their closets the last 10 years.

The Jets, Bills and Patriots are a combined 6-0. The Miami Dolphins are 0-2. One of these teams is not like the others.

The Dolphins are looking into realignment with the BIG EAST, as they feel that would give them a better chance to get into a BCS Bowl. The BIG EAST is excited that Miami is coming back to the fold, until they find out it’s the Dolphins and not the Hurricanes.

After two games, the 2010 NFC Playoff teams will be a combined 6-6. Not to be outdone, the 2010 AFC Playoff teams will also be a combined 6-6.

Denver will rebound and beat Cincinnati, but Bengals fans will feel better about their team’s future than Broncos fans.

A former Rutgers player will be the best player on the field in the Titans – Ravens matchup. But it won’t be Ray Rice. Or Jason McCourty. You were thinking it was going to be Jason McCourty, weren’t you.

Matt Ryan will improve to 21-2 at home in the regular season. Green Bay Packers fans prefer the other side of that statistic, which is that Matt Ryan is 0-1 at home in the playoffs.

Dallas Cowboys receiver Jesse Holley will make a key play down the stretch and then spend 20 minutes with his arms raised to the sky, breaking Michael Irvin’s record of 18 minutes.

Tony Romo will prove his haters wrong by playing through an injury. Tony Romo’s haters will then criticize him for jeopardizing his career by playing through injury.

Post-NFL Week 1 Predictions

2011-09-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

Predictions made about the previous week’s NFL action based on the results of those games.

Week 1

Kyle Orton will do enough to keep his starting job with Denver, but not enough to quiet the people who would rather see his high-profile backup taking the snaps.

I’m referring, of course, to Brady Quinn.

Cam Newton will show people why he was the Heisman Trophy winner and the No. 1 overall pick. He will also remind people that he is still a rookie.

No matter who wins the Jets-Cowboys game, the winning team’s fans will read too much into the victory and the losing team’s fans will not read enough into the loss.

Tony Romo will again prove that he is not, as of yet, an elite quarterback.

The anti-Eli Manning calls will get a wee bit louder.

Since the NFL instituted the Thursday Night Season Opener in 2002, only twice have both teams in the contest reached the playoffs (2002 and 2004). On three occasions neither squad made the playoffs (2003, 2006 and 2009). Four times saw just one team reach the playoffs. Last season the Vikings fell to New Orleans in the Thursday Night Season Opener and finished 6-10. This year’s Thursday Night Season Opener will be close; the loser will not reach the playoffs.

Thursday Night Openers
2010: NO 14 – Min 9 (NO made playoffs)
2009: Pit 13 – Ten 10 (neither made playoffs)
2008: NYG 16 – Was 7 (NYG made playoffs)
2007: Ind 41 – NO 10 (Ind made playoffs)
2006: Pit 28 – Mia 17 (neither made playoffs)
2005: NE 30 – Oak 20 (NE made playoffs)
2004: NE 27 – Ind 24 (both made playoffs)
2003: Was 16 – NYJ 13 (neither made playoffs)
2002: SF 16 – NYG 13 (both made playoffs)

The Bears will remind people that they, in fact, won the NFC North last season, and it is theirs until it is taken from their cold, dead hands.

The Detroit Lions will defeat Tampa Bay in the battle of: team that will come close to a playoff berth but ultimately fall short (previously known as the Houston Texans).

The Texans are in more of a desperation mode than the Peyton-less Colts. Their game against Indianapolis is a must-win game for Houston, which will rise to the occasion to keep Coach Kubiak off the hot seat, at least for now.

Cleveland and Cincinnati will still play their game, even though nobody outside of Ohio cares.

Michael Vick and the Eagles won’t be perfect but they will beat the Rams. St. Louis will show that it’s not quite ready to play with the big boys.

Jim Harbaugh will again lead an upset over Pete Carroll’s team. Ted Ginn Jr. will electrify with his return abilities. Ted Ginn Jr. won’t see the light of day as a wide receiver.

Baltimore will open up its offense against Pittsburgh. The game will feature an NFL-record 20 first-quarter fights.

Tom Brady and the Patriots will do most of their damage against the Dolphins through the air, with enough running to keep Miami’s defense honest. But the Patriots’ defense will make Chad Henne look like a Pro Bowl quarterback to the point where during Broncos-Raiders, Denver fans will start chanting Henne’s name.

The Chiefs will provide evidence that last season was a one-hit wonder.

The Raiders will continue to be dysfunctional, undisciplined, wild and kind of fun to watch. They are the guilty pleasure of the NFL.

Donovan McNabb will make Minnesota fans miss the days of Tavaris Jackson.

Tavaris Jackson will make Seattle fans miss the days of Matt Hasselbeck

Matt Hasselbeck will make Tennessee fans miss the days of Kerry Collins.

Kerry Collins will, well, you know.

Lions and Cards and Bills, Oh My!

2011-08-22T20:28:00.000-07:00

I like the NFL commercial where the Detroit Lions fan keeps purchasing items for his daughter with his Lions credit card so that he can win Lions-related prizes. I imagine his face when he gets his credit card bill and realizes the full ramifications of his stupidity.

Then I imagine his wife walks in. Seeing her husband's ashen face, she asks him, "What happened? Did the Lions use a first-round pick to get Terrell Pryor in the supplemental draft?" Wordlessly, he hands her the ridiculously-large bill. She takes one look at it, looks at her husband, looks again at the bill, then faints.

Flash forward two weeks later, the husband is in the house alone, wearing a Charles Rogers No. 80 jersey, the home is completely cleaned out as his wife has divorced him, and all he has left is the memory of being on Ford Field prior to a Lions game.

Who says the NFL stands for No Fun League? Not me!

Walk This Way

2011-08-21T20:16:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make.

No one ever expects something like this to happen to them, but when it does, we tend to make excuses. The usual suspects are: I wasn’t loved enough; they don’t understand me; they don’t listen to me; they don’t give me what I need. But all of these excuses are just that: excuses.

The truth is, I am loved plenty. I am given everything I need and want. I couldn’t ask for a better friend. This is my best friend, who gives me all the attention I need, who never criticizes me or points out my shortcomings, who is always ready to play and who goes out of the way to make me feel better when I am down in the dumps. But I betrayed that friendship.

I took another dog for a walk.

Twice.

The first time, I tried to tell myself that, "this is no big deal. We're just friends. This is what friends do." But the second time all I felt was guilt. I knew I was doing the wrong thing. But we were together, he was looking at me with those eyes, a leash was hanging on the wall next to me…sure, I used protection and brought a plastic bag, but I still knew I was cheating. I tried to rationalize that my dog doesn’t let me take him for walks, but that’s just a lie and I knew it. I tried to get the smell off me, but my dog knew. I could tell. He sniffed and sniffed me and I knew he smelled the other dog.

To his credit, he didn’t say anything. He pretends that it doesn’t bother him; that it was no big deal. But I know better. And I feel awful.

I wish I could go back and erase what I did but I know that’s impossible. So now we go on our walks and we play tug-of-war and we maintain this dance of “let’s see who can ignore the elephant in the room the longest,” even though both of us know the elephant is actually a 120-pound lab named Harley.

I think the worst part about this is that now I fantasize about walking them together.

What is wrong with me?!

OPO (Other People's Opinions)

2011-08-12T20:50:00.000-07:00

I am a bleeding heart liberal. I have never tried to hide my political beliefs; I would say that many people feel that I am too open with my opinions. Even in disagreement, I try to see the other side's point of view. In arguments, I attempt to keep an open mind and remember that although the other person's opinion differs from mine, it doesn't make said other person any less intelligent.

But after seeing reaction to recent events, I have to wonder if people haven't lost their minds. I know I am supposed to keep an open mind and not judge others for their opinions, but in this situation I just can't. When it comes to this hot topic, there is one - and only one - right answer. The fact that other people don't see it the way I do makes me nervous for the future of our country.

But facts are facts. And the fact is, Sarah Palin is hotter than Michelle Bachmann.

It's not even close. It's not even up for debate. The idea that people feel otherwise shows how bad of a shape our country is in. Not only are we obese, racist, prejudiced and stupid; we're also blind.

I Expose Obama's Nefarious Plan (To Win Re-Election)

2011-08-02T19:55:00.000-07:00

President Barack Obama is one crafty SOB.

Not many people are aware of this, but the president has already started his re-election campaign. Many pundits are claiming that his chances of winning in 2012 are bleak because of recent decisions he has made (or not made). These so called “pundits” are more “pun” than “dits,” because the joke is on them. Mr. Obama is not only setting himself up to remain in office, he is also planting the seeds for Democrats to take back the House of Representatives and increase their hold on the Senate. He is doing this under the auspices of “making mistakes” or “giving in to Republican/Tea Party wishes.” But these are carefully crafted strategies that Mr. Obama has put together that will ensure his re-election in 2012. President Barack Obama is indeed one crafty SOB.

During Obama’s three major policy creations, commentators, politicians and voters have criticized the President for not doing enough. Their argument was that he gave too much to the Republicans. He changed his mind to appease those in the middle, the so-called “independents.” He wanted too much bipartisanship. Instead of being a leader and just telling people what to do and how to do it, Obama brought in different opinions and tried to put together policies that truly fit America and its melting pot of people. Apparently, many were upset that he wanted to be President and not Dictator. Republicans, on the other hand, were gleeful that they were foiling Obama’s plan of making the country better.

But what the Republicans did not know is that they were playing right into Obama’s hands. Each time he came up against a Republican roadblock while creating policy, Obama gave a little (a lot) and got back a lot (a little). He was roundly criticized for his unwillingness to make a stand and fight harder for what he wanted. But this was all a part of his nefarious plan to remain in office. Obama gave up on the public option on his health care plan because he would rather have some form of universal health care coverage than none at all. He extended Bush’s tax cuts for two years to make sure that unemployment benefits continued. He again allowed Bush’s tax cuts to stay in place while giving in to Republican (Tea Party) demands that the government cut back on spending in order to raise the debt ceiling.

Each one of these situations has a common theme. Obama has policies he wants to put into place that he feels will make the country better. Republicans fight him on these policies, using key moments to make their stand (unemployment benefits in 2010 and debt ceiling in 2011, to name two). Obama is put between a rock and a hard place and decides to back down on his wishes so that the country survives. Pundits left and right cry out that he is weak and that he is not a leader.

But Obama knows better. He is setting up his campaign strategy to be one of, “I stood in the way of terrible Republican policies and made sure that America kept running. I tried to work with Republicans but they would not work with me. Republicans put their own interests ahead of the country, but not me.” His actions could move Democrats ahead of Republicans on the “we are trying to make America better” pedestal. Obama is taking the hits now because he is willing to sacrifice a small amount of pain to stay in office and put his fellow Democrats back in power.

In a rare moment of honesty from a politician, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell once said that “The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president.” So how can Republicans stop Obama’s dastardly plan to win re-election? Simply put, they must allow Obama to make all the policy changes he wants. Bush’s tax cuts? Gone. Public option health care? Signed, sealed and delivered. Republicans feel that Obama’s policies will ruin America; what better way to get him out of office than to let him shoot himself in the foot?

So you see, Obama’s re-election strategy is win-win. Either he uses Republican’s unwillingness to work with him as a way to get them out of office, or they let all is policies come to fruition as a way to show the American public that Obama is not good for America.

To paraphrase Messrs. Mike D, MCA and Ad-Rock, Obama’s crafty, and he’s just my type.

Racism To The Top

2011-06-22T16:48:00.000-07:00

John Galliano said he doesn't remember ever praising Hitler or saying "people like you (Jewish) would be dead," because he says he was drunk and drugged up beyond belief.

Galliano's defense of "it wasn't me, it was the drugs" reminds me of Dr. Richard Kimball's defense of "it wasn't me, it was the one-armed man," in that both are fictional.

His defense does shed light onto how far have we have come as a world when dealing with race issues. The way I look at it, nothing says progress more than the fact that Galliano would rather be perceived as an alcoholic, junkie degenerate than a racist.

Fifty years ago, he would have been an alcoholic, junkie degenerate AND a racist, and he would not mind at all that people perceived him that way. Now he wants us all to believe that he is absolutely NOT a racist, he just can't stay away from drugs or alcohol. In his mind, it is more socially acceptable to be an alcoholic junkie than a racist.

Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

His other reason for why he is not racist is that he is gay, so he "knows how it feels to be discriminated against." That is probably true, but being discriminated against does not stop people from discriminating against others. In fact, being discriminated against may actually lead people to discriminating against others. Like the child who was abused growing up to abuse his/her own kids.

I am reminded of an experience that I had in third grade. I was going to a new school in a new neighborhood, so I was understandably nervous. I didn't know anyone, no one knew me. I walked into class, looked around nervously, and a girl, let's call her Sally, said: “You can sit here next to me.”

It was incredibly nice of her. She certainly did not have to do that, but she welcomed me with open arms and made me feel like I wasn't the new kid. I repaid her kindness by doing the exact opposite to her.

See, I came to find out later that Sally was not one of the cool kids; she was one of the kids the cool kids picked on. I was also one of the kids the cool kids picked on. So when the cool kids made fun of her while I was with them, I of course joined in and teased her with the others. It didn't matter that they teased me as well. I wanted to make them think I was like them, not like her.

I believe my experience can be applied to groups as well. There is always a group that is discriminated against. In America, first it was the Native Americans, then African Americans (who face bigotry even today), then the Jews (ditto), then Irish, Italians and Polish, then Asians, now Muslims and Gays.

Just as I joined the cool kids in teasing Sally, so will discriminated groups discriminate against other discriminated groups.

I know a lot about this subject, because I am a member of the most discriminated group, the White American Males. We are the most discriminated group, in that we are not discriminated against. Which isn't fair at all - we deserve to be discriminated against just like everyone else!

But no, it's always about the blacks and the Jews, the two finalists in: "Who's Been Discriminated Against The Longest," (coming this Fall on FOX). Yet for some reason, many black people don't like Jewish people. Many Irish, Italians and Polish don't seem to like Jews either. And don't even get me started on how they feel about the Gays.

OK, you got me started.

I remember watching an episode of The Daily Show where they showed a clip of a black woman saying that she didn't think gays should have the right to get married, and she is certainly not alone in that thought. There are Irish, Italians, Polish and even Muslims who feel that way. Why would these groups, who themselves were discriminated against, who were told that they weren't good enough, who were not even treated like normal people, then turn around and treat others the way they were treated?

I guess they were doing to others what was done to them.

We have come a long way, though we have a long way to go. If any silver lining comes from Galliano's situation, it's that he does not want to be perceived as a racist. The baby steps we are taking as a nation and a world have brought us to a point where being a racist is thought to be worse than being an alcoholic junkie.

See? Progress!

Republican'ts

2011-06-16T12:16:00.000-07:00

I am a Democrat and a bleeding heart liberal, but it doesn't mean that I only toe the company line. There are a few things I agree with Republicans on.

For example, I also didn't think we should have committed troops to getting rid of a crazy, maniacal dictator who suppresses his people but whose country holds oil up the yin-yang.

And yet, we still sent forces into Iraq.

I know Republicans are really worked up about raising the debt ceiling, but I really don't care one way or the other. In my defense, at least I'm consistent. I also didn't care when Bush raised the debt ceiling seven times.

I guess raising the debt ceiling is like telling a joke over and over again. It's always funny the first seven times, but it loses its humor the eighth go-around.

I wonder if Republicans know that Ronald Reagan tripled the national debt, that Elder Bush doubled the national debt and that Younger Bush added four trillion to the national debt and raised the debt ceiling seven times. Good thing Republicans don't, because otherwise those three might be voted off Conservative Island.

Michele Bachmann scares me (not just because of her politics). She has the crazy eyes. I can't watch her on television for more than a few minutes (not just because of her politics). I feel her eyes watching me.

If I have learned anything from Barney Stinson, it's that we always should steer clear of women with the crazy eyes.

I Don't Like It

2011-05-18T12:09:00.000-07:00

I am fascinated by this couple in Israel who named their daughter "Like." I don't like it, but I'm fascinated by it. The joke I made on Facebook (where the idea to name the girl "Like" came from), is that the first thing the kid did was to unfriend her parents.

I was joking, but no one can tell me that this kid is going to be happy with the name. First off, only celebrities are allowed to get away with giving their kids ridiculous names. Sure, the kids will have horrendous names, but they'll be rich.

Secondly, what are the parents going to say when the child asks them why they named her "Like"? Let's go through that conversation:

Like: Mommy, where did I get my name from?
Like's Mom: Well honey, as you know, your father and I spend 99.9 percent of our waking hours on our computers, so we knew that our children's names would have something to do with our love for the internet. Your father wanted to name you "Waiverwire" and I originally wanted to call you either "Onlinediscount" or "Freeshipping," but in the end we decided that since we both love going on this website called Facebook, your name should have something to do with that. Facebook has a feature called the "Like" button, and that's where your name came from.
Like: But why can't I have a normal name, like all my other friends?
Like's Mom: Well honey because you are special. Your brother Retweet doesn't have a problem with his name.

It's one thing to name your child "Like," which is what will be, like, coming out of her mouth like every other word, but it's quite another thing to name your child "Like" because of a feature on Facebook. Really? Facebook? I hope and pray that when your child does ask you where she got her name, that you lie and tell her it's because you like everyone and you knew everyone would like her. Otherwise, she will very likely be supporting some therapist's family when she's older.

I don't think anyone would like that. Except, of course, the therapist.

A Dictator By Many Other Names

2011-03-23T08:10:00.000-07:00

People think it's weird that the Libyan leader has multiple spellings of his name, but I say it's genius. When he gets captured, he'll say "you've got the wrong guy! you're looking for Gadhafi - I'm Gaddafi. That other guy is a real douche." Then if he gets caught again, he'll say "I'm not Gadhafi, I'm Khaddafi! Who told you to look for Gadhafi? Oh man, that Gaddafi is such a prankster. You're actually looking for Qaddafi." Then cut to an American solidier eating a candy bar, and the voiceover says "not overthrowing a dictator for a while? Eat a Snickers!"

Gator Nation

2011-03-17T18:48:00.000-07:00

You can't tell me that it's not all about the Gators. Even the NCAA Selection Committee thinks the Gators are what America is watching. Thanks to the Gators' win tonight, they now face either UCLA or Michigan State on Saturday. UF beat UCLA twice en route to consecutive nat'l champs, in the finals in 2005-06 and in the Final Four in 2006-07. Florida lost to MSU in Billy D's first Finals appearance but won last year when the Spartans were ranked No. 2 in the nation.

If they happen to win their next game, the Gators could face BYU and Jimmer Fredette. Last year, BYU took down Florida in double overtime in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. Should they prove victorious in that contest, Florida could face Kansas State, which fell to the Gators earlier this season when KSU was ranked No. 6 in the country.

I know the NCAA Selection Committee likes to make pairings that create story lines, but all of that seems a bit much, unless it is as I claim, that it's all about the Gators!

The Loo(sers)

2011-03-03T19:14:00.000-08:00

Okay people. I know we have discussed this before, but apparently some of you weren't listening. Because I still see you making the same mistakes you made before, and there is no reason for that. We have been over this and over this, and I expect better from all of you.

I am speaking, of course, of public bathroom etiquette. Many people have written about the unwritten rules of public restrooms, which means that the rules are no longer unwritten, which means the must be followed!

Rule 1: Wash your hands, especially if you use the stall. I'm fairly certain that was never an unwritten rule. In fact, it shouldn't even have to be a rule. A) it's courteous and 2) it's just common-freaking-sense. This goes further than thinking your S doesn't stink - not washing your hands means you think your S isn't even S. If you are going No. 1, you should wash your hands as well, but if you don't, we will not look at you with the same level of disgust as when you don't wash your hands after using the stall.

Rule 2: If you are going No. 1 while in a stall, and you happen to have a little splatter, clean it up. Again, shouldn't even be a rule. A) it's courteous and 2) it's common-freaking-sense.

Rule 3: Flush. Fairly simple concept. Also shouldn't even be a rule, because A) it's courteous and 2) it's common-freaking-sense.

Rule 4: If possible, when using a urinal make sure you give yourself at least one urinal between you and anyone else using a urinal. If not possible, make sure you keep eyes either on the wall or looking into the urinal.

Rule 4(a): Rule 2 also applies when using a stall. Whenever possible, make sure one empty stall is between you and another stall-user. This applies to both men and women.

NOTE: My wife, who is a woman, assures me that this rule is more often than not followed by her sex.

Rule 5: There is never a reason to be on your cell phone while using urinal or stall. In fact, cell phones should never be used while at the urinal. The only time a cell phone can be used in a public restroom is if you are in a stall, and that is only for playing video games and/or using the internet.

You would think the use of a cell phone in a public restroom would never happen, but sadly, it does. Quite often, as it turns out. What possible conversation is so important that you can't tell the other person that you need to take a break? Do you tell the other person what you are doing? Why even take or make a phone call if you know that you have to use the bathroom shortly?

Rule 6: Use your hands to guide the stream while using a urinal. You might think that you can go "look ma, no hands" style, but I assure you, your aim isn't as good as you think it is.

Rule 7: Talking incessantly to other people in the restroom while using urinal or in stall is frowned upon. If you decide to disregard this rule, understand that the other person is allowed to answer in grunts and/or one-word sentences.

Rule 8: Make sure the paper towels you use to dry yourself are placed in the trash can. Not on the floor, not in the sink, not on the counter top - in the trash can. If you want to pretend your Michael Jordan and go with the fade-away shot, be prepared to meekly go and pick up the paper when it lands on the floor. I'm pretty sure your mother wouldn't even pick that up for you, and the cleaning staff is not your mother.

The other day, while in a fairly large public restroom, a man decided to use the urinal right next to me despite the fact that there were many open urinals all over the room, including on the opposite side of the wall. Then he proceeded to place his elbows on the top of the dividers to either side of his urinal, including the one inbetween the urinal where I was and his.

Rule 9: Break two rules at one time, you lose your public restroom privileges for a week.

A few days later, I walk into a public restroom and I hear someone talking. At first I think I am hearing something from outside, but then I realize that someone is in the stall, talking on his cell phone. As I am finishing my business at the urinal, the man comes out of the stall (still on the phone), and walks right out of the restroom. Doesn't flush, doesn't wash his hands and was talking on his phone.

Rule 10: Break three or more rules at one time, banned from public restrooms for the rest of your life, with the exception of port-a-potties, because they are disgusting already no matter what you do to (or in) them.

Importance Of Being Oscar

2011-03-01T20:02:00.000-08:00

In honor of the Oscars, here is a joke I came up with. All by myself. No writers or anything. Just me.

A comedian tweeted: "Difference btween men+woman during sex? Men=going to a party. Women=having a party at their house and worried about spills."

Amusing, right? But wait, that wasn't the joke. Here's what I sent him (the actual aforementioned joke):

Difference between men and women during sex? Men are happy just to be nominated. Women want the award.

Boom! Funny, clever, true and topical! Four-tool joke! The comedian who originally tweeted did not respond. Screw all of his followers who sent him not-as-funny jokes, because they caused him to miss the best one - mine!

Back to the Oscars! It's a big deal. Huge event. Not just for celebrities attending and the nominees, but also for those of us watching at home. Much more fun for the latter group, because we can make fun of everyone and everything that happens during the show!

I unfortunately missed half of the Oscars beause of work. But I give you a timeline of what I did from the time I left work until the end of the broadcast.

7:30pm: leave event. Not thrilled that I am going to have driven four hours to work for three. Especially since I'm missing the opening of the Oscars. Not that I am expecting a lot from Hathaway/Franco, but it could be a win-win for us viewers. Either it's a train wreck and fun to talk about, or it's funny and fun to talk about. Stupid work.

8:02: pass a cop car on side of the road. Speedometer says I'm going 76 (in a 65), GPS says I'm going 73. I decide to stick with GPS. Trying to figure out what I would say to cop if I get pulled over. "You see officer, ever since Watson dominated Jeopardy, I figure computers are taking over so I may as well listen to my GPS."

8:07: call parents, they are hosting an Oscar party. Mom is dumbfounded that the male A-list stars are all short. Her friend informs her proudly that George Clooney really is 6-2! I'm sure his mother is very proud. Well, at least someone's mother is proud.

8:24: pass another cop, this time don't even pretend to slow, as I have my "GPS told me I was going 73" arguement ready to go. slow down one minute later when I remember that a GPS sent Michael Scott and Dwight Shrute into a lake, and also my argument is ridiculous.

8:30: Oscars start. I am still at least an hour away. Now listening to Geektime. Not really sure why.

9:30: make it home in one piece. Hungry, so going to eat leftover fajitas. But my wife tells me James Franco is in a dress. Gotta check that out. That was mildly amusing - saw the Charlie Sheen joke coming a mile away. Still, it made me chuckle. That dude is insane. I hear Gaddafi thinks Sheen is a genius and is now suing Libya for 320 million. Maybe we could get Gaddafi to take over for Sheen on Two and a Half Men.

9:40: no surprise, Christian Bale wins Best Supporting Actor. Didn't see The Fighter, my wife went to see it with her folks without me, then proceeded to tell me over and over again how good it was. Bale gives a website a free plug, hears a few boos in the audience. So it's ok to promote the maker of whatever dress/tux you're wearing, but you can't give out a website? Seems a little double-standardy.

10:00: doing stuff for work, watching Oscars and listening to my wife at the same time. Who says men can't multitask? Wait, what did my wife just say? Backtracking in my head to figure it out. Crap, what were we just talking about? Hathaway just made a joke about her screw ups being a drinking game - wife is distracted by that. Saved!

10:30: don't understand how Christopher Nolan wasn't nominated for Best Director. I haven't seen Inception, but I've heard it's amazing, and it received Best Picture nomination. I would say the Oscars hates British people, but The King's Speech won damn near everything.

11:00: really like how the Oscars did the "those who are gone" segment. Instead of having those embarrassing moments where the former make-up artist whom no one has ever heard of gets very little in the way of applause while well-known actors who passed away are cheered, they have Celine Dion singing to ensure that no one claps until the whole montage is over. Genius move on the Academy's part, and long overdue.

11:30: Natalie Portman looks amazing. Wow. I thought she was great in Beautiful Girls, and she has only gotten better. Probably not going to see Black Swan - seems a little dark for my tastes. I don't get to see many movies, so when I do, I certainly don't want to be depressed. That would be a giant waste of the 100 dollars it costs per movie viewing. But back to Portman, if you just look at her face, she doesn't even look pregnant. Which makes me think that perhaps she is not as unhealthily skinny as some other Hollywood stars are.

Midnight: Oscars finally end. I think the Oscars is the Left Coast's revenge on the East Coast for every sporting event being based on East Coast time. For us, it's midnight. For them, it's 9:00 p.m. That's not fair. I don't care that the first slate of NFL games starts at 10:00 a.m. on a Sunday in California. King's Speech was the only movie I saw of the nominees, and it was amazing. Would have been cool if Inception won though. Might have been enough to convince my wife to see it with me.

Recap: Oscars are fun to watch, but exhausting because it ends so late. My wife feels that the day after the Super Bowl should be a national holiday, and I agree, but I think it should be the same for the Oscars. I'm pretty sure that's what all those people in Wisconsin are protesting.

Even More Museful Thoughtings

2011-02-24T20:01:00.000-08:00

Gadhafi blames Bin Laden for the revolution in Libya. I'll be honest, I never figured that when he kept talking about "foreign intelligence services," he was actually referring to al Qaeda. Does he think that somehow America will be on his side now? Like we're going go with the "enemy of my enemy is my friend" philosophy?
Ahmadinejad says Egyptians and Libyans are right to throw off their oppressors. He apparently doesn't feel the same way for Iranians. Does he think that we don't know he's oppressing is own people? Maybe he thinks we listen to what he says but don't know anything about what he does. I wonder if he's even heard of the internet.

I think the problem with both these guys are their yes-men. Although I'm not quite sure what other answer Gadhafi or Ahmadinejad would accept that would allow the yes-men to remain alive.

With all the craziness going on this week, unrest in the Midwest, lack of peace in the Middle East, NBA trades up the yin-yang, it's easy to confuse stories. For example, Libya just sent Gadhafi, a 2011 protected first round pick and 1 mil in cash to Iran for Ahmadinejad and the Tea Party traded Palin, Bachmann, Glenn Beck, two first-rounders and cash to the Republicans for Huckabee.

Wait, what are we talking about again?

For non-celebrities, such as myself, if someone follows us on twitter, are we required to follow them back? If it's not required, is it considered poor form not to follow them? If you do not follow someone who follows you, how long do they need follow you before dropping you because you were the jerk who didn't follow them back?

So far I have had three celebrities, well one celebrity and two Sports Illustrated writers, but for the purposes of this blog I will refer to them as celebrities, respond to my tweets. So I got that going for me. Which is nice. One thing I notice about twitter, celebrities are just as funny as the rest of us, in that more often than not they aren't really funny.

Which is kind of funny.

According to dictionary.com, one of the definitions of Factoid is: "something fictitious or unsubstantiated that is presented as fact, devised especially to gain publicity and accepted because of constant repetition."

What that means is that the word Factoid is itself a Factoid.

Which is also funny.

I should be a celebrity - I think I have just a high a percentage of funny to unfunny posts as anyone famous.

Douche And Doucher

2011-02-23T18:56:00.000-08:00

After watching part of LeBron's "Decision," I thought to myself, "man that is just about the douchiest thing that any player could do. He just broke up with his girlfriend of seven years, Cleveland, on national television. Nothing could ever top this monstrosity of douchiness."

Famous last words on my part, because we have a new Douche Challenger: Carmelo Anthony!!

Carmelo's wife, LaLa Vasquez, the former MTV veejay, allegedly wanted to move to LA or New York so that she could further her career. So Carmelo asked for a trade. I didn't agree with his request at the time - he was on a good team that just two years prior was in the Western Conference Finals. I can't think of any other reason why Carmelo would want to leave the Nuggets, so I'm going to go on the assumption that it was because of his wife. Which I think is ridiculous. I would never make a career move like that because of LaLa Vasquez. Mostly because my wife won't let me.

But Carmelo only wanted to go to only to teams in LA or New York. Which began a nine-month ordeal where Carmelo went through the motions during games, the team was in limbo, other players were involved in trade talk, until finally he got his wish and was sent to the Knicks.

So let's go to the tape.

LeBron's "Decision" was an awful stab in the back to Cleveland, a city that has faced its fair share of suffering. There is a certain art to leaving a team, and he basically decided to go modern and throw feces on canvas. Douchy? Undoubtedly.

Carmelo told the team to trade him but then tied their hands in terms of where they could trade him. Obviously they wanted to get fair market value for him, but there were only four teams in the markets Carmelo wanted to go to, and really only one team that he actually wanted to play for. He eventually got his wish after dragging Denver around, even at one point saying that he might sign an extension with the Nuggets. This ranks very high on the Douche meter.

The Douchey Winner? I'm going to have to go with...Carmelo! LeBron's "Decision," as douchey as it was, lasted one hour. Carmelo's jaunt down "trade-me alley" took nine months. Congratulations to the new Douche in town!

Now some may think that my vitriol towards LeBron/Carmelo has to do with their leaving their original team. Not so. I have no problem with either one of them going to a new team, for whatever reasons. My issue is that they aren't being honest with us.

Carmelo, every true man understands completely that when your wife wants something, you do your best to get it for her. Why not come out and say "listen, my wife wants to have an acting career, and to do that we need to be in either LA or New York." Sure, we'll all mock you derisively for doing whatever your wife tells you to, but that's only because it makes us feel better about our own lots in life - look at the big and powerful NBA star, doing what his wife tells him to do, just like I do what my wife tells me to do!

LeBron, everyone who has ever played a pickup game or has friends certainly understands why you would want to play with your good buddies Wade and Bosh. And certainly no one is disputing that Miami is more fun than Cleveland. So why not come out and say "hey, I've wanted to play with Wade and Bosh since the Olympics, we are all in the prime of our careers, I think we can compete for championships and have fun while doing it." Sure Cleveland will be angry with you, but you wouldn't have faced the backlash that you received from the rest of the NBA-loving world.

I guess what I'm saying is, just be honest with us. Tell us the real reason you're leaving. Don't jerk us around, tell us one thing and then the opposite thing the next day. We're not stupid, we're fans. Sports is a microcosm of life, and we see ourselves in some of the things athletes do. There's nothing wrong with being a regular guy and giving in to your wife's wishes. We all get wanting to play with your buddies in Miami. Just be straight with us.

Then perhaps I'll take you both out of the running for Douche Champion.

That is, until you demand your next trade.

How Do You Like Them Apples? Seriously, Eat An Apple.

2011-02-22T19:30:00.000-08:00

Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter have all taken shots at Michelle Obama lately. For breast feeding and food. Which makes me wonder which one of the four has a breast complex and which ones have an eating complex. You would think it would be easy to figure that out, but the answers may surprise you. And me. Actually I don't think I want to figure it out.

Michelle Obama has an initiative to try and get Americans to eat better. A noble cause, by anyone's estimation. But conservatives and right-wing pundits have decided that what Mrs. Obama is really trying to do is take over the country. She wants to tell everyone how to live their lives, how to raise their kids, she is going to make laws that dictate what we eat and how much we eat and who is she to tell us how to live our lives anyway.

That monster, how dare she.

The only problem is, that's not Michelle Obama's goal at all. Her goal is merely to get us to eat better, exercise more, get healthier. We get healthier, we cut down on hospital visits, we cut down on medical bills, we all save money.

But conservatives don't want us to believe that. They want us to believe that the president and his wife are trying to take over America. They like to deal in fear, giving the most ignorant among us their thoughts and opinions as though they were actual facts. They want people to believe that Michelle Obama is trying to tell them how to live their lives. All she wants is for people to lead healthy, happy lives.

Rush Limbaugh recently made it a point of saying that Mrs. Obama is not practicing what she preaches because she had ribs for dinner once. The fact that Limbaugh, who I think it is safe to say is four times the size of Mrs. Obama, is criticizing her eating habits is funny by itself. It shows that he really has no idea how to diet (if you couldn't tell that already by looking at him). Michelle Obama does not want people to cut out of their diet foods that aren't good for them. She has even said that ice cream is delicious and she doesn't want to give it up. All she is saying is that instead of seven straight days of McDonalds, break it up with a salad. She is saying let's teach our kids now how to maintain healthy, balanced diets. Enjoy the occasional ice cream, but don't make it a daily habit. Go to McDonald's or Burger King every once in a while, but make sure it's not an every day occurrence.

And to the Palins, Bachmanns, Coulters: what do you have against eating healthy? Note: Limbaugh was left out of that question for obvious reasons. Other than him, the other three are fairly thin. Are they all mad that they didn't have this idea first? Whatever the case, I really hope that people see these ridiculous comments for what they really are - ridiculous comments with no foundation in fact.

Chew on that, America.

The Return Of Museful Thoughtings

2011-02-18T21:15:00.000-08:00

The other day for no reason at all I was thinking about the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. I remembered how Goldilocks thought one porridge was too hot, the other too cold, two of the chairs were too big, one bed was too hard and one bed was too soft. Then it occurred to me that Goldilocks was a real pain in the ass.

Can you imagine dating Goldilocks? Nothing you do would ever be good enough. Your Valentine's Day plans would either be not romantic enough or way too sappy. You would either not make decisions enough or you would always get your own way. You don't listen to her or you never talk to her.

That sounds suspiciously like most women. I guess we're all dating Goldilocks. I wonder which bear I am.

Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann seem to love criticizing Michelle Obama no matter what she says or does. Their big issue seems to be that they don't want their government to tell people how to live their lives. I guess if either one of them gets elected to the White House (God forbid), they will be the substitute teachers of presidents. They won't teach us anything, they won't tell us to do anything, they'll just sit in the front of the class and make sure no one gets hurt.

Except that I'm pretty sure if either one of them gets elected to the White House (God forbid), they will go out of their way to tell us how to live our lives, which coincidentally will be the way they live their lives.

The other day at work I was going to the bathroom into the urinal. I finished up and walked to the sink to wash my hands. One of my co-workers immediately called me out for not flushing the urinal. Instead of just owning up to it, I started to go into some spiel about how the handle of a toilet is the germiest thing in a bathroom. Which was something someone had told me in high school. Except that what they had told me was that the handles of toilets in public restrooms were the cleanest part of the bathroom.

Note: according to the story I found online, the bathroom door handles and the toilet seat are the cleanest parts of the bathroom. So there you go.

Anyways, I started to make something up about how I always wash my hands after using the urinal but before flushing. Which meant I had to wash my hands and then flush. Which meant I would then have to wash my hands again. In the only smart move of the whole situation, I grabbed a paper towel and used that to flush the urinal. I could have saved five minutes of my life by simply saying, "you're right, I totally forgot to flush, that was dumb of me," but instead I went the scenic route, which, as always, takes a lot longer and is never scenic.

Three Wise Men

2011-02-10T12:17:00.000-08:00

In the last month or so, three men left posts they had held for between 20 and 30 years. Most people think these stories are unrelated, but not me. Here are my predictions for the next year:

Jerry Sloan will become president of Egypt. He will fix the country's economy by using the "Pick and Roll." Despite the fact that everyone understands the philosophy of the "Pick and Roll," no one quite gets how it works so effectively. But it does, time and time again.

Regis Philbin will take over as head coach of the Utah Jazz and will be flummoxed by the fact that everyone on the team is, in fact, already a millionaire. He will call a friend, who will convince him to bring in a lifeline in the way of an aging Chauncey Billups, but that doesn't work and he will be fired and replaced by Meredith Viera, who is also coaching the Lakers but nobody seems to mind.

Finally, coming soon to ABC: "Live with Kelly and Mubarak"! They will banter about life in the Big Apple, where you go for the best bagel and what is the best way to oppress a people for more than 30 years without being invaded by the world's superpowers!

Speaking of Mubarak, is that not the epitome of staying at the party for too long? I'll bet all of his friends knew that he and Egypt were about to break up, but Mubarak just wouldn't listen to reason. "No no, Egypt loves me and I love Egypt, nothing will ever come between us." He really believed it too. Must have been tough to be a friend of Mubarak and listen to him talk about how Egypt is taking lessons from a male tennis instructor, and how Egypt doesn't own a raquet but rents one from the instructor. But now that Egypt broke up with him, he can't handle it. Now he's blaming outside sources. It's not Egypt who is breaking up with me, it's "international pressures," and "I will not submit to any international pressures." I see the future for Mubarak and Egypt, and it has "restraining order" written all over it.

A Roethlisberger With Everything

2011-02-07T17:42:00.000-08:00

"I feel like I let the city of Pittsburgh down - the fans, my coaches, my teammates. It's not a good feeling." The words of Ben Roethlisberger after Superbowl XLV.

"I'd like to begin by expressing gratitude to the thorough investigation process in Georgia. The prosecutor's decision not to bring charges, I know without a doubt, is the right conclusion. I don't intend to discuss any details related to the events of Georgia. I'm happy to put this behind me and move forward. I'm truly sorry for the disappointment and negative attention I brought to my family, my teammates, coaches, the Rooneys and the NFL." The words of Ben Roethlisberger after the court in Georgia decided not to press charges.

After losing a football game, Big Ben apologized immediately. After (allegedly) assaulting a 20-year-old girl, Big Ben thanked the courts for not pressing charges before he apologized. Ben, you certainly "let the city of Pittsburgh down" - but how you played in Superbowl XLV was not a factor in that at all.

Someone brought up Michael Vick, and how I give him a pass but I don't do the same for Roethlisberger. I say - Michael Vick went to prison, served his time, paid his dues and is now trying to be a better person by working with the Humane Society and talking to inner-city kids. Roethlisberger's punishment was a six-game suspension that was reduced to four games. Vick also served a two-game suspension after signing his deal with the Eagles. Oh but Big Ben had to answer questions throughout the season from members of the media about what happened in Georgia. So that must have been really hard on him.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I do not like Roethlisberger. I like the Steelers, with the exception of him. I have a man-crush on Mike Tomlin. I think Troy Polamalu is awesome. Max Starks and Mike Pouncey are Gators. The organization, from the owner to the coaches to (most of) the players, are solid. But Roethlisberger is another matter. He always seemed arrogant. Riding his motorcycle without a helmet. The girl in Lake Tahoe. The girl in Georgia. All of those actions said "I'm better than everyone else," which didn't seem very Steeler-esque.

Maybe he was always this way, but we didn't really know about it because he went to Miami of Ohio. Even his early years with the Steelers, he was kind of in the background, allowing Cowher, Bettis, et al. to serve as the face of the franchise. My guess, however, is that he wasn't always that way, but the early success he and his team had went to his head. He started to think he was invincible, that he deserved to get everything and anything he wanted. He reached the top, then was knocked down because of his own actions. Now he is saying all the right things, but that won't mean much unless he does all the right things.

Big Ben has shown himself to be a giant d-bag. But then I read the words of someone who has been through worse than Roethlisberger:

"I hope to leave a legacy that kid scan look back on and say, 'ok here's a guy who rose to the top, fell dramatically and rose again. And despite everything that he went through he had the ability ot keep pressing forward, stay persistent and make the most out of a bad situation that he created.' The only thing I hope is that people give me the opportunity when they look back and say, 'ok here's a guy who made a mistake and bounced back from it.' I hope they give me the benefit of the doubt at the end of the day because God gave me a second chance, and I think everybody else should."

You know who said that? Michael Vick. And he's right. Everyone deserves a second chance, even giant d-bags like Roethlisberger. So here is your second chance Ben, not just from me but from every NFL fan everywhere. For our sake, for your sake - don't screw it up.

More Museful Thoughtings

2011-02-05T18:44:00.000-08:00

Watching Community from last week, I remember how much fun Dungeons and Dragons was.

Yes, I played. And I had fun. So suck it.

Earlier this week, Howard Stern talked about a poll in either the NY Daily News or the NY Post, and although I can't remember what the question in the poll was, there were three options, one being yes to the question, one being no to the question, the other "I Don't Know." Eight perent of the responders hit "I Don't Know." Howard thought it was ludicrous that people didn't know how they felt about this issue. I think a) it's nuts that "I Don't Know" was an answer, usually polls go with "I Don't Care" as the third option, and 2) if people don't know how they feel about a certain issue, why do they feel the need to even respond to the poll? What a monumental waste of time.

The fact that "Miley Cyrus Gets Tattoo No. 5" is news disturbs me.

I'm not sure who I am pulling for in Superbowl XLV. I am not a huge fan of Roethlisberger, even though he's a heck of a quarterback, but I like Mike Tomlin and the Steelers organization. And if the Steelers win, Big Ben will have as many Superbowl victories as Tom Brady. I like Brady more than I like Roethlisberger, despite Mr. Gisele's haircut.

I do like Rodgers and Charles Woodson (my favorite Heisman winner of all time) and the other Packers, and if the Packers win then Rodgers will have as many Superbowl victories as Brett Fav-ruh, who I always thought was kind of overrated as a quarterback. And also a bit of a douche. So if Rodgers is tied with Fav-ruh in Superbowl wins, that seems like as good a reason as any to pull for a team. So I guess I am rooting for the Packers.

We can all rest easy now, knowing who I am pulling for in Superbowl XLV. Go Pack Go!

Twittering Away My Soul

2011-02-04T20:43:00.000-08:00

I joined twitter the other day. Not really sure why. I think it's because Howard Stern said he was joining. I wish there was a much more involved reason for signing up, but I'm pretty sure that's about it. As I was in the process of signing up, I liked the idea of twitter - I could send tweets to famous people and they would read them and find them witty, funny and charming. Then we would become the best of friends.

Then I made the mistake of joining twitter. Yes, I have responded to tweets of famous people. I crafted witty, funny and charming tweets and sent them to said famous people. To this date, I have not received one single response from any of them. Ok, ego bruised.

I didn't know how people got followers on twitter, but I soon realized that by sending tweets to famous people, others see the tweets and realize how witty, funny and charming they are, and then follow you. In the first couple days, I picked up 11 followers! How exciting.

I now have four.

Apparently, twitterers follow and unfollow about as often as Lindsay Lohan goes in and out of rehab.

See? Witty, funny and charming.

So not only am I not best friends with any famous people, I also am losing followers faster than Mubarak. I mean, 11 followers isn't even a lot to begin with, but now I have four?! I'll admit, that stings a little.

But I am American, so I will not give up. I will still send tweets, I will still imagine that a famous person will see how witty, funny and charming I am, and I will still believe that at some point we will become the best of friends.

And if that doesn't work out, there's always Facebook.

Museful Thoughtings

2011-02-02T19:48:00.000-08:00

It must be really difficult to be a dog when it snows. My dog has the hardest time finding a place to do his business. He is used to grass and bushes and trees, but when it snows, all he has is white and cold. He gets very confused, going to places he usually uses, pauses like he's going to handle his business, looks up at me accusingly, like I did something to cause this white cold stuff, then keeps going to try and find a spot.

I feel a little guilty finding the whole ordeal hilarious.

He also is very sensitive after a haircut, especially in the caboosal area. Our theory is that once the hair is gone from that area, he feels wind hitting it, he feels cold hitting it, and it really bothers him. He has to do the butt-wipe walk constantly to try and make himself feel better.

I feel a little guilty finding the whole ordeal hilarious.

My dog has a great life. He is well taken care of and very loved. He is treated like a member of the family, which he is. So when something happens that makes me laugh, I feel a little guilty finding the whole ordeal hilarious, but then I think screw him, he is better taken care of than I am.

Musing On My Thoughts

2011-01-28T20:00:00.000-08:00

It bothers me to no end when people do not clean snow off their cars. I actually saw a car, fully covered by snow, driven by a man who looked to be in his 40s, and he did not seem embarrassed at all to show what a lazy douche he was. That infuriated me. I think that if I have to clean off my car, everyone has to clean theirs. Besides that, everyone does have to do it, because it's the damn law! It is a pain in the ass to clean off the cars, I fully understand that, probably more than many people because I actually clean off my car.

As I was throwing a ball to my dog, I was thinking about how happy he was to run after said ball, retrieve it and run back to me. For a minute I thought, man, this is why we are the superior race, because we don't do things like that. Then I thought, wait a minute, how is what my dog is doing any different from me throwing a football with my dad, running out for a pass and then throwing or running the ball right back to him? Then I thought of my dog's life, how he hangs out all day, sleeps when and where he wants, gets me to take him out no matter what the weather, and then I thought, damn, who's the superior in this situation?

West Wing is a tremendous show. As is Sports Night. Sports Night is still my favorite show of all-time. The ABC executives who thought that a laugh track was needed for SN obviously didn't understand Aaron Sorkin and his writing style. He doesn't need a laugh track. With all the sitcoms now that do not use laugh tracks (The Office, Community, Modern Family, etc.), I wonder if we can trace that back to Aaron Sorkin and Sports Night. As good as the show was, it became much better when the laugh track disappeared. West Wing also has hilarious moments, lines that make me laugh out loud, and it certainly didn't need a laugh track. I think a) American people are smart enough to know when they are supposed to laugh, and 2) isn't the laugh track kind of un-American, telling us we have to laugh at this particular moment? I think Tea Partiers are inherently against the laugh track. They are big fans of "I'll do it because I want to, not because you tell me to."

The King's Speech is an amazing movie. A must-see. I think it should win every Oscar it was nominated for. Of course, I haven't seen any of the other nominees, but that's besides the point. Go see The King's Speech. You won't be disappointed. No matter what Robin Quivers says.

Race to the Finish

2010-10-06T17:29:00.001-07:00

I was never a Rick Sanchez fan. To be honest though, I never watched his show. To be even more honest, I have never watched CNN. Although I visit its website pretty much daily. The only Rich Sanchez video I ever watched was through The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I was never impressed with the clips that I saw, but in Sanchez's defense, none of the clips from TDS painted him in a favorable light.

Although Sanchez seemed like a bit of a tool, he didn't seem like a total moron. That is, until he went on SIRIUS-XM Radio to do a show with Pete Dominick. There, he called Stewart a "bigot," said the people running CNN were just like Stewart and basically said that Jewish people were not an oppressed minority.

First things first - has no one learned anything from Mel Gibson? If you work in Hollywood/the Media, and you truly believe that Jewish people run Hollywood/the Media, why would you make unflattering remarks about Jewish people, i.e. your bosses? Gibson did that, and more, and basically ruined his career. Sanchez, it seems, has traveled in Mad Max's footsteps.

But the most interesting part of Sanchez's comments was when he proclaimed: "elite, Northeastern liberals...deep down, when they look at a guy like me, they see a guy automatically who belongs in the second tier, and not the top tier."

Sanchez's dislike of Jewish-Northeastern-Liberals-Who-Run-CNN stems from the fact that he can't believe that someone doesn't like him. He looks at Jon Stewart making fun of him on TDS, and he immediately assumes it's because he's Hispanic. He sees his low ratings (admittedly I have no idea what his ratings were, but since I never watched him, I'm going to assume they were low - my blog, my rules), and he thinks that people are not watching him because he's Hispanic. His bosses at CNN probably never gave him the backing he wanted because in his mind, you guessed it, he's Hispanic.

I was always a LeBron James fan. Not a die-hard fan, pulling for the Cavaliers just because he was on the team, but he always seemed likeable. He made funny commercials and he was an amazing player. I liked that he racked up assists even while scoring 20+ a game. So when I heard that he was going to have a show on ESPN where he was "interviewed" by Jim Gray, I, like many others, simply assumed he was signing with Cleveland again. Because, you know, who would stab a team in the back on national tv like that?

Apparently LeBron James would. Listen, I have no beef with him signing with the Heat. If he wants to play with two of his good friends, more power to them all. Does it take away a bit from thinking of LeBron as an Alpha-player? Of course. Even if the Heat win, it will be Dwyane Wade's team. When Kobe felt that the Lakers weren't doing enough to put a winning team around him, he told them get something going or trade me. The Lakers, thanks to Grizzlies' GM Chris Wallace, picked up Pau Gasol and the rest was history. Kobe was happy, he stuck around and got his championships.

In LeBron's case, he never made that ultimatum. The Cavs did what they thought was best to make a Championship team around him, bringing in Mo Williams, Shaq, Anthony Parker, Antwan Jamison, etc. Although it didn't work out, you could see the team was doing everything it could to make LeBron happy.

Then we came to "The Decision." The decision to do "The Decision" was possibly one of the worst decisions in the history of decision making. Whoever was advising LeBron, Maverick Carter or whoever, did not seem to realize that going with another team after an hour long "interview" was akin to breaking up with your girlfriend on national tv. Perhaps LeBron and his advisors have never had to break up with someone, or had someone break up with them. Regardless, there is a certain method to how an athlete should leave a team. You have a press conference, you say very nice things about the former team, how much you loved playing in the city of former team, how hard the decision was to leave former team, but in the end this was best for you and your family. Blah Blah Blah. It's the "it's not you, it's me" speech for athletes.

LeBron didn't do that. LeBron decided to break up with Cleveland on national tv. He broke up with Cleveland for a younger, hotter team. It was a debacle. LeBron and his advisors probably knew that Cleveland fans would be upset, but they probably didn't take into account that all the other fans would be upset. Howard Stern can say what he wants about how LeBron didn't owe Cleveland anything, but Stern doesn't get it. Cleveland fans were angry he left, certainly, but they were more angry as to how he left. The rest of the fans were just angry with how he left. It was a douche-move.

So how does this apply to the Rick Sanchez situation? Recently, LeBron and Maverick Carter went on CNN. Not Rick Sanchez's show. That might have brought Sanchez ratings. Soledad O'Brien asked LeBron if race played a role in people's reaction to "The Decision." Lebron said, "I think so at times. It's always, you know, a factor." ESPN's J.A. Adande wrote a column about LeBron and race and basically said that because the NBA had predominantly black players on teams owned by predominantly white owners, race would be a factor.

Here is where Sanchez, LeBron and Adande all fall into the same trap. Race is not always a factor. Just because there are different races involved in any given situation does not necessarily mean race was a factor. Just because most of the players are black and most of the owners are white doesn't mean race is a factor. All of the WNBA players are women and most of the WNBA owners are men - does that mean sexism is always a factor? Of course not. Jon Stewart and the writers of TDS criticized and poked fun of Rick Sanchez because they were not impressed with the work he did. His race had nothing to do with it. LeBron was criticized and poked fun of because his decision to do "The Decision" was a horrible decision and he came across like a jerk.

Both situations remind me of the banter between Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson in Die Hard: With A Vengance. Willis' John McClane accuses Jackson's Zeus of not liking him because he's white. Zeus retorts, "I don't like you because you're gonna get me killed."

Sanchez, James and Adande are not going to get us killed. But they don't seem to grasp the idea that it's ok to not like someone regardless of what race they are, and that is killing us.

Aussie Rules Television

2010-09-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

If there was a television show with an Australian surrounded by Americans, would the world end? Would our minds be blown? That must be the case, because everytime an Australian actor does an American television show, that actor uses an American accent.

Would it really change the story if Simon Baker was Australian, in any of the many TV shows he has been in, including the phenomenal The Mentalist?

What if Alex O'Loughlin was an Australian working with Hawaiian police in Hawaii in Hawaii-50? Would we turn away from the show? Do we hate Australians? I didn't get that memo.

While we're on the subject, why is CBS so obsessed with Alex O'Loughlin? I watched Hawaii-50, and I enjoyed it. I will continue to watch it. But I don't really see what is so great about Alex O'Loughlin. Sure, I can admit he's a good looking guy, but the show is good primarily because of Scott Caan. Caan is absolutely hilarious - steals every scene. O'Loughlin is ok, but you could replace him with any number of actors and the show would be the same. Take away Caan, and the show is not nearly as good.

Plus, the only reason I wanted to watch the show in the first place was because of Daniel Dae Kim. I wonder when Sun is going to re-join him on the island?

I'm getting sidetracked - the point is, what would be the problem with having an Australian actor use an Australian accent while in an American television show? Does Hollywood believe that there are no Australians in America, working and living while still talking about putting their shrimps on the barbi? I'll admit, I don't hear the Australian accent every day, but I would assume there are some Aussies here in the States.

I just think there is a major anti-Australian attidude in Hollywood, and it has to end. The only time Hugh Jackman ever was able to use his real accent was when he was in the movie Australia. But fellow Aussie Nicole Kidman had to use a British accent. In a movie about Australia, called Australia, an Australian had to use a British accent.

Hollywood, that's just hurtful. Crocodile Dundee did not show us what a real knife is so that we could turn around and use that knife to cut his accent away from him.

Although, Mel Gibson is Australian. He hates Hollywood. Even badmouthed Hollywood a bit. Then he badmouthed every race and religion he could. Maybe Hollywood is taking its revenge on all Australians. Isn't the fact that Gibson's career is over enough?

Lifetime TV Movies

2010-09-22T17:45:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how much better TV shows are than movies. It is also amazing ho wmuch better cable TV shows are than network TV shows. Using the transitive property, that means that x=3. Or something. I didn't really pay attention in match class.

Movies are ridiculously expensive, and there is never a guarantee that a) they will be good or 2) you will enjoy them. But if you don't enjoy them or they suck, you won't get your money back. The popcorn ALWAYS sucks, and yet it costs $20 for a small bowl. And the drinks...basically a giant cup of ice with a splash of soda. For $10. Does anyone else think that is ridiculous? Apparently not, because the line for snacks at a movie theater is always long.

Anyways, back to the point. Movies are not very good these days. And they are expensive. And if you wait just a few months, you can have Netflix send you the movie. Do you realize that the monthly cost of Netflix is basically the same as a ticket/snacks for one to a single movie? Why wouldn't you wait those few months for the movie to come to DVD? You can watch it like you watch your TV shows, with better popcorn, cheaper soda, in the comfort of your own home, while in your underwear. What, just me?

Movies in the theater used to be a weekly or bi-weekly occurence, but no longer. They are too expensive and too many of them are horrible. Now, we need hard proof that the movie will be good before we shell out our hard-earned cash to see it. We need to know the movie is good in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the sub-cockle area, maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon. Which usually means we need a friend to play the role of guinea pig and see the movie and give us their scouting report.

But even if Mel Kiper Jr.'s hair tells you that a movie is a can't-miss prospect, outside of going on a date (unless you're me, who goes to the dollar theater to see Ransom), or a movie that everyone talks about so you have to see it to feel a part of the human race (like Avatar), there is no point to seeing a movie in the theater. None. At all. Besides all the reasons listed above, these days, TV shows are just plain better. Better scripts, better acting, better plots, better everything. TV shows can actually play out a story line and not gloss it over because they only have 90 minutes to get the entire story in. TV shows can get you to fall in love with multiple characters, not just the one or two big names. When you watch a movie, generally speaking, you leave saying you really liked [insert actor's real name] and [insert other actor's real name] did a great job, but when you watch a TV show, you talk about what Sawyer and Kate and John Locke and Hurley and Jack all did in the last episode.

Granted, there are plenty of duds when it comes to TV. But the great thing about the duds - you didn't pay specifically for them. You watch an episode of some new show and it stinks, no skin off your back, you just won't watch that episode again and your tivo will thank you. But you go to see a movie and it stinks, you ain't getting that $12 back.

Network television obviously have their shows, and they market the heck out of them. But you know where you can find the highest percentage of winners? Cable television. After Tony Shaloub and Monk became popular, being a big name actor on a cable television show no longer was uncool. Although Monk's run came to an end, USA Network now has White Collar, Psych, Royal Pains, Covert Affairs, Burn Notice and In Plain Sight. NBC even sent Law and Order, Criminal Intent to USA. TNT has Leverage, Rizzoli and Isles, The Closer, Dark Blue, Hawthorne and Men Of A Certain Age, among others.

Why does cable have a higher percentage of winners than network channels? For one thing, the expectations are much lower. A cable show doesn't have to pull in 14 million viewers an episode to be successful. One would think that cable channels were just the network channels with beer goggles, going after any crappy tv show to put on their air because it was past midnight and you felt lonely. But that is not the case.

Cable channels, again, thanks to Tony Shaloub and Monk, go after big stars and put great casts around them with great writers and producers, probably good grip people as well (whatever that job means) and more often than not, they make great television. Because it's cable and the only thing on other than original shows is grown men in spandex pretending to hate each other while actually hitting each other in the back of the head with metal chairs, the channels can then replay the bejeezus out of their original shows, giving We The Viewers multiple chances to watch and/or tivo said shows. They don't worry about competing with the big boys and girls on network tv. They say "hey, you can go watch their show during primetime, but we'll leave the light on and the door open when you come back home at 1:00 a.m."

I think the growth of the cable shows has made the network channels stand up and take notice. I feel like even the network TV shows have become much better. Which makes it much easier for us to say "I don't want to go out to a movie tonight, let's stay home, make some popcorn, grab some sodas, and what all the shows we have on tivo."

Like college football, I would assume that the movie-television battle is all cyclical, and that eventually movie companies will start putting together a higher percentage of better movies. Even if they do that, though, for them to start bringing in higher crowds, it might be time to lower the prices. Theaters are no longer the place to go on a Friday or Saturday night. For one, most people have a big screen tv with HD, or at least know someone who do, so watching TV or a Netflix movie is just as much fun as going out.

Especially since home means better popcorn, cheaper drinks, and underwear.

None of you? Seriously?

2010-09-16T20:02:00.000-07:00

While sitting at lunch, a fellow A's fan and I became involved ina conversation about the upcoming Moneyball movie. For those of you who don't know, Moneyball is a phenomenal book by a phenomenal writer, Michael Lewis. It's the inside story about the Oakland Athletics, how the team is run under general manager Billy Beane, what type of players they look for, the relationships between management and manager(s), etc. It's an amazing book not only for A's fans, but also for baseball fans and people who think baseball is one of the most boring sports in the world, so pretty much 99.9 percent of Earth's population.

Regardless, while discussing who is going to be in the movie (A's assistant GM Paul DePodesta has been renamed to Peter Brand and will be played by Jonah Hill? Really!?), it reminded me of the A's under Art Howe (who will be played by Philip Seymor Hoffman), and how they had the Yankees on the ropes, holding a 2-0 lead in 2001, needing only one more win to advance to the ALCS.

The year was 2001. I had just graduated. I was working for the A's in kind of an internship situation, helping out with the radio broadcasts. They were nice enough to allow me to work at the ballpark on Oct. 13, when a young A's pitcher by the name of Barry Zito was about to go up against Mike Mussina and the Yankees. The A's had won games one and two at Yankees Stadium, 5-3 and 2-0, and needed just one win to knock off the hated Bronx Bombers. The next two games were at home. Oaktown Mojo was about to knock off New York, New York.

To say the game was a nail-biter is an understatement. The two pitchers combined for five 1-2-3 innings in the first four frames. In the bottom of the fourth, the A's put two on with one out, but Mussina induced groundouts by Eric Chavez and Jeremy Giambi to end the threat. (Remember the name Jeremy Giambi - 1) because I can't forget his name, and b) because he plays an integral part in this story.)

Know that I am not bitter about what happened.

In the top of the fifth, Yankees catcher Jorge Posada, who always seemed to get big hits against the A's, homered with one out to give NY a 1-0 lead. Mussina recorded 1-2-3 innings in the fifth and sixth, and then came the bottom of the seventh.

Mussina opened the seventh with two quick outs, as Jermaine Dye popped out and Chavez flew out. Jeremy Giambi ended the A's hitless streak with a single to right. Terrence Long, affectionately known as T-Long, sent a shot down the right field line.

Now, Jeremy Giambi is not what you would call fleet of foot. At the time, in fact, he was quite slow. Probably still is. I'm not bitter.

So Giambi is chugging around the bases. Since there are two outs, and Mussina hasn't given the A's many chances, third base coach Ron Washington waves Giambi around third. Shane Spencer, rightfielder for the Yankees, corrals the ball and sends it towards the infield. It had NO chance of getting home, even with Mr. Molasses on the bases. Derek Jeter, in one of his many ridiculously heads up plays, runs to cut the ball off and flips it towards home. The ball, and Giambi, get there right at the same time. Posada catches the ball and swings his glove around, hitting Giambi on the back of his leg as that same leg is stepping on the plate. Needless to say, the umpire calls Giambi out.

Say what you want about the call (I still maintain he was safe), why in God's name wouldn't Giambi slide in that situation?! What could he possibly be thinking as he nears home? One would imagine that he is paying attention to the ball, that he knows where it is, that he can tell the play will be close, so WHY WOULDN'T HE SLIDE IN THAT SITUATION!!! If you are a professional baseball player, you know how to slide and you know WHEN to slide. On a play like that, if it's going to be close, how do you not slide? You know that one way or another, the umpire is going to make a decision that will determine the outcome of the game, so why wouldn't you want to make it easier for Blue to decide in your favor?

Still not bitter.

Mariano then comes in for the two-inning save, gives up only two hits but eventually gets Jeremy Giambi (him again!) to ground out to end the game, cutting the A's lead in the series to 2-1. The next day, pitcher Cory Lidle gets bombed, Jermaine Dye shatters his ankle, A's lose game five, lose the series and lose Johnny Damon and Jason Giambi to bigger market teams.

Here's the kicker to the story. Opening Day, 2002 season, A's vs. Rangers at Oakland Coliseum. Jeremy Giambi is now the leadoff hitter, because the A's love guys who can walk (because Lord knows, Giambi can't run). In my memory, it was his first at-bat of the game, but in reality it was in the third inning. He leads off the frame with a single. Frank Menechino doubles, and Giambi comes all the way around the bases. There was no throw to home, no play at the plate, but Giambi SLIDES HOME ANYWAY. The crowd goes crazy, Giambi jumps up and pumps his fist, everyone's happy.

Except me.

Where was this in game three of the Division Series? Did he use the offseason to learn how to slide? We knew he knew HOW to slide, we just never saw any examples that he knew WHEN to slide. Sliding on Opening Day when there is no play at the plate? Yawn. Not sliding when your team leads the five-game series 2-0 but is trailing game 3 1-0 and this might be the last chance to score?

Ok, now I'm a little bitter.

2010-04-07T18:23:00.000-07:00

I realized what was great about our country today. I was listening to the Howard Stern Show, and he had on Glenn Miller, a nut-case from Missouri who is running for Senator. Miller is the first person to (openly) run on the "Anti-Jew" platform. From what little I listened to the interview before I had to leave my car, Miller believes that Jews control America, and he wants to get into the Senate to try to help America get free of its Jewish Burden. On a side note, he is also not a fan of blacks, hispanics or gays, but the Jews, in his opinion, are the worst.

Glenn Miller and I agree on nothing. He is a racist, sexist, homophobic whack job who takes as gospel the word of Louis Farrakhan (gulp) and Pat Buchanan (double gulp). When Howard asked him about his anti-Jewish stance, Miller used Buchanan and Farrakhan was a way to make his ideas sound not-crazy, as in, "well Buchanan believes this and Farrakhan does as well so obviously that gives my thoughts credence." The fact that Buchanan and Farrakhan are universally laughed at and thought of as nutcases themselves apparently does not occur to Miller.

But here is what is great about our country - Miller has every right to speak his mind, as crazy as he sounds. (Although crazier still - and sadder still - is the thought that there are people out there who agree with him.)

Ignoring that, our country allows people like Miller to say what they want to say, to run for government if they wish, to go on national radio shows and tell us how they feel about things without fear of going to jail. And to give credit to Stern, he treated Miller like he would any other guest, asking questions and not trying to argue with him about his crazy ideas. It was obvious that Howard did not agree with Mr. Crazy Man, but he also recognized that an argument would not make for good radio - letting Miller spout his wacky thoughts was much funnier.

There is a Facebook page for "Making It Illegal To Protest Army Funerals." Apparently an extremist right-wing "Church" (I put "Church" in quotations because I refuse to believe any true Church would be as hateful as this group is) protested the funeral of an Army soldier with signs that basically said our brave men and women were dying in a war that was brought onto America because our country allows gay people to live here.

Again, ignoring the craziness of their opinions (and the sadness that there are people who actually buy into this crap), what makes America beautiful is that these people are allowed to protest at a funeral. Whether or not they see the irony that they were protesting the death of a soldier who was fighting for their ability to protest his death, I do not know. I am guessing not. The father of this soldier sued the protesters for emotional pain, and the judge ruled in the "Church's" favor.

Does that suck? Of course it does. Do I agree with the judge's decision? Of course I do. People have every right to protest whatever they want. His own son went to fight a war so that these whack-jobs could protest whatever they want. (Another argument for another day - whether or not fighting in a war halfway across the world actually does protect our freedoms. I say not.)

But the people who became fans of this page on Facebook, and the father of this soldier, are missing the point. Being American means accepting different opinions, religious, sexual orientations, races, no matter how much they differ from our own. Living in America gives us the right to express our opinions, no matter how crazy. If we start making it illegal to protest, we lose what makes us Americans.

Freedom of Speech is a great power, but with great power comes great responsibility, and most people aren't mature or smart or informed enough to handle that responsibility.

For example, I have a blog.

Jose Can't See

2009-06-18T08:58:00.000-07:00

I just read in my USA Today that Jose Canseco plans to file a class-action lawsuit against Major League Baseball and the players' association, because apparently he feels he has been ostracized for going public with tales of steroids use in the sport. He's going to enlist the help of Sammy Sosa and Rafael Palmeiro to go after "lost wages."

Here is is reasoning:

"Because I used steroids and I came out with a book, I was kicked out of the game, but I have not beein inducted into the Hall of Fame."

Ok, Jose, couple things: First off, you were never getting into the Hall of Fame. Ever. That just wasn't going to happen for you. Your career average is .266. You hit a lot of home runs, 462, but you're only 32nd on the all-time home runs list. Fred McGriff is No. 26, he's not in the HOF. Palmeiro is No. 10, he's not in. Sammy Sosa is in sixth-place and after the recent news that he is one of the 103 players who tested positive for performance enhancers in 2003 has led some HOF voters to label him a question mark. Heck, your former teammate Mark McGuire is in 10th-place on the home run list and he received less than 25-percent of the vote in his first shot at the Hall. But with all that said, baseball is not shunning you because of steroids. When I look at your all-time stats, my guess is that you were never going to get in to the HOF. Maybe if there was a "Hall Of The Very Good," then we could talk.

Secondly, you made your bed, time to sleep in it. You wanted money, so you decided to come out with a book that really started this whole steroid mess. Because of your book, baseball could no longer sweep steroids under the rug or beneath the bed - suddenly both MLB and the players' union had to sit up and act like they were concerned. You have been proven right more often than not, and for that I thank you. I think what you did was good for baseball. You turned the spotlight on an ugly part of the game. The problem is, you are also in that spotlight. If voters were on the fence about you before you admitted steroids, they certainly were not going to vote for you afterwards. Heck, Barry Bonds is baseball's home run king, he was a Hall of Fame player before someone replaced his head with a water melon, it has never actually been proven that he used steroids, and yet he is not a sure-fire first ballot Hall of Famer.

So Jose, it's time to go away now. You hit the lottery with the first book, because suddenly there was a voice from the inside of the game telling us what we really already knew. You thought about writing a second book. You took up mixed martial arts. You are doing everything you can to remain in the spotlight, but it's time to call the fight.

Thank you again for what you did for baseball, but don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Weekend Recap

2007-04-30T08:39:00.000-07:00

Thoughts from the weekend, in no particular order...

Brady Quinn was drafted where he should have been drafted, if Cleveland hadn't traded up KC would have taken him at 23. But I predict he will stink as a pro. I just don't see him doing well. Not just stat-wise, I just see him as a guy who doesn't have "it." Whatever "it" is, he don't got it. Everytime Quinn played a really good team, a team that will have a lot of players drafted into the NFL (i.e. Michigan, USC, LSU, etc)...his team got smoked, and he wasn't great.

Let's look at Notre Dame's schedule...three losses, to Michigan, USC, and LSU. Average margin of defeat: 24.3 points. Brady Quinn's average against those three teams: 20 for 43, 219 yards, 3 TDs, 2 INTs...not awful numbers, but definitely not top 5 or top 10 pick numbers. Cleveland getting him at 22 is perfect for Quinn, because now he plays for his hometown team, with the pressure of the 22nd overall pick instead of the 3rd. And he has Joe Thomas protecting his blindside. That said, I just don't see him becoming a good NFL qb.

What the hell was Miami thinking with Ted Ginn Jr at #9?! I mean, fine, you don't like Brady Quinn, I have no problem with that. But to draft Ginn Jr at 9? A guy who is still rehabbing the left foot sprain he suffered during the BCS Championship? If that's the guy you want, why not trade down? Why not pick up some more draft picks, then get your guy Ginn later in the first round? Maybe they tried to, but I haven't read anything to prove that. Bad job by Miami.

Yankees are in the hurt box. 9-14?! These are not your father's yankees....or maybe they are. They did struggle during the early 90s. So maybe it's better to say these are not your older brother's yankees. Or your older sister. Or your uncle who's younger than your parents. Or aunt, for that matter.

Whatever relation it is for you, these Yankees are struggling...and the Red Sox look awesome. Josh Beckett with 5 wins, Schilling and Matsuzaka both with 3, Papelbon looking solid as the Closer, and the bullpen doing a good job getting to Papelbon. And the offense is, well, the Red Sox offense. Big Papi, Manny being Manny, plus JD Drew, Julio Lugo, Mike Lowell, Coco Crisp, et. al....like a fantasy team! Barring injuries, Red Sox will be in the playoffs...

Warriors up 3-1 over the Mavericks. Don Nelson is a genius. Mullin and Higgins have put together the perfect team for Nellie, and Baron Davis is playing like the leader Golden State wanted when they traded for him. I don't think they will close out in 5 or 6, I think this series will go to a seventh game, but as a Warriors fan who didn't have faith in the team or the coach or the front office, I am officially eating my words. Great pickup of Matt Barnes, who hit a huge three pointer late in the game last night. Great trade to get Stephen Jackson and Al Harrington, perfect for Nelly's system. Got to hand it to Jackson, even with his baggage, he has playoff experience, and if he can keep his emotions in check and his head screwed on straight, he can be devastating.

The Warriors were pretty much the worst team to get the 8 seed from the Mavericks opinion. GS is led by a coach who knows all the Mavericks players inside and out, they always play the Mavericks tough (GS won 6 of 7 against the Mavericks the last two years before the playoffs), and right now the Warriors shots are all falling for them. I expect this series to go 7, and then the Mavericks will pull it out in a hotly contested game.

Not surprised Bulls swept the Heat, not surprised Suns are up 3-1 on the Lakers, and certainly not surprised that Cleveland is up 3-0 on the Gilbert-less Wizards. I think Houston pulls away and wins the series against Utah 4-2, I don't think Denver wins another game against the Spurs, and I think the Raptors win game 5 at home before falling to the Nets in game 6.

A Letter to Cho Seung Hui

2007-04-17T09:03:00.000-07:00

Dear sir:

Mr. Cho Seung Hui, you suck. You are a scumbag. An awful person. A pathetic excuse for a human being. Because you got upset over a girl, you ended the lives of 32 people. Because of a girl. Am I missing something? Was this Helen of Troy that got you all hot and bothered? I gotta say, I've been turned down by my fair share of girls, and I never once thought to myself "you know what would be a good idea - shooting random people for no apparent reason."

Earth to crazy guy, we've all been down that road. Did you think that you were the only one that's felt crappy because you were rejected? Poor, sad you, this girl didn't return your affection, wah wah wah. Every single man and woman has been rejected by someone else. It happens. And it sucks when it happens. But you know what us real human beings do? We move on. We laugh about it with our friends. We find someone else. There is no one who should be that damn important that you would want to kill all those people for. Grow up, and grow a pair.

I'm guessing that you couldn't even name 30 of those people. I'm guessing you had no idea who any of those people were. Sure maybe you had seen them around campus, but did you actually know them? Did you actually have a reason for killing them? For example, did you know that the R.A. you killed (after you shot the girl who apparently ruined your life) was a 23-year old, majoring in English, Biology, and Psychology, with a 4.0 GPA? A guy who everyone loved and respected? A great guy, now gone, because you are a scumbag.

You even wrote notes venting about corruption and the privileged. So this is how you fix both problems? Shooting 32 people? I'm not a rocket scientist by any stretch of the imagination, but I think there's a flaw in your plan. Not only did you kill all the wrong people, you are now the bad guy. You are the guy that we all hate now. That's right, you, Mr. anti-corruption, Mr. other-people-have-stuff-that-I-don't-and-therefore-I-hate-them, Mr. she-doesn't-like-me-woe-is-me-life-sucks, you are now the corrupt. Not only that, you're also the privileged - privileged to be dead, because now you don't have to face the music. If you had been any kind of a decent and kind human being, you would have reversed the order of your rampage, and shot yourself first.

That's what upsets me the most about this situation - that you were such a p*ssy that you took your own life. You couldn't even be man enough to stick around and see the damage you caused. You ended your own life, leaving 32 people dead, and countless others grieving. What a weak way to leave this world. At 23 years old, you are old enough to be considered a man, but there is no way in hell I'm thinking of you as anything but a child. A weak, whiny, brat of a kid who couldn't get what he wanted and so he took his frustration out on everyone around him. And then when you realized the damage you had caused, you decided that instead of facing the music, instead of facing the friends and families of those you killed, instead of facing the world, you would take your own life. Was it our fault that nobody liked you? Was it our fault that life wasn't going the way you wanted? Guess what - sometimes life sucks. News flash! This just in! "This is TRL reporting live from the world, and what we know right now is that life can get you down sometimes!" Holy crap, alert the media!

You know what the rest of us do when life gets tough? We work through it. We cope, we deal, we move on. Now, because of your actions, the friends and families of 32 people are going to have to do just that - cope, deal, and eventually, move on. I don't necessarily believe in Heaven, Hell, or God, but Mr. Cho Seung Hui: I really hope and pray there's a special place in Hell just for you.

Imus[sed] up

2007-04-10T08:03:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying I am not a Don Imus fan. I don't find him funny in any way shape or form. Sometimes the people around him are funny, but Imus himself doesn't do anything for me. That said, I'm trying to understand what the big deal is with his comments regarding the Rutgers Women's Basketball Team. I understand that what he said was insulting, and probably not in good taste, and probably not the smartest thing he could have done, but when has Imus ever been in a) nice, b) in good taste, or 3) smart? The guy makes a living off saying stuff to piss people off, regardless of whether it's factually based or not. When you think Imus, or Howard Stern, or Mancow, or any other so called "shock jocks," you don't really think of people who say nice things about everything, who always have a pleasant demeanor - these guys aren't Pleasantville. They humor us by saying stuff that we might have thought at one point in time, but either didn't have the balls to say it out loud, or had the common sense to keep it to ourselves.

I know people are upset with Imus, but do they realize that by yelling all they are doing is driving up Imus' ratings? And does Rutgers realize that they are getting more press than a Women's Championship Runner Up has ever received? Let's be honest, there aren't many people who care about women's basketball. People probably have heard the name Pat Summit, they are probably aware that Tennessee won the Women's championship, but I would bet that without Imus' comments, a very small percentage of the US would be aware that Rutgers was in the Championship game. Somewhere on the Rutgers campus, someone is doing backflips at all the press the University is receiving.

Here is what went down on Imus' show:

DON IMUS: So, I watched the basketball game last night between -- a little bit of Rutgers and Tennessee, the women's final.
SID ROSENBERG: Yeah, Tennessee won last night -- seventh championship for Pat Summitt, I-Man. They beat Rutgers by 13 points.
IMUS: That's some rough girls from Rutgers. Man, they got tattoos and --
BERNARD McGUIRK: Some hard-core hos.
IMUS: That's some nappy-headed hos there. I'm gonna tell you that now, man, that's some -- woo. And the girls from Tennessee, they all look cute, you know, so, like -- kinda like -- I don't know.
McGUIRK: A Spike Lee thing.
IMUS: Yeah.
McGUIRK: The Jigaboos vs. the Wannabes -- that movie that he had.
IMUS: Yeah, it was a tough --
CHARLES McCORD: Do The Right Thing.
McGUIRK: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
IMUS: I don't know if I'd have wanted to beat Rutgers or not, but they did, right?
ROSENBERG: It was a tough watch. The more I look at Rutgers, they look exactly like the Toronto Raptors.

Ok so yeah, what the guys said were stupid, inappropriate, not very nice, and racist. They were making a joke. An insenitive joke, but a joke nonetheless. A joke that wasn't very funny, so we don't laugh. Do we really need to make a big deal about it? Is the world going to change because we called out Don Imus on a joke gone wrong? Does having a tattoo really make one "tough"? Do we think for one minute that because Imus and his crew called these women "ho's" that they really are? Did anyone think that Imus had ever met any of these women? And again why do we give a rat's ass what Don Imus says? Are people going to hear him, and say "yeah you know what, those girls are ho's"? Even if they think that, what happens then? The world comes to a screeching halt?

Racism exists - I know that. It's still out there. But what Imus said - was it racist or just stupid? Most of the time the two go hand in hand, but in this case I think they were separate. I don't believe Imus is racist, I just think he tries to say things that other people wouldn't. He makes a living out of making fun of every race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, etc. Should he hold back and not make fun of black people because it might come out racist? Is racism worse than sexism or homophobia? Rappers uses the terms "ho" and "nappy haired ho" in their music, so where is the kicking and screaming to get them to stop? Because the majority of rappers are black it's ok to use that language? A "no one beats up my sibling but me" kind of thing? So it becomes racist if someone of a different race says it? What Imus said was just plain stupid and not funny. No need to make this a national agenda.

And let's be honest about something, most women basketball players are not very attractive. I don't know what Imus was watching, but the Tennessee players aren't going to be winning any beauty pageants themselves. I'm looking at their pictures now, and...well, not so much. We're not talking about stunners here.

Again, I know there is still racism in the world, and I know that we have a long way to go, but I think one step is we have to relax and stop worrying about what stupid people say. Stupid people will say stupid things - that's what stupid people do. So what does that make those who listen to the stupid people and bitch and moan and complain everytime they say something stupid? Who's the bigger fool, the fool - or those who pay attention to the fool?

The bottom line is that the members of the Rutgers women basketball team are not asked to look like models - they're asked to play basketball. And apparently they play basketball quite well. Rutgers was a 4 seed that upset Duke and LSU on their way to the Championship game. They had an amazing run. They are a young team that will probably only get better. And nothing Imus said takes away from that.

Pay Attention to the Situation

2007-04-05T09:46:00.000-07:00

This pisses me off. Yesterday the Marlins and the Nationals were deadlocked at 6 in the bottom of the ninth, at Washington. The home team Nationals load up the bases with 1 out, and Dmitri Young steps to the plate. He hits a long fly ball to left field, near the foul line, where outfielder Josh Willingham was waiting for it. Willingham just stands there and watches the ball as it bounces a foot or so fair, thus winning the game for the Nationals.

Now some of the national sports media would have you believe that Willingham screwed up, that he should have made a play for the ball, that he assumed the ball was foul and hence made an ass out of "u" and "med." My first thought when I saw what happened was that Willingham had absolutely no chance to gun the runner out at home, so he decided to let it bounce and just prayed it would bounce foul.

Pretty damn smart play, in my mind.

In that situation, what other option did he have? He catches it, Nationals win 7-6, because he didn't have a chance at throwing the runner out. If it bounces fair, Marlins win 7-6 anyway. But if he let's it bounce, and it bounces foul, then the pitcher Julio gets another attempt to get out of the inning. And it was close enough that there was a chance, in his mind, that it would drop foul.

Let's hear from Willingham:

"I knew it was going to be close," Willingham said. "[letting it drop foul] was the only play I had."

His manager, Fredi Gonzalez, agreed.

"He ain't going to throw him out at the plate there," Gonzalez said. "I thought it was a head's-up play."

Hey national broadcaster people - how about looking at the situation before you start judging how smart or not smart a play was? I mean heck I am not the most knowledgeable baseball guy, but I at least have some modicum of common sense!

Me: 1
National Broadcaster People: 0

Gator Nation

2007-04-03T08:01:00.000-07:00

I am an unabashed Florida Gator fan. Scratch that. I am a Florida Gator. I did not attend there, but I grew up there, 2 minutes away from the Swamp, 2 minutes away from the Rowdy Reptile section. I ate, lived, breathed Gator sports. (I still do, I just don't live as close as I used to.) I went to UF baseball games. Heck, I even went to a Gators gymnastics meet or two. So I'm trying to write down how this 2 year stretch affects me, as a Gator. The 2006 Men's Basketball Championship. The 2006 Football Championship. The 2007 Men's Basketball Championship.

I mean, holy crap.

That's a hell of a decade for most schools, and Florida did that in a year. A single year. Not a year and a half, close to two years - a year. From April 3rd, 2006, to April 2nd, 2007, the Florida Gators won two men's basketball championships and one football championship. Three championships in a space of 364 days.

I mean, wow.

I don't think it will ever get better than this. Maybe if the Florida football team wins the 2007-08 championship, but that will only make this run even better. This is as good as it gets. Champions in football and men's basketball. Three championships in 364 days.

Not too shabby.

So how does it affect me? It doesn't earn me money, or get me a promotion, or imbue me with any special talents or abilities. Being champion in both football and basketball doesn't make me a better person, or give me any sort of special knowledge. But it makes me happy. Really happy.

When your team wins a championship or a big game, people will offer their congratulations. Those who aren't big fans of any one team in particular will laugh at this, will scoff at this, wondering what we did to help the team win. These are the same people who laugh at us when we talk about how "we won," or why "they couldn't beat us." Laugh all you want, but we are a part of it all. You know what we did? We rooted for our team, and we suffered when they lost. We worried about our team, but we smiled and cheered when they were down. We yelled at them when they screwed up, we applauded them when they succeeded. We went through every emotion in the book watching our team game in and game out. We did the little things to help them win, wearing the lucky shirt, making sure we did the same thing we've done on previous games, asking any sort of deity we believe in to help our team out in their hour of need. We did whatever we could to help our team win. And when they do win, when they win the whole kit and kaboodle, we can say "we helped them get here, we were there every step of the way."

So now I smile every time I think of Horford's shimmy after his fastbreak dunk, or Noah's fist-to-chest bump after pretty much anything, or Green's calm, cool, collected demeanor even when Ohio State was making a run, or Humphrey hitting big three after big three, Richard doing the selfless duty of banging with Greg Oden, Hodge holding his daughter after the game, or Brewer with one of the greatest smiles in Florida history. I think of Billy D who sweats more from the armpits than any Coach I've ever seen. I think of Jeremy Foley who stuck with Donovan even when the basketball team wasn't playing up to par. And I think of all those Gator fans, the Gator Nation, who all had smiles on their face after our third championship in 364 days.

The Gators winning their second straight men's basketball championship didn't make me a better person, but it made me a happy person. And I think that counts for a lot.

SNL has Jumped the Shark

2007-03-23T12:30:00.000-07:00

Peyton Manning hosted Saturday Night Live last weekend, and I was nervous. I like Peyton Manning, and it worried me that he was going to be on SNL. I mean, Peyton is a funny guy - his Sprint commercial is fantastic, his Mastercard spots are very funny...but SNL? I'm wasn't worried about Peyton's performance per se, I was worried about the material SNL was going to give him. To Peyton's credit, he was funny. And most of the bits he did were funny. But I think that was because of him, and in spite of SNL.

Because SNL stinks.

Boring as all get out.

Completely unfunny.

Try to remember a funny bit from this SNL group.

You can't. Impossible. Want to know why? Because they stink. They've jumped the shark.

SNL used to be funny, with funny people, people whose name would make you laugh just thinking about funny characters and bits they do. Will Ferrell as James Lipton, Norm McDonald as Burt Reynolds in Celebrity Jeopardy, Mike Meyers as Linda Richman.

Talk amongst yourselves. Rhode Island is neither a road nor an island - discuss.

And political jokes? Please. The Daily Show and The Colbert Repor(t) have far surpassed SNL in terms of the edgy political satire. I have watched a couple of the opening scenes of SNL, they have all been attempts political satire, but they were neither political, nor satire.

Discuss.

So what happened? A friend of mine, who claims to be friends with some comedy writers, says the problem with comedy writers is that what they feel is funny 9 times out of 10 doesn't fall into what the majority of the world finds funny. But because they are comedy writers, it never occurs to them that no one else will find their bits funny. Saturday Night Live has not been funny in a long time...even the tail end of the Will Ferrell/Jimmy Fallon/Tina Fey group had kind of lost its funniness. They were about half and half funny. Maybe 2% or 1% funny. Not quite skim, but definitely not whole.

So I have some ideas for funny bits that SNL can use...and I freely give them to SNL, for a small fee of $1,000 dollars per bit. Not that my bits are extraordinarily funny, I just need the cash.

BIT #1:
You know the Army commercials that used to be one, with the "We've been waiting for you"? Where a family is out next to a mildly white-water rapids river, and someone drops a bag, and the guy goes running after it, then jumps down a waterfall to get it, and it cuts to "we've been waiting for you" and the same guy is jumping off a helicoptor into the ocean? The idea of course being that this guy is willing to take risks, willing to damage himself for the end goal. So my idea is to take the "we've been waiting for you" but use more normal situations. Like, you're crossing the street when the "do not walk" sign is up, and you barely beat the oncoming traffic. "We've been waiting for you." You stand up to tell the guy who's being loud in a movie theater to shut up. "We've been waiting for you." A scrawny guy helps spot the big hefty guy at the gym. "We've been waiting for you." You successfully hook up the cable to your digital box to your tivo to your tv. "We've been waiting for you." Guy gets a girls phone number at the bar by using a cheap pick up line. "We've been waiting for you." Turns out the girl gave him a phony number. "We've been waiting for you."

The possibilities, with this bit, are pretty much endless.

And that's a bit where you can have one or two per show - real quick hitting spots, but stuff that the everyday person will recognize and find humorous.

BIT #2:
American Idol judges on familiar, normal situations. For example the dinner you made for the family, or the project you did for work, or the paint job you did on your house, or the karaoke song you did at the bar. Randy: "You didn't bring it dawg, I just didn't feel it, I dunno." Paula: "You smell nice." Simon: "That was a horrid excuse for a ______, I really feel you owe me 2 minutes of my life back." And you could use any kind of real life situation, again something that people recognize and sympathize with. Plus, since American Idol has like a hundred million viewers, everyone will recognize the humor in whatever Randy, Paula, and Simon do. Heck you could even have them judging each other on the job they did judging the contestants. Or you could have the AI judges critiquing the President, or Tony Snow, or Karl Rove, or Condoleeza Rice, etc.

BIT #2.5:
Deal or no Deal in real life situations. Can you imagine having a Deal or no Deal game in the work environment? People vying for a window cubicle, or a free lunch, or something to that effect. Since I don't actually watch the show, I'm not 100% sure how it works, but I'm guessing that putting it in a real life situation would be funny.

BIT #3:
The daily commute as a race. Two contestants going against each other to try and get to work first. They have to deal with making the train, merging onto the right traffic lane, people stopping in the middle of the sidewalk for no apparent reason. And the winner gets? The chance to be at work, something everyone always looks forward to.

BIT #4:
In-appropriate/annoying office worker guy. The guy who interrupts conversations with stupid nonsensical lines, the guy who talks to other men while standing right next to them at the urinal, the guy who sings pop songs with all the wrong lyrics, and then argues with you when you try to tell him the real words, the guy who hits on the women in the office and says inappropriate things, the guy who sucks up to the boss, the guy who tries to pretend he knows current events, when in actuality he knows nothing, and and gives out his opinions based on wrong information, etc. We've all dealt with people like that, we hate people like that. A running bit on situations involving him would be funny.

BIT #5:
Well I don't have a bit #5. But how about doing a bit about bad bits? SNL has done that in the past, where Lorne Michaels will come in to talk about how he's having a nightmare of being in a bit that goes nowhere. Bring something like that back.

So I guess it's not that easy to write bits. But the problem that I see with SNL is that I can't really relate to any of the bits. There's nothing in there where I think to myself "that's totally true, I can see that happening, etc." Going back to the Peyton Manning SNL, they had a bit where Peyton was a basketball player, it was halftime, the team was down big, and the coach was trying to pump up the squad with music. The joke was that Peyton Manning got up and started dancing to the music. And that's funny, how exactly? I don't think I even smiled. Stand up comedians make a living of telling stories that people can understand, stories that people can relate to. SNL needs to bring in writers who do that, who write bits that we can watch and laugh because we've all been in a similar situation.

And by the way, SNL, I'm available.

The Walshian Jon Stewart

2007-03-21T07:11:00.000-07:00

The first episode of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart was kind of boring. Stewart had taken over for Craig Kilborn and basically just did Kilborn's show, complete with the "Five questions" that Kilborn would ask each guest. Since then, Stewart has made that show his own, to where he, and the show, are both household names.

How many of you actually knew that The Daily Show was not originally Stewart's?

I'm guessing not many.

Kilborn stunk.

Is anyone surprised that he was let go from his CBS late night show, replaced by the boss from the Drew Carey Show?

I'm not.

His wikipedia page says that Kilborn decided not to re-up with CBS, but I think we all know better.

Kilborn should have stuck with Sportscenter, at least people knew him there as the "Jumanji" guy.

Back to the original point though, Jon Stewart has now become the Bill Walsh of comedians. For those who don't know, Walsh was a Hall of Fame Coach for the San Francisco 49ers, and his coaching family tree extends to many, many coaches on many, many teams. These current head coaches all have ties to Walsh: Tony Dungy, Indianapolis...Andy Reid, Philadelphia...Mike Holmgren, Seattle...Herm Edwards, Kansas City...Jeff Fisher, Tennessee...Jon Gruden, Tampa Bay...Mike Shanahan, Denver...Brian Billick, Baltimore...Mike McCarthy, Green Bay...Gary Kubiak, Houston...Lovie Smith, Chicago...Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh...Jack Del Rio, Jacksonville...and Brad Childress, Minnesota.

Needless to say, a lot of coaches. Bill Callahan (Nebraska) and Pete Carroll (USC) also have ties to Walsh.

So how does Stewart's name get mentioned in the same breath as Walsh? Look at the list of correspondents who have come through TDS. When Stewart began, he had Steve Carrell, Steven Colbert, Nancy Walls, Vance Degeneres, Frank DeCaro, and Mo Rocca. Carell starred in more than a few movies, including The 40-Year Old Virgin and Little Miss Sunshine, and now has his own show on NBC, The Office. Colbert has his own show on Comedy Central, The Colbert Report, which follows TDS. Nancy Walls follwed her husband Carell, she has a recurring role on The Office. Degeneres is traveling with his band Cowboy Mouth (he also just finished writing for sister Ellen's gig on the Oscars). Frank DeCaro has a show on Sirius Satellite Radio, as does Mo Rocca who I think has 18 other jobs, including working for The Tonight Show, writing for USA Today, and working on VH1's I Love the (enter decade here).

So then the next wave of correspondents come in: Dave Attell, Ed Helms, Rob Corddry, Nate Corddry, Lewis Black, and Matt Walsh. Attell got his own show on Comedy Central, he's now more of a household name. Ed Helms followed Steve Carell, he's now on The Office. Rob Corddry has his own show on FOX called The Winner. Nate Corddry was one of the stars of the now-canceled Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Lewis Black still comes on TDS, but he is now a household name, he's had his own HBO specials, and has also been seen in such films as Man of the Year, Accepted, and Unaccompanied Minors. Matt Walsh has been in shows like Dog Bites Man, and films such as Old School, Christmas with the Kranks, and School for Scoundrels. You've probably also seen him in a ton of commercials, even if you weren't aware that the guy who looked familiar was him.

So The Daily Show has become somewhat of a funnel to bigger and better things (although what is bigger or better that The Daily Show?!). Correspondents have come and go, and sometimes come again. The one constant has been Jon Stewart. He tried movies earlier in his career (he was great in Playing by Heart, fantastic movie), but his film career seems to have stalled (I believe Death to Smoochy was his last movie), and he seems content to give us the news, for the most part un-biased.

So I guess what I'm saying is, please Jon, don't ever leave.

Male Bathroom Etiquette

2007-03-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

There is absolutely no reason why this has to happen, but it does. Guys should absolutely know better, but they don't. Women probably won't understand the issue here, but as a man, if you've ever used a urinal in a public place, you know what this is about.

I shall explain.

At my work, the bathroom on the bottom floor has 4 urinals in a row. One day I enter the bathroom and I go to the first urinal, closest to the door. No one else is in the bathroom. As I zipper down, the bathroom door opens and someone else enters - and he goes to urinal number 2, RIGHT NEXT TO ME. Now as any man knows, that is just simply not allowed. If you walk into a bathroom, and someone is using a urinal, and there's no one else in there, you do not go to the urinal next to that one person there. You go to the one next to the one next to the person, at the very least. Think of it as breathing room.

OK so that was annoying. But then it gets worst. I don't know this man who was right next to me - I knew who he was, but we'd never been formally introduced. He turns his head to me, as we're both doing our thing, and says "hey how are you."

"Hey, how are you."

I mean seriously, you couldn't wait until we were washing our hands? If the stream hadn't started already, I probably would have been dammed up! I mumble "fine, how are you," thinking (hoping) that would end the conversation.

No.

It wouldn't.

He went on to talk about what a nice day it was, how nice the weather's been, how strange that's been for this time of year, and I'm thinking dude, you're strange. You do not go to the urinal next to someone else if there are other urinals open, and you most assuredly do NOT TALK TO THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU!!

I think it's weird to talk to anyone while in the bathroom, but I think if you're going to talk, you need a minimum of one empty urinal between you and whoever you've decided to annoy.

On that note, talking between stalls is strictly prohibited.

People who use their cell phones in the bathroom are just strange. I'm sure whatever you're talking about is extremely important, but it seriously couldn't wait for 2-3 minutes, 5 max? Do you really think that because you're using bluetooth it looks ok? It doesn't.

So guys (and girls) if you're unsure of the rules, you can use this game as a lesson: http://games.download3000.com/play/the-urinal-game

In fact, use it as a life lesson.